Eddie Edirol Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 Reading your post kinda stung a little bit. Especially about the stuff about marriage being a smokescreen. What's funny is that when other people post relationship problems and I read it, I could kind of assume what's going on.. like "he's clearly cheating on her..." or "he clearly isn't interested in her and is slowly backing away..." but when it comes to my own problems I have absolutely no clue and what people say is shocking. Maybe youre right Eddie, he's been wanting to break up with me for a long time.. thank you for that insight, it just gave me a reality check that maybe the relationship we had wasn't so perfect after all... Oh trust me. I'm in PM's with people who give advise here, but their judgement is clouded on their own situations so they ask me for a kick in the butt. I've also asked advise when I was clouded on my own situations. Its not as clear when were in a fog of belief or grief. And whats worse, when its obvious to everyone else, we dont want to believe it, and dont realize they were right until much after we get over the SO. But trust me, every little nugget you learn with this relationship will keep you sharp for the rest of your days. You will spot out the BS from a mile away, especially when the actions dont match the words. It stings now, but you will be thankful for it next time around, and it wont hurt nearly as much. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skyisfalling Posted June 13, 2012 Author Share Posted June 13, 2012 eddie.. so i have a question for you. How would I spot out the BS right away? From this relationship I learned that, my ex was a douche and i failed to recognize that because I loved him so much. It wasn't until he basically gave me the silent treatment and ignored all my messages that I got the hint he wanted it over.. I had absolutely NO IDEA that our relationship was rocky because even just a couple of days before our so called break, we were being lovey dovey and planning our future together. so how do I prevent myself from having this happen again? what were the signs I missed? Thanks in advance! I'm just trying to reflect back on my relationship and really going back to see what I had missed. Its hard to see without someone pointing it out to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Eddie Edirol Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 Unfortunately I cant tell you what signs you missed, because I dont know how he acted towards you. You havent posted about any strange behavior yet. But anything that looked weird to you is a sign. But you will come out of the fog eventually, you will go over things in your mind constantly, and the red flags will come up once the love is gone. The main thing is words not matching actions. But you have to realize what you did wrong too. For instance, you broke up with him, and was mad when he didnt put up a fight. Thats not the way to have a relationship. If he leaves you stranded somewhere, then you know he isnt the one, and you dont ever talk to him again. LEaving you stranded is a sign, dont you think? Everything that doesnt seem right that you think you have to overlook to be in love is BS that shouldnt be ignored. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skyisfalling Posted June 13, 2012 Author Share Posted June 13, 2012 Thank you Eddie. And you are absolutely right, I definitely was in the wrong breaking up with him. But no matter how sad or angry you were that your girlfriend broke up with you, if she told you she didn't mean it and wanted to talk it over, if you loved her, you would try and work it out, right? Link to post Share on other sites
Eddie Edirol Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 Thank you Eddie. And you are absolutely right, I definitely was in the wrong breaking up with him. But no matter how sad or angry you were that your girlfriend broke up with you, if she told you she didn't mean it and wanted to talk it over, if you loved her, you would try and work it out, right? Nope. Because I would assume that if she said "were through" that she would always use that tactic, and thats not the relationship I want. Because I wouldnt allow someone to use that against me instead of talking about the problem first like an adult. But, to be fair, that is the type of thing that I would have seen the signs for long ago, and I wouldnt love her. Someone I actually allowed myself to fall for wouldnt use that tactic on me. But your situation isnt like that. Your ex has some reason in his head that he doesnt want to work it out with you, I guess he didnt tell you. Link to post Share on other sites
greenz Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 Thank you Eddie. And you are absolutely right, I definitely was in the wrong breaking up with him. But no matter how sad or angry you were that your girlfriend broke up with you, if she told you she didn't mean it and wanted to talk it over, if you loved her, you would try and work it out, right? If I really loved her, then I probably would want to work it out. I would understand that it was in the heat of the moment. My ex did that to me and I didn't give her a second chance, but with time I realize now that while I did love her, I wasn't IN LOVE with her. I didn't believe that it could really last. It was my way out. It may be his way out too. He left you at the bar - that's a pretty huge sign. He is not willing to put up with any of your mistakes. He will only take you back if you are crawling to him. You've been crawling back to him again and he's still not taking you back. He is not IN LOVE with you. If he comes back, it will be only until he finds someone else. He isn't really there for you. I'm sorry if this is harsh, but be strong and keep working on yourself day to day. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skyisfalling Posted June 13, 2012 Author Share Posted June 13, 2012 If I really loved her, then I probably would want to work it out. I would understand that it was in the heat of the moment. My ex did that to me and I didn't give her a second chance, but with time I realize now that while I did love her, I wasn't IN LOVE with her. I didn't believe that it could really last. It was my way out. It may be his way out too. He left you at the bar - that's a pretty huge sign. He is not willing to put up with any of your mistakes. He will only take you back if you are crawling to him. You've been crawling back to him again and he's still not taking you back. He is not IN LOVE with you. If he comes back, it will be only until he finds someone else. He isn't really there for you. I'm sorry if this is harsh, but be strong and keep working on yourself day to day. this is EXACTLY what i need to piece my life back together. thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skyisfalling Posted June 13, 2012 Author Share Posted June 13, 2012 this realization that he wasn't IN LOVE with me hurts like a bi*ch. it just took my breath away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skyisfalling Posted June 13, 2012 Author Share Posted June 13, 2012 i just dont friggin understand how just a couple of days ago he professes his love to me then he just automatically goes into disappear mode. WTF?! It's so sick, how can people switch their emotions that quickly? After all those years and effort you put into that person how do they just walk away without even frieken trying? I wouldn't be able to walk away just like that without a fight if i loved someone so much. I wouldn't be able to be that mean and cruel. UGH TIME INVESTED is wasted.. down the f*****drain. we all F*** up and that's why relationships take work. UGH STUPID IDIOT Link to post Share on other sites
Reddice Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 i just dont friggin understand how just a couple of days ago he professes his love to me then he just automatically goes into disappear mode. It's actually very common and is more rule than exception. Just go over some threads on Love Shack and you'll notice this keeps coming up over and over again. In my case, just a few hours before **** hit the fan, my ex was discussing possible children's names with me while she was cuddled up to me. She brought this subject up herself. I also remember one morning (she always started work an hour or two earlier than I did), just a few days before the breakup, my ex came up to me while I was still sleeping, to cuddle and suddenly started crying. When I wasked what was wrong, she told me she loved me so much, she was so happy with me and she could not stand the thought over ever losing me. She loved me so much that it made her emotional. In hindsight, I think she was crying because the complete opposite was the case. I think this was the moment she made the actual decision. I guess it's just a part of the smokescreen they're blowing up in our face. I guess it's their way to keep us on a backburner in case Plan A doesn't work out. I wouldn't be able to walk away just like that without a fight if i loved someone so much. I wouldn't be able to be that mean and cruel. UGH TIME INVESTED is wasted.. down the f*****drain. This was one of the hardest part of my break up as well. I had a hard time understanding why she didn't fight for the relationship, why she didn't talk to me about what was wrong, why I was not worth fighting for. After 4 months, the answer is very obvious though: She just didn't care. The same goes for your ex. He just doesn't care. He might have never cared. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skyisfalling Posted June 13, 2012 Author Share Posted June 13, 2012 how did you end up getting over it reddice? Link to post Share on other sites
Eddie Edirol Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 how did you end up getting over it reddice? You cut all ties and, live your life, move on, hang with friends. Thats all you can do. And you find all the reasons that your ex was bad for you, what you could have contributed to the problems of the relationship, and how you learn what not to do in the next relationship, and what boundaries you will have. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skyisfalling Posted June 13, 2012 Author Share Posted June 13, 2012 Day 6 NC and I'm beginning to realize that maybe he did do me a favor by cutting all contact with me and ignoring all my messages.. if he hadn't id still be struggling and digging myself into a hole.. Well today is a better day than yesterday. I think of him less and I actually smiled today when I saw someone trip over a bump. I am bracing myself for future days when ill have uncontrollable moments of missing him but for now.. I dont want to die so much anymore. One day at a time... Link to post Share on other sites
Reddice Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 how did you end up getting over it reddice? I'm stil not fully over her. I've been having a great week so far, that's for sure. But I've had great days before. Every time I thought I was over her, something hit me and sucked me back in. I either saw her, received breadcrumbs, my parent ran into her and told me, etc, etc. This all set me back slightly. So now I'm careful when saying I'm over my ex. I want to think I am, but who knows what tomorrow brings. But Eddie is right: "You cut all ties and, live your life, move on, hang with friends. Thats all you can do. And you find all the reasons that your ex was bad for you, what you could have contributed to the problems of the relationship, and how you learn what not to do in the next relationship, and what boundaries you will have." That's the main idea. Though I have to say, there is more to it. I already mentioned large part of this in a previous post, so I'll copy and paste a part. Anyway, just after the break, I had the immense urge to speak to everybody about the situation, wether they wanted to hear it or not. However, I noticed that the more I spoke about it, the more people were willing to share their own stories with me as well! Some of these stories were even more heartbreaking than mine was. The thing is... Some of these people told me that they spend a year, year and a half or even more years getting over their ex. This really struck a chord with me. I was going through hell, unable to function properly and losing a lot of weight. The thought of spending a year or more in agony was so overwhelming that I decided to take a stand. I would not spend that long getting over my ex! That's where I decided that everything I did, saw, read, heard and even thought, would serve a purpose: Getting over my ex a.s.a.p.! So I spent hours surfing on the internet, reading on tips how to get over your ex, reading material on how to increase your confidence, reading material on how to pick up girls, listening to self-help material and just generally trying to drown myself in positive activities. I read book after book, started analyzing where and what went wrong to learn from it, listened to motivational speakers and even "cremated" our relationship after writing her a goodbye letter, taking this to a park which I used to visit a lot with her and set it on fire there. So you see... Some people are looking for a mental switch to turn the a heartbreak "off". For me, its was the realisation that I had no intention of crying for months over someone who was definately not crying over me. Someone who lied to me, took advantage of me and had no respect for me. It was the conscious decision to move forward and do everything in my power to get over it, and get over it fast! I don't think I would be where I am now if I hadn't consciously taken the decision to move forward. In my opinion, you can do a lot to try and forget about someone, but the mental hurdle is the largest, most difficult one to take and should therefor always be the first. If you don't take the conscious decision to overcome this, you will be stuck in this mindset for a long while. The second main thing is NC. Do not underestimate the power of NC! It's definately the most powerful tool in your arsenal. I have no way of getting in contact with her anymore. Blocked her on facebook, deleted her telephone numbers, deleted her email adresses, deleted all his pictures on the computer, threw away all her pictures and everything she ever gave me. Basically, there is nothing left around to remind me of her or to tempt me/allow me into getting in touch with her. When she decided to walk out of my life, I decided to delete her from it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skyisfalling Posted June 13, 2012 Author Share Posted June 13, 2012 thank you reddice for sharing your story with me.. i think the biggest thing I've realized so far is that this is a fight within myself. I'm struggling to mentally win this internal struggle of letting go and moving on.. i feel like im fighting this war with myself.. i dont know if im making any sense.. just venting. But thank you all for the words of motivation to move on. I'm keeping strong and stayin on this forum to prevent myself from contacting him and the more I read other people's posts the more I know what I need to do to break the cycle of feeling like sh**. Link to post Share on other sites
Reddice Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 Why don't you start today by moving on? Delete his telepone number and emails. Unfriend and block him on facebook. Delete all the pictures you have of him and throw everything you ever received of him away. Just do the same thing I did... Remove everyting which reminds you of him from your life. And I literally mean everything! If you still have stuff of his laying around, get rid of it as well. Nothing may remain. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skyisfalling Posted June 13, 2012 Author Share Posted June 13, 2012 yup already have. im on NC day 6.. and everything that reminds me of him has been deleted... but it still hurts. I have so many questions WHY WHY WHY, which have never been answered because the bastard refuses to talk to me, but now I feel like i dont need them answered.. F*** them. I deserve better. Link to post Share on other sites
Tiera D Posted June 14, 2012 Share Posted June 14, 2012 sky,closure is something no one can provide its comes within,its called acceptance,besides i dont think anybody can pin point every single reason that leads to a breakup,its usually a gradual process.You just had to accept its over,read reddice moto its a spot on TD Link to post Share on other sites
Author skyisfalling Posted June 14, 2012 Author Share Posted June 14, 2012 What I dont understand is, where is the compassion to tell the dumpee, look its over. I think the dumper (aka my ex bf) should have the decency to tell me that its over. They make the decision to begin a relationship with you by asking you to be their gf so why not give them the same courtesy and let them know you're checking out. Isn't that just basic courtesy?? I'm sitting here just wondering, is this really over? I couldn't even get a "its over" via text or IM!!! I wasn't asking for a conversation, just let me know he doesn't want the relationship anymore how hard is that? This behavior is so disgusting to just ignore me like our time together was nothing. I have a right to be treated with respect. You kissed me, made love to me, introduced me to your family and you can't even tell me its over??? GROW UP and stop being a coward you prick ass douchebag! If you can't even tell the person its over, you have no right to be in relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Eddie Edirol Posted June 14, 2012 Share Posted June 14, 2012 What I dont understand is, where is the compassion to tell the dumpee, look its over. I think the dumper (aka my ex bf) should have the decency to tell me that its over. They make the decision to begin a relationship with you by asking you to be their gf so why not give them the same courtesy and let them know you're checking out. Isn't that just basic courtesy?? I'm sitting here just wondering, is this really over? I couldn't even get a "its over" via text or IM!!! I wasn't asking for a conversation, just let me know he doesn't want the relationship anymore how hard is that? This behavior is so disgusting to just ignore me like our time together was nothing. I have a right to be treated with respect. You kissed me, made love to me, introduced me to your family and you can't even tell me its over??? GROW UP and stop being a coward you prick ass douchebag! If you can't even tell the person its over, you have no right to be in relationship. This is the way most people are now. They dont want to deal with the awkwardness of a confrontation, so they go MIA. Just so you know, most people in life will not do a formal breakup, so expect that this is the way it is. if you look all over this forum, you will see the same thing, many situations where there is no real closure. Link to post Share on other sites
Tiera D Posted June 14, 2012 Share Posted June 14, 2012 Sky,note that it is not a law to declare a breakup so they are not obligated to do so,although morally they are,but morality is not a binding law so..i always put a mindset on when a girl ignores me over three days i considered that im single and i start look into getting closure within myselve i think you should do this too,its my personal selve-protecting-mechanism TD Link to post Share on other sites
Author skyisfalling Posted June 14, 2012 Author Share Posted June 14, 2012 Sadly, I have come to the realization that yes, our exes owe us absolutely nothing. I was feeling better yesterday but today i'm in a funk where i can't do nothing but think about him. I just want this feeling to be over. I wish i could just fast forward 1 year from now so all this pain would just go away.. NC DAY 7 Link to post Share on other sites
StarlaStardust Posted June 14, 2012 Share Posted June 14, 2012 I registered just to post this reply:) My last guy... I dated him for 9 months. He ended it in an email, saying he doesn't think he's the guy for me. He said he was sending an email because "word-words weren't coming together" for him, and that he was very upset and wouldn't answer the phone that night if I tried to call him, but that he'd be ready to speak with me the next day. This was over 2 months ago. I could never get him on the phone again, nor has he responded to my emails or texts (and NONE of them were 'crazy'). And to think the very last time we saw each other, he was introducing me to his father and texting me the next day that he was "imperviously happy." He is an intelligent man, so I am surprised he doesn't know quite what "impervious" means:p. But my point is this: there were red flags that he could do this -- just end a really meaningful relationship in an email and never give me the decency and respect of a 2-way conversation so that I could move on properly -- but I ignored all the red flags that this was part of his personality, because I wanted to believe he was different. And while his absolute silence has made it a lot harder to move on, in some ways it makes it much easier. Stay strong and keep loving yourself, SkyIsFalling. I've transformed this time into a period of introspection and self improvement, and it's been quite a blessing, despite my very, very, very broken heart. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
StarlaStardust Posted June 14, 2012 Share Posted June 14, 2012 And yes, I still have fantasies that he'll come back to me, apologetic and saying he made the biggest mistake of his life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skyisfalling Posted June 15, 2012 Author Share Posted June 15, 2012 I registered just to post this reply:) My last guy... I dated him for 9 months. He ended it in an email, saying he doesn't think he's the guy for me. He said he was sending an email because "word-words weren't coming together" for him, and that he was very upset and wouldn't answer the phone that night if I tried to call him, but that he'd be ready to speak with me the next day. This was over 2 months ago. I could never get him on the phone again, nor has he responded to my emails or texts (and NONE of them were 'crazy'). And to think the very last time we saw each other, he was introducing me to his father and texting me the next day that he was "imperviously happy." He is an intelligent man, so I am surprised he doesn't know quite what "impervious" means:p. But my point is this: there were red flags that he could do this -- just end a really meaningful relationship in an email and never give me the decency and respect of a 2-way conversation so that I could move on properly -- but I ignored all the red flags that this was part of his personality, because I wanted to believe he was different. And while his absolute silence has made it a lot harder to move on, in some ways it makes it much easier. Stay strong and keep loving yourself, SkyIsFalling. I've transformed this time into a period of introspection and self improvement, and it's been quite a blessing, despite my very, very, very broken heart. What an awful way of breaking up.. its like you're left wondering what the hell happened and you're just picking up the pieces.. I dont understand how once person who meant so much to you could just walk out without saying a word.. im still mind boggled. I'm still struggling and wondering why, but I know that my why's will never get answered, all i know is im better being without a douchebag who could just walk out. Can you tell me what has helped you cope, and how you managed for 2 months? Today is only day 7 and i'm having a very difficult time.. thank you Link to post Share on other sites
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