getting over myself

[hurts_so_bad]

Easy. Stop looking for clues or 'hidden meanings' and only accept what's clear. And I mean clear...no wondering. Red light, green light. No games.

 

Even if she's 'interested' and wanted to get back together, this sideways approach allows her the option of calling the whole thing off again. "I felt bad for you, or the kids" she might say. "I'm not sure how I feel." Keeping you handy gives her choices and control. Is that what you want?

 

She knows how. Everyone does. If she can't be upfront and clear with you - the father of her children, then who can she be straight to? "I love you, I miss you and I'm willing to do whatever is necessary to repair our relationship so we can be together" is what you need to hear. Her love and desire must be so strong, she's willing to risk the rejection. Do you get it?

 

If it isn't, you'd have no chance anyway.

 

This is just a game. A toe in the water. Not good enough.

 

I know that well atleast I think I know its a game if its not all coincidence...Thats why I didnt go to her apartment when I was invited or answer last night...Months ago, every time we got together to just talk for whatever reason, that same day or maybe a few days later I would break down, not crying or begging but asking questions and showing jealousy etc..

 

I have been extremely cool with the entire situation as of late and havent shown and emotions at all...They are actually fading a lot...Its mostly the rejection and the fact i havent found anyone I really care for yet that still bothers me but I am getting over that.....Maybe the fact that I am not doing what I used to do is getting to her? I dont know.

 

Like I said it can all be a coincidence...Seems to be too much of a coincidence as of late but If it is, Its just a really f@@king cruel joke life is playing on me! Out of all the people on your contact list it had to be me that you mistakenly contacted? Or was it a mistake?

 

This I will never know cause I am not going to ask but crap like this gives you that few second feel good feeling, then crash and burn!

Edited March 3, 2013 by hurts_so_bad

[aMguilts]

Like I said it can all be a coincidence...Seems to be too much of a coincidence as of late but If it is, Its just a really f@@king cruel joke life is playing on me! Out of all the people on your contact list it had to be me that you mistakenly contacted? Or was it a mistake?

 

This I will never know cause I am not going to ask but crap like this gives you that few second feel good feeling, then crash and burn!

 

call me what you want, i still care for you and i hate to see you posting the same old things that you have been posting for over a year now and you still aren`t any further in yourself than when 1st started

 

you want honesty but you cant even being honest with yourself

 

anything ANYONE that post`s to you.... anything other than you want to hear and you get on the defensive

 

No i`m this, no i`m doing that, i`m doing all i can to do, no i`m not like this no i`m not like that.

yeah i hear you but

 

you hear a lot and heed nothing still

you think the whole world owes you a living?

 

why aren`t you divorced yet already?

 

aM

[hurts_so_bad]

call me what you want, i still care for you and i hate to see you posting the same old things that you have been posting for over a year now and you still aren`t any further in yourself than when 1st started

 

you want honesty but you cant even being honest with yourself

 

anything ANYONE that post`s to you.... anything other than you want to hear and you get on the defensive

 

No i`m this, no i`m doing that, i`m doing all i can to do, no i`m not like this no i`m not like that.

yeah i hear you but

 

you hear a lot and heed nothing still

you think the whole world owes you a living?

 

why aren`t you divorced yet already?

 

aM

 

Jesus Christ coops! If you listened instead of talking all the time you would know...I have a very good job, a house, 3 kids, friends, I HAVE A LIFE! If you listened you would know this about me cause I posted it not long ago, but you insist on saying I think someone owes me a living! Why? Cause you hear what you want to hear and post crap to hear yourself talk!

 

This forum is supposed to help people threw their problems not condemn them! You got back with your wife shortly after your seperation...What if you didnt? How do you know how you would feel a year later? So dont condemn me for my feelings!

 

If you read (actually listened) what I said in the last reply, I said I have come further in the past month then I have all year..Its just stupid things that happen that confuse me on her intentions but I am in no means stopping my life!

 

In a post maybe 2 months ago you said if I wanna save my marriage keep my gob shut! OK fine! now your asking why Im not divorced yet? What up with that? Too many different threads and aliases I think...Get your own head straight before you try and give advice to others is my advice to you!

[aMguilts]

Jesus Christ coops! If you listened instead of talking all the time you would know...I have a very good job, a house, 3 kids, friends, I HAVE A LIFE! If you listened you would know this about me cause I posted it not long ago, but you insist on saying I think someone owes me a living! Why? Cause you hear what you want to hear and post crap to hear yourself talk!

 

This forum is supposed to help people threw their problems not condemn them! You got back with your wife shortly after your seperation...What if you didnt? How do you know how you would feel a year later? So dont condemn me for my feelings!

 

If you read (actually listened) what I said in the last reply, I said I have come further in the past month then I have all year..Its just stupid things that happen that confuse me on her intentions but I am in no means stopping my life!

 

In a post maybe 2 months ago you said if I wanna save my marriage keep my gob shut! OK fine! now your asking why Im not divorced yet? What up with that? Too many different threads and aliases I think...Get your own head straight before you try and give advice to others is my advice to you!

ok agression is good

means your not at all dead

last time i`ll ever post to you

like ever

your doing ok

keep doing what your doing. you have EVERYTHING

i`m pleased for you

aM

[ComingInHot]

To jump in for a quick comment, please don't think of you & your exW's lives running parallel anymore. It isn't a competition of who gets what and where first (even if it were, from what you describe, you are waaaaay ahead of her...)

 

Continue doing what it takes to be a better, healthier you so in the end whether you have a harem, new W , GF or a great dog as your best friend, You will be Happy*

[hurts_so_bad]

To jump in for a quick comment, please don't think of you & your exW's lives running parallel anymore. It isn't a competition of who gets what and where first (even if it were, from what you describe, you are waaaaay ahead of her...)

 

Continue doing what it takes to be a better, healthier you so in the end whether you have a harem, new W , GF or a great dog as your best friend, You will be Happy*

 

Thanks for the support! I know I am doing fine and will continue to do better for both myself and my kids...Sometimes its hard though and some days are rough..Especially when there are mixed messages or coincidences that make you think hey maybe! Cause I do still love her, That hasnt changed.

 

No one knows what life will bring! It could be her knocking down my door one day or someone else I fall in love with...Im just tired of being alone...I have someone but its not love..I am doing my best to be positive, grateful, and as happy as I can be. Some days are still hard though. Anyone who has been threw it even after a year who hasent been lucky enough to find a new love in that time I think can relate.

[Steadfast]

This forum is supposed to help people threw (sic) their problems not condemn them!

 

True, but too often people mistake tough advice for judgement. Truth is, no one can 'judge' anyone, but we all exercise judgement. Good and bad.

 

We have to.

 

If your case, many questions arise when I read you'd love to reconcile with your wife and family, yet you keep a booty partner. I don't know you, but I do know patterns of human behavior. Most everyone does. Not only is this relationship unfair (and unloving) to your sex buddy, it sends a message of neediness to your wife. Most of all, for you, this behavior is proven to slow healing and prolong pain. Mixing problems together makes them stronger. More energy is needed to sort them out and for most separated spouses, energy is in pretty short supply. Bottom line: not helping.

 

Before anyone else can help, we must help ourselves. In my case, the advice I hated hearing most turned out the be the most helpful. Go figure.

[hurts_so_bad]

True, but too often people mistake tough advice for judgement. Truth is, no one can 'judge' anyone, but we all exercise judgement. Good and bad.

 

We have to.

 

If your case, many questions arise when I read you'd love to reconcile with your wife and family, yet you keep a booty partner. I don't know you, but I do know patterns of human behavior. Most everyone does. Not only is this relationship unfair (and unloving) to your sex buddy, it sends a message of neediness to your wife. Most of all, for you, this behavior is proven to slow healing and prolong pain. Mixing problems together makes them stronger. More energy is needed to sort them out and for most separated spouses, energy is in pretty short supply. Bottom line: not helping.

 

Before anyone else can help, we must help ourselves. In my case, the advice I hated hearing most turned out the be the most helpful. Go figure.

 

Ive come to realize, you never know what the hell is gonna happen in this world..Its like an adventure! I have read literally 100's of stories online where guys and girls chase their partners to no end and get nowhere because they chased them away, People who have played it cool and got nowhere perhaps cause the other person felt that because they didnt put in any effort that they didnt care.. People who have chased their partner but once they stopped the other came back,

 

Ive read about people who have cheated and spouses took them back, People who have been cheated on and forgive their spouses, People who have been divorced and got back together!

 

Bottom line is there is no definite remedy to anything. In the beginning when I saw her I would get upset with her and asked her questions, argue, etc...At this point in time, I find for me the best course of action for ME is to just be as cool as I can and do whatever it is I want to do without worrying what she thinks...Thats what works for me at this stage..

 

The only time I worry about what she thinks is when I am getting mixed messages or weird texts which thanks to your advice I am no longer going to worry about until the day comes (if ever) that she says straight out, she wants to work on things. Until then I am going to live my life how I see fit without worrying if she is in the background watching and judging me... Besides I know I am a good person who is doing the right things with his life so there is nothing to judge anyway..If there is, Tough!

 

I offered the reconcile a while ago and it fell on deaf ears so now I just have to do what I want and live my life with what the world gives me and be as content as I can without trying to please her or anyone else.

 

Many people have said to me go out and take what you want..To me thats a fairy tale! You cant just go and take what you want! I want salma Hyack! Lets get real! I want my license but they havent given it to me YET..Nothing I can do about that but keep fighting....Sometimes you just gotta roll with the punches and do your best to bob and weave..

[hurts_so_bad]

True, but too often people mistake tough advice for judgement. Truth is, no one can 'judge' anyone, but we all exercise judgement. Good and bad.

 

We have to.

 

If your case, many questions arise when I read you'd love to reconcile with your wife and family, yet you keep a booty partner. I don't know you, but I do know patterns of human behavior. Most everyone does. Not only is this relationship unfair (and unloving) to your sex buddy, it sends a message of neediness to your wife. Most of all, for you, this behavior is proven to slow healing and prolong pain. Mixing problems together makes them stronger. More energy is needed to sort them out and for most separated spouses, energy is in pretty short supply. Bottom line: not helping.

 

Before anyone else can help, we must help ourselves. In my case, the advice I hated hearing most turned out the be the most helpful. Go figure.

 

The little tidbit I wrote about the forum being here to help people not condemn them was meant for amquilts (aka coopster) who has posted on my threads since I have been on here...Its not meant for people like yourself and many others who have given me advice, Just want to clear that up..

 

Every time he came on my thread all he said was "you dont listen" but yet he gave no advice for like the past 6 months to listen too...Then he got on me about my dogs! I am on here for advice and as situations change questions and advice changes...I dont need someone here who is going to constantly ridicule me and bring up things in my life that have no bearing on the situation..

Edited March 5, 2013 by hurts_so_bad

[Steadfast]

Sift through and deal with your issues. You can't control what someone else writes or even (at times) relate to what they really mean. That's life on a forum. Most of us are capable of understanding what is being said to us. The hardest thing sometimes is to be honest...with ourselves. I speak from experience.

[hurts_so_bad]

Sift through and deal with your issues. You can't control what someone else writes or even (at times) relate to what they really mean. That's life on a forum. Most of us are capable of understanding what is being said to us. The hardest thing sometimes is to be honest...with ourselves. I speak from experience.

 

I know you speak from experiance and when I ask questions I get concrete answers...Thats all I am asking for whether they are what I want to hear or not...Its a very confusing time for me as I'm sure in the past was for you. Thats why I am on this forum and probably what started you on it as well..I respect the answers I get and take them all into consideration cause sometimes I just dont know what to think or what decision to make.

 

Thats all I ask for but to get answers that are deamining from some people are uncalled for.. when people tell you that your not listening when its clear as day they didnt read or comprehend what I wrote in a past post..

All I ask for is some advice and maybe guidence at times which you and others have given me...Whether it takes a year or 5 years to get over what I am going threw there is no need for anyone to judge me..

Thats all I am saying. everyone heals differently

[aMguilts]

Sift through and deal with your issues. You can't control what someone else writes or even (at times) relate to what they really mean. That's life on a forum. Most of us are capable of understanding what is being said to us. The hardest thing sometimes is to be honest...with ourselves. I speak from experience.

 

and yet a while ago you thanked us both!

 

go figure

 

aM.. coops(?!!)

[aMguilts]

.

 

No one knows what life will bring! It could be her knocking down my door one day or someone else I fall in love with...Im just tired of being alone...I have someone but its not love.

 

this is your problem

In 2 sentences you have 5 contradictions

 

coops...(?)

 

sorry Am...

 

tonight... i think i`ll call myself..

 

Mavis

[hurts_so_bad]

this is your problem

In 2 sentences you have 5 contradictions

 

coops...(?)

 

sorry Am...

 

tonight... i think i`ll call myself..

 

Mavis

 

Thought you werent posting anymore? What contradictions? That Im tired of being alone and that I have someone. Well if you read the rest "BUT Its not love" and stopped breaking everything down into black and white you would be able to see, If its not love you can still feel alone cause the feeling isnt there...

[aMguilts]

Thought you werent posting anymore? What contradictions? That Im tired of being alone and that I have someone. Well if you read the rest "BUT Its not love" and stopped breaking everything down into black and white you would be able to see, If its not love you can still feel alone cause the feeling isnt there...

 

i`m asking myself that SAME question!( because i care and want to help...if you rather i not post anymore, just say)

 

You have got all 3 of us wrong

You take EVERY post here as an attack against you

Yes ? no?

you solicite advice but heed nothing?

is that the way a man would get over his problems?

or will he endeavor to grow stronger in mind and self preservation??

 

just a thought

 

mavis

[hurts_so_bad]

i`m asking myself that SAME question!( because i care and want to help...if you rather i not post anymore, just say)

 

You have got all 3 of us wrong

You take EVERY post here as an attack against you

Yes ? no?

you solicite advice but heed nothing?

is that the way a man would get over his problems?

or will he endeavor to grow stronger in mind and self preservation??

 

just a thought

 

mavis

 

Ok so lets go over this again...You want to help and I DO appreciate that believe it or not...so tell me what to do with this?

Im still hurt from what happened with my wife and I...Im not over it yet.

Its been a year and it sucks but what can I say? It still hurts!

 

I have a very good job that I am happy with. I have my own home, I see my kids almost everyday after school till their mom picks them up after she gets home from work and I get them every other weekend.

 

I have two cars..A maxima and a 1985 Grand National hotrod that I am restoring. I have a side ebay business that makes me extra money for some extra corricular activities. I have been working out at the gym, Ive been seeing a phycologist, and have friends over at times to play cards.

In other words I have a life..

 

Between work, the home, the kids, the phyc, AA, etc etc, Id say I am pretty busy on all fronts including bettering myself..Would you agree?

 

In the meantime I do want to meet someone and have been trying the online dating thing but unfortunately it just hasnt happened yet ... The only two things I have missing in my life that I want more then anything is my drivers license which i am working on and someone to care for again. I feel empty inside. right, wrong, or indifferent, Thats how I feel....

 

I know everyone says you need to be happy first by yourself but maybe thats just not the case with everybody or maybe it hasnt been long enough for me yet. I dont know...I have plenty to keep me busy between evrything I listed a minute ago but it just doesnt feel the same without the love of another...Hobbies are great and they keep your mind occupied but it doesnt take the place of what you really really desire. Dont forget I was with this women for 20 years! We are now seperated a little over a year.

 

As for her,

I have been trying to put as much distance between myself and my ex as possible but as anyone with kids knows there has to be some sort of communication now and again for the kids and to keep things civil. I can deal with that..

 

What I cant deal with is all the mixed signals that may or may not mean something especially given the fact that I still care for her... The envite to her home which I declined, the wanting to meet to talk about the taxes and my daughters dentist bill but yet hanging out with me for 3 hours and asking about my hair cut and wanting to hear the stereo I installed in my car, then the texts on Saturday asking what I am doing which I am still not sure if they were mean for me or not... There are a few other things too that I cant really think of right now they are possible signs,,But are they? Every sign has a different way to look at it and its confusing.

 

Look I know there isnt a magical answer on how to deal with this, Wish there was but it just seems everytime I start moving on and I HAVE! There is always something that gives me a glimmer of hope that fades away again. Like talking to my mom today and she said that my ex called her and was talking with her for a while...there is always something.

 

I know what you are going to say! Im looking for that hope...Maybe I am but if everytime I turn around there is something in my face what else am I supposed to think?

 

I hope all this writting can give you a better Idea about me and where I am in my life...Maybe threw all the posts things get lost or misunderstood.

[aMguilts]

hurts

if there WAS a magical way in which i could help you, i would do it in an instant.

i would

i don`t know what to say to you.

everything that i could say to you know now would be what?

lies?

i`ve failed in my marriage

after all my hopes and dreams of reconcilling with my wife?

i have failed

She wants a divorce.

 

Know what really seperates me from you?

and i don`t mean this in a nasty way either,

( if i could, i`d take you on a night out ( and i`d BET we`d get on like brothers!!))

 

yeah i`m hurting, really Fuc ing hurting

i can`t even look out of work onto the beach.

 

I KNOW you are doing everything you can to move on. your going to the gym

you`ve stopped drinking, seeing the kids.

 

anyway, the difference between me and you?( it`s so small it`s miniscule)

 

i accept. i may not like it. i may hate it. i may cry about it for days

ok..

up until 2 days ago i fuc ing hated myself

i stank,

i was unshaven.. face for 2 weeks

and by that time my head was unshaven for about a month( i`m grade 0 usually)

 

anyway i`m going on again!!!

 

hurts?

 

answer me 1 question?

What would make you happy?

 

i`ll give you an example. I`m sorry but it`s a me example and i`ll know there`ll be a lot on her that will just scream `SO GO DO THAT THEN!!`

 

so what would make you happy hurts?

 

oh , my example?

i just want to be happy

 

aM

[hurts_so_bad]

honestly in many ways I guess I am happy but not content which kinda makes me unhappy if that makes sense...I have a good job, all the guys on the job love me. We have a lot of laughs, I see my kids all the time and every other weekend. I have almost everything.

 

I am not the type of person who needs to shoot for the stars and have a bucket list i need to do before i die to make me happy. In many ways I am happy and content with what I have.

 

But being you asked, the only two things is my drivers license which is my freedom to and from as i please without needing others and companionship with someone I care for..

 

Right or wrong thats it! I say it all the time, Im a lucky man that, thats all I need. Like I said before everyone says you need to be happy first before you can be happy with anyone else...I dont necessarily believe that..You can have the most adventurous life in the world but it can still be empty without someone to share it with...everyone is different i guess..I like companionship...Thats just me....

 

I am truely sorry about your marriage...I dont know what else to say as I am still confused most of the times...Not so much confused I guess cause I know what led to the demis of my marriage but hurt I guess.

[hurts_so_bad]

I have come to the conclusion that I just need more time...All the while I was fighting the pain, anger, frustration saying to myself, "If i was a better man I wouldnt feel this way" or "I should be overr this by now" or " I should have someone else by now" Thinking this way only made me question myself even more instead of dealing with it and being true to my feelings without questioning them.

 

Accepting that the feelings are completely normal was and still is at times a hurdle for me to jump but I am getting there. Day by day my mornings are getting much easier until one day when they will be very happy again and at that time is when the universe will change for me!

 

I truely believe in the law of attraction! Sorry!

[aMguilts]

ty hurts

 

 

life will still go on thou.

keep posting, i know i give shi tty post`s sometimes and i`m sorry for them

i mean no harm.

sometimes thou i feel you do just need a kick up the a$$

 

aM

[hurts_so_bad]

ty hurts

 

 

life will still go on thou.

keep posting, i know i give shi tty post`s sometimes and i`m sorry for them

i mean no harm.

sometimes thou i feel you do just need a kick up the a$$

 

aM

 

Thats ok and I understand..We all have our good days and our bad.. And you are right sometimes I do need a good kick in the a$$...Sometimes I just post to vent and where better then here...Certain times in your life you find out who your true friends are and who arent. Many of them when you need them the most they are too busy and others you just dont want to keep dragging the same crap threw the mud in fear of losing them from being sick of it...

 

Your time and mine will come its just a matter of time. Thats one other thing i found out about myself threw all this! I am very very impatient! Once the dust all settles and I am comfortable with the situation is when things will happen. Thats why a positive attitude is key!

 

I found one trick that really helps that you may want to try...Its via the law of attraction. You may think its BS and thats fine but if anything it can make you smile (It does me) a few times a day which is good energy to put out! Set your watch or phone to alarm on every hour or whatever time frame is good for you...When that alarm goes off just take a few seconds to think about what makes you happy....For me its being by my pool cooking on the grill with my kids swimming and a new love with her arms wrapped around me...It never fails to make me smile even if its for a few seconds! It helps!

 

Well its already 9:36 here in NY so its time to take that shower and hit the sake...4:15am rolls around early! have a good night and wish you the best!

[Steadfast]

and yet a while ago you thanked us both!

 

go figure

 

aM.. coops(?!!)

 

I know what I've written aM. I've never thanked you or Hurts in a post. I never quoted you, or mentioned you in a conflict, unless directly. What you write and say is yours to keep and deal with, as you see fit. Leave me out.

[Gunny376]

Thats ok and I understand..We all have our good days and our bad.. And you are right sometimes I do need a good kick in the a$$...Sometimes I just post to vent and where better then here...Certain times in your life you find out who your true friends are and who arent. Many of them when you need them the most they are too busy and others you just dont want to keep dragging the same crap threw the mud in fear of losing them from being sick of it...

 

Your time and mine will come its just a matter of time. Thats one other thing i found out about myself threw all this! I am very very impatient! Once the dust all settles and I am comfortable with the situation is when things will happen. Thats why a positive attitude is key!

 

I found one trick that really helps that you may want to try...Its via the law of attraction. You may think its BS and thats fine but if anything it can make you smile (It does me) a few times a day which is good energy to put out! Set your watch or phone to alarm on every hour or whatever time frame is good for you...When that alarm goes off just take a few seconds to think about what makes you happy....For me its being by my pool cooking on the grill with my kids swimming and a new love with her arms wrapped around me...It never fails to make me smile even if its for a few seconds! It helps!

 

Well its already 9:36 here in NY so its time to take that shower and hit the sake...4:15am rolls around early! have a good night and wish you the best!

 

Well for me, myslelf and I? Back in tha' day when I was going through tha' "s**T" there wasn't any internet, no LoveShack.org, no e-mails, nothing.

 

You post, you vent, you e-mail me all you want! You hear! You can rant, rave, b***H all you want!

 

Gunny 4X4, 6X6 ~ Out!

[aMguilts]

I know what I've written aM. I've never thanked you or Hurts in a post. I never quoted you, or mentioned you in a conflict, unless directly. What you write and say is yours to keep and deal with, as you see fit. Leave me out.

 

stead

i didn`t mean you!

can we drop it

 

aM

[Steadfast]

stead

i didn`t mean you!

can we drop it

 

aM

 

My mistake aM. I took it wrong. Sorry.

 

Yes. No harm, no foul.