baltimore50 Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 hi have been married 26 years, met when i was 18 so been with him most of my life! he is my best friend but he drinks too much and has done for a long time, have 18 and 21 year old kids, want him out and me to move on, I am ready to do so, but financially we will have to wait for a while to sort things out. in the meantime we are in seperate bedrooms we still chat, but its scary to think i will be on my own if we separate, both kids will be at college soon and i feel very lonely. i think he thinks if we stay together in the meantime i will forget about it and carry on as normal, which one part of me wants to, but i realize i am wasting time with him, no relationship for a long time, he is on anti depressants and has ed, which i feel bad for him but the attraction was gone before that kicked in. he refuses to stop drinking, says 'i am what i am' I dont want to sound stupid I know we have to split, its just so scary when you have spent so long with someone and still have feelings for them, I am out of work and hoping to get a job soon, I know that will make a big difference to my independance. its confusing living together as he still keeps asking me to go out with him, which i do occasionally as we are still friendly but I dont want to get his hopes up either. I'm not really asking for help here just to connect with someone who is going through this or has gone through similar stuff, hard to talk to friends about it as they are mutual friends. thanks
KathyM Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 So he won't get help for his drinking and thinks you should be OK with that. I know you're thinking you are past the point of no return with the marriage, but believe it or not some people can overcome just about anything if they want their marriage to work bad enough. I would suggest, at this point, that you give him an ultimatum, that he either gets into a treatment program, or you are leaving. Give him a deadline to find a program to help him, such as by the end of the month. Tell him he has until the end of the month to find a treament program, otherwise you are leaving him. Give him some suggestions/leads on places where he could get help. Offer to make the call for him. If none of that works and the deadline comes and goes with no progress made towards getting help, then leave. As far as the other stuff, that can be resolved with work from a good marriage counselor. Feelings can be rekindled. But work on the elephant in the room first off--getting him into an alcohol treatment program. Don't throw away your marriage without doing everything you possibly can to save it.
Author baltimore50 Posted June 13, 2012 Author Posted June 13, 2012 thanks but unfortunately been there done that! says 'i am what i am' refuses to change realizing that it means seperation. inthe past i have usually given in as its the easier route, weak on my part, but a few things he has done especially to my daughter i am at the end of my tolerance, the problem is when he doesnt drink we get on well, hes good company, its hard to let go of that, I cant just leave, i'm not earning enough to do that, we have a lot of expenses and his salary covers that, he says we will work things out later when an investment we have comes through, we can pay off bills and see where we stand. its strange still being in the same house, he still asks me to go out with him to meet friends, I have a couple of times when they came in from out of town but thats just prolonging things. I know what I have to do, have seen a lawyer, but its hard when you still love the person and are still best friends but I know the other side of love for him is gone, suppose I'm just being weak again, b ut trying to be stronger this time! kids don't really believe I'll go through with it, but I need some self respect this time. thanks, i'll keep reading the forums they are helpful, hard to realize that these things dont just happen overnight it could take a long time for this to come to an end, his last conversation was he wanted to sell the family home and he will live her until its sold, well we all know the way the property market is god knows how long that'll take, I guess lots of people have gone through this 'living in limbo' stage!
K Os Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 god knows how long that'll take, I guess lots of people have gone through this 'living in limbo' stage! Yes, baltimore, for me the limbo is the worst part of it all, in many ways. But it will work out somehow or other, and you need to believe that. As the saying goes, "When you're going through hell, keep going". Stay strong and focus on the parts that are important to you. Forget the other bits
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