getting over myself

[aMguilts]

I get what u are saying and understandbut if I just let her come pick themnup ajyyimes she wants wont that make me look like a doormatbas well? Or r u saying who cares what she thinks and not show her it bothera me?

 

 

hey hurts

 

That is exactly what i`m saying.

Let me ask you something?

 

Do you get anywhere by ranting and raving at her because she is late? Does she listen to you when you do that?

Try and see it through HER eyes when you say things like that. What do you think SHE is thinking and hearing?

 

You really want to save your marriage?

Keep your gob shut, open your ears and start using your head.

Complaining, moaning, being paranoid isn`t the way to save it. Put it this way... would YOU take YOU back?

Be stronger in yourself, be confident, get it in your head that you don`t need her to make you happy.

Its not long till a new year starts, Start planning now to make it YOUR year.

I`ve read your posts. Your not stupid. But you are hanging on to something when you shouldn`t. Let go, find you again

 

keep posting

aM

[hurts_so_bad]

I 100% AGREE.....thing is, Ive always felt I am being laughed at....If she leaves the kids she is looking at me like a schmuck babysitter....So right away I have to defend myself to show Im not.....If I were more secure with being happy by myself.or even had a girlfriemd I know I would probably care less..I have been trying since the beginning of thos wjole thing to either get back with her or find someone to easy the tremendous pain but I have neither and mayne thats the way it needs to be for a while....I feel for a while now hat I lost myself...like I disnt know who I was....I had and still have tons of mind chatter...how to get her back? why cant I find someone.new? Whats wrong with me? Im not good enough in bed? Etc etc....I have been off my rocker for a while now and although I know there will be countless men in the future who go threw this I truely wish no other man to have to endore such pain!

...... I have been reading a book called the power of now...although I do not completely understand it...It seems to be helping a bit.....teaches u to try and focus on the now...past is history, tomorrows a mystery, today is a gift.....It gets a bit deep and a bit confusing but it teaxhes u to meditate and to clear ur mind chatter to a new conciousness.... I have to work on.me to be a better man for me and to put my life in oder again before I jump into anything else....I can almost guarantee that once I get my head screwed on straight and Im happy just being with me and the way things are...Everything else will fall into place and I will hace more then I hoped for....

[2sunny]

You need ACTION.

 

DO what you read.

 

Also - have you done all of your ACTION part of the steps? If not, you can't expect to be happy yet.

 

Get busy DOING!

 

 

 

Reading and talking doesn't change a thing.

[hurts_so_bad]

You need ACTION.

 

DO what you read.

 

Also - have you done all of your ACTION part of the steps? If not, you can't expect to be happy yet.

 

Get busy DOING!

 

 

 

Reading and talking doesn't change a thing.

 

I am doing what I can. The job I am on requiress me to be there at 7am which is a 4:15am wake up for me and in most acses I am not home till 6pm...So it leaves little time as I try to be in bed no later then 10pm..

 

The book teaches meditation and relaxation to be in the now and forcus as little as I can on the past or future. I understand that. It also teaches to accept your feelings which is the hard part. Except them without judging them...Really hard! I look at what they say and think...Ok if I can literally live in the now and turn my emotions off the past then I will forget the hurt, the insecurities, drop my ego, and the pain alot easier...Do you think this is so?

 

Like I said, I am trying but there are moments of the day when I just think of things and picture things that make me want to just punch a wall! The rest of the time that I try not to think of all the bad crap I have a lingering pain in my chest like all the emotions are going there just waiting to be released again.

 

I know this thing is going to take time and practice and maybe I am expecting it to fast but do you think Im on the right track?

[2sunny]

You aren't DOING what you can.

 

Ae you meeting with your sponsor 3 nights a week to DO solid step work? Are you helping other alcoholics to recover?

 

Step 1 is to surrender. Surrender means to "cease fighting"! It calls for "to cease fighting anyone and anything".

 

YOU are fighting the whole thing...especially your wife.

 

Life isn't like that when you work a solid program.

 

This is what tells me you haven't DONE the work - you think you are still in charge - trying to control everything.

 

When you do the action part, THOROUGHLY and HONESTLY - you won't need to "have your way".

 

You've got things backwards... I'm sure your wife sees that.

 

You tell me you hear me - but you don't change what you can.

 

You don't show evidence of completely trusting YOUR higher power. Pick a new one since your prior one hasn't worked for you yet; you seem to think that your way is better than your gods way.

 

I don't question my higher powers way. I trust that EVERYTHING is exactly as its supposed to be. I gave up MY WAY almost 5 years ago and di ALL the steps within 5 weeks. I've never questioned whether or not things were just right - they ALWAYS are! I am shown WHY they are just right AFTER I do it my HP's way.

 

When things flow freely I taken that free flowing energy as a green light. When I get resistance to ANY situation (if I have to force it to be my way) I know that I'm not supposed to be doing that!

 

I have a "loose plan" for each day - and I FOLLOW my prompts I get from my HP - and everything has ALWAYS been so amazing EVER SINCE I decided to give my life and MY WILL over to my higher power!

 

It works! But not when you keep inflicting YOUR WILL into every day you live.

 

Think of it this way - in step 3 it says that I made a DECISION to turn my life(my actions) and my will (my thoughts) over to the care of God (whatever God I CHOOSE) as I understood him (or her).

 

If you don't LIVE and BREATHE that step - you haven't started.

 

Start with step 1 - and really surrender this time! Cease fighting anyone and anything - even alcohol - even your wife - even not having your license!

 

You want to loose weight? Start walking everywhere - you don't need to pay for a gym!

 

Acceptance is the KEY to ALL your problems (big book quote) you haven't done a thing to help yourself...

 

I'm tired of telling you - it's all right there and you haven't made the effort for the gift that was laid at your feet.

 

Do it - or don't and remain as miserable as you make yourself.

 

Life is amazing this way... There's not one reason to delay.

[hurts_so_bad]

I want so bad to call her and tell her how much I love her and miss her but I know I cant...I love the holidays but cant wait fie this years to be over! I sucks to be lonely but everytime I feel down I gotta pick.myself up and dust.myself off and keep doing the right things fir me to be the best man I can be.

 

.Its not easy but if ithers have done it I can as well! Just cant wait for the day when life is back to normal and this broken heart of mi e is healed!

[Cali408]

It's very simple. Stop doing the things that are keeping you from being what you want to be and who you want to be with. Man The F Up! Doing the same thing over and over is insanity.

[Steadfast]

It's very simple. Stop doing the things that are keeping you from being what you want to be and who you want to be with. Man The F Up! Doing the same thing over and over is insanity.

 

It takes, on average, two years to get over divorce. This basically includes *not* thinking about your ex every minute of the day, sleeping peacefully and a renewed interest in your passions. For some it's less. Others, longer.

 

You're coming up on a year Hurts. You are still in day-by-day mode. Like I've written before, getting better starts with wanting to get better.

[2sunny]

It's very simple. Stop doing the things that are keeping you from being what you want to be and who you want to be with. Man The F Up! Doing the same thing over and over is insanity.

 

Insanity is an abnormal mental condition.

 

Doing the same thing over and over AND expecting a different outcome is known as stupidity.

 

IF YOU expect things to change - EVERYTHING needs to be done differently. EVERYTHING!

 

But you'd know that IF you would do your step work!

 

Contrary action is key! Doing opposite of what is written instep 4 shows exactly what can be done differently = in order to get a different result.

 

Finding excuses not to change the things you can is not what's suggested.

 

Your excuses and unwillingness to change keeps you stuck.

[hurts_so_bad]

It's very simple. Stop doing the things that are keeping you from being what you want to be and who you want to be with. Man The F Up! Doing the same thing over and over is insanity.

 

And what things would they be? C'mon dude! Actions speak louder then words and..To tell someone that means nothing! I am working out doing yoga, AA, working, meditating, taking care of my kids...etc....Its not simple as anyone on here who has or is suffering! NO matter what it is you do the hurt remains...It gets easier to deal with keeping busy and time combined. But there is no one going to tell me its simple like there is a magic pill...Theres not... Sorry but what you are saying to me makes no sense...Maybe I make no sense cause I dont get what you mean.....You cant just go out there and take whatever you want...If that were the case Id have a 5'4 gorgeous blonde here with me now...You can try your damndest, Doesnt mean its going to happen in reality! Not in mine anyway...

[hurts_so_bad]

Insanity is an abnormal mental condition.

 

Doing the same thing over and over AND expecting a different outcome is known as stupidity.

 

IF YOU expect things to change - EVERYTHING needs to be done differently. EVERYTHING!

 

But you'd know that IF you would do your step work!

 

Contrary action is key! Doing opposite of what is written instep 4 shows exactly what can be done differently = in order to get a different result.

 

Finding excuses not to change the things you can is not what's suggested.

 

Your excuses and unwillingness to change keeps you stuck.

 

 

change what sunny? I am doing everything i need to do including the meetings...I am moving forward with my life..Sometimes I just need to vent so I do it here rather then contact... There is no way i can believe that this is just going to float away and not be on my mind... No matter what I do its not just going to disappear till its ready to disappear! 20 years is a long time to love someone...It just doesnt disappear, Not for me...That was part of the problem I had! Thinking and trying to fight the feelings, Thinking that I am not supposed to feel this way and because I do there must be something wrong with me!

 

Thats what led me too feeling insecure about myself...The idea that if I was this or I was that, I would be more secure and I wouldnt feel this way! BS! I read somewhere that situations like this make us all insecure versions of ourselves, and its true...Thats all there is to it! Day by day things are getting easier but its still there thats all I am saying

[2sunny]

Meetings are NOT step work!

[standtall]

hurts...you're following the right recipe..the one missing ingredient is time....

[hurts_so_bad]

hurts...you're following the right recipe..the one missing ingredient is time....

 

Thanks Standtall

 

I appreciate the input...Its frustrating cause I have posts that make it sound like I should be over grieving. If I did this or did that I would be better! It took me a while to finally realize that feeling this way is normal!

All the time I was fighting it thinking "If I were different, I wouldnt feel this way" All that did was confuse the sh@t out of me making me want to change myself. Ive learned you have to accept yourself as you are to calm your mind and get rid of the constant chatter, or what if's..Then there is room to think straight and work on whatever one feels their shortcomings are. Thats exactly what I am doing. But I am hearing man up! What the hell does that mean? lol....

[Leaf9]

And what things would they be? C'mon dude! Actions speak louder then words and..To tell someone that means nothing! I am working out doing yoga, AA, working, meditating, taking care of my kids...etc....Its not simple as anyone on here who has or is suffering! NO matter what it is you do the hurt remains...It gets easier to deal with keeping busy and time combined. But there is no one going to tell me its simple like there is a magic pill...Theres not... Sorry but what you are saying to me makes no sense...Maybe I make no sense cause I dont get what you mean.....You cant just go out there and take whatever you want...If that were the case Id have a 5'4 gorgeous blonde here with me now...You can try your damndest, Doesnt mean its going to happen in reality! Not in mine anyway...

 

Please. Tell me your wife is 5'4", gorgeous and blonde?

[Steadfast]

I appreciate the input...Its frustrating cause I have posts that make it sound like I should be over grieving. If I did this or did that I would be better! It took me a while to finally realize that feeling this way is normal!

 

It is. Don't feel bad about feeling bad.

 

I spent the first six-weeks after my d-day on the couch. I never did that...laid around. Scared my kids to death. Then she moved out and things got better. Up days and down. The divorce helped. A rebound relationship after that. Ugh. Big setback. I felt happiness in two-hour spurts.

 

But that's better than no happiness at all.

 

See? For most of us, it comes back slowly. I never tried to pretend like I didn't love her. I worked on accepting her decisions, then worked on fulfilling mine. The scales tipped. It's like digging out of a hole.

 

Hang in there friend, and post away. Reach out with a PM if you wish.

[hurts_so_bad]

It is. Don't feel bad about feeling bad.

 

I spent the first six-weeks after my d-day on the couch. I never did that...laid around. Scared my kids to death. Then she moved out and things got better. Up days and down. The divorce helped. A rebound relationship after that. Ugh. Big setback. I felt happiness in two-hour spurts.

 

But that's better than no happiness at all.

 

See? For most of us, it comes back slowly. I never tried to pretend like I didn't love her. I worked on accepting her decisions, then worked on fulfilling mine. The scales tipped. It's like digging out of a hole.

 

Hang in there friend, and post away. Reach out with a PM if you wish.

 

Hey thanks for the post! It helps to hear that this is normal cause its now 10 months and althought the pain is still there it is dying out! But I kept saying to myself since the beginning, If I was more secure or a stronger man or this or that I wouldnt let this bother me! It made me extremely insecure in thinking that way!

 

I was so confused thinking I had to change me to stop the pain so thats all I did was question myself! I mean the things I am doing are bettering me as a man atleast physically but I know now there is no work to be done mentally..

 

You have been with me a while steadfast and you know my story. I made a mess out of the marriage with my antics....Those are bad habits that are left behind for me. But they are exactly that Habits! Not anything wrong personally with me...

 

everywhere I go I meet new people, guys on the job love me, Im a great guy...I just couldnt see it due to what happened. Now I do...Just wish I could find myself a nice women that I can spend some time with! being lonely sucks! lol...No matter how much confidence you have or hobbies its always nice to have a better half to hang with!

[aMguilts]

hi hurtssobad.

 

Really nice to see you post something positive about yourself!! .

 

One thing i AM going to comment on thou, is you seem to think that to be happy, you MUST have someone in your life.

Be happy in yourself 1st.

I`ll make a bet with you?( a virtual 1 )

I bet you that if you work on yourself and find happiness in yourself that you will find someone almost straight away.

From what you posted , you are NO where near being ready to be with anyone.

 

BUT... it looks like you are moving in the right direction towards that goal, so well done to you!!

 

Hope you have a great christmas and an even better new year

 

aM

[hurts_so_bad]

hi hurtssobad.

 

Really nice to see you post something positive about yourself!! .

 

One thing i AM going to comment on thou, is you seem to think that to be happy, you MUST have someone in your life.

Be happy in yourself 1st.

I`ll make a bet with you?( a virtual 1 )

I bet you that if you work on yourself and find happiness in yourself that you will find someone almost straight away.

From what you posted , you are NO where near being ready to be with anyone.

 

BUT... it looks like you are moving in the right direction towards that goal, so well done to you!!

 

Hope you have a great christmas and an even better new year

 

aM

 

Thanks for the post am...finding happiness within myself is one thing I am having a hard time doing...I have read books like Live in the now, Ive been meditating, yoga, etc but its still hard...I mean what is happiness inside yourself? To be happy on your own? To be happy with who you are? I am happy with who I am...My life is basically all together now...I have my own home, a good job, my kids, the only thing lacking is my license which is in the works.

 

I am not looking for a women to make me whole...I know my hobbies and am independant...I have my own life...Just looking for someone to share my life with.

 

If there is something im missing on being happy inside please advise on how to do that. Any advice is appreciated...Its just hard to be happy right now especially during the holidays...

[hurts_so_bad]

Just wanted to remember all my friends who have tried helping me out this year! Standtall, sunny, Dot, steadfast, amguilts, Trippi, and others...Even coops! Its been a hard road the past 10 months and its hard today but i know in time it will be easier... Thank you all for your help and encouragement threw the year! Merry Christmas and hope all your holidays are going to be great!

 

HSB

[dreamingoftigers]

Just wanted to remember all my friends who have tried helping me out this year! Standtall, sunny, Dot, steadfast, amguilts, Trippi, and others...Even coops! Its been a hard road the past 10 months and its hard today but i know in time it will be easier... Thank you all for your help and encouragement threw the year! Merry Christmas and hope all your holidays are going to be great!

 

HSB

 

Have a good Christmas HSB.

[trippi1432]

Merry Christmas HSB.

[hurts_so_bad]

morning guys/gals...Hope everyone had a nice Christmas! I woke up this morning kind of depressed like almost every other morning for the past 10 months...I find as the day goes on and Im occupied I feel better but still hate the mornings

 

The question I have is, Everyone says happiness comes from inside...Ive asked many many times how? Never seem to get a straight answer. The only answers I did get were to be grateful for what I have (which I am) and to try and live in the now and white out bad thought which I do my best too...

 

Maybe I am rushing this to feel better, I dont know but I have done everything in my power to do so and I still feel ****ty much of the time. Is this normal after 10 months? People say you should be happy before you start dating again but is this really true? I mean, I have spent 20 years of my life being in a relationship...I long for the companionship and love...Is it so much of a bad thing to long for another person in my life?

 

The way i look at it is, I have everything, My house, my kids, my job, my health, everything i need...The two things missing are my license which hopefully will be here very very shortly and someone to spend time with and love as well as be loved. I miss that...Is there something so wrong with that?

 

Sometimes I just dont get it! Im a good looking guy with a great personality. Ive been on dating sites but it just seems women run from me and I only meet the ones I am really not really attracted too...Maybe its the way god wants it right now and he is teaching me a lesson for the crap Ive done in the past, I dont know...I do know that I really get depressed sometimes cause I have no one in my life to love in that way..

 

Im at the age where all my friends are either married or dating so they really dont do much of anything...I dont like going out on my own so its people I need to get out and have fun with. I guess I feel stuck... It s@@ks sometimes!!

[petterr]

Hi hurts!

 

I have read your posts since you stumbled on this site, just like I did!

 

About the straight answer to your question about happiness. Think of it like this: The day you wake up not hating the mornings then you know you are there. It doesnt take some miracle cure or a magic wand. It just takes ????

 

 

No woman can fix you! Know that! You have alot of positive thoughts about yourself. Now you have to believe in them. You are the guy you decide to be. But keep away from women for now. For me its been a year and I really dont see a point in getting envolved with a woman.

 

Please remember that your not stuck, even though it feels like it. The slower you get there the faster the happiness.

[2sunny]

Have you done all your steps... Including sponsoring others?