Mr Scorpio Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 A friend and I were discussing relationships last night. He noted that his brother, who never dates, restricts himself by holding out for a non-existance woman who is compatable with him in everyway. He wants someone who plays video games, who enjoys the same music, etc. I, who also never date, countered with the fact that, my ex and I had that degree of compatability. We enjoyed the same music, had the same views on politics and religion. Hell, we even both loved playing vintage video-games on her Intellivision. His response was that, while that kind of commonality is nice, those sorts of things are entirely superficial in regard to the quality of a relationship. He said that he and his wife had none of those sorts of things in common. In my mind, those sorts of commonalities are the foundation that a relationship is built upon. If my partner doesn't share my political views, we are bound to argue, something my ex and I never did. If my partner doesn't like the same music that I do, then they aren't going to want to share concerts/festivals with me, which is a one of my favorite activities. What say you LS community? Do these things matter? If so, to what degree? If not, then what the heck do you do together as a couple?
Els Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 I do think those things matter to a large degree. So IMO, there must be significant overlap, but that is different from saying that 'he must be compatible with me in EVERY way'. I think almost every LT couple will attest to having differences with their partners. You can't possibly be with someone who likes exactly the same food, same music, same shows, same hobbies, same workouts... that isn't being with a partner, that's being with a clone. Even if it were possible, I doubt it'd be satisfying. 1
LittlePrince Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 Having the same hobbies, interests, and views have nothing to do with how well two people are together. They aren't actually important and can often distract from key flaws in the relationship. 2
SJC2008 Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 Commuication style, personality and some or a fair share of similar interests should be enough for compatibility. It's ok and good to have some different hobbies, especially when it's me time!
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 My ex and me had nearly 100% overlap in interests and hobbies. However, we had some major fundamental differences in communications styles, needs for privacy/time apart and just about everything else that is not immediately obvious. My parents have been married for 30 years and perhaps have about 20% overlap in those things i.e. common interests and hobbies (at most). Yes, I do think that these things are superficial to a large degree.
EasyHeart Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 I don't think that things like hobbies, musical tastes, political beliefs, etc. matter at all. Those are things you do with friends. I'm looking for a wife/girlfriend, not a buddy to hang out with. Heck, if I only dated women who shared my musical tastes, I'd be a 50 year old virgin. I think of it in terms of internalities and externalities. Externalities are the sorts of things that you mentioned and they arise in our lives mostly by chance and coincidence. And they change a lot, too. I don't listen to the same music that I listened to ten years ago, nor do I have the same hobbies. My politics have changed over time, too, and to some extent my religious beliefs. People change and part of the fun of relationships is being exposed to new things and new ideas and developing new things that you have in common. Internalities are your basic morals and beliefs, and they generally don't change. I look for women who are optimistic, open-minded, curious and thoughtful. (and have a nice butt). If I can find that, the rest takes care of itself. 2
Author Mr Scorpio Posted June 10, 2012 Author Posted June 10, 2012 Having the same hobbies, interests, and views have nothing to do with how well two people are together. They aren't actually important and can often distract from key flaws in the relationship. In what ways do you find this to be the case?
Author Mr Scorpio Posted June 10, 2012 Author Posted June 10, 2012 Internalities are your basic morals and beliefs, and they generally don't change. I look for women who are optimistic, open-minded, curious and thoughtful. (and have a nice butt). If I can find that, the rest takes care of itself. Those sound like great things to look for in a relationship. What I'm hung up on is, without the externalities, what do you do as a couple? Are we assuming that the open-minded and curious aspects take care of the difference in externalities? That is what I'm hung up on. I assume my relationship with my ex worked so well, before it ended, because we enjoyed similar things. I could meet an optimistic, open-minded, curious and thoughtful woman with a nice butt -- but if she wanted to spend the weekends playing softball and camping while I wanted to play poker with friends and then watch cheesy late-night television, I don't see that working long-term. Someone would always be sacrificing.
irin Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 my parent have been married for 30 years. they follow entirely two different religious beliefs, support two different political movements. dont really have any hobbies in common. but they share the same view when it comes to life, and the choices they make. personally i dont understand the video game thing? its a waste of time and its addictive id rather spend my time working on my self learn something add to my intellectuals. i wouldnt be against a guy playing it. why on earth would that be a deal-breaker?
Bristolius Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 Those sound like great things to look for in a relationship. What I'm hung up on is, without the externalities, what do you do as a couple? Are we assuming that the open-minded and curious aspects take care of the difference in externalities? That is what I'm hung up on. I assume my relationship with my ex worked so well, before it ended, because we enjoyed similar things. I could meet an optimistic, open-minded, curious and thoughtful woman with a nice butt -- but if she wanted to spend the weekends playing softball and camping while I wanted to play poker with friends and then watch cheesy late-night television, I don't see that working long-term. Someone would always be sacrificing. Learning and doing something new is sacrificing? 1
Els Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 Learning and doing something new is sacrificing? Doing something you're not interested in just because your partner is, is sacrificing. As to the OP's question about what people without shared interests do on weekends, well, I think the amount of time people spend with their partners varies as well. Some couples are happy to just go out together for a dinner, movie and drinks on Saturday night, then he spends Sunday playing sports with his friends and she spends it pursuing her own interests, etc. In that case, I definitely don't think having similar hobbies is an important thing to them, because they don't need to spend that much time together that they struggle to think of what to do other than 'date night out' stuff. Personally, I prefer to spend more time with a partner, so some overlap in interests really matters, because there is only so much 'date-y' stuff you can do together.
Author Mr Scorpio Posted June 11, 2012 Author Posted June 11, 2012 personally i dont understand the video game thing? its a waste of time and its addictive id rather spend my time working on my self learn something add to my intellectuals. i wouldnt be against a guy playing it. why on earth would that be a deal-breaker? In no way do I mean to imply that it would be a deal-breaker. That would be absurd. And of ourse spending time working on oneself/learning something new is always good. But being able to come home from a long-day and just chillin' with my ex and playing Mario Kart -- and knowing that we both enjoyed it -- was a nice way to unwind. This is opposed to some couples I know who hardly interact at all: gal watches 'American Idol' while the guy follows fantasy sports on his smart-phone. In my mind, that creates a rift.
ATrainofAngels Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 Do what I do - listen to every genre of music and have a million hobbies I can connect with every kind of person imaginable. I'm into 50 different genres of music, cooking, sports, videogames, movies, working out, pretty much everything really
Author Mr Scorpio Posted June 11, 2012 Author Posted June 11, 2012 Learning and doing something new is sacrificing? Sacrificing might be too strong of a word, but I think the point is valid. For example, my ex loved to play poker, whether it was just the two of us or amongst mutual friends. So, if I were with someone who hated it, that leads to one of three possibilities: 1) I miss out on doing something I enjoy and overtime harbor resentment, 2) she comes along and has a lousy time, 3) I go alone and we don't spend time together and I feel guilty. So when you add to that playing board games, video games, visiting book stores and antique shops, going to music festivals, watching terrible movies so we could mock them, playing music together, enjoying the same cheesy 80's programs, etc, etc, there were rarely ever any moments where we weren't doing something that both of us enjoyed. See, in my mind, a successful long-term relationship is built on a foundation of friendship. In turn, friendship is built on common interests. I don't much care how attractive/smart/funny a person is if I don't enjoy spending time with them because they'd rather go shopping and watch reality TV than do things that I enjoy.
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 This is a category where many people become confused and I find it common to see many people with little relationship experience and understanding have the longest lists of compatibilities and what is required, because a person with experience will know that in the scheme of a relationship many of these things will not keep a relationship together. I also have noticed that people who seem to date friends or people that have a lot in common with themselves seem to stick to that motto, but personally I have never done so because my requirements are more intwined with passion, romance, and chemistry not interests and hobbies. However what I do feel is substantial is compatibility and compromise. Throughout a relationship what comes down it's longevity is whether two people can communication and compromise, working their way through difficulties of a relationship that always come up. For some relationships this is a smoother process for others they hit a wall of disagreement, which in turn becomes misunderstanding, then resentment, then blame and disconnect. Compatability is not whether you just both like tv or video games, festivals or what not....its how well your personality meshes with anothers. For example If you are very high strung and stressed it would be a great benefit to be with person who is calm and poised...If you are aggressive and emotionaly it pays to be with someonewho is more level headed and objective. There is a balance between two people when they are together, it's like two pieces of the puzzle, how well do they fit together? Most people overlook these important factors for the sake of money, looks, security, loneliness, the list goes on andon...and some of those things are more desirable than others to people but people really overlook or lack the understanding of what really makes a relationship work. It's good to have similar hobbies and interests but those will mainly be perks and there are definitely some major onesto consider....for example if one person enjoys the outdoors, or traveling,the other likes to stay in and watch tv, or hates the outdoors or physical activity where someone else finds it to be a very passionate endeavor, in the frame of that those will definitely be situations where there wont be compromise, one person will have to settle for the likes of the other...which usually means the woman, because a woman will typically give up a lot to be with a man for some reason where as a man may not judge out of pride. So although interests and commonalities are important, it only applies to how it affects the personalities as a whole, too much difference in two people can just lead to a marriage where two people do their own things separately andat least for myself on the what's important to me and the big things I'd like to match those up, but I wouldn't nit pick down a long list...afterall I'm trying to marry a friend, and funny enough my friendsare pretty different in lots of ways in terms ofinterest but we still find common ground. 2
zengirl Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 Generally speaking, I think common hobbies, etc, are fairly superficial indicators of the health of a relationship. That doesn't mean it's not important to have some for many people --- a lot of that will depend on the kind of relationship you want, how much time you want to spend with the person, how many shared activities, etc. But they are certainly less telling and important than deeper indicators. For instance, the ex-BF I had before my husband had much more in common with me on those shallow levels: All the same foods, TV shows, video games, music, etc. Hubby and I have some commonalities in those things and some differences, but we have MUCH more in common on a deeper level in the way we see the world. That sort of thing matters much more. Wanting someone with identical interests seems extreme. The exception I see in the main post are politics --- for me, my politics mostly stem from deeply held convictions that define how I view the world. A common WORLDVIEW --- common enough at least, not necessarily identical --- is not at all superficial and is crucial to compatibility. That doesn't mean someone who necessarily agrees with every aspect of your worldview or political view or spiritual view, but differences there can be closer to problematic than simply liking dissimilar music. . . Then again, for some people they let their hobbies infest their core values, too. I think when you let TOO much become a value issue, you make quite an uncomfortable world for yourself. But some do it. So, I'd say it's a matter of balance. Yes, you need some things in common, but what's really needed are deeper things in common. Though for some people, hobbies in common are important too --- I suppose it depends how your hobbies fit into your worldview. Expecting a woman who quotes lines from your favorite movie, listens to all the same music, etc, etc, is often the hallmark of a very immature guy though, IME. The same can be true for women, though I haven't dated women or noticed the expectation to have similar hobbies as much from my female friends, especially those with non-male hobbies. I've never known a girl who expected men she dated be into scrapbooking or Sex and the City or whatever.
Titania22 Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 So when you add to that playing board games, video games, visiting book stores and antique shops, going to music festivals, watching terrible movies so we could mock them, playing music together, enjoying the same cheesy 80's programs, etc, etc, there were rarely ever any moments where we weren't doing something that both of us enjoyed. My question is, do you think you will enjoy doing these things year in year out for the rest of your life? What if you found someone now who enjoyed doing those thing, and one day you are just sick of tired of those past-time, or something else grabs your attention, do you expect your partner will automatically lose interest in things and get new interests on the same schedule as you? Even just under the banner of gaming, there are so many types of games, what if she only like RTS, and and you like all types of games, but lose interest in each one after a week (i.e. always looking for something new)? Technically you would both be gamers, but still incompatible in terms of interests. Alternatively, since in theory you would both enjoy doing the same things now, does that mean you both feel restricted from growing and changing as time goes on? Personally my best relationships these days are with my kids, and what makes them so good, is that we can be happy being in the same house doing our own things, knowing that we aren't alone, and then at other times have lots of fun doing things together. We don't force it. If there is something we all feel like doing (watching an anime, or playing a game, etc) we do it, but if we aren't all in that mood, we do our own things. Everyone is happy, feels loved, but without the pressure or guilt. If I ever have another relationship, I would like it to work in the same way. It seems happier for everyone. 1
Author Mr Scorpio Posted June 13, 2012 Author Posted June 13, 2012 My question is, do you think you will enjoy doing these things year in year out for the rest of your life? What if you found someone now who enjoyed doing those thing, and one day you are just sick of tired of those past-time, or something else grabs your attention, do you expect your partner will automatically lose interest in things and get new interests on the same schedule as you? I think you raise valid points, as have others who pointed towards "internalities", communication-styles, and world-views. Nevertheless, one of my hangups in attempting to find an new relationship is the issue of how we would spend our time together. Over-analytical? Probably. Acting as a shield against the fear of rejection? I honestly don't think so. Rather, I think it is a matter of picturing how the day-to-day functioning of a relationship would go without a litany of common interests. What I miss most about having a relationship in general is creating moments worth remembering. A romantic sunset, a spontaneously funny event, the "inside language" that couples share. Yet, I suppose I fear that, on the average, such moments may be few and far inbetween that the enjoyment of the relationship would get buried in the monotony of spending time bored with someone who doesnt enjoy the same things that I do. With my ex, this wasn't a problem, because we had a half-dozen fall-backs to turn an ordinary Friday night into a fun time. I guess I don't understand how communication-style, worldview, etc allow two people to enjoy each other's company in and of themselves. I think my ex and I had these things, but they served to enhance our enjoyment of the time we spent together. Time spent doing things we both enjoyed. So, if two people have similar communication style but little-to-nothing in common, where is the fun in that? I don't intend to question the validity of the approach, I just want to better understand it.
d'Arthez Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 I guess I don't understand how communication-style, worldview, etc allow two people to enjoy each other's company in and of themselves. I think my ex and I had these things, but they served to enhance our enjoyment of the time we spent together. Time spent doing things we both enjoyed. Similarity in the way you relate to the world (or at least understand it) is important, because otherwise you will struggle to understand each other. This does not necessarily mean you have to agree on political issues, or anything like that. It does mean you have to be on the same page on what the important things in life are, what defines success etc.. If someone defines success as moving up the corporate ladder and making $250 k / year minimum, when you yourself define success in a completely different matter, good luck keeping the relationship going. Once you run into a problem you need to be able to solve it quickly and efficiently, with both people on the same page. Does not mean necessarily having the same communicative style, but certainly it means you and your partner need to have communication styles that are compatible. This is even more important for the bad times than the good. Sure, it helps if you have some things in common. Don't make another person your whole life. And that is exactly what people with 100% interest match risk of doing - also in the case of a breakup, or relationship issues, you constantly run into your SO, or people who wonder what the bleep is up. You need to have some time in which your partner is not around as well. Whether that is "alone time" or "me time", is perhaps mostly a matter of personal preference.
Titania22 Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 Maybe a potential partner doesn't know she would enjoy the things you do, because she hasn't done them before. Maybe you don't know if you enjoy thing she enjoys for the same reason. Obviously you aren't going to spend time with someone getting to the relationship phase if you are not enjoying that time. So the problem seems moot to me. If you are in a relationship with someone, you obviously enjoyed each others company enough to get to that point. But I agree with d'Arthez, you don't need 100% crossover in interests. A relationship should be as much an opportunity to grow and expands your horizons as anything else is. And you didn't answer my question about change. What if you change your interests? Does the relationship automatically fall apart? I understand though where you are coming from, I find musical taste to be a real challenge in a relationship. Because there are always times we would like to play our music out loud, whether in the house or on a long road trip, and it can be really hard when you hate each others music. I guess we can be thankful now in the 21st century where we have the opportunity to have personal mp3's and iPods. Also I have found that with the right person, an activity I wouldn't normally enjoy can be fun, and with the wrong person the best activity can suck. I dug a ditch with my last boyfriend in the backyard to save $1000, and there was no way I was going to stay inside while he did the work, because even though my effort was pathetic by comparison, and it wasn't a fun task in theory, it felt great doing it with him, it definitely felt like quality bonding time.
d'Arthez Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 If I had to only date people with similar musical interests, I doubt there would be more than 5 women on the planet who'd qualify. One of them could not get over the fact that I am atheist, so I am completely out of luck! Even my ex, who is a music buff of note, hardly knew the music I love. It is not even obscure by any stretch of the imagination, like Mongolian folk music. I liked some of the music she liked, she liked most of the music I liked (though she could not get over Lou Reed's voice, but I'll grant anyone that Lou can't sing). I have picked up a few interests from her, and she has picked up a few from me. Relationships work like that. A natural cross-over to have a few shared interests is quite common I ('d like to) think.
january2011 Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 What I miss most about having a relationship in general is creating moments worth remembering. A romantic sunset, a spontaneously funny event, the "inside language" that couples share. For me, this is the crux of it. Shared history and experiences. Experiences that bond two people together through their emotional content. Experiences that reinforce their roles in the relationship and the notion that they're part of the same team. In my opinion, having common interests creates a starting/focal point for creating this shared history and experiences. However, for me, it's not necessarily the be-all and end-all of what makes two people compatible. And even if two people are 'compatible' as they each define it, circumstance/external variables may drive them apart - e.g., distance, family. I believe that every relationship dynamic is uniquely created from the individuals within that relationship as they stand in time and space. This means that each individual will place a different value on and have a different perception regarding what compatibility means to them, based on their own preferences and even how they're feeling at that moment in time.
Leigh 87 Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 Titania makes a great point: the ideal relationship, FOR ME at least, would be where: two people love one anothers company, and yet can happily be in the same house or room, and do their own thing... Being able to go on about your own business, whilst in the company of your partner, and feel comfortable just doing your own thing whenever you please - is a GREAT feeling! I also love it when you get interested in new activities WITH your partner. For instance, my partner plays drums. He wants to be able to jam out with me, so he suggested I learnt keyboard. I am going to start learning soon, and he brought me a keyboard:) NINJA - he made a good point.. I am higher strung and uptight, and tend to stress over things - where as my partner is very positive and does not lose it over things. THAT is a GREAT part of a relationship! A person can see closely, what a better way to be is - in my case, I have learnt o be a much mroe positive and happy person, who does not flip out over little problems. Of course, it helps to enjoy being around on another - which also means, if you love each others company- that u will be together a fair amount, and have at least SOME things you both enjoy doing - seeing as your together a lot.
zengirl Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 What I miss most about having a relationship in general is creating moments worth remembering. A romantic sunset, a spontaneously funny event, the "inside language" that couples share. I don't think THAT phenomenon can really come from shared interests, but rather shared perspective and worldviews, though, so that's how that relates importantly. Yes, shared interests sometimes gives us a shallow way to gauge similarities, but they don't tell us about the deeper level and That said, I think every couple would need SOME shared interests or at least be open to them. If they absolutely hate everything the other person loves to do, I don't see how they could have similar worldviews, etc, but that's a rather extreme situation, as is finding someone who already enjoys all or most of what you enjoy. MOST people's interests evolve in a R, as far as I can tell. Hubby watches shows, listens to music, plays games, and does activities with me that he hadn't previously considered but does truly enjoy (sometimes he has come to be more excited about them than I am!) and vice versa. And there are still many things we DON'T have in common, re: Interests. But we have that special bond, language, etc. Yes, of course you need something to do together that builds those memories, but mostly those memories come from the person, not the activity. I guess I don't understand how communication-style, worldview, etc allow two people to enjoy each other's company in and of themselves. I think my ex and I had these things, but they served to enhance our enjoyment of the time we spent together. Time spent doing things we both enjoyed. There are things I've done with Hubby (or other exes) that I wouldn't have done alone but sincerely enjoyed because the time was spent with someone I had affinity with. That's because sometimes being with an enjoyable person trumps the activity itself.
jobaba Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 A friend and I were discussing relationships last night. He noted that his brother, who never dates, restricts himself by holding out for a non-existance woman who is compatable with him in everyway. He wants someone who plays video games, who enjoys the same music, etc. I, who also never date, countered with the fact that, my ex and I had that degree of compatability. We enjoyed the same music, had the same views on politics and religion. Hell, we even both loved playing vintage video-games on her Intellivision. His response was that, while that kind of commonality is nice, those sorts of things are entirely superficial in regard to the quality of a relationship. He said that he and his wife had none of those sorts of things in common. In my mind, those sorts of commonalities are the foundation that a relationship is built upon. If my partner doesn't share my political views, we are bound to argue, something my ex and I never did. If my partner doesn't like the same music that I do, then they aren't going to want to share concerts/festivals with me, which is a one of my favorite activities. What say you LS community? Do these things matter? If so, to what degree? If not, then what the heck do you do together as a couple? Yea. The type of things you're thinking about ... music and video games ... mostly things that younger people think about. When you get a little bit older and in your 30s, compatibility will more be based on things like life goals, disposition, and what type of social crowd you hang out with. This is what I see when I look at my married friends. Common interests can be ironed out. Most people are fairly flexible when it comes to trying new things.
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