The Paradox of Bitterness

[Nomad]

A few months ago, I underwent a very painful rejection from a woman ("K") that I had a big crush on, and whom I spent months getting to know, and in whom I had invested a lot of hope and longing. I was heartbroken by the experience (not my first heartbreak, though it's been years since my last one), and I still struggle with the pain on a daily basis.

 

K and I work together, but in different departments, so we randomly bump into each other perhaps only once per week. In the past, though I've been devastated by certain rejections, I tried to take them in stride, and remain friendly with the girl, provided she at least tried to "let me down easy", and was respectful of my feelings.

 

However, this time, I've found myself consumed by resentment and bitterness towards K, and refuse to even talk to her when we see each other. Her rejection wasn't particularly harsh (though she perhaps did lead me on a bit), but at this point in my life (early 30s), I am, quite frankly, tired of being rejected my women, and this time even a mostly polite rejection has angered me. When we see each other, I can tell that K is somewhat confused by my reaction (though we haven't discussed it).

 

I feel that, given my history of rejection and heartache, I am justified in being angry towards women. However, this particular woman is only "guilty" of the same thing that (nearly) every other woman I've ever asked out has been: she rejected me. Indeed, any given woman can be held responsible only for her own rejection of me, and not for any other woman's. So, even if my frustration and bitterness towards women in general is warranted (which I'm sure some will disagree with), rejection towards any particular woman is unwarranted. And though I am rationally aware of this fact, my pain and my pride won't let me just emotionally accept that I'll never have K (no matter how badly I may want her), and to just move on and heal the rift.

[Philosoraptor]

Being rejected sucks, every time. But it's no reason to be angry with all women or even this woman in particular. A rejection is only someone being honest with you. It might not be the response you want but it's better than living a lie.

[Nomad]

I disagree: I think my anger (perhaps "resentment" would be a better term) towards women is justified. Moreover, I think most men in my position would be hard-pressed to not be at least a little bit bitter. I'm not looking to "live a lie": I'm just looking for love, which most other people seem to be able to find in their lives.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Rejection is a painful thing, whether it's in the dating world, amongst family, your peers, the work place, love.

 

There are many forms of feeling rejected and they can all be equally as painful, you look at these women and group them up because you feel like they have something against, telling you that you aren't good enough, making it personal. Well just think of it from their end...

 

Imagine some woman walks up to you, you're completely uninterested but don't have the heart to outright reject them, you give them a chance try to have a heart but find yourself not feeling the interest...so the best thing you is let them go so they can move and and find someone who feels mutually interested romantically. How many of these women do you think or cold, selfish woman who's main goal in life is to hurt men and reject them in cold blood?

 

These women didn't sit together at a board meeting and deem you unworthy, they've made the decisions on their own...so how do you associate these women? just because they did something in common?

 

So every car that drives down the freeway is a maniac because they all have driving down the freeway in common?

 

This has nothing to do with these women, this has everything to do with how you feel and look at yourself. You let it turn into a personal gash and tearing down of who you are....when none of these women even know you very well or at least everything that makes who you are as a person, they are purely judging from a romantic interest and If they don't have the romantic interest what would you have them do? force themselves to feel it? you ever tried feelinga certaing way about something because you wanted to make yourself? ironic isn't it? doesn't necessarily work that way.

 

You holding onto this bitterness and pain is you holding yourself exactly where you want it to be, you use these resentments as proof and justification to scorn women because if you didn't you might have to accept that this is you doing this to yourself, you can't blame yourself so you blame others...you can't take responsibility, instead you just scoff at those women who deny you and see you as devaluing who you are...when nobody can take away anything from you If you don't let them...you shouldn't let them.

 

If you want to move on and succeed with women you've got open the door and let yourself out of that deep dark closet of sorrow, self pity, and resentment towards women as a whole. You'll never make any progressthat way.

 

You've got to pick yourself up and try, and improve, and learn, and try again and again, then learn, you keep moving forward....you take the pain, feel the pain but don't let it turn you into anger and resentment, you talk to yourself and remind yourself it is not personal because it really isnt, beacuse any justification you make is beacuse its one you want to believe...its bull**** and you know deep down it isnt true. You want to win? then you keep fighting, imagine the man you will be when you come out the other side of it, imagine how it will feel to have that woman you always wanted...because with billions of people on this planet you just need one, and think you can accomplish that.

 

I sympathize with your pain and how it makes you feel, but wallow in that and you will never change or improve, accept the emotions you feel as your responsibility,but don't pin that on some random woman walking down the street and automatically pin that to her...take responsbility for your emotions, you have a right to feel them but not the right to make others pay for what someone else has done to you, that will just create this self fulfling prophecy and you'll a good thing beacuse you'll make sure it happens so you could say you were right, or just give up altogether and resent them.

[Philosoraptor]

I disagree: I think my anger (perhaps "resentment" would be a better term) towards women is justified. Moreover, I think most men in my position would be hard-pressed to not be at least a little bit bitter. I'm not looking to "live a lie": I'm just looking for love, which most other people seem to be able to find in their lives.

That resentment is going to keep you from finding a good match. Holding onto that bitterness will do nothing but push women who may have been interested away from you.

[somedude81]

I know all about bitterness and resentment. I am still very angry at the last girl I liked and haven't had any contact with her in six months. Odds are if I saw her again, we'd just ignore each other, but a part of me wants to get in her face to yell and scream at her.

 

I also know what its like to have anger to women in general just because they are women. I've been turned down by enough girls to pretty much know what girls are going to turn me down before I even ask. So now I find myself getting mad at a girl because I "know" she'd reject me.

That resentment is going to keep you from finding a good match. Holding onto that bitterness will do nothing but push women who may have been interested away from you.

And these other women know he is bitter how?

 

Lets just assume that he knows better then to not talk about this girl or express his anger in public.

[Philosoraptor]

And these other women know he is bitter how?

 

Lets just assume that he knows better then to not talk about this girl or express his anger in public.

If you hold onto bitterness and resentment it will show. Anyone with a bit of intuition can see it the same as you see a rainbow in the sky. It stands out and often causes many to go into avoidance mode.

[somedude81]

If you hold onto bitterness and resentment it will show. Anyone with a bit of intuition can see it the same as you see a rainbow in the sky. It stands out and often causes many to go into avoidance mode.

Yawn.

 

Good try though.

[WonderKid]

I'm bitter because women seem to like to take kindness and being a gentleman as a joke. So I'll take them as a joke. Relationships are overrated. Disappointment and expectations are always high. But then again I'm quite young so it may be different.

[Philosoraptor]

Yawn.

 

Good try though.

How's the dating life? All goes well I hope. I'd assume your bitterness and lack of self confidence, which leads to more bitterness, has the ladies knocking each other over to be with you.

 

 

Everyone gets rejected though. When I get rejected I just wish them well and let it go. Someone else not liking me surely isn't going to ruin my day, nor make me group people together. Each person is an individual and deserves to be treated as such.

[Mr Scorpio]

I disagree: I think my anger (perhaps "resentment" would be a better term) towards women is justified. Moreover, I think most men in my position would be hard-pressed to not be at least a little bit bitter. I'm not looking to "live a lie": I'm just looking for love, which most other people seem to be able to find in their lives.

 

Bitter? Yes, but not at others. I put my failures squarely where they belong, on myself.

[Brit]

I disagree: I think my anger (perhaps "resentment" would be a better term) towards women is justified. Moreover, I think most men in my position would be hard-pressed to not be at least a little bit bitter. I'm not looking to "live a lie": I'm just looking for love, which most other people seem to be able to find in their lives.

 

Your reality and perception are not logical. Most other people have love in their life, how do you know this? Most people give off a false perception in public that they are in love and happy, and behind closed doors, most relationships are full of unhappiness and dysfunction. Why not live for yourself and quit following the false prophecy of, "looking for love." Life sucks, and in reality is hell, has no one figured this fact out yet?

[WonderKid]

^^^ I see what you're getting at

[verhrzn]

There are lots of good emotional reasons for getting rid of bitterness, and just accepting that rejection is part of life; many of them have been well-documented in this thread.

 

But here's another one: acting bitter/hateful towards a woman who has rejected you, will result in a burned bridge or closed door that might have actually lead somewhere fruitful. It also blocks you from fully understanding what happened in the past, and how to learn from it.

 

For example, what if you had just swallowed the rejection as part of dating, and continued to act friendly towards the woman? She would have seen that you could handle emotional situations in a mature way, which would have raised your esteem in her eyes. You two could have developed a friendship, perhaps; this might have lead to her introducing you to one of her single friends, or even coming to regret that she had rejected you.

 

Even if you had moved on, and no longer wanted to date her, that's a pretty nice feeling... having someone who rejected you turn around and admit they're wrong, because they've been able to get to know you and appreciate you.

[jobaba]

 

However, this time, I've found myself consumed by resentment and bitterness towards K, and refuse to even talk to her when we see each other. Her rejection wasn't particularly harsh (though she perhaps did lead me on a bit), but at this point in my life (early 30s), I am, quite frankly, tired of being rejected my women, and this time even a mostly polite rejection has angered me. When we see each other, I can tell that K is somewhat confused by my reaction (though we haven't discussed it).

 

 

Hullo. I am the master, maestro, and supreme ruler when it comes to dealing with the land of rejection. I have been rejected every which way and how ... bars, clubs, friendzoned, getting to know a woman after 2 minutes, getting to know a woman after 2 years. And I know exactly where you are. In fact, I am in a similar place right now.

 

The reason why 'this time' is different with this woman K is because you actually like her. You have feelings for her. You've gotten to know her over a long period of time. That kind of bitterness and resentment sticks as opposed to a woman you've known for a week. It is also much stronger and deeper than the 'I hate all women' type.

 

In terms of just letting it go, holding no hard feelings, and continuing to hang with K, well the people who are saying that have never been there. It is very difficult to hang around with somebody that you have feelings for. K will start dating other men. You can bank on that. And I would not be around to witness that if I were you. You're really going to hate her and want to kill yourself.

 

There's good news though. Bitterness and hurt fade with time. In time you'll forget K. It may takes months to maybe even a couple of years. Everyone's different. But you will. Limit contact.

 

And even though you can't control where your mind and emotions go, you can control the magnitude of the rejections you are exposed to. Let's face it. Based on your OP, you will get rejected again.

 

DON'T MAKE THE MISTAKE OF BECOMING EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED TO A WOMAN BEFORE YOU KNOW SHE'S INTERESTED.

 

Hit on a woman early to see if she has any interest off the bat. If she is not, then move on. If you find yourself falling for a woman over a long period of time, like what just happened, LET IT GO. Don't ask her out. Three years ago, I developed a major crush on a woman I went to school with and got to know. But I decided to let it go and not ask her out. Do you know how much pain, ill will, and bitterness I have when I think of her? None, zero, zilch. Do you know how long it took me to get over the last woman who rejected me whom I had feelings for? 8 months and still counting. People always say pick rejection over regret. Those people aren't in our shoes.

 

Once again, the bitterness will fade. You cannot prevent rejection, but you can prevent the magnitude.

[somedude81]

How's the dating life? All goes well I hope. I'd assume your bitterness and lack of self confidence, which leads to more bitterness, has the ladies knocking each other over to be with you.

I can see how a lack of self-confidence is hurting me, and it affects how women see me.

 

But you still haven't said anything about how they can see the bitterness. And no, I'm not buying that a woman can just tell with her intuition

 

Everyone gets rejected though. When I get rejected I just wish them well and let it go. Someone else not liking me surely isn't going to ruin my day, nor make me group people together. Each person is an individual and deserves to be treated as such.

How old are you?

 

Have you had any dating success? What is your success to rejection ratio?

[jobaba]

 

For example, what if you had just swallowed the rejection as part of dating, and continued to act friendly towards the woman? She would have seen that you could handle emotional situations in a mature way, which would have raised your esteem in her eyes. You two could have developed a friendship, perhaps; this might have lead to her introducing you to one of her single friends, or even coming to regret that she had rejected you.

 

 

The bolded will almost never happen.

 

In terms of staying in touch as a friend, here are two scenarios ... real examples from my life.

 

1) Woman A rejected me after spending countless hours one on one with me. I was somewhat angry at the woman and wanted to limit contact. She insisted on keeping in touch as a friend and was very proactive about contacting me to see how I was doing even as I tried to ignore her. She stayed single for at least another year after she rejected me, and I got over her pretty quickly. She respected me as a friend and proactively contacted me and she is currently one of my best friends.

 

2) Woman B rejected me after spending even MORE hours one on one with me than Woman A. Partly because of what happened with Woman A, I never got angry with Woman B. I immediately tried to keep contact with her and suggest we hang out as friends thinking we could become close as friends. She always answered my texts, but was never proactive in contacting me. In short order, Woman B proceeded to ... 1) date a guy she'd barely met, and 2) proactively contact other guys we mutually knew to 'hang out' platonically while completely ignoring me. When I defriended her from facebook, she finally proactively contact me and suggest we hang out, and then proceeded to flake on me, reschedule, and then flake on me again. Now THAT will make you bitter and angry.

 

If the woman truly respects you as ANYTHING, she will contact you proactively. End of story.

[jobaba]

That resentment is going to keep you from finding a good match. Holding onto that bitterness will do nothing but push women who may have been interested away from you.

 

Easier said than done. I have been fighting off bitter and angry thoughts from my last rejection for 8 months. I HAVEN'T SEEN HER OR EVEN REALLY TALKED TO HER FOR 8 MONTHS!

 

I'm telling you. Sometimes when you get rejected by somebody, it's worse than a breakup if you really like that person. I have experienced both. People always minimize rejection ... 'Oh. She just wasn't into you. Get over it.' Most of the time it works like that. But every now and then, one will really hang you up.

 

I can see how a lack of self-confidence is hurting me, and it affects how women see me.

 

But you still haven't said anything about how they can see the bitterness. And no, I'm not buying that a woman can just tell with her intuition

 

 

They can't tell. Just the same as they can't tell that a man is going to become abusive after she marries him. Women think they can see all angles, but they can't.

[zengirl]

Plenty of people can see bitterness and plenty of people cannot. Bitterness, negativity, pessimism, anger, and resentment are just life-killers. Not only can people see them but the people who hold those feelings continually self-sabotage. They keep themselves from being happy and successful. If someone has a good, positive, happy attitude towards life, it is infectious! The opposite is repellent, and most people will avoid negativity.

 

At any rate, it's no good getting attached to someone you've not even went out on a date with yet! Crushes are bad news. Always.

 

Anger and bitterness are the same thing, really, and here's what I'll say about anger:

 

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.

Buddha

[verhrzn]

The bolded will almost never happen.

 

If the woman truly respects you as ANYTHING, she will contact you proactively. End of story.

 

The truth is, you can never know what's going on in someone else's head, and why they do the things they do.

 

I'm not sure if you read my thread a few weeks ago about a recent ex-friend of mine. Many months back, I had rejected him, and (with the added hindsight of 20/20) admit to myself that I probably did give the impression of leading him on/flakiness. I also then started seeing someone that, from a certain perspective, I "barely knew".

 

But the truth is, I was bitter towards him. I felt that HE had rejected ME, and that any amount of contact we had was either him trying to play me (turn me into a friends-with-benefits), or me acting as if I was "throwing" myself at him.

 

These thoughts in my head would not have been apparent, because in that situation, I played my cards very close to the chest. I was too prideful to let him know how much he'd gotten under my skin.

 

I didn't get over my own bitterness over this situation until a month or two ago. That is when I proactively reached out to my friend... because I finally felt as if I could be a genuine friend, and wasn't held back by bitterness/anger.

 

My rejection of him/not contacting my ex-friend actually had very little to do with him, and everything to do with what has happening inside my own head. My contacting him/not contacting him had nothing to do with whether I "respected" him or not... more accurately, I contacted him because I no longer felt the need to protect myself, and I could finally open up and be truthful/genuine.

 

This also ties back to the OP.... you have no idea why K rejected you, really. Unless you sat down with her and had several hours' worth of therapy sessions. It could be that something is fundamentally wrong with you, or it could be that there was something in you that triggered something in her, and so made you incompatible for the time being. Or it could be her issue entirely, and you're a perfectly fine human being. You don't know... which means you really shouldn't be taking the rejection personally, because it might not be.

 

Furthermore, use the situation with my ex-friend as a word of caution. I rejected him.... but after months of finally dealing with my own issues, was ready to come back to him, apologize, and admit my mistake. He had the opportunity for a MAJOR ego boost, and yet his bitterness and anger towards me turned a potentially good situation (a friendship, or at least acquaintance, built on honesty and forgiveness) into a dramatic hurricane that is still echoing out into our social group.

 

Forgive. Let go. Do it for yourself, if nothing else. You might be surprised what wanders back into your future, if you do.

[jobaba]

The truth is, you can never know what's going on in someone else's head, and why they do the things they do.

 

I'm not sure if you read my thread a few weeks ago about a recent ex-friend of mine. Many months back, I had rejected him, and (with the added hindsight of 20/20) admit to myself that I probably did give the impression of leading him on/flakiness. I also then started seeing someone that, from a certain perspective, I "barely knew".

 

But the truth is, I was bitter towards him. I felt that HE had rejected ME, and that any amount of contact we had was either him trying to play me (turn me into a friends-with-benefits), or me acting as if I was "throwing" myself at him.

 

These thoughts in my head would not have been apparent, because in that situation, I played my cards very close to the chest. I was too prideful to let him know how much he'd gotten under my skin.

 

I didn't get over my own bitterness over this situation until a month or two ago. That is when I proactively reached out to my friend... because I finally felt as if I could be a genuine friend, and wasn't held back by bitterness/anger.

 

My rejection of him/not contacting my ex-friend actually had very little to do with him, and everything to do with what has happening inside my own head. My contacting him/not contacting him had nothing to do with whether I "respected" him or not... more accurately, I contacted him because I no longer felt the need to protect myself, and I could finally open up and be truthful/genuine.

 

This also ties back to the OP.... you have no idea why K rejected you, really. Unless you sat down with her and had several hours' worth of therapy sessions. It could be that something is fundamentally wrong with you, or it could be that there was something in you that triggered something in her, and so made you incompatible for the time being. Or it could be her issue entirely, and you're a perfectly fine human being. You don't know... which means you really shouldn't be taking the rejection personally, because it might not be.

 

Furthermore, use the situation with my ex-friend as a word of caution. I rejected him.... but after months of finally dealing with my own issues, was ready to come back to him, apologize, and admit my mistake. He had the opportunity for a MAJOR ego boost, and yet his bitterness and anger towards me turned a potentially good situation (a friendship, or at least acquaintance, built on honesty and forgiveness) into a dramatic hurricane that is still echoing out into our social group.

 

Forgive. Let go. Do it for yourself, if nothing else. You might be surprised what wanders back into your future, if you do.

 

It's a good story but if he had feelings for you then a friendship is not a good idea regardless of whether you want to be friends or not. After the feelings faded, possibly, but it'd be your job to keep that bridge open, since you rejected him.

 

And if I didn't have feelings for a woman, then I would have no reason to feel bitterness and resentment towards her for rejecting me.

 

I get rejected all the time.

 

Totally different situations.

[verhrzn]

It's a good story but if he had feelings for you then a friendship is not a good idea regardless of whether you want to be friends or not. After the feelings faded, possibly, but it'd be your job to keep that bridge open, since you rejected him.

 

And if I didn't have feelings for a woman, then I would have no reason to feel bitterness and resentment towards her for rejecting me.

 

I get rejected all the time.

 

Totally different situations.

 

Well I did keep the bridge open. Not to get into squishy details and thread-jack, but we were friends for several months and I thought everything was good (I flaked on plans whenever I felt too bitter; yet another piece of evidence to support that you shouldn't assume why someone is doing something.) I didn't really realize anything was wrong until my ex-friend dropped regular contact after discovering I was dating someone. (Heck, I didn't even realize that he'd seen the situation as me rejecting him until, well, that thread I created. I always thought that he was rejecting me! Not the other way around.)

 

The thing is, even if you have hurt feelings over a rejection, it doesn't mean you have to burn a bridge. "Friends" is a very loose term; it's possible to downgrade someone to "polite acquaintance" while you deal with the rejection, and then when you're over the bitterness, ramp the friendship up to whatever comfort level works.

 

By letting his bitterness and anger control him, the OP is choosing to burn the bridge, instead of just dealing with his feelings in private and leaving future possibilities open.

[AlexDP]

How's the dating life? All goes well I hope. I'd assume your bitterness and lack of self confidence, which leads to more bitterness, has the ladies knocking each other over to be with you.

 

 

Everyone gets rejected though. When I get rejected I just wish them well and let it go. Someone else not liking me surely isn't going to ruin my day, nor make me group people together. Each person is an individual and deserves to be treated as such.

 

I know somedude can be an ass and I know his attitude does nothing to help him, but I am quite sure he has been rejected often because of his looks. You're right in saying that he should just let it go, but there's a difference between being rejected now and then and always.

 

Somedude, apart from height, do you think there could be other reasons you are being rejected? I agree that height can be an important factor for a lot of women. But let's explore other reasons too.

[jobaba]

Well I did keep the bridge open. Not to get into squishy details and thread-jack, but we were friends for several months and I thought everything was good (I flaked on plans whenever I felt too bitter; yet another piece of evidence to support that you shouldn't assume why someone is doing something.) I didn't really realize anything was wrong until my ex-friend dropped regular contact after discovering I was dating someone. (Heck, I didn't even realize that he'd seen the situation as me rejecting him until, well, that thread I created. I always thought that he was rejecting me! Not the other way around.)

 

The thing is, even if you have hurt feelings over a rejection, it doesn't mean you have to burn a bridge. "Friends" is a very loose term; it's possible to downgrade someone to "polite acquaintance" while you deal with the rejection, and then when you're over the bitterness, ramp the friendship up to whatever comfort level works.

 

By letting his bitterness and anger control him, the OP is choosing to burn the bridge, instead of just dealing with his feelings in private and leaving future possibilities open.

 

Haha. You've had some success while I've been away!

 

Good for you!

 

[verhrzn]

Haha. You've had some success while I've been away!

 

Good for you!

 

 

.... You have a very strange definition of success.