So much negativity it's unbearable

[moonmosaic]

We have been married for 4 and a half years and I am not happy. My husband has such a destructive attitude it's making me depressed and that is from someone who lives in the sunshine state of Florida!

The most unbearable part of our marriage is communication. How things are relayed or put across between the two of us. I have always believed that the best way to discuss an issue is to be constructive. Unfortunately my husband has no idea how to do this. It took me a while to realize that it isn't just handling conflict but he is destructive in his behaviour also. For instance:

1.he answers a question with a question; Why do you need to know? Why don't you do it yourself? simple questions that could be answered with a yes, no or maybe could easily turn into an argument if i let it.

2.he responds to a situation negatively; I am not going to, I have told you before, I don't understand this, I am tired of this...

His demeanor is argumentative and continuously disruptive in my eyes.

To translate this to plain English:-

We could be sitting at the dinner table and my daughter wants desert. I would say:

You can have your desert after you finished the main meal. My husband respond would be:

No, you can't have desert because you didn't finish your main meal.

 

This may sound like a petty thing but trust me if you did not grow up with this 4 and a half years of living it is like a prison sentence. He is just not capable of saying anything constructive, It's always about discipline, punishment and never reward. Is there anything I can do to change this? He doesn't think anything is wrong with this. So am I overreacting?

[LucreziaBorgia]

You can't change him, but you can learn to defend yourself verbally and defuse negative situations. There is one great book you can pick up and check out called "Nasty People" by Jay Carter. Once you get the hang of it, you will find that communication will have a very different outcome.

 

I find myself in a similar trap, but after stopping his negative and passive-aggressive bullsh*t in its tracks, daily life is a bit more easy. It is even getting to the point where he doesn't even attempt it as much any more.

 

Verbal self-defense is as important as physical self-defense: if someone verbally messes with you, and you consistently hand them their tail through assertive verbal self-defense they will be forced to learn a new and more productive way of communicating. Either that or they will learn to keep their meanness to themselves. You need this, and your child/children especially need it.

[moonmosaic]

You can't change him, but you can learn to defend yourself verbally and defuse negative situations. There is one great book you can pick up and check out called "Nasty People" by Jay Carter. Once you get the hang of it, you will find that communication will have a very different outcome.

 

I find myself in a similar trap, but after stopping his negative and passive-aggressive bullsh*t in its tracks, daily life is a bit more easy. It is even getting to the point where he doesn't even attempt it as much any more.

 

Verbal self-defense is as important as physical self-defense: if someone verbally messes with you, and you consistently hand them their tail through assertive verbal self-defense they will be forced to learn a new and more productive way of communicating. Either that or they will learn to keep their meanness to themselves. You need this, and your child/children especially need it.

 

Thank you! I was hoping that was a possible solution to this - a book - that can help me combat this behaviour. I am not an expert in behavioural science but I know I feel good when I communicate constructively with my employees, daughter, friends and feel bad when communication turns destructive and ends with lots of unanswered questions and creates unresolved situations.

[brokendreamz]

Your post makes me sad. I behaved like your H for the 8 years I was lucky enough to be with my ex.

 

She left me because of it.

 

The worst thing is - I had no idea I was behaving like this until she left me. I was bought up around this negative attitude and believed it to be the norm.

 

I believe the way I was bought up led me to a form of depression called dysthemia (spelling?!). I have been on anti depressants, seen a therapist and taken a course in mindfulness meditation.

 

I am a different person these days and can't stand to be around any negative influences. I am terribly sad that I lost the love of my life because of the way I behaved (I don't blame her for going) but if she hadn't left I would never have sought help.

 

I hope it doesn't come to that between you two, but I kinda believe that he won't change unless he wants to - if (like I did) he thinks his behaviour is the norm then it might take some pretty serious action on your part to get him to see the error of his ways.

[MuscleCarFan]

You can try marriage counseling and see if he changes. If he doesn't, then I'd just divorce him.

[Feelin Frisky]

If he wasn't always like this in your relationship then for whatever reason he seems to have come to the stage where he shows contempt. That can be contempt for you, his life or both. Personally I don't see a relationship as being salvageable if one or both parties have reached the contempt stage. This is pretty much full time disgust, contentiousness, veiled hatred, a need to belittle others for some kind of assertion of power. And a person who accepts that of themselves and believes they are justified because of their partner's "faults" or it's always someone else's fault are the worst candidates for any kind of miracle recovery or reversal. If he was this way before the relationship but just less so, it was a foregone conclusion that he's be who he really is eventually i.e. a "TOXIC" personality.

 

I'm sorry to say this but some people are indeed socially "toxic". And there's but one thing to do about it, get free of this person and his power to affect your moods and feelings. You won't be the first woman to have fell for the wrong guy nor the last but I don't think there is any other advice than to accept that contempt exists and he is toxic to your existence. Good luck and have faith that not everyone is like this.

[moonmosaic]

Your post makes me sad. I behaved like your H for the 8 years I was lucky enough to be with my ex.

 

She left me because of it.

 

The worst thing is - I had no idea I was behaving like this until she left me. I was bought up around this negative attitude and believed it to be the norm.

 

I believe the way I was bought up led me to a form of depression called dysthemia (spelling?!). I have been on anti depressants, seen a therapist and taken a course in mindfulness meditation.

 

I am a different person these days and can't stand to be around any negative influences. I am terribly sad that I lost the love of my life because of the way I behaved (I don't blame her for going) but if she hadn't left I would never have sought help.

 

I hope it doesn't come to that between you two, but I kinda believe that he won't change unless he wants to - if (like I did) he thinks his behaviour is the norm then it might take some pretty serious action on your part to get him to see the error of his ways.

 

Thanks for sharing this with me. Perhaps you can take him out for a drink if you don't live far! Did you have any close friends? My hubby is a loner, his friends are only on facebook and he only socializes when he has to. This is a big drawback. I expect my friends not to agree with everything I say but to point out things that I am wrong about. If he had friends like that he would perhaps change but then again I can see him say "why would I need people who tell me I am wrong?"

[moonmosaic]

If he wasn't always like this in your relationship then for whatever reason he seems to have come to the stage where he shows contempt. That can be contempt for you, his life or both. Personally I don't see a relationship as being salvageable if one or both parties have reached the contempt stage. This is pretty much full time disgust, contentiousness, veiled hatred, a need to belittle others for some kind of assertion of power. And a person who accepts that of themselves and believes they are justified because of their partner's "faults" or it's always someone else's fault are the worst candidates for any kind of miracle recovery or reversal. If he was this way before the relationship but just less so, it was a foregone conclusion that he's be who he really is eventually i.e. a "TOXIC" personality.

 

I'm sorry to say this but some people are indeed socially "toxic". And there's but one thing to do about it, get free of this person and his power to affect your moods and feelings. You won't be the first woman to have fell for the wrong guy nor the last but I don't think there is any other advice than to accept that contempt exists and he is toxic to your existence. Good luck and have faith that not everyone is like this.

 

This is a good question. I think he did have the tendency to be a glass is always half empty person and after we got married he just settled into his comfort zone. Once you live together things do change and we had to compromise. My friends, my hobby, his hobby, my bad habits, his bad habits etc. I don't think I am the reason he is like this but perhaps I am not helping him enough either. I remember a few times in the past between arguments telling him that our discussions would always be fruitless because he did not have the social intelligence to come up to my level. I can see that not being constructive at all and perhaps creating resentment. I don't know. Sometimes you mirror who you live with - not always a good thing.

[brokendreamz]

Thanks for sharing this with me. Perhaps you can take him out for a drink if you don't live far! Did you have any close friends? My hubby is a loner, his friends are only on facebook and he only socializes when he has to. This is a big drawback. I expect my friends not to agree with everything I say but to point out things that I am wrong about. If he had friends like that he would perhaps change but then again I can see him say "why would I need people who tell me I am wrong?"

 

Nope - I lost touch with all my friends. Thought everyone was against me (although never admited that to anyone - just kept it all bottled up). I am happy to say that when we broke up and after seeing the therapist, I re connected with a lot of my old friends and now have more of a healthy social life. When I look back, I realise how withdrawn I had become. I used diazipam and whiskey in my lowest times to black out my negative feelings... which obviously made me even more unapproachable and difficult to converse with

 

Thinking about it, there was a book that REALLY helped me understand that I had a problem and that I wasn't alone and best of all, it's only about 20 pages with pictures and only a little text (I am not illiterate but this really had an impact on me) go out and get hold of a copy of 'I had a black dog' try leaving the book around somewhere he'll find it and see if you can get him to read it without you forcing him to - perhaps leave it in the bathroom by the toilet?!

 

There's also a book in the series called 'living with a black dog' which might help you.

 

I will say again however, that it MUST come from him - HE must see that he needs to change. If all else fails, perhaps show him this thread? Might be a good way to show him that you want it to work and that you're prepared to fight for him... But you can't keep fighting a loosing battle. No one can:o

 

You're welcome to PM me if you like.

 

Good luck

[Feelin Frisky]

...I remember a few times in the past between arguments telling him that our discussions would always be fruitless because he did not have the social intelligence to come up to my level. ....

 

 

Hahaha. I know that that can be true but saying it is not likely to fix things. It's a critically important thing though--unfortunately our society places no emphasis on "social development" which I think should be held as fundamentally imperative as knowledge development or "literacy" if you will. Millions of people turn out socially neglected, socially illiterate and, given their personal chemistry and their personal experience which may be one of hard exposure to other social illiterates and/or toxic personalities, they can default to anti-social attitudes, territorialism, contentiousness, perhaps always seeing things as a power play of one-upsmanship. My personal drive--what I really care about--is the establishment of a new literacy above the familiar literacies of 20th Century education. But literacy is not something to be studied as a subject--it is a result that comes from leadership. There may not even be anyone alive that is quite that literate but I believe that we can develop models of interplay in technology where technology acts as proxy leadership to spread higher reason and ethics that there are not enough teachers and leaders to fulfill the task using conventional teaching. Just sharing. Hope you don't mind.

[moonmosaic]

The biggest obstacle in any relationship is when different "books" are being read by each partner. When the "books" are different you can never get on the same "page". People who cannot think beyond what they believe in will never experience personal growth.

Anyway why am I saying this? Because everyone can experience personal growth but one must see that it is needed. My hubby must see that his negativity is damaging to his surroundings before we can have a happy life.

[gailn]

Hi - i search around the web sometimes trying to find ways to change the interactions between my spouse & myself. we've been together 7 years this time, and he's been sober this time, and we're both middle-aged. i've never had such a long relationship before. we used to be more like friends & lovers than this long-term couple we've become. he's all about routines and work and then lazing around on his off-time. i'm all about spontaneity, work and getting things done, having goals, doing something worthwhile for ourselves. but where he used to be mr. happy-go-lucky, he's becoming mr. crotchety. i find it harder and harder to talk to him. there are days when i say the sky is blue and he says it's cloudy. but i wonder how much of it is me: i was raised by the most negative people on the planet. it has taken my whole life to get over most of that negative thinking. i was told of a book called "You Can't Afford the Luxury of a Negative Thought" and just the title became enough of a mantra to help me - even in traffic - to overcome habitual negativity. living with someone a long time is a serious challenge. i often wonder if it's worth it. but i hated being alone all the time. and the older i get the more i don't want that. nor does he. how do i keep him from getting any crankier? i thought your responses very honest and good, btw.

[BetheButterfly]

We have been married for 4 and a half years and I am not happy. My husband has such a destructive attitude it's making me depressed and that is from someone who lives in the sunshine state of Florida!

The most unbearable part of our marriage is communication. How things are relayed or put across between the two of us. I have always believed that the best way to discuss an issue is to be constructive. Unfortunately my husband has no idea how to do this. It took me a while to realize that it isn't just handling conflict but he is destructive in his behaviour also. For instance:

1.he answers a question with a question; Why do you need to know? Why don't you do it yourself? simple questions that could be answered with a yes, no or maybe could easily turn into an argument if i let it.

2.he responds to a situation negatively; I am not going to, I have told you before, I don't understand this, I am tired of this...

His demeanor is argumentative and continuously disruptive in my eyes.

To translate this to plain English:-

We could be sitting at the dinner table and my daughter wants desert. I would say:

You can have your desert after you finished the main meal. My husband respond would be:

No, you can't have desert because you didn't finish your main meal.

 

This may sound like a petty thing but trust me if you did not grow up with this 4 and a half years of living it is like a prison sentence. He is just not capable of saying anything constructive, It's always about discipline, punishment and never reward. Is there anything I can do to change this? He doesn't think anything is wrong with this. So am I overreacting?

 

It's possible he was raised like this. Have you met his family?

 

No you aren't overreacting. I would have a huge issue with this too.

 

You can't really change another person. You can change yourself though. If you want, see about going to a support group for anger management? I know you are not angry but it is possible that maybe your husband doesn't know how to resolve anger/frustration issues. Possibly, going can help you figure out how to talk with him in a way that can help him understand why he's acting like he is?

[TaraMaiden]

We could be sitting at the dinner table and my daughter wants desert. I would say:

You can have your desert after you finished the main meal. My husband respond would be:

No, you can't have desert because you didn't finish your main meal.

 

forgive me but this made me smile a little...

I remember once pushing my half-finished plate away from me, and asking for my pudding. My mother replied that i could have dessert once i finished my meal... and I replied, "But mummy, if I finish my meal, won't have any room for pudding!"

 

My father without looking up from his plate, said, "Aaah, the indisputable logic of the innocent mind! you can't argue with that!"

 

With regard to the remainder of your post - I can fully understand and equate with your problem, because i had a husband like this.

In the end, all you can do is to cultivate emotional independence, logical detachment and not let him have the final word on everything.

If you disagree with something, don't say nothing "for the quiet life".

You slowly become a doormat - and what's more, you teach your daughter to be that way too.

 

By the way.....I got my pudding....

[BetheButterfly]

forgive me but this made me smile a little...

I remember once pushing my half-finished plate away from me, and asking for my pudding. My mother replied that i could have dessert once i finished my meal... and I replied, "But mummy, if I finish my meal, won't have any room for pudding!"

 

My father without looking up from his plate, said, "Aaah, the indisputable logic of the innocent mind! you can't argue with that!"

 

With regard to the remainder of your post - I can fully understand and equate with your problem, because i had a husband like this.

In the end, all you can do is to cultivate emotional independence, logical detachment and not let him have the final word on everything.

If you disagree with something, don't say nothing "for the quiet life".

You slowly become a doormat - and what's more, you teach your daughter to be that way too.

 

By the way.....I got my pudding....

 

That is why I, as an adult, eat my dessert before my "good for you" food ha ha

 

I always had to eat all my vegetables first as a child. Now I delight in eating my dessert first! My Mom just smiles and shakes her head.

 

If my hubby and I ever have kids, we are debating if we should require our children to eat their good for you food first or not. My opinion is to have a tea time - around 3-4 pm, with tea and dessert! As painful as it is to me, I also think it'd be good for us to not have dessert as the finale to lunch or after dinner, but rather have "tea time" for a nice sized (not too big or teeny tiny) dessert.

 

Love your post lol. The logic is beautiful.

 

As for the advice to the OP, yes please don't make yourself to be a doormat. Please stand up for yourself, and maybe see about getting help for him to understand why he is so negative. Negativity is indeed a prison. Hopefully soon he can escape that prison and enjoy the sunshine!!!

 

Peace

Edited June 19, 2012 by BetheButterfly

[GLDheart]

It's hard to respect someone that interacts like a prick. Try an experiment called positive re-inforcement:

 

WAIT for something he actually does respond to right and genuinely thank him/reward him... you may just get him eating out of the palm of your hand :-)

 

If it doesnt work, so what? It might be worth a try.

[GLDheart]

If you're the reading type google this exactly as it's typed:

 

dont shoot the dog filetype: pdf

[Stillgrowing]

I can totally relate. My husband is very negative and it's starting to effect our children. That and other things have me looking at divorce. I hope you find s solution.

[Green Light]

OP, I sort of wish that I could be more like your husband. In my, now failed, marriage my wife was the "mean one." I had to shout just to be heard. She had this way of being so negative 24/7. And I'm not the most positive person but she would b***** about absolutely everything in her life. She is also a big time loner.