digdoug Posted June 29, 2004 Posted June 29, 2004 My wife and I have been married a year. She started acting strange recently. A few nights before my wife and I had gotten into an argument on our 1 year anniversary. If I knew what the argument was even about I would tell you, but it lead to her leaving and coming home around midnight. Keep in mind, she came home VERY HAPPY for someone who had a fight on their one year anniversary. She went out with her friend shopping and left me to clean the apartment. No prob, I don't mind. So I'm cleaning off the dinningroom table where clutter gathers all week and I find a note from her friend who works with her. In the note it says this... "I hope things with you and your husband workout, but if not and Rick is a good thing..hit it girl! Don't pass up any chances!" So my wife comes home from shopping and I act normal and wait until we are in bed that night to confront her. I told her I have 2 questions.... 1. What has been on your mind lately, that you keep thinking about? 2. Who is Rick????? her answers are... 1. work stuff 2. He's a guy at work I'm trying to hook my friend up with... Keep in mind we know lots of Ricks, so how she knew I was talking about the one she works with....... So I go onto quote the sentences in the note that bother me and she imeadiately says that she has know idea what her friend was writting about and that she is always writting run-on sentences(what a great lie!). So, I asl which dept. rick works in and she tells me and then she just gets silent and goes to sleep. So skip ahead 3 days and I'm putting money in my wifes purse for her and find a note reminding her that she has a gyno appointment for this wednsday @ 1:30pm with a doctor that is not her usual. If you knew our relationship, she always tels me when she's going to the doctor and usually requests that i come with her to the gyno, so i found it odd that even though we were there on 6/3/04 she is going back secretly again within the same month when htere was never another appoitment made. So skip ahead another few hours and I'm getting the checkbook and find...Rick's cell phone number on a small posted note folded about 30 times in a small checkbook pocket of her purse. I love my wife more than anything and it is going to kill me if i find out she is cheating or thinking of cheating or even that fact that she's planning the next guy if our marriage cant work after a fight we dont even know how it started???? any suggestions??? Since this rick guy is her co worker i dwell on things all day, like how lately her sex drive is through the roof and she wants to now try things she always turned me down on before. Even the fact that we live like a 2minute drive away from her office and they could easily go to our apartment to spend lunch "together". it's freaking me out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Debster Posted June 29, 2004 Posted June 29, 2004 You have these options: 1) Confront your wife with what you found. REalize she might be pissed you snooped. Ask her to end the relationship and go to counselling. 2) Open the channels of communication positively. You know when she has the appointment. ASk her what she is doing that day. See is she tells you herself. If not, then to me that would be a red flag. 3) Keep spying and try to catch your wife in lies/cheating. Come home from lunch etc. 4) Turn a blind eye. Realize that she may be cheating but that you can forgive her and will try to fix whatever it is. 5) Turn to outside sources. Do you know the friend that wrote the letter enough to ask her what she meant? Do you have friends of hers who are colleagues that you can VERY subtly ask about this guy Rick. Good luck and I hope you find the answer you want.
Bryanp Posted June 29, 2004 Posted June 29, 2004 Hello, I really feel sorry for you. If your wife is cheating on you (which it certainly sounds like) after only a year of marriage then you clearly made a mistake by marrying her. All of the signs you mentioned are classic signs of cheating. You continue to catch her in lies. Why would you wish to stay with someone who puts your health at risk for STD's and who has not even been married for a year. It is ridiculous for you to accept such humiliation and disrespect especially after being married for such a short time. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who can lie and cheat on you so easily? I wish you luck.
digdoug Posted June 29, 2004 Posted June 29, 2004 Originally posted by Debster You have these options: 1) Confront your wife with what you found. REalize she might be pissed you snooped. Ask her to end the relationship and go to counselling. 2) Open the channels of communication positively. You know when she has the appointment. ASk her what she is doing that day. See is she tells you herself. If not, then to me that would be a red flag. 3) Keep spying and try to catch your wife in lies/cheating. Come home from lunch etc. 4) Turn a blind eye. Realize that she may be cheating but that you can forgive her and will try to fix whatever it is. 5) Turn to outside sources. Do you know the friend that wrote the letter enough to ask her what she meant? Do you have friends of hers who are colleagues that you can VERY subtly ask about this guy Rick. Good luck and I hope you find the answer you want. Today at work I spoke about it to a female coworker/friend and she kinda snapped me back to reality a little. I called the doctors to "confirm" my wifes appointment, but they are closed until the actual supposed day of the appointment. I don't really know the friend who wrote the note well enough to ask about it. And I really don't know anybody that knows Rick at all. I checked her cell phone log and it showed no calls to his cell phone at all. maybe it was one of those things were she was feeling grouchy about the argument we had and he was around and offered his number as most guys seem to do to "help" women in relationships. I guess we'll see where this goes. I'm feeling better today, but I was up all night feeling anxious about teh situation.
DazednConfused Posted June 29, 2004 Posted June 29, 2004 Hi Doug, My situation was much like yours, and I made the mistake of letting her make me believe I was being crazy, overly protective, jealous, invading her privacy, etc. It is real easy to do when you don't want to believe what the signs are telling you. You say you are almost positive. Trust your gut instincts, and get the information you require as quickly as possible. If she stonewalls you, you will have to snoop until you have something concrete and unavoidable for confrontation. Just remember, you cannot fly off the handle until after she admits to you what is truly going on. This will have to come from her. The signs are there, but real proof is not at this point. In the meantime, be yourself, be her husband and open to any conversation she does start with you; chances are she wants to come clean and tell you everything, but is afraid of any number of factors. Try to prepare yourself for the worst (easier said than done), and come to terms with what you will want to do if the worst has happened. Be honest with yourself about how far you are willing to go to keep your wife, then do your best to keep your resolve through the emotional roller-coaster ride you will experience. If she is having an affair, and if she comes clean to you (probably won't happen without concrete evidence and confrontation), and if she wants to stay with you, and if she cuts all contact with the other man, and if she is willing to accept responsibility for her actions, and if you are willing to accept responsibility for some of the blame, and if you both avoid hasty decisions, and if you both are willing to give yourselves totally back to the marriage, then you will have a chance. My wife and I are exactly one month into recovery at this point, and it is never easy. Feel free to send me a private message if I can be of further help, I will be happy to. I wish you the best of luck, and I hope you don't need it.
coyotlboy Posted June 29, 2004 Posted June 29, 2004 Go talk to Rick at work. Call him (you've got his cell phone and work phone number, right?) and ask him if you could come in at some convenient time that day or the next (such as during the lunch hour, on a coffee break, whatever works with the kind of business they have) because you want to talk with him about his relationship with your wife. At the meeting, and very, very calmly, tell him you love your wife very much, and that you don't want anything to come between you and your wife. Ask him to keep a professional relationship with her, as they have to work together, but that you don't want him seeing her outside of work, talking on the phone after work, touching her, going out to lunch with her alone, and whatever other limits you want to set. Do not accuse him of going over any of these lines, just say that you are concerned that his relationship with your wife (use that word "Wife" as much as possible) has the potential for being a problem, and you believe that the right thing to do is to confront any problem early on and make sure that it doesn't become a bigger problem. Thank him for his time, and say that you'll hope that he respects your wishes. 99 out of 100 times, the Rick guy will deny that anything is going on, say everything has just been innocent, and say that of course he will respect your wishes (or tell you to F--- Off for suspecting him). If he is the 1 out of 100, then you have some proof to confront your wife with. Do not, under any circumstances, become physical in any way. If he tries to be physical with you, retreat. Do not allow him to provoke you with words. Do not allow the meeting to take place in a secluded place where the only two witnesses are you and him, unless the place is inside his personal office, and the co-workers see you go in (that's actually the perfect place to have this meeting.) If you end up threatening physical violence, suggesting physical violence, or even defending yourself when you could retreat, it will absolutely backfire and give him (and everyone else) a rationale for hating you and taking revenge on you through your wife. I think that this simple action has several beneficial effects: 1. Effect on Rick: I bet that this guy, somewhere inside, has a conscience. He probably knows she's married, but its a whole lot easier to ignore that when the spouse is a concept, not a real, living, breathing man. Every male out there knows there is nothing more dangerous than messing with another man's beloved wife, more dramatically so if the cheater is married too. He'll know that there's a man in this situation, and believe me, you'll be so keyed up that your intensity will be very obvious. 2. Effect on Wife: She'll realize, perhaps, that she's married to a man that is going to protect her, and the relationship, and that you'll do the unexpected and dramatic to do so. She'll be angry. She'll demand that you not make a scene and humiliate her at work (of course, she's already humiliating herself at work if she's being less than professional in her male-female relationships). She'll say that you are keeping her from having friendships with the people at work (of course, you're not, you're just requesting that they act like friends, not Special Friends). She'll know that you have clearly set boundaries of expected behavior, and have no excuse when she breaks them. She'll know that you stand up for yourself, actively confront what you don't accept, are not a doormat, and that she is married to a man with a backbone and little fear. 3. Effect on Co-workers: Believe me, they've never seen this before. They'll be amazed. They will understand that Wife is married to a man who does not accept improper work relationships involving his wife, and perhaps they'll not support her if she takes work relationships over the line. The workplace today is extremely aware of issues of sexual harassment and hostile work environment, and you need to use that paradigm in your favor. If she has already crossed the line of propriety somehow, you will redeem yourself from the humiliation you have suffered in front of these co-workers. 4. Effect on You: You will have taken direct action, and you will feel much better for it. One of the greatest sufferings of being cheated on is the powerlessness. This step is empowering yourself. Brave men see the need for action and take it, despite the chance for failure. Risks: You could foul it up and make a fool of yourself. You could drive any subsequent affair underground so that it would not be detectable. You could get your nose punched. Your wife could take this as an affront to her individuality and freedom and it could drive her away from you. It could push the problems in your marriage to a head. Good luck with whatever you decide. I know the hell you're going through, hang in there. I welcome and solicit the opinions of all others on this board.
reservoirdog1 Posted June 29, 2004 Posted June 29, 2004 It's true, cheaters will say some crazy sh*t when they're caught. In 2001, TBXW was out one night. I was on the computer, and found links to an email address I didn't know she had, chat room records, plus links to "philanderers.com". I confronted her on this when she got home. I was in school full time back then, and she said that she'd set up the name as bait to me, to see if I was cheating on HER. I didn't totally buy that, so I told her to look me in the eye and tell me if she'd ever cheated on me. She looked me in the eye and lied. I found out almost a year ago that she'd cheated a lot during the marriage. Including an 8-month affair that started about 6 weeks after the wedding. And that wasn't her first, or her last. At least you got your heads-up only a year into the marriage. It took seven years and two children for me to get mine. Cut your losses and run, dude. That woman will bring you nothing but misery.
Fritz Posted June 30, 2004 Posted June 30, 2004 I don't think I'd recommend talking to "Rick" at this point without solid evidence and too many things could go wrong in a confrontation with him. Check out <URL removed>
digdoug Posted July 14, 2004 Posted July 14, 2004 Originally posted by Monday so what have you done about it, doug? Well, this passed friday we had a huge blowout and I found that guy "Rick"s phone number in her recent calls on her cell phone. I confronted her and then was soo pissed I had to leave the apartment and gather my thoughts. I came back and she had written me a letter explaining that she did lie to me about Rick and that they are only talking. They discuss their relationship problems and nothing more. So I wrote her a letter back telling her she should talk to me about OUR problems and not some other guy. I told her I ahve been in "Rick's" shoes before and usually the guy uses the problems with the S/O to move in and make the S/O look liek an a**h*** so he can get what he wants, which would be her. So fast fwd 4 days we are better now. I get up this morning and go to grab the checkbook from ehr purse while she was in teh shower and found a note she had written and left in plain view on top of her purse....it said... "I need to know what you are looking for out of this situation. A one time booty call, a **** buddy or a serious kind of relationship." I got enraged and went into the bathroom while she was taking a shower and asked her what it was for and she calmly explained she was help her friend gather thoughts as to what this girlfriend of hers needs to find out from this guy she's been talking to. This time she didn't stumble with an obvious lie, didn't get pissed off and seemed fairly honest about it. Also, I don't think she would ahve left this in plain view ontop of her purse. She most likely would ahve given it to Rick before she left work if it was a note to him. She also told me to go ahead and cal her girlfriend and ask her about it and the guy it was for. I pulled the cell phone statements and his cell number was only on it that one time, so I'm still a little paranoid onyl because she lied to me the first time about it. I guess I will have to lay low and see if anything else odd pops up outta no where. Keep in mind our sex life has not diminished at all and she hasn't been working late or anything. I guess I'll ahve to wait and see... I
SoleMate Posted July 14, 2004 Posted July 14, 2004 I like coyotlboy's plan. It actually works great regardless of whether this is a full blown affair or just a borderline flirtation. Just stay calm and focus on saving your marriage if that is what you want. Next step: <URL removed> If you were both understanding and meeting each other's needs, Rick would not have a toehold.
digdoug Posted July 14, 2004 Posted July 14, 2004 Originally posted by SoleMate I like coyotlboy's plan. It actually works great regardless of whether this is a full blown affair or just a borderline flirtation. Just stay calm and focus on saving your marriage if that is what you want. Next step: <URL removed> If you were both understanding and meeting each other's needs, Rick would not have a toehold. The only problem is that will be one more thing to push my wife away from me and to him. If I go confront, Rick that will show her that I do not trust her(whether I do or not) and once again she will be mad at me and run to him for attention, if that was what has been happening.
jmsdmom Posted July 14, 2004 Posted July 14, 2004 Remember that part of your wife's job is to make you feel secure in your marriage. Your reactions and suspicions are totally normal given the circumstances. I'm not saying she's cheating, but she's certainly not "cherishing" the marriage as she promised she would. Also, if you don't confront it, it could get worse. I had indications that my husband was cheating and felt exactly the same way you do now. His mistress is due with their baby at the end of the month. You are not overreacting given the evidence you have displayed. She is either cheating on you, or you married a woman who doesn't care that her actions are causing you heartache. You should confront her on the basis of her insensitivity alone.
digdoug Posted July 14, 2004 Posted July 14, 2004 Originally posted by jmsdmom Remember that part of your wife's job is to make you feel secure in your marriage. Your reactions and suspicions are totally normal given the circumstances. I'm not saying she's cheating, but she's certainly not "cherishing" the marriage as she promised she would. Also, if you don't confront it, it could get worse. I had indications that my husband was cheating and felt exactly the same way you do now. His mistress is due with their baby at the end of the month. You are not overreacting given the evidence you have displayed. She is either cheating on you, or you married a woman who doesn't care that her actions are causing you heartache. You should confront her on the basis of her insensitivity alone. We have already talked about "her and rick" and she says that it is honestly ONLY a friendship thing where they can talk about their problems. Until I find Factual information that she is cheating I can't really prove anything unfortunately. my wife hasn't seemed nervious like she was when she was hiding their "friendship" from me.
DazednConfused Posted July 14, 2004 Posted July 14, 2004 Hi Doug, "We have already talked about "her and rick" and she says that it is honestly ONLY a friendship thing where they can talk about their problems." I just wanted to say that I have been where you are now, and I allowed myself to believe my wife when she said it was just a friendship. If she hasn't actually begun a sexual affair with Rick, you need to believe that they are both heading in that direction. If she is already recieving or giving emotional support that is bad enough, but it will escalate. She needs to know that it is innapropriate for him to share his problems with her and vice versa. My wife was doing the same thing, and then one day he kissed her. After that it became a full-blown emotional and sexual affair for months. Dude, if you hear anything anyone says, hear this: She must not continue this relationship with Rick in any form. You don't need proof of wrongful conduct to make an honest and heartfelt request that your wife discontinue this relationship, she should have enough respect for your feelings to do this for you. I bet she would expect the same from you if the shoes were reversed. Good luck.
Grinning Maniac Posted July 15, 2004 Posted July 15, 2004 Doug....are you retarded? Let's go over this. Your wife has a note from her FRIEND telling her to bang this guy if things aren't working out with YOU, and if "Rick is a good thing" and you actually believe her when she tells you the FRIEND is trying to hook up with him?! What a crock of ****. If the friend was interested in this Rick guy, why would she be telling your WIFE to get with him? That doesn't sound like a HUGE pile of **** to you? Come on. This, plus the fact that she lied to you about him in the first place should be putting up some red flags in your mind, Doug. If this was honestly a harmless friendship, why would she lie to you about any of it? Also, the fact that your wife has a friend that advocates her cheating on you because you have one argument doesn't sound good either. You seem to be just accepting whatever your wife tells you. I agree with a few of the other users that you should ask your wife to stop talking to this guy... But I doubt you have the stones.
jmsdmom Posted July 15, 2004 Posted July 15, 2004 Doug, What I'm telling you is what some others have said. I wanted to believe my husband, too. He and his "friend" are now having a baby!!!! She needs to respect you enough to leave this dude totally alone. What is more important to her, him or your feelings? I completely agree with dazednconfused and grinning maniac. Don't let her walk on you like this.
johan Posted July 15, 2004 Posted July 15, 2004 Maniac, I agree with you except for the "retarded" part and the "stones" part. I don't think he's retarded and I don't think it's a matter of stones. He's already confronted her. I think it's right to trust her to do the right thing. And I definitely think that her friendship with that other guy needs to go. It has to be her choice though, and not because it's freaking Doug out. She has to understand that building an emotional relationship with another guy, even if they never touch, is cheating. She has to admit to herself that that's what she's doing. Some people think it's ok if you never kiss or have sex, but it isn't. Those little "friendships" turn into monsters. I think the only reason she would be going outside the relationship would be for an emotional connection she might not be getting at home. So if you're worried about her messing around, you'd better check your connection. Women don't cheat because they are horny. At least decent, serious women don't. They go out to get their emotional needs met. They only get physical with a guy after they feel an emotional attachment. It's not enough to just confront her and tell her she'd better step up or else. You have to get her to open up to you, instead of to him. If you do that, she should drop him in a snap. If she doesn't, there really isn't anything else you can do about it. I'm not saying be a sensitive wuss. My grandfathers both are/were tough as hell. And they had marriages that lasted a lifetime. They always really listened to my grandmothers, and there was nothing macho about it. They weren't pushovers, they just respected their wives.
johan Posted July 15, 2004 Posted July 15, 2004 Whoa. I WAS a senior member. Guess I got demoted. I'll have to fix my signature.
digdoug Posted July 15, 2004 Posted July 15, 2004 Originally posted by johan Maniac, I agree with you except for the "retarded" part and the "stones" part. I don't think he's retarded and I don't think it's a matter of stones. He's already confronted her. I think it's right to trust her to do the right thing. And I definitely think that her friendship with that other guy needs to go. It has to be her choice though, and not because it's freaking Doug out. She has to understand that building an emotional relationship with another guy, even if they never touch, is cheating. She has to admit to herself that that's what she's doing. Some people think it's ok if you never kiss or have sex, but it isn't. Those little "friendships" turn into monsters. I think the only reason she would be going outside the relationship would be for an emotional connection she might not be getting at home. So if you're worried about her messing around, you'd better check your connection. Women don't cheat because they are horny. At least decent, serious women don't. They go out to get their emotional needs met. They only get physical with a guy after they feel an emotional attachment. It's not enough to just confront her and tell her she'd better step up or else. You have to get her to open up to you, instead of to him. If you do that, she should drop him in a snap. If she doesn't, there really isn't anything else you can do about it. I'm not saying be a sensitive wuss. My grandfathers both are/were tough as hell. And they had marriages that lasted a lifetime. They always really listened to my grandmothers, and there was nothing macho about it. They weren't pushovers, they just respected their wives. Thank you for your post. I agree with the emotional attachment part and that's why I have worked on my side of that lately. She mentioned in her letter that she misses the little things we did that showed our effection before we wee married, even somethign simple as writting a little note here and there. Last night we went to pick up her engagement ring from being repaired and they pretty much ruined it and she started to cry. she said that she didn't realize how much it ment to her until now that it is ruined and it made me feel good to know that it still means something to her. So this morning instead of finding a note in her purse, I left her a note telling her how much I love her and how much she means to me and completes my life. It was well received. )
Recommended Posts