My ex got someone else pregnant and now wants me back

[tootles]

So, well, wow, where do I start? At the beginning I guess. Um, my partner were together for around 4 years, met through a mutual friend and clicked straight away. It was a once in a lifetime connection, like I'd known him forever and I knew he was going to play a huge part in my life. We dated casually for 6 months before becoming exclusive. As far as I'm aware, despite being extremely attractive (and knowing it) he was faithful to me during our entire relationship. We separated 10 weeks ago as things weren't really going very well between us, (after living together our entire relationship, even while we were dating, I moved out about 9 months ago in an effort to try and break some bad habits between us) and we had both agreed that while we both still loved each other we needed some time to ourselves for a while as we are living very different lives at the moment. We had often both said over this 10 week period that we wanted to be together again at some point.

 

Now over this period, we have still been very good friends. We were speaking at least 4 times a week, and occasionally still sleeping together, etc. I have had the feeling for a couple of weeks now that he's been hiding something me though but just couldn't put my finger on what it was. Women's intuition, gotta love it...

 

So a week ago he rings me up saying he's in the hospital because he's hurt his back, can I please come pick him up and look after him for a couple of days until he is back on his feet? Of course I do, thinking to myself that I still love this man, he loves me and wants me to be there for him, I would like it if he did that for me, etc.

 

Day 3 into nursemaid duty and I get up early to make him breakfast in bed. sent him a text message telling him to wake up as breakfast was almost ready, but realise its on the coffee table when it goes buzzing away. So I think to myself, ok i'll just delete the text message and go in and wake him up. Go in, delete, and get the biggest shock of my life. The next message that pops up is from Claire, a mutual aquaintence also met through friends. The contents contained something along the lines of 'sorry, didn't mean to freak you out with talking about being a family... just want the best for our child... something else, blah blah blah' my mind has blocked the rest out from complete and utter shock. So of course my first reaction is to throw the phone at his head, which I did.

 

His first reaction was, what was I doing reading his messages (fair question, yes it was wrong of me, but i sure as hell don't regret it). Apparently it was only 1 time, they didn't wear a condom, he didn't ejaculate in her and he has known for around 2-3 weeks. The fetus is approx 6 weeks. They had initially planned to terminate, as my ex made it very clear that he did not want to bring a child into the world in this situation and he was not in love with her. however she later decided that she could not morally terminate a ball of cells and has decided she is keeping it, his level of involvement is up to him. He has said that he can not morally have no involvement with the child as he didn't have a father growing up. He has said however that it isn't what he wants and it has ruined his life.

 

He has said to me that the first thing that crossed his mind when he found out was me, as he knew how much it would hurt me and he didn't want to lose me. He has also said so other ludicrous things, my favourite being that it was my fault as he's a man and he has urges, he just wanted sex and I wasn't talking to him at the time, which is untrue by the way. He know wants to be with me again.

 

One interesting and convenient fact that I also like is that her visa runs out in a couple of months. She has said that if he doesn't want any involvement she will move back to england when her visa is up and never contact him again. I believe she may be trying to manipulate him into, well, many things.

 

Every sensible/logical/rational cell in my body is telling me to walk away from this situation as though none of them exist. But I still love him. He's the yin to my yang. And I hate myself for even thinking it, but can a relationship work in this situation? Has anyone been through this before? I have so many concerns. I don't even know if I could look at the child, knowing that this woman has stolen my dream of a normal future with him. This wasn't part of the plan!!!

 

Please has anyone got any advice on what to do? My head is just a whirlwind of questions and I'm lost! Is there anything else I should consider before making the decision to try and work this out?

[shayla]

Walk away from this, don't put yourself in unecessary pain. your ex made his choice, and he will have to live with that the rest of his life. You do not have to let this pull you into misery. Leave now.

[d'Arthez]

He is refusing to take moral responsibility for his actions, and has the audacity to hide the screw-ups from you? Why are you even contemplating keeping this guy around?

[Reddice]

He has also said so other ludicrous things, my favourite being that it was my fault as he's a man and he has urges, he just wanted sex and I wasn't talking to him at the time, which is untrue by the way.

 

Well, women have urges too. Would he be ok with it if you got pregnant by someone else?

 

 

He's the yin to my yang.

 

Quite obviously he isn't. He doesn't even have the decency to be honest with you.

 

 

She has said that if he doesn't want any involvement she will move back to england when her visa is up and never contact him again. I believe she may be trying to manipulate him into, well, many things.

 

Can you really blame her? She's looking out for herself as well.

 

 

I don't even know if I could look at the child, knowing that this woman has stolen my dream of a normal future with him. This wasn't part of the plan!!!

 

It was your BF who took your dream away, not this woman. It's not like she held a gun to his head and forced him to ejaculate inside of her. He chose to do so, knowing what the consequences could be. This man does not only have poor boundaries, but also no respect for you, your feelings or this other woman. It's up to you to decide if you'll stay with this man, though I would recommend you to find someone better.

[greenz]

I'll give you a more positive spin on things (maybe more positive). If he really is the yin to your yang, it will happen. I believe that it shouldn't happen for the next 18 years. If he really was a man, he would admit all these things to you, apologize for HIS screw ups and commit to being a father, regardless of whether or not he may lose you in the process. That's the right thing to do, period!

 

Of course, people can raise children while being divorced or separated, but not in this way. He would have to clean up his life and quit blaming others for any of his problems. He has to commit to being a father and being completely respectful to the mother if he is not going to "be" with her. He has to figure out what he wants and act responsibly. In my opinion, this will take time and you have to let him go to do it. He's screwed up badly and still not willing to take responsibility. Right now he's treating you like his mommy. As I said, it might happen and it may not take 18 years, but you need to back out completely from this mess and let him clean it up. In the meantime, you might meet the real yin to your yang.