Share your experiences with emotional abusers

[SerCay]

Hi Copers,

 

After recently coming out of a relationship with an emotional abuser I wonder what your experiences are during, and after the relationship with an emotional abuser.

 

When did you notice you were being abused emotionally?

 

How did you manage to get out of the relationship?

 

How did you feel afterwards?

 

What did you do to find yourself again?

 

Thank you for your sharings..It will help me a lot

[BewitchedandBothered]

Hi; you can look up my early posts; I think I started posting in the Abuse forum. I noticed his odd behavior when we were talking as friends; in retrospect, he was a gossip who said hurtful things about others---only women, and made himself coming out smelling like a rose. Something happened between us and feelings developed...in about 4 months time of us being 'us', the abuse started. If I questioned his behavior, he blocked me immediately and wouldn't take my phone calls. wish I had paid attention to these red flags. He got worse and worse as the months passed and would call me by his ex wife's name--he wasn't truly over her.

 

How did I get out? He dumped me, blocked me and talked trash about me to everyone he could, and had people block me because I am 'evil and sinister'. He was trolling 5 different dating sites while still with me as well.

 

How did I feel afterwards? worthless, belittled, betrayed....He would put me on a pedestal and devalue me just like that. I was in too deep and I started actually believing I wasn't good enough for him.

 

What did I do to find myself again? Took all the time in the world to just heal; even if that meant lay around and feel sorry for myself, eat myself into oblivion, sleep and watch tv...one day I just snapped out of it and joined the gym and took baby steps. I talked to a dear friend who went through the very same thing and it helped immensely. We 'detoxed' each other, letting each other know that the guys were a couple of worthless losers.

 

My ex found a new g/f who makes a lot of money---something he was looking for since his divorce put a dent in his savings---he obsessed over replacing it. I am sure he is working on replacing that money with this newbie. It's been 4 months or so and I haven't heard anything about them parting---but he is still trolling the dating sites according to a well meaning friend. An ex g/f of his told me that he is even worse now then when she dated him over 20 years ago. I totally believe her; it feels good to be validated.

[SerCay]

Hi; you can look up my early posts; I think I started posting in the Abuse forum. I noticed his odd behavior when we were talking as friends; in retrospect, he was a gossip who said hurtful things about others---only women, and made himself coming out smelling like a rose. Something happened between us and feelings developed...in about 4 months time of us being 'us', the abuse started. If I questioned his behavior, he blocked me immediately and wouldn't take my phone calls. wish I had paid attention to these red flags. He got worse and worse as the months passed and would call me by his ex wife's name--he wasn't truly over her.

 

How did I get out? He dumped me, blocked me and talked trash about me to everyone he could, and had people block me because I am 'evil and sinister'. He was trolling 5 different dating sites while still with me as well.

 

How did I feel afterwards? worthless, belittled, betrayed....He would put me on a pedestal and devalue me just like that. I was in too deep and I started actually believing I wasn't good enough for him.

 

What did I do to find myself again? Took all the time in the world to just heal; even if that meant lay around and feel sorry for myself, eat myself into oblivion, sleep and watch tv...one day I just snapped out of it and joined the gym and took baby steps. I talked to a dear friend who went through the very same thing and it helped immensely. We 'detoxed' each other, letting each other know that the guys were a couple of worthless losers.

 

My ex found a new g/f who makes a lot of money---something he was looking for since his divorce put a dent in his savings---he obsessed over replacing it. I am sure he is working on replacing that money with this newbie. It's been 4 months or so and I haven't heard anything about them parting---but he is still trolling the dating sites according to a well meaning friend. An ex g/f of his told me that he is even worse now then when she dated him over 20 years ago. I totally believe her; it feels good to be validated.

 

Thanks so so much!

 

It's weird how I recognize things...they must be all a bit alike

When I first met my ex, he told me he broke up with his ex gf because she was so jealous of his female friends.. 2 years into our relationship i found out what her actual reason was.. His constant contact with flings who he had sex with, without telling them he has a gf.

 

He disregarded my feelings so much that at the end I started to think i was insane, jealous and psycho and guilty for everything that went wrong in our relationship (he often would tell me this too).

 

He even managed to blame me for his own cheating. According to him it was my behaviour that made him do it, ''he thought I was cheating too''. The moment i snapped out of this, I realized I was being abused all the time because how far can you go.. blaming your cheating on your gf?

 

I'm waiting for that day to come, that i snap out of it too..have been pretty much doing the same things you said > eating, sleeping, tv, all in the house.

 

And finally.. when he realised i wasn't going to bend to his rules..he left me like you say. Blocked me also and just turned stone cold..

 

It's like those men are always on the outlook for something better to come by..doesn't matter what woman they're with, they're always unhappy of some behaviour which is supposedly making them ''wonder off''

[CopingGal]

Hi Copers,

 

After recently coming out of a relationship with an emotional abuser I wonder what your experiences are during, and after the relationship with an emotional abuser.

 

When did you notice you were being abused emotionally?

 

How did you manage to get out of the relationship?

 

How did you feel afterwards?

 

What did you do to find yourself again?

 

Thank you for your sharings..It will help me a lot

 

You can read my threads about my experiences, but to summarize, I was in a relationship with a compulsive liar, a cheater, an insensitive fool, and a man who has no remorse for the bad things he does. He threw other women in my face, harassed me, and seemed to get off on the cruelty he inflicted on me.

 

Much of this was hidden from me, as he was such a liar. He was an actor. He was a pretender.

 

I left him because he ignored me and stopped calling me. I saw him for couple's therapy meetings and we went out afterwards, but that was it. He never returned text messages in which I told him I loved him. He stopped returning my calls on the same day.

 

I was alone in the relationship. After struggling with trying to understand him and what was going on, I left. After I left, I found out about many of the things he did to me behind my back. He came up with lies and excuses. He used his mildly autistic son in lies so that he could cheat on me. He had made up lies about not being able to see me because he had no money or had to work. He lied about many, many, many things. He threw other women in my face and harassed me. I found out from the couple's therapist that he had sociopathic tendencies and had traits of narcissitic personality disorder. She said she did not believe a word he said in therapy.,

 

After threatening to call the police 4 different times, he finally left me alone, but put on his facebook page that he wouldn't change a thing.

 

I read self-help books. I'm reading another one now. That really, really helped. Going NC really, really helped. Ending my facebook account helped as well. Throwing out his pictures and throwing away or giving away every single thing he ever gave me helped.

 

I still suffer emotionally because of everything he did, but I feel so great that I left him. I'm proud of myself. I left him, and never asked him to be my boyfriend again, even before I found out about many of the lies he told. Once I found out who he really was, I never, ever wanted to date him ever again.

 

He thought my suffering was no big deal and he just brushed it off. He did not apologize for anything. He has no remorse for making me so upset that I became physically sick. He said cheating on me was worth it.

 

He tried to make me think that the things he did to me were my fault, or at other times, fate's fault. He had a hidden facebook page in which he lied to me about it over and over again. He kept me hidden from his friends, from family, and from his facebook page. He lied about everything from mice to why he did not want to get married. He lied so much and I don't know if he even understands the concept of truth. I was with him off and on for three years, as I was not aware of the lies and manipulation. I was not aware that I was his victim. But I am his victim no more. I have absolutely NO contact with him whatsoever. NONE! NONE! NONE!

 

Last I heard of him, he was a very, very sick man and in and out of the hospital. I don't even know how long he's going to live. All I know is that I feel that he has gotten what he deserves and he still deserves for more to happen.

Edited June 11, 2012 by CopingGal

[SerCay]

Thanks copinggal..You must've been gone through hell then..

Mine was milder I can say, he was autistic himself, but the high functioning type also with sociopathic tendencies.

 

How do I know? Because I was breaking my head during our r-ship about why this man could NEVER EVER talk or communicate an issue through and always disregard my feeling, so i started doing research to his behaviours. I found out then. He promised me to go get diagnosed, but then afterwards said ''I don't feel like it, I see i have it, then why bother getting therapy''.

 

I ordered a couple of selfhelp books now too.. Even though it has been tempting, I don't want to date anybody atm, only myself to recover and find myself again!

[ladyabstrused]

Hi Copers,

 

After recently coming out of a relationship with an emotional abuser I wonder what your experiences are during, and after the relationship with an emotional abuser.

 

When did you notice you were being abused emotionally?

 

How did you manage to get out of the relationship?

 

How did you feel afterwards?

 

What did you do to find yourself again?

 

Thank you for your sharings..It will help me a lot

 

I recently got out of a relationship which lasted almost 5 years. I never noticed of any abuse, but I think there may have been some? Some people tell there were times in my relationship I was emotionally, verbally abused. There were other abuse that came into action but I shall not mention them. Honestly, I'm still trying to come to terms with all that and identifying them. And you know what? He actually told me I was a sociopath. Being the stupid dumb me, I honestly thought I was.

 

Ended the relationship after I joined LS, getting support from various members here. It was a tough decision on my end, but somehow some knew I was tired and exhausted of the relationship and probably wanted out more than wanting to fix it. Then I tried NC.. broke it several times, and then continued.. and had different fluctuating responses from my ex during this time.

 

I was feeling like I was progressing until I saw my ex's recent last e-mail to me. It was heartbreaking to read. So now I feel like crap again..doubting myself again.

 

Good question there, what did I do to find myself again? I didn't yet. Lost myself for about 4 years and it's really not easy to find myself again. I'm still on it. All I know is that, I'd never be able to go back to how I was before I met him. That's for sure. :\

 

Since you asked us, how about yourself?

[SerCay]

I was feeling like I was progressing until I saw my ex's recent last e-mail to me. It was heartbreaking to read. So now I feel like crap again..doubting myself again.

 

Good question there, what did I do to find myself again? I didn't yet. Lost myself for about 4 years and it's really not easy to find myself again. I'm still on it. All I know is that, I'd never be able to go back to how I was before I met him. That's for sure. :\

 

Since you asked us, how about yourself?

 

Hi Lady Abstrused, thank you for sharing..I can literally feel what you're saying.

 

From my own experience by now I can tell you, the progressing AND processing won't really happen until you manage to have full NC. TBH I haven't managed myself and the longest NC so far was a week. This time I made the decision to stick with it. Because there's no reason for contact.

 

After all said and done he still is talking about ME needing to change and ME destroying everything :S. Abusers are either blind to their own behaviours or they pretend to be to always remain coming out as winning. (It's all a game to my ex)

 

Since you asked,let me answer the questions as well.

 

When did I notice?

About 1 year into the relationship. Whenever we would have a minor disagreement he would dump me saying: ''this is not what I'm looking for, let's stop just this thing between us''. He would never ever ever respond to my discomforts in a comforting way, he would always just get angry and say the above mentioned. So 1 year into it, I noticed that I was being quite about things that bothered me. Unconsciously, I had started to walk on eggshells just to stay happy with him and to please him!

 

How did I manage to get out?

The moment I realized I had been sushing myself for the relationships sake I started to tell me whem something was bothering me. What happened? We started to fight more and nope..he still never ever responded to the things that bothered me in an answering way.

 

The signature move that eventually made me crazy was this: ''honey, can we talk about this that, it bothers me how you stay in contact with girls you have had sex with in the past, when they're not real friends of yours. I have a problem with you talking to them just to get attention..his reaction: ''Yeah! I hate you hanging out with your ''best male friend'' how many times do i have to tell you he is expecting more from you? omg, this has been bothering me for so long!'' (angry of course).

 

See what I mean? always and always and alllways shifting the convo towards ME. that's what i meant with never responding to anything. Eventually tis drove me nuts.

 

I got out by canceling a vacation we had booked for this month. and TBH we still have contact from time to time, but more and more I'm starting to see how disgusting he is, and i hope this time the NC will stick. Funny thing is, he's all acting as if he broke it off with me, because I supposedly was ''jealous and psycho''. I don't even bother any more to go against him.

 

How did i feel afterwards?

Sad. Lonely. Helpless. I've learned that i will never ever do the cliche thing again of making my boyfriend my priority in life. Only when I'm married i decided. All my friends kind of abandoned me, for hearing the same story of ''on off on off'' all the time. They're like, oooh you guys will be back together in 2 months from now. Let's do something fun! While I'm blaming myself for letting it get this far!

 

How did i find myself back again?

I didn't. I'm where you are also. I am feeling better than the first couple of weeks though tbh. Actually with the strength you guys on LS give me, I'm starting to pull through more and more. Today I want to start exercizing and I have ordered some self help books. Also, reading about emotional abuse really relieved my. I truly thought I was a luney! It's what he made me believe.

 

Wow a bit long I realise..sorryyy

[ladyabstrused]

After all said and done he still is talking about ME needing to change and ME destroying everything :S. Abusers are either blind to their own behaviours or they pretend to be to always remain coming out as winning. (It's all a game to my ex)

 

You know, that's exactly what my ex does as well. Somehow I feel like there's still a part of me who still can be controlled over what he says though I know I shouldn't care... but why do I? Is the question.

 

Unconsciously, I had started to walk on eggshells just to stay happy with him and to please him!

 

Yup, same here for me too. So I can understand how that's like. I'm sorry though that you had to go through that yourself. :\

 

The signature move that eventually made me crazy was this: ''honey, can we talk about this that, it bothers me how you stay in contact with girls you have had sex with in the past, when they're not real friends of yours. I have a problem with you talking to them just to get attention..his reaction: ''Yeah! I hate you hanging out with your ''best male friend'' how many times do i have to tell you he is expecting more from you? omg, this has been bothering me for so long!'' (angry of course).

 

Of course he would shift the blame back at you. Of course. It's all our fault.

 

I got out by canceling a vacation we had booked for this month. and TBH we still have contact from time to time, but more and more I'm starting to see how disgusting he is, and i hope this time the NC will stick. Funny thing is, he's all acting as if he broke it off with me, because I supposedly was ''jealous and psycho''. I don't even bother any more to go against him.

 

There's comes a point where you just can't be bothered anymore. I was there, but what happened? why am I still bothered after I reached to that point?

 

I hope your NC with him will stick too. Seems like he will only continue to blame you and won't admit his mistakes or wrongs.

 

I've learned that i will never ever do the cliche thing again of making my boyfriend my priority in life. Only when I'm married i decided. All my friends kind of abandoned me, for hearing the same story of ''on off on off'' all the time. They're like, oooh you guys will be back together in 2 months from now. Let's do something fun! While I'm blaming myself for letting it get this far!

 

Oh I know what you mean, yeah. I go through that too. I'm glad though at least you didn't go way too far along. 1 year you said? Good thing it didn't go much longer and you still don't realise it, like me.

 

How did i find myself back again?

I didn't. I'm where you are also. I am feeling better than the first couple of weeks though tbh. Actually with the strength you guys on LS give me, I'm starting to pull through more and more. Today I want to start exercizing and I have ordered some self help books. Also, reading about emotional abuse really relieved my. I truly thought I was a luney! It's what he made me believe.

 

I'm glad you're picking back up and moving on now. I thought I was a looney myself which was what he made me believe too. Lol.. it's crazy now that I think back the things I actually put up with. Yet I still feel bad now.. goes to show really how deep he got to me. Sighs..

[CopingGal]

Thanks copinggal..You must've been gone through hell then..

Mine was milder I can say, he was autistic himself, but the high functioning type also with sociopathic tendencies.

 

How do I know? Because I was breaking my head during our r-ship about why this man could NEVER EVER talk or communicate an issue through and always disregard my feeling, so i started doing research to his behaviours. I found out then. He promised me to go get diagnosed, but then afterwards said ''I don't feel like it, I see i have it, then why bother getting therapy''.

 

I ordered a couple of selfhelp books now too.. Even though it has been tempting, I don't want to date anybody atm, only myself to recover and find myself again!

 

 

Good for you. Self-help books and staying out of relationships for now will help. Yes, I went through Hell. As I said, that was just a summary. He did much more to me. It was a friggin' nightmare but it's over now...as long as I continue to practice NC, stay off of facebook, and continue to work on me it stays over.

[SerCay]

You know, that's exactly what my ex does as well. Somehow I feel like there's still a part of me who still can be controlled over what he says though I know I shouldn't care... but why do I? Is the question.

 

There's comes a point where you just can't be bothered anymore. I was there, but what happened? why am I still bothered after I reached to that point?

 

I hope your NC with him will stick too. Seems like he will only continue to blame you and won't admit his mistakes or wrongs.

 

Oh I know what you mean, yeah. I go through that too. I'm glad though at least you didn't go way too far along. 1 year you said? Good thing it didn't go much longer and you still don't realise it, like me.

 

I'm glad you're picking back up and moving on now. I thought I was a looney myself which was what he made me believe too. Lol.. it's crazy now that I think back the things I actually put up with. Yet I still feel bad now.. goes to show really how deep he got to me. Sighs..

 

I know exactly what you mean by ''he can control you'', I have the same. It's like I will never be really really disgusted of HIM because of his lov efor himself :S. It's like you can't hate him because he loves himself so much and shows no vulnerability at all. It's weird to explain, but I know exactly what you mean.

 

I too am still bothered and hurting, why?, if only I knew.. I guess because I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that he basically sabotaged a relationship with 2 perfectly compatible people. He truly did. And one comes to wonder HOW can you do that instead of just putting an effort to make it work!

 

He will continue to blame me, because regardless what I say to him, he keeps forgetting my words and believing in his own. We were together for 2 years, but I've known him for 4. It's also tough on me, and I think you have the same, because this person has been in my life for so long andyou get used to him.

 

Weird thing is I've never been like this in previous relationships.. I was always the one that could easily move on. I guess the fact that he keeps getting in touch with me and has been for the last 4 years every time we were ''off'' makes it hard to believe this time it's REALLY :S over..know what I mean? It's pathetic but it's like you're addicted to the knowledge that he will contact you again..and you wait for it. OMG I'm truly a looney. Hope i get out of this state SOON.

[BewitchedandBothered]

Thanks so so much!

 

It's weird how I recognize things...they must be all a bit alike

When I first met my ex, he told me he broke up with his ex gf because she was so jealous of his female friends.. 2 years into our relationship i found out what her actual reason was.. His constant contact with flings who he had sex with, without telling them he has a gf.

 

He disregarded my feelings so much that at the end I started to think i was insane, jealous and psycho and guilty for everything that went wrong in our relationship (he often would tell me this too).

 

He even managed to blame me for his own cheating. According to him it was my behaviour that made him do it, ''he thought I was cheating too''. The moment i snapped out of this, I realized I was being abused all the time because how far can you go.. blaming your cheating on your gf?

 

I'm waiting for that day to come, that i snap out of it too..have been pretty much doing the same things you said > eating, sleeping, tv, all in the house.

 

And finally.. when he realised i wasn't going to bend to his rules..he left me like you say. Blocked me also and just turned stone cold..

 

It's like those men are always on the outlook for something better to come by..doesn't matter what woman they're with, they're always unhappy of some behaviour which is supposedly making them ''wonder off''

You nailed it; and you know that this is not appropriate behavior. I was also 'crazy', 'insane' and 'psycho', blamed for everything. He said I was 'shady', that's what he was talking to other women.

 

I can't help but wonder sometimes if he will be that way with this new one. Still too soon to tell, I guess. but don't you worry---you will get to a point where you are tired of laying around and feeling yucky. You can start out small by taking nature walks---I adopted a dog from a shelter:), or just visit animals at a shelter can make you feel good inside. If you can get into gardening, do that. Do something that's just for you. You will start to feel better as the days go on.

 

You will also realize that this man has no value in your life. My hatred and anger turned to pity for this man. It was a relief. I can promise that if you allow time to work its magic, you will feel better, much better:)

[BewitchedandBothered]

Good for you. Self-help books and staying out of relationships for now will help. Yes, I went through Hell. As I said, that was just a summary. He did much more to me. It was a friggin' nightmare but it's over now...as long as I continue to practice NC, stay off of facebook, and continue to work on me it stays over.

 

you mentioned nightmares...Some days I have terrible guilt and regret--what did I see in this fool??? What was wrong with me?? I beat myself up for falling for such a pathetic man. I hope and pray your nightmares subside. You have been through too much and it's high time you felt peace and contentment.

[SerCay]

You nailed it; and you know that this is not appropriate behavior. I was also 'crazy', 'insane' and 'psycho', blamed for everything. He said I was 'shady', that's what he was talking to other women.

 

I can't help but wonder sometimes if he will be that way with this new one. Still too soon to tell, I guess. but don't you worry---you will get to a point where you are tired of laying around and feeling yucky. You can start out small by taking nature walks---I adopted a dog from a shelter:), or just visit animals at a shelter can make you feel good inside. If you can get into gardening, do that. Do something that's just for you. You will start to feel better as the days go on.

 

You will also realize that this man has no value in your life. My hatred and anger turned to pity for this man. It was a relief. I can promise that if you allow time to work its magic, you will feel better, much better:)

 

I hope hope hope I will get there soon!!

It's not really helping that I don't really have a friend group or anything to help me through, and my friends are really busy with their own lives that I don't want to call on them all the time..

 

Yeah..this too shall pass, I hope I'll be where you are soon

[foolishlover]

I thought I'd throw in my 2 cents.

 

First off I always wonder if I am a victim of emotional abuse. It is hard to be 100% certain as I would always tell myself that maybe im being a bit too sensitive or that this is the norm and I just need to get over it.

 

When did you notice you were being abused emotionally?

My relationship became on and off for about 8 whole months. It was so draining. THere was one time when we 'broke up' that I was just doing some googling to get over the heartbreak and found a site which listed the symptoms of an abusive relationship. i found a lot of the things he did were very similar to that of an 'emotional abuser'

 

I was always wrong. No matter what I did it was wrong. It wasnt like that at the start but as the relationship went on, it felt more like a dictatorship. Even to a point where he would do something so blatantly wrong and disrespectful, I would find myself groveling for his forgiveness. I did that cause I didnt want to fight anymore and I hated the silent treatment.

 

The silent treatment - he would give that to me everytime we had an argument. I told him that it killed me inside and he said that he doesnt like confrontation and likes to cool off first. Fair enough. But he then admitted later down the track that he used it to punish me cause he knew i would break and initiate contact.

 

The silent treatment was so hurtful and painful that I would walk on eggshells and do everything in my power to avoid an argument. But even still, the littlest things could set him off.

 

 

 

How did you manage to get out of the relationship?

 

There was one time when he did something so mean and said something so hurtful to me, that I said it was the last straw. I couldnt do it. I said i need to leave cause i cant let him constantly yell at me and put me down. It wasnt easy and he couldnt care less as we've been on and off for so long, he took it as another empty threat. I was in tears, he just sipped his red wine and watched me cry while i walked out. Emotionless.

 

 

How did you feel afterwards?

 

I constantly questioned myself. Did i do the right thing? Maybe it wasnt as bad as i thought. Maybe im just being a princess. It was hard cause I loved him and i still do love him. A month into NC he messaged me and basically said that i shouldnt be too upset. This wasnt the outcome he wanted and that I chose this path and that I chose to end the relationship. So he managed to palm ALL the blame on me.

 

I do agree to an extent that it was me that ended the relationship. But what more could I do? I have given all that i can to this man. My heart and soul. And it still wasnt enough and he treaded on it and treated me like dirt. Sometimes the right thing to do is to leave someone despite loving them dearly.

 

 

What did you do to find yourself again?

 

I havent found myself as its only been a month and a half out of a 2.5yr relationship. I think about him daily and i go through phases of ups and downs. I sometimes wonder if i would regret it as the pain of a breakup is so much worse than the pain of emotional abuse.

 

I havent been able to emit a true smile from my heart and despite everyone thinking that I am doing ok, i am actually not. I am quite broken and just dont know where to go from here. I dont want all that negativity, but i find myself thinking of him. How insane is that?

[CopingGal]

Foolishlover, this man sounds like a controlling, manipulative bombaclot. It's so good you got out of this relationship. When enough time passes, you will be able to see this relationship for what it really was.

[foolishlover]

Thanks Copingal.

 

It is so difficult though (as I am sure we will all understand).

 

Sometimes i think of how he was everything and more when I first met him. And it makes me wonder if it was me that turned him into who he is now.

 

I also sometimes think if I am being a bit harsh or unfair. i mean, I am not 100% percent perfect and he accepted my faults, maybe I should accept his?

 

I guess it just boiled down to the fact that he became more or less an addiction. I remember when we got back together one time, I was secretly hoping I would catch him out lying or doing something bad so that I would have a solid excuse to leave the relationship. Not a healthy mindset.

 

I am in a stage where I have lost myself. I just dont feel happy and nothing will give me those highs again. There are days where I just feel like I am going into a darker and darker place and i just feel so utterly sad and depressed. But i am hoping in time, this will all get better...

 

BTW i did a lot of googling and I also thought he had narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). But like I said from the start, i just dont know if it was emotional abuse or not, or if he had NPD or not. It could have been all in my head and that in the end, i was ust a princess who was a bit too sensitive. i just dont know (thats what makes it so hard!!! It plays games with your head)

[Coffee20]

When did you notice you were being abused emotionally?

 

I am not sure whether he abused me emotionally, but people told me that he just used me to gain some confidence because he has a lot of problems by himself though he would never agree on this.

 

I realized something is "wrong" at the beginning like after one month, we were a couple, but he kept things hidden from me, lied to me sometimes, talked a lot about his ex and his girl - friends. (one girl told me that he tried to chase her, while he was with me and I do believe her cause he talked a lot about her that she was pretty...)

 

He really told me not very kind things after 4 months (he told me I was not pretty enough, like girls he wanted to have, then told me how boring were my hobbies etc etc.), I felt really bad and cried a lot after this and he told me I was insane and I should have changed myself.

I really believed that I was insane and tried to change.

Then he kept hidden me from his friends, then family, told me another bad things, started to tell me vulgar things in front of my classmates.

He didn't want to have sex with me. I tried as much as possible in this, finally he told me I didn't deserve it, then in front of my classmates changed his mind and told me I was not passionate enough. I always tired to change.

 

How did you manage to get out of the relationship?

 

Slowly....it was killing me inside. I tried to change my looks and clothing, just to look like his idols and wanted to make him feel excited. Tried to change my hobbies, just to look more attractive for him, tried to invite him anywhere as much as possible, tried to find some activities just to have fun with him. Of course it got worse.

I just let him to manage all my free time - it had to be me who had to adapt to his free time - one day he told me he was free so we could be together, after five minutes he called it off. When something was wrong, he ignored me, so I had to come to him and apologize (sometimes I didn't even know why). He told me I should be so happy to have at least him, because with my behaviour, I will hardly find someone new, then told me he knew I wasn't attractive to other men because I have small breast - and it's only good for him, because he doesn't have to be jealous. He made me feel completely guilty, I felt anxious and had stomachache, in the end I felt suicidal, because I was lost and didn't know what to do.

After one fight (fight on facebook), I just really though I would jump out of the window, I couldn't take anymore, I told him, if he really didn't want to talk face to face, it would be over. He told me he didn't want to talk. I said ok, then asked when he would want to talk to me. He answered I didn't know...So I came to his place and returned him those 3 things he gave me and told him goodbye. He didn't even answer.

 

How did you feel afterwards?

 

Bad and I still feel, but it's better sometimes. I feel lost, I can't recognize myself anymore. I broke NC once and when we talked he blamed everything one me and told me he was happy without me and that I was so bad and he was so nice guy.

 

What did you do to find yourself again?

 

I haven't found myself yet. But I will go to the doctor for some medication. Then after this school stuff I will start to do music again and join some sport courses.

[nanbullen]

Hi Copers,

 

After recently coming out of a relationship with an emotional abuser I wonder what your experiences are during, and after the relationship with an emotional abuser.

 

When did you notice you were being abused emotionally?

 

How did you manage to get out of the relationship?

 

How did you feel afterwards?

 

What did you do to find yourself again?

 

Thank you for your sharings..It will help me a lot

 

I noticed when my ex would go days before he would answer my texts or calls, if he answered at all. When he did answer, he would manipulate me and turn everything around and make it my fault. On more then one occasion, i apologized to HIM for calling him too much. Yes he would ignore me for days and then tell me i was insecure about his love. Gee, i wonder why?

 

I "managed" to get out when he told he was seeing someone else and stopped talking to me.lol

 

Afterwards i felt like it was the end of the world, i thought i lost the love of my life, i was inconsolable, I couldn't believe he could hurt me so much, I could barely make it through the day.

 

I didn't begin to find myself until after i forced myself to sever all contact with him. I would say when I was in a position where i had no idea what he was doing and who he was with....i could finally focus on myself because i couldn't obsess over him and his life anymore. It's funny that a few months ago i was trying anything and everything to get his attention. nothing worked, it just pushed him away. When I finally gave up and blocked him on facebook, it took less than a day for him to start texting me, basically saying that he never broke up with me, he never had sex with this woman, and i "let my imagination run wild". Most of the time i ignore him. Now he's in the same position i was in, lol. karma really is a boomerang.

 

But to find myself, i reconnected with old friends, made new friends, made plans to keep myself busy at all times. And take it one day at a time, as much as i hurt i knew I wouldn't actually die from the pain (although at times i wished i would), I just had to hang in there.

[SerCay]

I thought I'd throw in my 2 cents.

 

First off I always wonder if I am a victim of emotional abuse. It is hard to be 100% certain as I would always tell myself that maybe im being a bit too sensitive or that this is the norm and I just need to get over it.

 

When did you notice you were being abused emotionally?

My relationship became on and off for about 8 whole months. It was so draining. THere was one time when we 'broke up' that I was just doing some googling to get over the heartbreak and found a site which listed the symptoms of an abusive relationship. i found a lot of the things he did were very similar to that of an 'emotional abuser'

 

I was always wrong. No matter what I did it was wrong. It wasnt like that at the start but as the relationship went on, it felt more like a dictatorship. Even to a point where he would do something so blatantly wrong and disrespectful, I would find myself groveling for his forgiveness. I did that cause I didnt want to fight anymore and I hated the silent treatment.

 

The silent treatment - he would give that to me everytime we had an argument. I told him that it killed me inside and he said that he doesnt like confrontation and likes to cool off first. Fair enough. But he then admitted later down the track that he used it to punish me cause he knew i would break and initiate contact.

 

The silent treatment was so hurtful and painful that I would walk on eggshells and do everything in my power to avoid an argument. But even still, the littlest things could set him off.

 

 

 

How did you manage to get out of the relationship?

 

There was one time when he did something so mean and said something so hurtful to me, that I said it was the last straw. I couldnt do it. I said i need to leave cause i cant let him constantly yell at me and put me down. It wasnt easy and he couldnt care less as we've been on and off for so long, he took it as another empty threat. I was in tears, he just sipped his red wine and watched me cry while i walked out. Emotionless.

 

 

How did you feel afterwards?

 

I constantly questioned myself. Did i do the right thing? Maybe it wasnt as bad as i thought. Maybe im just being a princess. It was hard cause I loved him and i still do love him. A month into NC he messaged me and basically said that i shouldnt be too upset. This wasnt the outcome he wanted and that I chose this path and that I chose to end the relationship. So he managed to palm ALL the blame on me.

 

I do agree to an extent that it was me that ended the relationship. But what more could I do? I have given all that i can to this man. My heart and soul. And it still wasnt enough and he treaded on it and treated me like dirt. Sometimes the right thing to do is to leave someone despite loving them dearly.

 

 

What did you do to find yourself again?

 

I havent found myself as its only been a month and a half out of a 2.5yr relationship. I think about him daily and i go through phases of ups and downs. I sometimes wonder if i would regret it as the pain of a breakup is so much worse than the pain of emotional abuse.

 

I havent been able to emit a true smile from my heart and despite everyone thinking that I am doing ok, i am actually not. I am quite broken and just dont know where to go from here. I dont want all that negativity, but i find myself thinking of him. How insane is that?

 

Foolishlover, you spoke the words I didn't dare to speak here :S That I'm also thinking that it might be my fault a bit for being ''high maintenance''..All the other ladies have been through horrible horrible things and all I can tell you is that i left because of bad feelings and his constant constant blaming me and projecting everything on me. I sometimes feel like, if I had been different from the beginning, had I not allowed him to turn the tables, and INDEED LIKE YOU SAY had not apologized for things I didn't do just to be over with the fight, things might have been different. Somewhere in my head I know that's not true, he was being very very manipulating. On the other hand, like I said, i can't help but thinking like you do.

 

Is there a way we could talk privately about this matter? As I don't want to put pages of text and questions on this thread? I'm not sure if we're allowed to exchange private emails here but I'd really really like to hear your story and compare.

[foolishlover]

Foolishlover, you spoke the words I didn't dare to speak here :S That I'm also thinking that it might be my fault a bit for being ''high maintenance''..All the other ladies have been through horrible horrible things and all I can tell you is that i left because of bad feelings and his constant constant blaming me and projecting everything on me. I sometimes feel like, if I had been different from the beginning, had I not allowed him to turn the tables, and INDEED LIKE YOU SAY had not apologized for things I didn't do just to be over with the fight, things might have been different. Somewhere in my head I know that's not true, he was being very very manipulating. On the other hand, like I said, i can't help but thinking like you do.

 

Is there a way we could talk privately about this matter? As I don't want to put pages of text and questions on this thread? I'm not sure if we're allowed to exchange private emails here but I'd really really like to hear your story and compare.

 

Yes. Id love to chat with you too. i find the process quite healing when you speak with other people who have been through similar things.

 

Have no idea how though...there is no PM right?

[fucpcg]

Yes there is PM in here, but I think you need 50 posts to do it, so SerCay needs just a few more. Talking about what happened to you, not venting, is definitely the best way to get better. I told my story 100 times I'm sure, but not at random. I talked to counselors, victims of abuse, my closest of friends, AA meetings, etc. It's a very common theme to wonder what really happened, how much blame is yours (especially if you were accused of getting 100% of it wrong). My ex definitely had acted pretty horribly at times in our relationship, yet when she chose to dump me she did it with the back story of her having to get away from her crazy, psychotic, abusive boyfriend, who she was an angel to. After over a year of seeking the truth, several women I now know who went thru abuse, have madea pretty good argument that my ex is the one who is abusive. It will take time to put the pieces of the puzzle together, and will take a lot of help from others who have experience with this kind of thing. Just keep in mind, avoid those who want to dwell on what happened (venting), and talk with those that want to learn, understand, and move on from what happened. There's a huge difference.

[ladyabstrused]

Yes. Id love to chat with you too. i find the process quite healing when you speak with other people who have been through similar things.

 

Have no idea how though...there is no PM right?

 

Yeah, 50 posts if I'm not mistaken either. And also you'll need to be a month old in LS to be an established member. Then you'll be able to PM.

[CopingGal]

 

But like I said from the start, i just dont know if it was emotional abuse or not, or if he had NPD or not. It could have been all in my head and that in the end, i was ust a princess who was a bit too sensitive. i just dont know (thats what makes it so hard!!! It plays games with your head)

 

That's the problem. Sometimes people don't know. I pondered and pondered about it. That's one reason why I stayed. I just wasn't sure if he was emotionally abusing me. Turns out of course, that he was. But as I always say, even if you just think you are being emotionally abused...get out because chances are you are being abused...and even if you are not, why stay if it feels like it? I told myself for YEARS I was being too sensitive. All those horrible thoughts about wondering the things he was doing behind my back. Turns out it was all true. He WAS doing terrible things behind my back. He pretended to appreciate me. He was an actor. And Lord help his future victims.

 

I knew getting out would be TOO painful and I didn't want to do it. But that pain didn't even compare to the pain I felt when I found out he cheated on me. For next time, I don't care if I leave prematurely. I don't care if he isn't actually abusing me. If he's lying to me, disrespecting me, and I feel abused, I'm getting out and never coming back.

[SerCay]

Yes there is PM in here, but I think you need 50 posts to do it, so SerCay needs just a few more. Talking about what happened to you, not venting, is definitely the best way to get better. I told my story 100 times I'm sure, but not at random. I talked to counselors, victims of abuse, my closest of friends, AA meetings, etc. It's a very common theme to wonder what really happened, how much blame is yours (especially if you were accused of getting 100% of it wrong). My ex definitely had acted pretty horribly at times in our relationship, yet when she chose to dump me she did it with the back story of her having to get away from her crazy, psychotic, abusive boyfriend, who she was an angel to. After over a year of seeking the truth, several women I now know who went thru abuse, have madea pretty good argument that my ex is the one who is abusive. It will take time to put the pieces of the puzzle together, and will take a lot of help from others who have experience with this kind of thing. Just keep in mind, avoid those who want to dwell on what happened (venting), and talk with those that want to learn, understand, and move on from what happened. There's a huge difference.

 

Thanks..That's exactly what I want to do.. do talk to people that have been through the same and maybe provide me with some views that I hadn't thought of before. The thing that I can't wrap my mind around is that I know I made mistakes.. but so did he. Why can I overcome his mistakes, but he can't overcome mine? Even thought he has been the one blaming me for everything all the time!

 

Maybe it's just our mistake that we're trying to figure out, and spending a lot of time doing this, trying to find out WHY they behaved like they did and WHY they don't feel ANY guilt themselves..instead of just accepting and moving on with our lives.

 

I guess rejection without real reason is just hard to accept for anyone..

 

Sometimes I get sick of myself thinking about it and spending my time being sad when he's doing his daily routine without any difference, going to the gym, playing soccer with friends, cooking, having fun!

 

I must be stupid :S

[fucpcg]

It's almost the same struggle I have. I know I got plenty wrong, but my ex, there was a time I called her the worst girl I had ever dated in my life. I chose to stick by her and try to make a relationship after a two month start where she was DREADFUL! I had no reason to stick things out, we had no good history to fight for, she just seemed like a girl who needed someone to support her for once in her life. I was that man. Then I hit my own rough patch, I know I screwed up, made mistakes, but we had a year of wonderful, amazing history between us, so much to talk about, so much to fight for... but she snapped, crucified me by email, told me she'd never talk to me again I didn't deserve it, she was nothing but nice to me and I threw it away, blah blah blah.... and 15 months later, she still won't talk. To me, that is. She has told her friends, her friend's friends, acquaintances, everyine and anyone she left me because I was a crazy pshcho boyfriend that abused her, and that she had to get a PFA from (not even remotely true, I never did anything that gave her any possibility of filing). Let's just say it was the Chernobyl of meltdowns. Oh, and her friends are all nasty to me, and even so I asked my friends to be nice to my ex... so they would see her out and be nice, so then she'd go talk to them about how I abused her. What a cluster F...

 

Where did that leave me? Lost, confused, self doubting, a wreck... like a hampster in a wheel playing the ending over, and over, and... But like I said, I sought the truth. If I was abusive, I wanted to check myself into clinic for abusive men. If it was her, I wanted second, third, even fourth verifications, so I could say okay it wasn't me, and not because I heard that once and wanted it to be true, but because MANY agreed. And I didn't seek out those that would listen, I sought those that I know would be honest with me, who could tell me like it really was, even if a good friend of mine. I sought out women who had an abusive past, but one they moved on from and started new healthy lives, ones I knew were strong, yet honest cause they had that sufferage in their life once. After speaking with about four women from abusive paths extensively, along with friends, counselors, etc, I finally think I have the picture as clear as it could be, without my ex ever having opened up to talk and share.

 

I am finally turning the corner of this chapter of my life. Took about 15 months to make sense of a 12 month relationship, but I did get there. And even though it was horrible experience, I have learned a lot, about myself, about my true friends, about my new friends, etc. Not sure i'll ever fully shake what happened in my last relationship, but the truth is, now after much soul searching and answer seeking, I am a much wiser person, and a lot of good did come from the nastiness, contempt, disdain, hatred, that can be called the ending of my last relationship.

 

I don't think you will ever be able to shake the pain completely, at least I don't think I will, but you can look at it and say that event did make me a better, smarter person.