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Posted

I've posted in the long distance relationship thread about my ongoing problem regarding my boyfriend. However i'm now almost positively adamant he is cheating on me, i thought would post in this section for any help or advice please.

Basically i have know my boyfriend for 12 or so years. In January we commenced a ldr and met up again in April. He is coming back (allegedly) again to the uk (he moved to another European country in Feb for work) for a visit at the end of July to see me.

 

My problem is he has been quite quiet/distant for the past 6/8 weeks or so. Initially i thought it was because he was stressed at work. However over the last 2 weeks i have begun to have suspicions that there is another girl involved (looking back at his change in patterns and red flags, i think he has been involved with her since around his brothers first visit to him around the middle/end April).

My boyfriends brother is currently staying with him for a few weeks holiday, so i asked if he wanted space, he said no. After some fantastic advice on the ldr section, i have begum to withdraw slightly and not responding to messages immediately to see how he reacts.

To be honest, i don't think he will notice. He probably assumes, knowing the type of person i am, that i am aware he is busy. He keeps saying he loves me and today wishes i was there. However this all seems to be lies and a way to keep me "sweet" or possibly to make me dump him. It does feel like he is stringimg me along incase things don't work out with this other woman.

 

He seems to be using a male code name for this girl he is seeing. Initially i thought they were just workmates, but if this was the case then why wouldn't he just tell me about her, rather than giving her a male name?

He told me today that he is off to the beach. After my suspicions have been raised (this sounds bad) i have been checking out the other girsl public facebook wall. Today she has "checked in" at a beach with my boyfriend and his brother. They could just be friends, but my instincts and the signs say not.

 

So basically my head is totally done in, and i don't quite know how to handle my situation.

 

As far as i'm aware i have 4 options 1. Confront him. Which is rather diffficult when at the moment communication is limited by his brothers visit. He would probably either lie/deny like he did a few weeks back, or ignore me. 2. See how things pan out until his visit in July. This is getting harder as i now feel quite angry at being treated like a mug, and at times just want things to end for my own sake and feelings. 3. Tell him i'm not happy with how distant/quiet he his. Although i know his brother is with him, i hate feeling like an option, and how he is treating me. 4. Dump him, which could be what he wants if he doesn't have the guts to finish things.

 

Please any ideas on how to handle this or what other people have done in this situation and the outcome would be good to hear.

 

Thank you for reading,

Beckr1

Posted

The first thing you need to do is separate reality from the stories you may be conjuring up in your head. Consider what facts that are known for sure, and what suspicions are upsetting you. From a purely rational perspective decide if the facts actually justify these suspicions.

 

If you know for a fact that he uses a male name for a woman he's spending time with, and that he's actually at the beach with her, then perhaps that's all you need to know to make a decision. Any time a person's words don't match their actions and motivations, even in the smallest ways, it's an indicator the person is disingenuous. If that's the case, it's time to do what's right for you. Integrity is paramount. If it's not there then there's no basis for continuing.

 

On the other hand, if these suspicions are bases on nothing more than frequency of contact, time between texts and so forth, you don't have enough information to jump to conclusions. You really need to figure out whether there is honesty and integrity at the core of this relationship. Respect yourself first, and don't give anyone the time of day if they don't respect you the way you deserve.

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Posted

Thanks for the reply Salparadise.

 

I agree that i need to work out what i actually know and what could simply be paranoia making me imagine worst case scenarios.

At the end of April when his behaviour started changing i began to keep a diary (something i haven't done for years) just to help rationalise my thoughts and clear my head. I looked back at that last night, and something just clicked in my head.

I know there is another girl involved, and my instinct is screaming at me. He is unaware, but i have caught him in a few lies lately which point to the same conclusion that he isn't being altogether honest with me. Although i don't have cold hard evidence i can see patterns, and the occasions when i know he was with this girl (through snooping on facebook over the past week once my suspicions were raised) if they were just mates, i'm sure he would have told me he was out with her.

 

I have given him 2/3 chances to back out of the relationship if he wanted to, but he told me he was happy. The last time i asked if he was happy and not continuing things just for the sake of not hurting me i told him i wouldn't ask again, this was about 5/6 weeks ago, he said he hadn't gone off me but his actions do not match his words.

 

I really feel the case may be he cannot finish things for whatever the reason may be. Maybe he's too gutless and is distancing himself hoping that i'll do the ending. I can't believe he would be so distant and uncommunicative if he still really loved me.

 

I don't think i can handle this situation for another month just to see what happens. I was previously unwilling to end things myself as i still love him. However you are correct and i need to respect myself. I can't bear the thought of him telling me he loves me whilst cringing. Likewise i can't stand the thought of losing him, looking back at my online diary i have been in a state of turmoil and on a rollercoaster of emotions since the middle of April. I can't continue not sleeping properly and feeling continuously on edge.

So i think i am sending him an email this week stating that it appears he has moved on with life in his new country, which is good as i am pleased for him as i want him to be happy. Then basically giving him a "get out of jail free card" to just walk away if his feelings have altered with no hard feelings.

 

I think i know ultimately how this will end, and i am so scared of how devastated i will be, but likewise i can't continue with a relationship that may simply just be in my head. I really thought that him and i were soul mates, and have a sense of dread that i am going to be left gutwrenched.

Posted
I looked back at that last night, and something just clicked in my head. I know there is another girl involved, and my instinct is screaming at me. He is unaware, but i have caught him in a few lies lately which point to the same conclusion that he isn't being altogether honest with me.[/Quote]

 

Having caught him in other lies recently, it's reasonable to conclude that he's lying about the other things you suspect. Sorry to say, your instincts are probably right on.

 

I really feel the case may be he cannot finish things for whatever the reason may be. Maybe he's too gutless and is distancing himself hoping that i'll do the ending. I can't believe he would be so distant and uncommunicative if he still really loved me.

 

I think he's just being extremely disrespectful and putting you on the back burner. Gutless perhaps as well, but not in the innocent way. He's treating you like a doormat. He has no reason to finish things because he doesn't have respect for you. It's self-serving disregard.

 

I don't think i can handle this situation for another month just to see what happens. I was previously unwilling to end things myself as i still love him. However you are correct and i need to respect myself. I can't bear the thought of him telling me he loves me whilst cringing.

 

And you shouldn't. You need to move on and give yourself some closure.

 

So i think i am sending him an email this week stating that it appears he has moved on with life in his new country, which is good as i am pleased for him as i want him to be happy. Then basically giving him a "get out of jail free card" to just walk away if his feelings have altered with no hard feelings.

 

If you feel like extending him that much consideration after what he's done then you're a bigger person than most. Personally, I'd cease communication, unfriend him on facebook and leave him figure out what happened. That would restore your power and leave his head spinning in the way he's done to you.

 

I think i know ultimately how this will end, and i am so scared of how devastated i will be, but likewise i can't continue with a relationship that may simply just be in my head. I really thought that him and i were soul mates, and have a sense of dread that i am going to be left gutwrenched.

 

Exercising your power will help somewhat. It won't be easy but it will be better than putting the ball in his court and making yourself the dumpee. These are my opinions of course, and you need to do what's right for you. I had a similar situation a few years ago (cheating-lying gf) and took quite a bit of satisfaction and power in seeing her ringing my phone for several months afterward and not giving her the time of day. It drove her nuts and she deserved it. She probably assumed but never really knew for sure if she had been caught or what, but I greatly preferred ignoring her cheatin' a$$ to giving her the satisfaction of knowing that she had hurt me.

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Posted

If i thought i would get satisfaction and feel better from cutting all contact with him, i would do that immediately.

However i think he would prefer that as it would make it easier for him and save him needing to do anything further.

What i am thinking of right now is just to distant myself emotionally from him, keep telling myself it is over as he can't feel much for me by blatantly fibbing and up to god knows what else, but continue replying (not instigating contact) to his messages. Just to see how it pans out and to know now that he must be squirming or feeling slightly uncomfortable. Sounds pretty awful of me, but i want to make him feel bad in some way, and to feel an ounce of how i have felt since mid April. That would make his head spin badly, as he'd have to carry on keeping his phone away from her and wondering why the hell i'm not getting the message.

 

I just can't believe up until this time last week i was more or less oblivious to him seeing another girl and even felt sympathy for him thinking that he may be depressed, lonely or homesick - haha - and that's the reason why he was out a lot at the pub or falling asleep tired.

I feel such a fool. However as i have been aware of something not being right for a lot longer, (but didn't suspect another girl there until recently) i definitely feel a bit of anger towards him as well for the way he has been fooling me and acting. More so since i told him a month ago i felt like i was at times mithering him and was upset he found time for other people/stuff, but not to fire me off a quick text now and then. He told me he was sorry he made me feel that way and i wasn't being annoying and he just wanted us together....For the next dew days he made more effort, but then back to being aloof.

Like you say i must be down to lack of respect for me, which is upsetting as we used to know each other as mates before this.

 

I probably sound rather bitter wanting to "pay him back" in some way. I wish i thought that your method would work, but knowing him i could seem him breathing a huge sigh of relief at such an easy get out.

Posted

Well, you need to handle it in the way that feels right to you. I wonder if perhaps you're feeling there's still some hope of salvaging the relationship and that you're way will keep that possibility alive. But it's not going to give you closure any time soon, or allow you to assert your personal power. As you know, feelings can change day to day and yours will certainly be in flux as you keep responding... but if you really can distance from him and find some perspective perhaps it will work for you. Just keep in mind that you have to respect and take care of yourself and do what's right for you now. Let us know how things transpire.

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Posted

Maybe deep down i am hoping that there is still hope, and that it has all been a huge error on my part, and he is innocent. If so stringing this out possibly isn't the best option and i should aim for closure so i can get my peace of mind back, and get him out of my head once and for all.

 

However today i have felt different when he contacts me. Usually i feel happy to hear from him, today i have felt slightly uncomfortable as i know he can't be genuine in a lot of what he says. He probably only begrudgingly messages me feeling that he should do so, for whatever purpose. Therefore my replies have been short like his, as i think reality is settling in that he isn't who i thought he was. I feel like i know something i shouldn't (which i do) and that strangely makes me feel more in control of my emotions when we communicate, as he must be unaware i know.

 

Last night i didn't hear from him after he left work again, apart from a short text regarding a prediction regarding a footy match. He no longer tells me that he is sorry for being quiet or what he is doing that evening. It sounds doormat like, but i have stopped asking, and likewise stopped telling him what i have been up to. He can't be interested or he would have asked.

I realise that this other girl is now his priority, so i will try and make him squirm as long as i feel it isn't affecting me. The thought of him trying deperately to hide his phone from her sight and sneaking off to send me a good morning message gives me a small amount of contentment. Ooh i sound rather bitter, but if i simply stopped communication i'm adamant he would be thankful. So i want to make him squirm a little longer and make his life a little worrysome, to give him a taste of his own medicine so to speak, from all the times i have been waiting to hear from him. He can now dread the sound of my messages and put up with obviously needing to make up stories about who he is texting a while longer.

 

Thank you for your kind words Salparadise, and i will most defintely be putting myself before him now. I'll let you know the outcome, which i'm sure will come to a head soon either way.

Posted

How do you deal with a cheating boyfriend? You dump his ass flat.

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Posted

Hahahaha nofool4u. I wasn't initially sure if he was cheating. Now i'm 98% positive.

So i'm playing him a little, like he has been taking me for a muppet since around April.

I'm not normally one for games, but me dumping him would be the easy way out for him.

Posted
Hahahaha nofool4u. I wasn't initially sure if he was cheating. Now i'm 98% positive.

So i'm playing him a little, like he has been taking me for a muppet since around April.

I'm not normally one for games, but me dumping him would be the easy way out for him.

 

You shouldn't be concerned with whether its the easy way out for him or not. How he perceives it isn't a consideration.

 

You leave for YOU, not to let him off the hook. You leave so you can find a great guy.

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Posted

I am in the process of mentally checking out, while hopefully making him suffer a bit too. By that i mean i'm sure he is willing me to finish with him simply to save him the task.

This isn't out of concern for him, but to hopefully make me feel a bit better about being played.

  • Author
Posted

Well as a little update, this morning i had had enough of the game playing and decided to bring things to a head, as the lack of communication was driving me crazy.

So earlier today i sent him a message (condensed version) saying that it looks like you're fed up of what we have as your actions are sadly speaking volumes.

 

He replied immediately stating that he wanted to die as he was out last night with his temp lodger, a friend of his who is moving between apartments, so he said he could crash at his. He then asked what do you mean as i keep asking you to move in with me and live here.

I replied saying i was never sure if he was serious about that lately, due to his emotional distance.

 

Just to add we have not had a proper discussion about me moving to be with him recently, he simply sends little texts about going for a holiday etc. The only plans he had was to come back here for a visit at the end of July. This also shows how little he shares with me nowadays as i was unaware he had a friend staying with him and some other facts he disclosed.

 

I haven't heard back off him since. Now i'm assuming this is the outcome he wanted. Surely a guy who really cared wouldn't have not replied all day - it is now after 7pm Sunday evening? I have a feeling this is the conclusion he was striving towards, and spinning it around to make it appear like it was my fault.

 

Anyway i've decided this time i will not initiate any contact. A virtually identical situation occured about 5 weeks ago and the next morning (after again trying to have a discussion with him then being given the silent treatment all day) i contacted him first. Arggghhhhh!

Posted

Long distance is hard. Your mind can make up stuff and make you feel worse, even if his intentions aren't what you're worried about, because of the distance it makes you feel insecure and doubt what you two have together.

 

If you can't handle LDR and the trust is an issue, then when he comes to see you in the summer, talk to him and let him know that you can't handle it.

 

Is he living there perminately? Or is he moving back to where you live anytime soon? If he is there forever, what's the point of LDR if you aren't going to move to where he is. Think about long term too, not just the 'now.'

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Posted

Hi whichwayisup,

 

Yeah the long distance is hard :( But i believed it would be worth it in the end, as we had plans for me to move to where he is now (he has no plans to move back here to the Uk apart from visits).

 

After a few years there we have then talked about moving to Australia in another few years, as i have just returned from there myself a few months back after 4 years of living there.

 

I agree in the there is no point in ldr if you aren't ever planning on moving to be together. However now i just don't believe he really wants us together. His actions tell me different things to what he says. Since the other morning he has been extremely quiet. The past 2 days i have received a good morning message, and that has been it. Apart from a text i sent him last night asking how his monday at work had gone.

 

I can't call him at the moment for a "talk" as he has his brother and i assume his temp lodger. However i can't carry on any longer with him skirting around my questions then being extremely quiet, so tomorrow i'm sending an email.

Rather than me just going no contact (as i don't think i'd get closure that way) i need to know exactly where we stand and if there is any hope or not, rather than guessing games. In regards to the suspected cheating, well if he has another girl on the side, i'm sure he wouldn't tell me either way, but right now i just need closure and to know if my mind is making stuff up because of the distance.

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