Mixed signals from a man

[Suzanne_W]

I met a guy (Steve) a couple months ago at a friends party. He is the brother of my friend's husband. We seemed to click and he got my phone number from them later. By the way, I am 46 and he is 50. Steve has been working in another state and only comes home every other weekend. He has been initiating texts with me virtually every day, and we text back and forth, sometimes for a couple hours at a time. Sometimes he'll be at a bar in the state where he is and text me frequently, telling me what's going on there, what he's doing, and texts me videos of the band that is playing. Three times he has been home and we have gone out together with my friends (his brother and sister-in-law) but not alone together. He hasn't kissed me, or held my hand, and at the end of the night, he only gives me a warm hug. I was okay with this at first as I don't like a guy trying to put the moves on me too soon and I had told him I am a little traditional. Nonetheless, I am beginning to think he is only interested in me as a "gal pal", which might be okay if I just knew that.

 

Last night was a replay of the night out and the warm hug, but with one additional incident which I feel was a slap in the face and possibly a big fat hint that he is not romantically interested in me. We had made a late night stop at Waffle House after the club and during the meal my friend mentioned a woman that Steve has never met. Steve inquired about her and asked "How old is she?" to which my friend aswered "34". Steve then perked up and said "Ohhh! Really??? Is she single??" At first I almost laughed thinking he was kidding around or something, but he was dead serious and even looked excited until my friend said that this woman is happily married. In my opinion this was a big fat neon sign to me that he is not interested in me. Am I wrong? I've never had a man I was dating behave that way, and in fact I felt humiliated in front of my friend. Up until that moment he seemed to be very much a gentleman in every way. I'm okay with us just being friends but I feel like he's giving me mixed signals and also I'm too busy to be texting so much if this is going nowhere. If he was any other guy I'd be telling him how I interpreted his comment, or I'd just tell him to take a hike, but I don't want to come off as insecure, or alienate my friends who may not see things my way. They may think I'm misreading or overreacting. I didn't see any obvious reaction from my friend when he made the comment but she was very sleepy. Her husband (Steve's brother) was not at the table at the moment.

 

Anyway, this morning Steve went back to Nashville and I thought (with some relief) that would surely be the last I would hear from him since he had apparently felt desperate enough to be so blunt. But he has already texted me several times today. What, if anything should I say or do? Some advice please!

Edited June 11, 2012 by Suzanne_W

[belocchoc129]

I think you should make things clear with him to avoid wasting your time or allow him to cause you any more confusion. If you find it hard to talk to him, you could either email him or text him and ask about the situation yesterday. At least you would get a clear answer and stop wondering what was on his mind. I think there would just be two cases:

1/ He likes you and wants to see your reactions (if you would get jealous and ask him) of this so if you ask him, things might start getting greater!

2/ He's not that into you and totally don't consider you as a potential partner therefore don't care about your reactions to the conversation.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Good ole Steve strikes me as an oblivious man...your intepretation of his gentlemanly and friendly demeanor was non other than Steve being the kind of guy that doesn't know how to pull the trigger, or be clear with women...he doesnt sound like the type of man that would understand things very well unless signals were very clear.

 

So I do see a little naivety and cluelessness on his part, his comment may have been a snap reaction without even thinking about it. He seems interested in you to a degree but not majorly,he doesn't seem like the kind of guy that is just being a little stand-offish because of the close relationships you have within this circle. Plus If he were to be interested then I think you'd hear at least a little fuss or some gossip, because of the tension between the two of you at least in the form of light flirtation by simply staying in contact so consistently.

 

In my opinion you shouldn't leave it up to Steve to use you as a distraction and form of entertainment while he travels state to state passing the time talking to you when he gets bored. If he wasn't clear by now then I'd be suspicious of the level of interest. Plus If he was that interested wouldn't he have asked you on a date by now? wouldn't he have initiated some kind of move or gesture? instead of play phone tag all day long, that's just a sign of If he isn't interested he's got something else going on too and doesn't necessarily need you right now or have the room for you.

 

You're not exactly dating in your 20's anymore so it's a little beyond me why adults would hang out in the grey zone so long when they're perfectly capable of confronting each other with serious or mature questions and able to be more open and straight forward with eachother...I mean why play the games? isn't someone at some point going to say something or is it all up to Steve to make the move or lack thereof? and then what? and for how long?

 

His excitement over the age of this other woman as well shows his interest is also appear to be in younger women...so you now can wonder that If your age plays a part in his desire...which I know you won't want to hear and might piss you off but the guy sounds kind of douchey anyway, he has that vibe from your description. He could have said at any moment "Look...I'm interested in you and wondered If you wouldn't mind dating, I want to take things slow, I travel quite a bit but I would like to go out when I am in town" I mean is it just me that sees that as normal instead of too much to ask for? is there some reason that this is too much to expect for a man of his age? the guys no spring chicken, was he married the last 30 years and doesn't know what he's doing and just a little dense and slow or is he playing the field and not married for the reason, avoiding the opportunities to get himself into something any half capable man could see as a potential relationship or at least date opportunity?

 

The fact that he keeps contacting you means nothing, men push the limits all the time to see what women are ok with or oblivious to their own actions...why would you think he'd stop contacting you when you're clearly still giving him the time of day? easy to play off don't you think?

[Suzanne_W]

Thanks to both of you for your input. Ninjainpajamas - I should clarify that yes, actually Steve was married for over 25 years and just divorced recently after a year of separation. That's why I wonder if shyness or cluelesness could be possible factors here, as well as the possibility that he wants to sow some wild oats. I have been divorced for several years myself but am still constantly mystified by the various behaviors of men, which ironically seem to get worse as they age. But overall I don't experience many times when a man doesn't make his intentions clear.

 

I definitely have considered all of the points you make, and do feel "used" although I have thought that all this texting would certainly take up a lot of Steve's time as well and if he had something else cooking, he wouldn't have the time.

 

Also, as I mentioned I want to be very careful that, however I handle this, my friend and her husband (who no doubt have a better idea of Steve's character, and thus his probable intentions) won't be offended on his behalf. Or that I won't come off as being insecure or possessive. My friend has at times said things that indicate she is unaware of my frequent contact with him. Truthfully I thought it was just the typical non communicative male who doesn't talk to his sister-in-law about such things. But maybe I'm way off there. I should point out that these are not very close friends but ones that I think highly of and are permanent in my life for other reasons. And there are no other friends in the loop.

 

I am frustrated at having to put up with the texting any longer, but feel that maybe the safest, most tactful way for me to handle it would be to NOT be available if/when my friend invites me to the next "get together". At that point Steve can ask me out if he wants to see me.

 

My other option would be to come right out and ask him via text but I have run some dialogue through my head and hate how everything I come up with makes me sound like a teenage girl who is desperate to pin a guy down or to establish her demands for respect. And yes, at this point I FEEL like a stupid teenage girl too

[spiderowl]

He is sending you mixed signals. He hasn't treated you as anything but a friend, except for the prolific texting. I think you are right to feel it's not worth the effort of all that texting if he just wants a friend to exchange texts with (unless you want to be his friend, that is).

 

Has he indicated in any way that he is attracted to you as more than a friend? If not, then I would cut back on the texting and think twice about going out alone with him. You don't actually just want to be friends with him. You are not dating him but you feel aggrieved at things in the way that a date would. I think you are right that his level of interest as shown by the texts would indicate a very keen interested, but the lack of anything else suggests not.

 

If a guy is giving mixed signals, it's probably because he's feeling mixed. He may only be interested in friendship but because you're female he falls into flirting. He may be gay. Whatever the situation, it's painful for you. I try to pay attention to how I feel in a situation - if I am constantly feeling confused or hurt in some way, I get out of that situation. I don't really need to know why the guy is behaving in a confused way; all I need to know is that it is affecting me negatively and does not appear to be getting any better.

[FitChick]

if I am constantly feeling confused or hurt in some way, I get out of that situation. I don't really need to know why the guy is behaving in a confused way; all I need to know is that it is affecting me negatively.

 

This is an excellent point -- knowing why doesn't change anything and would prevent a lot of the problems and angst in this forum.

[Suzanne_W]

Yes, Spiderowl you make an excellent point. And like you stated, since I'm not sure if we are "dating", I'm not sure I have the right to be angry or confront him about his comment. I don't mind being just friends but I don't spend this much time texting with friends. Also, I have male friends and things were never so ambiguous about our relationships. But we didn't have geography and other circumstances adding to the confusion.

 

I think I will try to minimize the texting over the next couple of weeks. Unfortunately, it would be hard to avoid it all together without it being overly obvious that I'm doing so - though I admit that possibility is beginning to appeal to me a little.

 

The next time he comes to town I'm not going to be available for the group thing. He will have to ask me himself to go out with HIM. If he does, then at least I have clarification that he is not being thrust into these situations without being consulted. At that point I think I'll be justified in expecting clarification. Thanks everyone for helping me sort this out! It helps to get different perspectives.