Compatability v. Superficiality

[Christine52]

You should have common values with the person.

 

Values does not necessarily equal shared interests, though they may play a part.

 

These are important values you should share:

1. Views on family

2. Views on religion and politics

3. Views on work/life balance

4. Views on money/financial goals

5. Views on how many children (if any) you want to have.

6. Views on how you want your life to be 10 years from now.

 

THESE are the make-it or break-it factors in a relationship. NOT do you like music, golfing, art. THOSE are superficial, and is precisely why the old adage "opposites attract" is still used commonly today.

[Mr Scorpio]

And you didn't answer my question about change. What if you change your interests? Does the relationship automatically fall apart?

 

I suppose I'm not sure how to answer that because I honestly don't think that my interests have changed, at all, over the last 10-12 years. I will concede to your point that I have found activities that wouldn't normally be fun were fun with the right person.

 

I guess that is another one -- of the many -- hangups I have in trying to find a new relationship. I more-or-less idolized my ex for her positive traits and all the things we had in common, and I am skeptical that I'd ever find such a match again. I know I won't if I don't at least try (although my therapist suggests I don't even try at this point due to school).

 

It just seems like there are so many obstacles to overcome: building up the self-esteem, figuring out a way to approach a person, finding the right person (the hardest step), hoping they reciprocate, and then working on the relationship to make it last.

 

Unfortunately (it seems) for me, the only relationship I had grew out of a long-term platonic friendship. So the first three steps were already taken care of. My ex already knew my positives, so she was willing to look past my negatives. Now? I don't see how a woman could.

 

Nonetheless, thanks for your replies.

[Mr Scorpio]

Yea. The type of things you're thinking about ... music and video games ... mostly things that younger people think about.

 

When you get a little bit older and in your 30s, compatibility will more be based on things like life goals, disposition, and what type of social crowd you hang out with.

 

This is what I see when I look at my married friends.

 

Common interests can be ironed out. Most people are fairly flexible when it comes to trying new things.

 

Perhaps I should have noted that I'm already in my 30s? As was my ex when we last dated. I agree, life goals and disposition are huge factors in long-term success, IMO. And on those levels we matched, at least the 2nd time around.

 

But from what people have been saying, I agree that activities which in-and-of themselves might not have been my favorite would/could become enjoyable in the presence of the right person.

 

So, I guess common interests "should" simply be a gateway to taking an interest to someone, after-which you find discover their life-goals and disposition, and if it is a match, take it from there.

[Mr Scorpio]

You should have common values with the person.

 

Values does not necessarily equal shared interests, though they may play a part.

 

These are important values you should share:

1. Views on family

2. Views on religion and politics

3. Views on work/life balance

4. Views on money/financial goals

5. Views on how many children (if any) you want to have.

6. Views on how you want your life to be 10 years from now.

 

THESE are the make-it or break-it factors in a relationship. NOT do you like music, golfing, art. THOSE are superficial, and is precisely why the old adage "opposites attract" is still used commonly today.

 

I agree with everything you said above. But I think those things speak to the success of the relatonship and not necessarily the enjoyment of it.

 

So, I find a woman who wants to have a family, is a liberal athiest, has a career but doesn't want to work 60 hours a week, wants to save money for "big ticket items" like vacations, wants 2.7 children and wants life to be happy in 10 years from now.

 

Then, Friday rolls around, and she wants to go out to T.G. McFlannigan's for happy-hour with her female co-workers, and I want to play a game of chess and drink some wine. She storms off to the pub, angry that I won't come along because I think her co-workers are boring, while I feel guilty for not compromising the use of my limited freetime for the sake of the relationship.

 

I guess to that end it is all about compromise?

[jobaba]

Perhaps I should have noted that I'm already in my 30s? As was my ex when we last dated. I agree, life goals and disposition are huge factors in long-term success, IMO. And on those levels we matched, at least the 2nd time around.

 

But from what people have been saying, I agree that activities which in-and-of themselves might not have been my favorite would/could become enjoyable in the presence of the right person.

 

So, I guess common interests "should" simply be a gateway to taking an interest to someone, after-which you find discover their life-goals and disposition, and if it is a match, take it from there.

 

Haha. Oops. The video games threw me off.

 

I have many interests and it would be great to find a woman who shared a lot of them AND had good character AND was into me. But that's a tall order.

[zengirl]

Then, Friday rolls around, and she wants to go out to T.G. McFlannigan's for happy-hour with her female co-workers, and I want to play a game of chess and drink some wine. She storms off to the pub, angry that I won't come along because I think her co-workers are boring, while I feel guilty for not compromising the use of my limited freetime for the sake of the relationship.

 

I guess to that end it is all about compromise?

 

Well, yes, compromise. I mean, if that's EVERY Friday night where you both have exactly opposite things in mind, and plenty of other nights of the week, too, then it's probably a bad fit. But if you also refuse to compromise on what you're doing a Friday night every ONCE AND AWHILE, then that's probably pretty limiting.

[aj22one]

I agree with everything you said above. But I think those things speak to the success of the relatonship and not necessarily the enjoyment of it.

 

So, I find a woman who wants to have a family, is a liberal athiest, has a career but doesn't want to work 60 hours a week, wants to save money for "big ticket items" like vacations, wants 2.7 children and wants life to be happy in 10 years from now.

 

Then, Friday rolls around, and she wants to go out to T.G. McFlannigan's for happy-hour with her female co-workers, and I want to play a game of chess and drink some wine. She storms off to the pub, angry that I won't come along because I think her co-workers are boring, while I feel guilty for not compromising the use of my limited freetime for the sake of the relationship.

 

I guess to that end it is all about compromise?

 

When you care about someone you'll do things with them you wouldn't normally do on your own. Not necessarily all the time but often enough.

 

For example my wife likes sports but not basketball. Yesterday she sat and watched game 1 of the finals with me. She couldve ran off into another room and did something else. She didnt though, and I enjoyed her company. Next time she wants to watch soccer or something, I'll watch with her. I wont blow off a prior commitment for it but I won't say ew soccer's boring and go away somewhere haha.

 

Maybe thats compromise, but I think it's caring about each other.

 

edit: zengirl beat me to the punch haha

[Christine52]

But don't make the mistake of pretending you like something you don't. This can lead to resentment and bitterness, as I've witnessed countless times before. Be honest with them if one or more of their hobbies/interests isn't really up your alley, but then be kind to them and say that you enjoy spending time with them anyway, and would love to accompany them.

 

What you can do is something like this - go to the ballet with her, or whatever it is she wants to do but you don't; then, next weekend, do something you want to do. If you two genuinely care about each other, this won't bother neither of you because you are just happy being in their presence.

 

Seeing you happy should make her happy and vice versa.

[Christine52]

I agree with everything you said above. But I think those things speak to the success of the relatonship and not necessarily the enjoyment of it.

 

 

Yes, that is true. My post was more about the success of the relationship.

 

my boyfriends have always hated going shopping with me. And I always hated going to computer stores with them lol.

 

HOWEVER, I LOVED going to computer stores with THEM. I hated the computer store, but just being in there with them made me so happy. Seeing them smile when they see that new hardrive makes me happy. That is how I was able to do that once a week without complaint. And they loved me for it. I would tell them openly I hated Canada Computers, but then I would tell them how they make me laugh with their cute seriousness as they browse through the new computer gear or whatever you call it.

 

Of course you will have mutual shared interests, but it's okay if there's some divergent ones as well. Those can actually make conversations interesting, as I'm sure JUST talking about your own interests all the time can be quite boring.

[Titania22]

I suppose I'm not sure how to answer that because I honestly don't think that my interests have changed, at all, over the last 10-12 years. I will concede to your point that I have found activities that wouldn't normally be fun were fun with the right person.

 

I guess that is another one -- of the many -- hangups I have in trying to find a new relationship. I more-or-less idolized my ex for her positive traits and all the things we had in common, and I am skeptical that I'd ever find such a match again. I know I won't if I don't at least try (although my therapist suggests I don't even try at this point due to school).

 

It just seems like there are so many obstacles to overcome: building up the self-esteem, figuring out a way to approach a person, finding the right person (the hardest step), hoping they reciprocate, and then working on the relationship to make it last.

 

Unfortunately (it seems) for me, the only relationship I had grew out of a long-term platonic friendship. So the first three steps were already taken care of. My ex already knew my positives, so she was willing to look past my negatives. Now? I don't see how a woman could.

 

Nonetheless, thanks for your replies.

 

I really understand, as I am older too, and feel I know myself and what I enjoy very well. To me it is often seems easier to be single and feel free to enjoy doing what I want when I want. In the end I guess it depends how important having a relationship is to you, with how many points of commonality and compromise you are willing to concede with.

 

Good luck to you.

 

@Jobaba Maybe you could be a little less ageist when it comes to video games. Gaming forever!!!

[Mr Scorpio]

Haha. Oops. The video games threw me off.

 

I have many interests and it would be great to find a woman who shared a lot of them AND had good character AND was into me. But that's a tall order.

 

Such is the problem I am facing. Not only did I find such a woman, but we were friends for fourteen years before we started dating. Add to that that, once I fell for her, I discovered we had many random, quirky (e.g. superficial) interests/memories of things. We clicked in the "finishing each other's sentences" way. The "how did you know I wanted that for lunch?" way. And who knows? I live in a metro area of over a million people, so there could very well be someone else out there with many of the similar traits.

 

And yet, I was dumped by this woman, twice. So, obviously we had different opinions about what made for happiness in a relationship. Not to mention that the communication-style was probably terrible, thus explaining why we never had a fight.

 

Point being, part of me fears that even if I did overcome my insecurity and find someone whom I was interested in and whom reciprocated, that I might sabotage the relationship via comparison to my old relationship, and an intolerance/impatience of compromising when I've had a relationship where it didnt have to be that way because the compatability was to the nth degree.

[Mr Scorpio]

I really understand, as I am older too, and feel I know myself and what I enjoy very well. To me it is often seems easier to be single and feel free to enjoy doing what I want when I want. In the end I guess it depends how important having a relationship is to you, with how many points of commonality and compromise you are willing to concede with.

 

I certainly agree that it is "easier" to be single and feel free to enjoy doing what I want when I want. But then come the moments when I want to cuddle, or cook a romantic meal for someone, or buy someone a special gift. Most of all, I want to make memories worth remembering with someone that I love.

 

And I don't think it is so much a matter of how much I'm willing to concede -- although I admit based on my previous posts it sounds like that -- but rather my question is whether or not such commonalities are a strong foundation for a happy (i.e. -- successful relationship).

 

My case was unique, I think, in that my ex didn't have a large social circle. And thus, every Friday and Saturday was us together. If that situation were different, and I had more "me time", then I'd be more flexible in temrs of what I compromied on.

 

In the end, it may be a moot point, as I really don't picture myself ever getting over my ex. I didn't start dating her until 26, so being single was the default for me. I just know that I dont want the rest of my life to be this way, thus the thread.

 

Nevertheless, thank you for the response and the well-wishing. Good luck to you as well!

[notalady]

Those sound like great things to look for in a relationship. What I'm hung up on is, without the externalities, what do you do as a couple? Are we assuming that the open-minded and curious aspects take care of the difference in externalities?

 

That is what I'm hung up on. I assume my relationship with my ex worked so well, before it ended, because we enjoyed similar things. I could meet an optimistic, open-minded, curious and thoughtful woman with a nice butt -- but if she wanted to spend the weekends playing softball and camping while I wanted to play poker with friends and then watch cheesy late-night television, I don't see that working long-term. Someone would always be sacrificing.

 

You can both discover new hobbies together, and you can try doing things she likes and vice versa. I'm sure you can find at least ONE thing that you both enjoy and can do together right? Surely....

 

It is not likely you'd meet someone that has absolutely everything in common with you, but it's also not likely you'd meet (and fall in love with) someone that you have absolutely nothing in common! Plus being together for long enough you'd have to have developed some similar interests and things you like to do together.

 

I tend to agree the internalities and externalities theory. It's fundamental differences or similarities in the "internalities" that drive people apart or keep them together, not the externalities. I'd consider those things deal breakers / makers, not hobbies.

[MrCastle]

I don't think those things are superficial at all. You as the individual must decide what qualities are important in your mate.

 

Maybe for others, musical tastes are not that big of a deal, but if music is your whole life, or at the very least, a big part of it, yes, you would prefer someone who has the same tastes as you, so you can connect with it, and go to concerts together and have an equal level of enjoyment as opposed to one party sacrificing to go there but deep down doesn't care for the experience at all.

 

I think the only time you can label something superficial is when it comes to physical requirements.

 

All the other stuff mentioned in here are things directly tied to a person's interests and personality--stuff you're going to want to have in common.

[Negative Nancy]

I am higher strung and uptight, and tend to stress over things

 

 

Who would've thought.....