keep going or let go?

[ChelseaArrow]

Three months ago my ex broke up with me. She told me she needed to find herself and wanted to become a better person because for some reason she was only mean to me. She said all she knew of herself was because of me. We were together for 8 years ( im 25, shes 24), She was waiting for me to change for about a year or 2 and finally gave up and left. I didnt want to go out, do anything I just wanted to be a home body, I guess i was holding her back. I guess I got too comfortable because she basically smothered and lived with me since we first started dating, so i needed some space. After the break up I realized so many things about myself that I need to work on and I already feel like im changing for the better. I've been looking for a job for a really long time and I guess I was digging myself a hole from it. When I finally got a job I started to get my life together and I was becoming very happy and we started to do things and go out. I guess it was too late because she had her mind set already.

 

I went no contact for 2 months and made contact with her about a month ago, Ive only spoken to her on the phone twice and we met up twice. I was getting better with myself when we werent talking and even after the first contact. But after that I have been feeling like crap all over again.

 

the first time on phone and meeting up everything was good, I was good having a good time, she believes Im doing great, she kept telling me " you seem like you are on track with life, you seem so happy now" she told me she missed me, but i didnt respond to it.

The 2nd time I called her I asked her to meet up with me, and she bascially said instead of giving us a chance to have fun and see where it leads it, " is it going to be awkward"? and I responded "what do you mean", she said " are you ready to just be friends"? and I said " I think we should go into this with and open mind and whatever happens happens", she replied " I do not want to get into a relationsihp anytime soon"

 

I just was near her work place last week because of a job and I asked her to grab quick bite since i was in area and we ate. I felt like my body language and reactions showed that something was bothering me, honestly myself i dont know if its work or her. anyways at the end she basically told me "This is probably going to be the last time i talk to you for all summer, have a great time in Hawaii" and I just gave her this awkward smile because i didnt know how to react. I think it definitely showed that i wasnt okay.

 

I know that I am not in any state to get back into a relationship anytime soon because im not emotionally stable and I need to work on myself still. I feel like everytime i talk to her I have to have a plan and I cant FULLY be myself. I definitely want to get back together in the future though and I want to keep the communication going, is this bad?

 

Shes leaving in 2 weeks ( potentially for 3- 5 months of traveling the world), and I dont know if i should ask her to hang out one more time before she leaves, or just leave it at that. I was thinking of saying to her " this is going to be the last time we speak all summer, let me know within the next 2 days if you want to hang out one more time" just to see if she cared enough to try something or if she really wants to just let go fully. Should I email her and stuff when shes away or use this time to heal and find myeslf, would this hurt my chances?

 

Hard decision for me to either keep contact with her and let her see that im changing since shes willing to communicate with me without hassle. she DOES NOT ever initiate contact though or do not even contact her once she goes away and come back, I just let myself heal and until im ready to contact her again. but have a high chance of her finding someone else.

 

Should I act like I care about her still when I talk to her, or act like i moved on and be flirty with her and friendly, and act like she doesnt mean much to me because I have a life without her and im happy with myself? I've read so much about both ways of approaching, i thought about it, I dont want a girl to come back because of jealousy or loneliness or pity, I want her to come back because she loves me and realizes she wants me. but do I have to show that i moved on and have her become a little jealous so she would realize some of this? waht do you guys think?

 

I feel like the last year or 2 of the rleationship I showed that I didnt care already, so maybe if i showed i didnt care to her she got numb to it already and it doesnt matter, even though readings say its the way to go. I dont know what to do!

 

I just feel like i worked so hard to get to where I am now, to try to get her back but I know i have a huge possibility of hurting myself in the end.

 

any advice will help! please someone help me I want to contact her early this week.

Edited June 11, 2012 by ChelseaArrow

[Philosoraptor]

She is blaming you for her own choices. She could have taken the time to grow as a individual while still in a relationship but instead didn't and feels like you held her back.

 

If she wants it to be over then grant her wishes. Just take care of yourself and love your own life. You are correct though to not do anything in order to get her back. If she comes back of her own volition then that is great, if not you will still be loving and enjoying your own life.

[greenz]

You feel like you've been holding her back and maybe you have. She still wants a "relationship" with you, but on her own terms. She's tired of the emotionally unstable home body. She wants someone that will take care of her. Sorry, all women do, but in return they will really take care of you in other ways.

 

You are clearly not ready for anything serious. Take the time to get better. Have fun. Don't seek comfort in other girls. However, your ex says she'd like to keep in touch so why don't you try and keep in touch? Keep it casual. If you really love her, you'll listen to her and just be friends with her without any pressure. If you engage contact occasionally, she will engage back, but don't do any of that "This is the last time we will see each other until..." Instead, wish her a good trip and tell her you hope she will have fun. In the meantime keep working on yourself. When you feel strong, you will find that you will have maintained contact with her all along and you will be in position to better try and win her back. Or, when you get strong, you might find that there are plenty of other fish in the sea and you really don't feel that way about her anymore. Basically, wait until you know.

[ChelseaArrow]

Thanks so much, I definitely did believe that she could have grown as an individual with me in it.

 

she actually initiated first contact today for the first time, she basically texted me about a nice brunch place that I would like that she went to over the weekend. Is she just being nice you think or is she implying we should hang out again before she leaves? I want to call her back tonight, should i ask her to go out one more time? I was going to see if she wanted to go hang out by saying let me know within the next 2 days if you want to hang out one more time before you leave. Just to see if she would basically call me back and ask. Is this putting too much pressure? I just want her to have a nice impression of me before she leaves, I want us to have fun.

 

When she goes away it will be the perfect time for me to work on myself, I will cut all communication. She brought up something along the lines " if i dont email you back within a few days, you know something happened to me" and I've never told her that I was going to email her. Should i ask her to let me know how its going when shes there? or just let her do all the contacting from there?

[ChelseaArrow]

She is blaming you for her own choices. She could have taken the time to grow as a individual while still in a relationship but instead didn't and feels like you held her back.

 

If she wants it to be over then grant her wishes. Just take care of yourself and love your own life. You are correct though to not do anything in order to get her back. If she comes back of her own volition then that is great, if not you will still be loving and enjoying your own life.

 

Are you saying I should just go NC, or keep the communication going occasionally? and hang out sometimes?

[greenz]

If you want to have brunch with her, have brunch with her. If you want to have fun, have fun, but you can't have any expectations right now. You can ask, but don't ask for anything major and don't expect that your requests will be met. You are broken up. If you are going to get back together, you need to have your mind right. Right now, approaching her is almost like approaching any girl for the first time - you need to have confidence. And you don't. In fact, you also have a bad history that both she and you need to get over. Even if you will be confident, she will be weary. It will take time. Keep in touch with her only if you can do that and not have to come on here to see what it means when she says... whatever she says. If you find that it makes you desperate and makes you question what to do, then you aren't ready to maintain contact.

 

I'm in a similar position right now. I found an amazing girl. We dated for 8 months, but it was stressful because it was long distance and I had a ton of issues I was figuring out. She broke up with me last month. That instantaneously made me snap out of my depression and made me realize that I really truly want to be with her. So I immediately told her so. However, it was too late. She's not willing to get back with me right now. But I'm finding that in the past few weeks I have realized that I will not win her back with words, but actions. If I respect her wishes for how much contact she wants and keep working on getting my career figured out, eventually I'll have my shot if I desire. Bottom line is, I realize she doesn't want a relationship right now and I respect that. By not taking things so seriously, it allows me to focus on myself without having any expectations. When she broke up with me 3 weeks ago, she said she would never consider taking me back in another 5 to 10 years. Since then, we've talked and texted and even skyped a couple of times. We've commented on each other's fb statuses. Now she's saying that if it is meant to be it will happen. She's no longer mad at me. So, right now I believe that we will get back together and I'm going to work on myself in order to make it so. And if that doesn't happen or if she finds someone else, at least I will have a friend for life bacause I truly respect her and with time, at the very least, she will respect me.

[ChelseaArrow]

Seems like our situations are very very similiar, do you still bring up the relationships and stuff to her? Since I see that shes now saying "if its meant to be it will happen"? I understand you speak to her and all, but doesnt it feel like you are torturing yourself and cant give yourself time to heal and work on yourself? I really do want to keep contact with her, but I dont know if i can move foward with working on myself. I'm trying my best to go through this with no expectations. anyway, we'll get through this together!

[greenz]

It really doesn't feel that way to me. This is the second time I've been dumped in my life and I know that it's not the end all be all. I've been the dumper and I've been the dumped. Life goes on. I love her and I respect her space. It hurt for a couple of weeks, but it seems we've transitioned into friends very well precisely because I have shown emotional maturity and she has reciprocated. I went through a lot of issues while I was in the relationship and perhaps the break up was what I really needed. I've gotten a lot done since it's happened and I'm looking at things very clearly. If I can move closer to her, I will definitely give it another shot if she will let me. I'm planning things that way, but I'm not stopping living in the mean time.

 

Our communication is pretty fun actually. We just tell each other what we've been up to. Some relationship issues from the past come up, but only a little bit and usually to joke about something silly that happened. Last time I apologized for some things I took for granted and she apologized for some things she took for granted. I think I have more to apologize for, but all of this is a good sign. Sometimes I miss her, but it feels really good just the way it is for now. She just posted some pictures of me on fb from our last trip together. I know she misses me to. If she'll be ready to start something with me again, I trust that she will let me know. Until then, I don't plan on disappearing. At the very worst, I'll have a friend for life.

[citrusdrop1688]

You need to leave that **** alone, for sure. All your doing is telling her she can do whatever she wants while shes gone and youll be there waiting for her when she gets back

[ChelseaArrow]

I wound up calling her last night and she was out at a bar. She sounded like she was busy so I told her I'd talk her to her later then, and she said okay good night. She leaves next week. Is it going to come out at desperate if I called and asked her to hang out one more time since we had a 10 second conversation yseterday?

[greenz]

I wound up calling her last night and she was out at a bar. She sounded like she was busy so I told her I'd talk her to her later then, and she said okay good night. She leaves next week. Is it going to come out at desperate if I called and asked her to hang out one more time since we had a 10 second conversation yseterday?

 

It might. I think you should just give her a simple phone call and wish her all the best on her trip. Just tell her you hope she'll have fun. Then don't worry about her anymore and try to enjoy life. Maybe you will not even care about her after a few months.

[ChelseaArrow]

So i havent spoken to her for 2 months. although i was missing her through this process I was i guess alright to some extent.

 

but the other day was my birthday and she emailed me wishing me happy birthday and asking how i was, saying shes finally able to have the adventure and experience things she never have before. I haven't even emailed her back yet. I am actually scared to email her back of what emotions might come back if i start contact with her again.. I think it might make me sad to do it, but id look like an ******* if i didnt respond at all since we did not end on bad terms. what do you guys think?