LiLBxQt Posted June 29, 2004 Posted June 29, 2004 I have been with my bf for 3 1/2 yrs now. Recently, he's been stressing me out with this annoying habit & i was wondering if anyone has any advice or has gone through this before. I call it obsessive questioning. he overanalzyes every single word in a particular sentence & cannot drop the issue. And its always over something so stupid.. i'll give you an example.. we can be talking about anything and he'll say "well.. why did u say it like that... shouldn't you have said instead...but that doesn't make sense...if you said this, then you could mean this but why did you say it that other way?" This is probably not making sense to most of you, but I really cant explain it.. you would have to be there & see the stress he puts me through. I know its not me b/c he does it with his mother also. he wants to get help b/c he sees that i'm ready to pick up my things & go...I can't do it anymore... The questioning for today involved why I said the word "yeah" in the tone that I did. He thought I was yesing him to death meanwhile I didn't mean it like that. I told him I meant it a different way, yet he continued to argue that there's only one thing that my tone of "yeah" could have meant & that I must be lying to him. He cannot drop any issue & must argue about it literally for over an hour. Someone please help... I don't know how to deal with him anymore!
Thinkalot Posted June 29, 2004 Posted June 29, 2004 HI...I have posted many many threads about obsessive thinking/questioning...and OCD itself (obsessive compulsive disorder). The thing is...I AM THE ONE WHO DOES THE OBSESSING! It honestly sounds like your guy may need treatment to overcome this. It could be about control, insecurity...or just plan getting stuck on things, and obsessing. It's not fun. He probably doesnt like it either. I nearly lost my fiance because of it, but have been getting help, and am taking anti-depressants, specifically to help overcome obsessive thinking, and I am MUCH better. I started treatment around Christmas. Read up on OCD. It can be thoughts/questions etc, and doesn't just have to be about cleaning up and things. Have a look back through the Self Improvement section, and you'll find lots of stuff from me, with some good replies, outlining specific strategies to combat this exact problem. You are not alone! Neither is he! And it can be overcome. I also notice the WAY my fiance says things. I overanalyse. A therapist will help your guy understand the reasons behind him doing this. And perhaps, medication will right a possible imbalance in seratonin levels in his brain, which can make the questioning worse. Good luck.
Author LiLBxQt Posted June 29, 2004 Author Posted June 29, 2004 Thanks for the reply!! He told me if I found info on his problem to let him know so he could read up on it & try to get better... I've been tryin to find some self-help books on this, but I don't know exactly what to search for!! I'm actually a Psych major which is pretty ironic that i'm having probs tryin to help our own relationship! Any suggestion on specific prob-related books would really help me! I think it would help if we could better communicate with one another...I can't seem to relax when he gets like this & I just wish I could be calm and help him but it drives me up a wall!!
Thinkalot Posted June 29, 2004 Posted June 29, 2004 Hi. Do a search on OCD....or type in simply, obssesive thinking or something, and you should find some useful sites. It could also be about control/fear etc. I would suggest he books in to see someone. I've found CBT with meds, to be the go.
Stargazer25 Posted June 30, 2004 Posted June 30, 2004 [font=arial][/font] Well I wish I had helpful advice for you here girl~ My boyfriend is OBSESSED with my PAST relationships, we've been together for over a year and we fight about my PAST relationships all of the time. He can't or won't drop it EVER. He knows I don't like it, he knows it's upsetting to me, but he will NEVER let it go. I haven't any idea why he is like this, it's become abusive and has made me emotionally not well. I hope it gets better for you. Good Luck
Author LiLBxQt Posted June 30, 2004 Author Posted June 30, 2004 If you're in an abusive relationship, my suggestion to you would be to get out as soon as you can. Me & my ex bf of a year used to hit and punch each other all the time. You have to find a way to deal with these emotions in some other way. It is sooo damaging to a relationship!! I know from 1st hand experience how unhealthy it was... My current bf had a jealousy issue with my past but as time went on, it went away. It took a while though...
Thinkalot Posted June 30, 2004 Posted June 30, 2004 I've been so stuck on the past. It can be jealousy, insecurity, fear, ingrained beliefs and judgements being challenged, and the tendency to get stuck, or obsess on things. My fiance has also gone through a stage of being stuck on some things in my past. He got over it though. It is up to your bf to get over it, and not take it out on you. It might be hard for him, and your support will help, but it's up to him to take the first step, as it's HIS issue.
Stargazer25 Posted June 30, 2004 Posted June 30, 2004 [font=arial][/font] My boyfriend hasn't hit me, but he will not drop the issue of my past relationships. We fight about this to the point i'm in tears. It isn't that I've refused to tell him who I had been with and the number isn't big, it's that he is obsessed over it. I have never been unfaithful to him but he cannot say the same, it's that he says he can't stand the thought of me being with another guy ever. It's wierd because he questions me to the point it is uncomfortable and makes me so unhappy, I don't want or need to know every detail of his past relationships, but he won't stop asking me about mine. Lil, do you have any insight for me how to stop him from doing this? I cry about this all of the time, it's tearing me up with his jealousy and control issues.
Thinkalot Posted June 30, 2004 Posted June 30, 2004 He needs to speak to someone about this. It's very unfair to you. My fiance did see a counsellor , with me, to overcome his issues with my past. On the subject of obsessive thinking etc, here is a link: http://www.ocfoundation.org/
moimeme Posted June 30, 2004 Posted June 30, 2004 Stargazer, you have an abuser on your hands. Quit, please, trying to fix yourself or him and just leave. Please.
Author LiLBxQt Posted June 30, 2004 Author Posted June 30, 2004 Has he done this with every gf he's had?? If so, it might just be a part of his personality that you have to either choose to accept and find a way to deal with or leave. No guy is worth the tears of making you unhappy and uncomfortable. If you're set on staying with him, you have to work through this together as a couple... You have to give your all, but make sure he is willing to also. i quote you "it's that he says he can't stand the thought of me being with another guy ever" <~ This is a serious issue....if something should happen to your relationship with him, you might have a stalker on your hands... Of course no one wants to think of their significant other being with another person.. thats normal... but to take it to such an extent as you say he is doing, it completely not normal. I think you 2 should sit down and have a real conversation & get down to the bottom of why he is doing this. Make it known that you have him in your life to enhance yourself, not to bring yourself down!! Show him how unhappy he is making you by constantly doing what he's doing... If he does not care about your happiness enough to change, then you don't need him. Ultimately, you're the one who needs to be happy. You do what you have to do to make that happen!! I honestly don't think the answer is to always seek out a counsellor when times get rough. If the love is strong enough, you 2 can make the change on your own.
Good2Go Posted June 30, 2004 Posted June 30, 2004 Originally posted by moimeme Stargazer, you have an abuser on your hands. Quit, please, trying to fix yourself or him and just leave. Please. REALLY - this is the only advice you can take. Everything about fixing things is a waste of your time.
Author LiLBxQt Posted June 30, 2004 Author Posted June 30, 2004 I take back whatever I said to you stargazer... I just read your original post describing the whole situation & you need to get out right now... Don't wait any longer until something worse happens to you! In my opinion, I'd call him a piece of sh*t & leave his sorry a$$. B/c you're asking for the advice on here already shows that you're too good for him & you deserve a whole lot better! I hope everything works out for you!!
Stargazer25 Posted June 30, 2004 Posted June 30, 2004 [font=arial][/font] Thank you Lil~ I don't think i'll post here about it anymore~ I have had some really thoughtful people take thier time to help me get some perspective and I do appreciate it more than anyone of you can imagine~ I've found myself in a pretty awful place, that I really don't know how to be okay right now. Ugh I feel like an idiot right now, with tears running down my face~~ I wish this was solved as easy as it may look to so many, and I guess it really is my problem for being afraid. I wish you the very best Lil, and I hope to God it never gets as ugly for you with the obsessions as it has for me~ Anyway, thank you again.
Thinkalot Posted June 30, 2004 Posted June 30, 2004 Remember - take care of YOU. Noone should be allowed to make you feel awful and reduce you to tears all the time.
Thinkalot Posted June 30, 2004 Posted June 30, 2004 Stargazer...I just read your other post on abuse. Please leave this man. he can sort himself out. You need to go for your own well being.
Swamp Posted July 3, 2004 Posted July 3, 2004 LiLBxQT, How can you say that? You are here asking for advice on YOUR boyfriend, yet her's is a sorry ass because she is asking for advice on him here? That is completely hypocritical. If it was so easy for us to pick up our **** and leave the person we love, none of us would be here asking for advice. To tell StarGazer to simply "leave him," isn't fair. That isn't advice. She loves the guy. Yeah, she needs to put a serious foot in his ass to straighten him up, and MAYBE give him the ultimatum that if he doesn't leave it the hell alone she will cut him off. But she obviously wants to work with him and has found SOMETHING about him she loves. I am working on my own obsessive thinking. My girl was very exhausted and told me that things would be SO MUCH better if I just left stuff alone, didn't overanalyze, didn't obsess etc. So I am really working on it. The fact is, no one does this because they enjoy it. I am certain StarGazer's boyfriend would be totally receptive to help on this topic. It is a very difficult thing to overcome. He means no malicious ills by it though, i'm sure.
Author LiLBxQt Posted July 4, 2004 Author Posted July 4, 2004 The questioning is the least of her worries!! He degrades her... calls her names.... You have no idea what you're talkin about.... have you read her orginal thread that she started explaining her whole situation?!?! Shes in an abusive relationship...No ifs, ands, or buts....When a person makes you feel like you are worthless, you get up and leave. Yes, it will be hard, but she'll be better off without him!! I say shame on you if you decide to try to work things out with a person who makes you feel like you are nothing. They are not gonna change. Not in a million years. Best advice I could give is to take a break from each other & if he realizes he can't live without you and seriously wants to change, then give him a shot.... Even though it seems like he doesn't even care that much about her!!!!!
Stargazer25 Posted July 4, 2004 Posted July 4, 2004 Well, that is exactly where we're at right now~ It's day 3 now, since I told him I won't allow him to abuse me anymore. He of course denys that he has or did, but it's all part of his sickness, not mine. So unless or until he gets help (and I don't see it happening) I cannot be in his life.
moimeme Posted July 4, 2004 Posted July 4, 2004 To tell StarGazer to simply "leave him," isn't fair. That isn't advice. She loves the guy. Yeah, she needs to put a serious foot in his ass to straighten him up, and MAYBE give him the ultimatum that if he doesn't leave it the hell alone she will cut him off I am certain StarGazer's boyfriend would be totally receptive to help on this topic. It is a very difficult thing to overcome. I have to concur with LiLBxQt here. This guy isn't just obsessive - that would be fine and we'd all be suggesting ways she could cope. He's controlling and abusive and that's a whole other story. You don't stay with that type. IF he gets help and demonstrates, after that (and I'm talking a couple of years from now) that he has changed, then perhaps but not before.
Author LiLBxQt Posted July 4, 2004 Author Posted July 4, 2004 I'm very happy for you star.... I think you're making a very smart decision... I'm behind you 110%!
Swamp Posted July 5, 2004 Posted July 5, 2004 I stand very corrected, and I apologize for the rebuttal without researching. I just read the other posts and yes, definitely leave or take control and put your foot down.
LikkleMissConfused Posted July 5, 2004 Posted July 5, 2004 If this is the same guy that you posted abuse about them think girl. I have been there been kind and caring thinking it was me but the guy will eat every sweet part of you up. I left it for five years before I left. My ex used to call me a whore, bitch liar. It always gets worse. Please leave him you deserve a lot more.
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