John Doe Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 Hi, I do not particularly want to share my entire story on the internet but I would appreciate some feedback on an issue that I cannot seem to get over. I have been seeing a married woman for X amount of time. She was unhappy and we fell in love. She left her husband and we are together all the time now. She has kids with the husband and sees them throughout the week. I am happy that she sees her kids. I am bothered that she texts with her "ex-husband" about stuff other than their kids / finances. More bothered than I could ever imagine being. At first, I thought it was wrong of me to feel that way but now I am 50/50. A part of me thinks I shouldn't feel like that but another part feels like she should keep conversations to being just about the kids / finances. I told her how I felt and she said that it would stop but it hasn't. Is it me that has a problem? Edit: I have no problem with her talking to any other male friends or co-workers. At all. Thank you.
imperfectangel Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 Unless she's hiding the messages I wouldn't necessarily have a problem. I wouldnt like It but at the end of the day that man will be in her life for at least another 20+ years they have to get on with each other for the sake of their children
Author John Doe Posted June 10, 2012 Author Posted June 10, 2012 I do understand that he will be in her life forever but I am uncomfortable with the fact that she would text with him about anything other than the kids and finances etc. I think about it on a daily basis. My thoughts on it are that she sees how bad it makes me feel and promised not to get friendly but she continues to do so anyway. Again...maybe I am just being jealous or whatever this feeling is. Thanks for the reply.
cocorico Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 Hi, I do not particularly want to share my entire story on the internet but I would appreciate some feedback on an issue that I cannot seem to get over. I have been seeing a married woman for X amount of time. She was unhappy and we fell in love. She left her husband and we are together all the time now. She has kids with the husband and sees them throughout the week. I am happy that she sees her kids. I am bothered that she texts with her "ex-husband" about stuff other than their kids / finances. More bothered than I could ever imagine being. At first, I thought it was wrong of me to feel that way but now I am 50/50. A part of me thinks I shouldn't feel like that but another part feels like she should keep conversations to being just about the kids / finances. I told her how I felt and she said that it would stop but it hasn't. Is it me that has a problem? Edit: I have no problem with her talking to any other male friends or co-workers. At all. Thank you. If it bugs you and you've told her this and she agreed not to do it you have a right to be bugged by it. I would be bugged by it too. My SO did not exchange a word with his x after his D except once about a change in financial arrangements for the kids and it suited all of us fine. There was and is no need for Xs to "get on" because of kids. They just need to refrain from slagging off the other parent to the kids and treat the kids with love and respect.
cocorico Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 I do understand that he will be in her life forever why should he be in her life forever? Divorce is over, IME. Most people do not hang about in their X's life forever but have nothing more to do with them except maybe appear both at a kid's wedding and studiously avoid each other there but unless the kids are still in nappies why should they have anything to do with each other at all?
MissBee Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 I do understand that he will be in her life forever but I am uncomfortable with the fact that she would text with him about anything other than the kids and finances etc. I think about it on a daily basis. My thoughts on it are that she sees how bad it makes me feel and promised not to get friendly but she continues to do so anyway. Again...maybe I am just being jealous or whatever this feeling is. Thanks for the reply. As you said if you are uncomfortable with her communicating outside of necessity and told her, and she still does it, then that's the problem. But why are you jealous of him and no one else? Do you feel she still loves him? Do you feel like he is a threat because they have history and kids together? You are being jealous, but the feelings of jealousy say something and you should figure out why this situation makes you jealous so you can see if it can be addressed.
jwi71 Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 At first, I thought it was wrong of me to feel that way but now I am 50/50. A part of me thinks I shouldn't feel like that but another part feels like she should keep conversations to being just about the kids / finances. I told her how I felt and she said that it would stop but it hasn't. YOU don't get to define her R with her xH (or anyone for that matter). So yes, you are in the wrong. It sounds like guilt, trust, or insecurity to me (towards the xH) - especially if you are ok with the other male friends she has. And all of those things are, as you may suspect, within yourself. That's for you to solve.
cocorico Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 Exactly. Why would you think her poor boundaries would be any different once you got her? Perhaps because so many people act out of character when in a bad R but "revert to type" when in a better one? I don't think a broken promise is a "poor boundary". I do think it is a failure to place appropriate weight on someone else's concern though. If she promised to communicate with her X only about kids' finances and then breaks that promise, that needs to be addressed. She should keep promises she makes, or not make them if she can't or won't keep them. I'd sit her down and tell her again that this matters, and ask her if she intends to keep her pro ise or not. If she does not, you have a choice to suck it up or walk away. If it bugs you that much, I'd walk away. There is no need for it and if it matters to you that she has NC with him and she flouts that, I'd say she is not giving due weight to your concerns and I'd move on. 1
anne1707 Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 why should he be in her life forever? Divorce is over, IME. Most people do not hang about in their X's life forever but have nothing more to do with them except maybe appear both at a kid's wedding and studiously avoid each other there but unless the kids are still in nappies why should they have anything to do with each other at all? Hmmm, reasons for divorced parents to still be in touch.... to discuss who has them this weekend, what time they will be dropped off...to discuss school work/problemsto discuss any other problems the child(ren) may be havingto ensure they are consistent in disciplining the child (so they are not played off against one another)to show the child that their parents both care and prioritise the childto discuss financing college plansto make arrangements re holidays/Christmas/etcto not make the child feel as if they have to choose between Mum and Dad - i.e. they get the same deal whoever they are withto not make the child feel like a messenger between their parents (with a "he said, she said" thing going on)because they are parents, simple as that 2
Happyface Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 Sounds to me like she is still carrying on the relationship with her husband but living with you. Perhaps she is keeping to door open for him in case you don't work out. It is always mess when the MAP leaves withou finishing the marriage. She has just changed residences. Happy Face.
shayla Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 Because she was married when you started with her, you may have some lingering questions about whether she is going to be unfaithful to you, since she was to her husband. And because they have children together, he is always going to be there. She seems to have unfinished business with him, and that is to be expected.
chalkfarm Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 Hi John, Are they divorced? Or are they separated? I only ask because if she is still married, I suspect that you feel threatened that she might go back home. Which is, in my personal experience, a very real possibility. I think your request to keep communication to a minimum is quite reasonable and deserves her respect.
whichwayisup Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 What's the time frame here between her leaving her husband and what is going on now? Without giving too much detail if possible. Anyway, I don't think you can dictate what type of conversation she has with her ex. They share kids, had a history together, probably still cares for him and likes him enough to want to be civil or possibly friends because of the kids. You either trust her or you don't with him. Sorry to say this but this is your problem now.. You chose to be with a MW, she left her husband to be with you and yes, there ARE and WILL be trust issues for a long time when it comes to him. Remember one day IF you two DO get married, he WILL be in your lives forever because the kids and you need to be the bigger person here, kind of suck it up and put their kids first and allow a casual friendship to happen between them..That is good for the kids for future gatherings when you all might be together in the same room. You want this guy to respect you enough and trust you around his kids, right? Then don't be so jealous of what she says to him. hope this makes sense to you.
Author John Doe Posted June 11, 2012 Author Posted June 11, 2012 (edited) What's the time frame here between her leaving her husband and what is going on now? Without giving too much detail if possible. Anyway, I don't think you can dictate what type of conversation she has with her ex. They share kids, had a history together, probably still cares for him and likes him enough to want to be civil or possibly friends because of the kids. You either trust her or you don't with him. Sorry to say this but this is your problem now.. You chose to be with a MW, she left her husband to be with you and yes, there ARE and WILL be trust issues for a long time when it comes to him. Remember one day IF you two DO get married, he WILL be in your lives forever because the kids and you need to be the bigger person here, kind of suck it up and put their kids first and allow a casual friendship to happen between them..That is good for the kids for future gatherings when you all might be together in the same room. You want this guy to respect you enough and trust you around his kids, right? Then don't be so jealous of what she says to him. hope this makes sense to you. 3 months. I just don't see why her being friendly with him would be more important than how I feel. Especially since this is the only thing I have ever asked of her. Being civil and being friendly are different. I understand there needs to be contact because of the kids, etc. As I said, I am pretty much 50/50 on this being my problem and not hers. I just wanted to get some other opinions - much appreciated to everyone who took the time to reply. Edited June 11, 2012 by John Doe
whichwayisup Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 How long were they married? It's only been 3 months..Since she left him for you or are they officiallly divorced? Tell her how you feel, that you don't enjoy being second fiddle and it hurts you that she still puts his feelings first over yours. I hate to say it but is it possible that she is having doubts about the future?
silktricks Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 One of the most important things people can do for their kids is to remain friendly even though they are no longer together. This isn't about you. If you make it about you, then there is a very real possibility that you will lose her.
Author John Doe Posted June 11, 2012 Author Posted June 11, 2012 One of the most important things people can do for their kids is to remain friendly even though they are no longer together. This isn't about you. If you make it about you, then there is a very real possibility that you will lose her. As I said, talking to her ex husband is inevitable and I understand that she needs to do that. However, how does texting him about her problems or him telling her about his activities and her texting him back, etc etc etc going to help their kids? I want to let it go and just ignore it. I want to not care. Unfortunately, it is not possible for me at this point. I think about it constantly and I am not worried about anything happening between them at all but it bugs me to know there is unnecessary contact between them. whichwayisup: 3 months since she left him. There are no doubts about the future. We want to get married.
whichwayisup Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 As I said, talking to her ex husband is inevitable and I understand that she needs to do that. However, how does texting him about her problems or him telling her about his activities and her texting him back, etc etc etc going to help their kids? I want to let it go and just ignore it. I want to not care. Unfortunately, it is not possible for me at this point. I think about it constantly and I am not worried about anything happening between them at all but it bugs me to know there is unnecessary contact between them. whichwayisup: 3 months since she left him. There are no doubts about the future. We want to get married. Then just let it go. Either you trust her 100 per cent or you don't. Deal with it and know that they ARE going to talk because of obvious reasons. If you can't let go of this and make peace with it, it WILL get in the way eventually and she will become resentful towards you and will feel that towards here. Why are you thinking about it constantly? How is that helping you?
whichwayisup Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 However, how does texting him about her problems or him telling her about his activities and her texting him back, etc etc etc going to help their kids? Because obviously she feels like she can still talk to him after everything that has happened. It's good for the kids as it'll make life easier for them and everybody in the future that they don't hold resentment, bitterness and pain towards one another. She considers him a friend, even though he's an ex. Since you plan on marrying her and he's no threat to what you two share, then what is the big deal that she still talks to him on a personal level?
freestyle Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 John Doe---I'm guessing that you're afraid your fiance is going to play the same triangulation games with you , that she did with her xH. (based on the fact you complained about her discussing personal things with him, instead of only discussing the kids) You're afraid she'll go running & crying to her xH , as soon as you & her have a major conflict. That she's going to complain to him about YOU. (and naturally--he's not likely to say anything to defend you, he's more likely to undermine her opinion of you, if she allows it.) Is that what's going through your mind? 1
Author John Doe Posted June 11, 2012 Author Posted June 11, 2012 John Doe---I'm guessing that you're afraid your fiance is going to play the same triangulation games with you , that she did with her xH. (based on the fact you complained about her discussing personal things with him, instead of only discussing the kids) You're afraid she'll go running & crying to her xH , as soon as you & her have a major conflict. That she's going to complain to him about YOU. (and naturally--he's not likely to say anything to defend you, he's more likely to undermine her opinion of you, if she allows it.) Is that what's going through your mind? That's not really what is the problem. She doesn't discuss our relationship with him and I know she wouldn't complain to him about me. (as she said before, she doesn't want to rub it in that she is with someone else) I think I'll just let it go and see what happens.
scatterd Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 Is her husband aware that you are with her? How well do you know her and her situation? I am wondering if they have filed for divorce. If she has not made things clear with him she will continue to talk to him.
Author John Doe Posted June 11, 2012 Author Posted June 11, 2012 Is her husband aware that you are with her? How well do you know her and her situation? I am wondering if they have filed for divorce. If she has not made things clear with him she will continue to talk to him. Her husband is aware of us being together and he is also aware that she cheated on him with me. They have not filed for divorce.
scatterd Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 As long as they are married they will be talking about things in less the laywer is handling all.Is she being honest with you about everything 3 months is not long. Did you know her before this Pay attention to what she says to him. Is it just being civil or is it more? Take it slow get to know her well I dont know how it works where you live but here it can take up to a year to get a divorce.
scatterd Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 I know this man thats getting a divorce with his wife he moved out because she was cheating.She is with this other man a different one and said that they was planning to marry.She showed up with her husband at our house and they are trying to work their out their marriage now. She has cheated on him several times.I doubt this other guy knows what she is doing for this just happened.This is why I say be careful when a person is going through something like this you dont know if they will go back.I am not saying this is happening to you but just keep your ears open. Good Luck 1
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