foolishlover Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 That's the problem. Sometimes people don't know. I pondered and pondered about it. That's one reason why I stayed. I just wasn't sure if he was emotionally abusing me. Turns out of course, that he was. But as I always say, even if you just think you are being emotionally abused...get out because chances are you are being abused...and even if you are not, why stay if it feels like it? I told myself for YEARS I was being too sensitive. All those horrible thoughts about wondering the things he was doing behind my back. Turns out it was all true. He WAS doing terrible things behind my back. He pretended to appreciate me. He was an actor. And Lord help his future victims. I knew getting out would be TOO painful and I didn't want to do it. But that pain didn't even compare to the pain I felt when I found out he cheated on me. For next time, I don't care if I leave prematurely. I don't care if he isn't actually abusing me. If he's lying to me, disrespecting me, and I feel abused, I'm getting out and never coming back. How did you leave? What was it that made you decide enough was enough? Did you also have thoughts that maybe it could of been the wrong decision and that he may have been the one for you? Also, did he ever come back and try to reconcile? Sorry for all the questions...its just that these thoughts go around my head daily and it is soul destroying. I feel the break up has made a part of me die inside and i dont think ill ever be the same person again. I am just falling deeper and deeper into a depressive state.
Sugarkane Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 My ex used to say that I had a crap car and he'd put me down about not knowing which career I wanted. But when I called him out on it he just lied and said he was drunk. But he wasn't at all. Should've dumped him then. I highly doubt he's changed and the arrogant Ahole is probably treating someone else like dirt now.
Boulware58 Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 How did you leave? What was it that made you decide enough was enough? Did you also have thoughts that maybe it could of been the wrong decision and that he may have been the one for you? Also, did he ever come back and try to reconcile? Sorry for all the questions...its just that these thoughts go around my head daily and it is soul destroying. I feel the break up has made a part of me die inside and i dont think ill ever be the same person again. I am just falling deeper and deeper into a depressive state. It's best that you focus on you, reconcile with friends, push your career in the right way, and it'll come along. I'm going through the same thing, and I ask myself the same questions. She's already got a new fling to replace me, yet she still thinks about me, so I hold out hope maybe she'll figure it out and want to come back, but the only justice in any of it would have to be that I don't take her back, and let her suffer til she moves on. They usually always try to come back until the dumpee has been screwed so many times they finally stop being so blind.
k100danny Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 I think i did suffer some level of abuse in my relationship although it is hard to admit as a man and maybe you think your girlfriend is just a bit jealous. I'm not sure if it was actual abuse. She says I was overly sensative but i had been called names, called pathetic and told i should man up because an anxiety disorder isnt a real illness like cancer. I was told I was the reason she didn't keep the baby when she got pregant and that she was having an abortion and it was MY fault. I was also made to feel guilty about a lot of things and controlled heavily. I felt uneasy a lot of the time. Now I have quite a good grasp of psychology and I udnerstand that abusers are usually scared and insecure, she was confident in some ways but then so insecure in other ways. we did have lots of good times and at times i felt like the most loved person in the world and was very happy. Other times i felt relieved when she left. I don't hate her for the way she acted as i have issues myself. How did I get out? She decided that it was too hard to maintain a relationship long distance when she left for the summer andd decided she wanted to travel more. this is when i pointed out i didnt think she was ever happy here and always had complaints and that if that is what makes her happy i am happy for her. I still miss the good times and companionship as it's very early days but in my head i know we wouldnt have been happy. I had put so much into the relationship i probably tried to make it work for too long that is why i felt it hard to leave myself.
Winning Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 Hi Copers, After recently coming out of a relationship with an emotional abuser I wonder what your experiences are during, and after the relationship with an emotional abuser. When did you notice you were being abused emotionally? How did you manage to get out of the relationship? How did you feel afterwards? What did you do to find yourself again? Thank you for your sharings..It will help me a lot 1. When I noticed: once during the relationship when he purposefully tried to make me jealous or hurt my feelings. After the relationship ended, I remembered other instances that I'd actually forgotten. Makes me wonder what other red flags I missed because I was so caught up in an illusion. 2. He broke up with me. In the long run, I'm sure I'll see it as a good thing. Not right this moment though, I'm pretty much grieving the end. 3. Horrible, devastated, positive I'll never find someone as attractive and intelligent again, positive there are no eligible, attractive, intelligent men out there who are also kind. 4. I am working on it. Reading a lot of self-help and looking at various websites about getting over a breakup.
Author SerCay Posted June 17, 2012 Author Posted June 17, 2012 3. Horrible, devastated, positive I'll never find someone as attractive and intelligent again, positive there are no eligible, attractive, intelligent men out there who are also kind. 4. I am working on it. Reading a lot of self-help and looking at various websites about getting over a breakup. Yes.. I feel you on these 2.. It's weird how I believe I will never find anybody as attractive, intelligent as him. I sure hope I will prove myself wrong:sick: am still not there though. Actually stopped reading self help now. I got sick of the self pity lol.. Now I'm more of going out and just having fun and venting to friends about it.. 1
Sarjunt Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 Wow, this thread is almost embarrassing to me. EVERYTHING that's being said here is true in my situation, but I'm a guy. I had my fiancee' do this all to me. It made me question my sanity, like "I know I'm not wrong, but why do I keep being told I'm wrong????" I'm so confused... I'm about 3 weeks out of the break-up, and the thought of her makes me so sad... but sick at the same time... She ended up leaving me, and moved out, and left a huge void that I'm slowly trying to put back together... 1
Author SerCay Posted June 27, 2012 Author Posted June 27, 2012 Wow, this thread is almost embarrassing to me. EVERYTHING that's being said here is true in my situation, but I'm a guy. I had my fiancee' do this all to me. It made me question my sanity, like "I know I'm not wrong, but why do I keep being told I'm wrong????" I'm so confused... I'm about 3 weeks out of the break-up, and the thought of her makes me so sad... but sick at the same time... She ended up leaving me, and moved out, and left a huge void that I'm slowly trying to put back together... guy..girl..doesnt matter, an emotional abuser is an emotional abuser..welcome to the club Hope you feel better by now
Sarjunt Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 I wish I could say I feel better by now. I mean, seeing other people deal with it makes me feel not alone... But being 3 weeks out of 7 years together, I'm still trying to deal with everything. I'm angry, broken, cynical... and clearly question my mental state right now.
jdids247 Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 Sarjunt, I'm in the same boat pal. I also questioned if I was overly sensitive but when you're constantly being nagged, belittled, and having fits thrown at youself, you begin to wonder what you're doing wrong. Early in our 6 relationship (2-4 years) she had jealous fits all of the time when women would talk to me. I had an ex text me and she threw my phone across the room. I always had to reassure her. One night she found out about an intimate encounter that happened before our commitment to each other and she freaked...mind you she was absolutely no angel before we were together. The funny thing is, sometimes their behaviors can rub off onto you. I found myself emotionally abusing her too towards the end of our engagement. So I can relate that thinking you're overlly sensitive or if this is really happening. I think everyone is guilty of it in one way, shape or form.
CopingGal Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 He will continue to blame me, because regardless what I say to him. That is what abusers do. They abuse, and try to get you to think that it's your fault. Abusers always do that. They are very, VERY dysfunctional.
CopingGal Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 You nailed it; and you know that this is not appropriate behavior. I was also 'crazy', 'insane' and 'psycho', blamed for everything. He said I was 'shady', that's what he was talking to other women. When I left my ex because I was alone in the relationship, was being ignorned, and being treated badly, my ex blamed me. He said I wasn't alone, that I just interpreted that way. He tried to make me think I was being too clingy. He really tried to blame me. It wasn't until later that he confessed to pushing me away because he was cheating on me, and then tried to FORCE me to be okay with that.
CopingGal Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 (edited) Sorry foolishlover, I did not see the post where you directed this questions specifically to me. Here are the answers. How did you leave? What was it that made you decide enough was enough? I had waited three years off and on for my ex to get his life together. There were all sorts of reason he gave to having limited time with me...especially the hours his job had. When he got a different job with limited hours, he spent even less time with me and began ignoring me. I was very upset about this and struggled very much. I decided to put the same amount of effort into the relationship that he was putting in. When I did that, there was nothing. In couple's therapy, I realize that my self-esteem had gone down to the floor. I left him two weeks later. The only reason why I broke up with him in a text was because he had started ignoring my phone calls. I was so happy when he had gotten his new job because then he finally had time for me. But it was just the opposite, as I said he made even less time for me. I found out at a later date that he had chosen to use his free time to look for other women and cheat on me. Did you also have thoughts that maybe it could of been the wrong decision and that he may have been the one for you? The first few break ups earlier in the relationship...yes. But this last time- no. Over the last 6 months before I left him, it was apparent to me that he was a big-time liar. The most recent break up- no freaking way. He just put me through so much. After I left him and he confessed to cheating, he had no remorse and tried to force this woman on me with writing me a 15 page letter that included most stuff about her, telling me about her, texting me about her, while all the while claiming he loved me and loving me up until the moment I left him. He wouldn't let me heal and tried to force me to be a buddy in which he could talk about his woman with. Also, did he ever come back and try to reconcile? For past break up he did and we got back together several times. I wish I had not. It took me 3 years to figure out the entire relationship was a lie and that he had lied to be about everything under the sun. This time, I did not want to reconcile. I told him that if he kept contacting me I would call the police. He was done with me. He used me up. He only wanted me as a friend to talk about the relationship with his woman with and use me as backup in case it didn't work out. The couple's therapist said he had sociopathic tendencies and traits of narcissitic personality disorder. Hope I answered your questions. If not, let me know. Edited July 1, 2012 by CopingGal
CopingGal Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 you mentioned nightmares...Some days I have terrible guilt and regret--what did I see in this fool??? What was wrong with me?? I beat myself up for falling for such a pathetic man. I hope and pray your nightmares subside. You have been through too much and it's high time you felt peace and contentment. I don't have actual nightmares dear. The word nightmare describes my experience, but thanks. Thanks so much for your words. Overall I feel much better.
Recommended Posts