paintedtree Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 Okay, this is kind of a long story, so please bear with me! My BF and I have been together for 4 years. During that time, we have had a very healthy intimacy. Last year though, I got very ill and it's put me in a place where making love is very painful. I still try, but it hurts and I am nauseous all the time from chemo. So, because of this, my BF has taken to porn... he never watched it before, besides the occasional flip through Playboy. I was perfectly fine with the porn usage when he started. He tried to hide it from me (not well)... but I didn't mind it. I understood I wasn't able to give him as much intimate attention as before. Here is where the problem comes in: In about October of last year, he began watching only Asian porn. Nothing else. This made me a little jealous, because I am definitely not Asian. Then, in January, he became attached to just ONE Japanese porn star. He only watches her, only masturbates to her. Lately, things have gotten a bit out of control in my opinion... As I walk in on him masturbating to this woman, and I have woken up to him masturbating to her (as I lay right next to him asleep). I finally lost my mind last night, when I sat down at our computer, and there are legitimate love poems about this porn star, strewn all over the desk. He used to write me love poems... and I haven't received one in forever. When I asked him about it, he denied it every which way possible (I didn't write that; it's about a woman I saw downtown; you're a snoop, so it doesn't count; you're insecure about being sick and overreacting). When he finally admitted that the poem written in HIS handwriting was indeed written by him, and it was about this woman... he said he couldn't help it, and this woman has "intrigued and captivated his heart". I feel betrayed. Am I wrong?? Anyway, big fight ensued and we are now not talking. I also feel it's pertinent to add that he is 56 years old and I am 26... I dunno why, but there it is. Please help.
PuntserVA Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 Oh you poor thing. Based on this story, I would say the heart is not the organ your BF has lost to his mostly imaginary friend. I think he has a porn addiction problem and needs help. He is in denial. Also, what does your doctor say about your pain during sex?
YellowShark Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 (edited) Sex is just not intercourse. There are about 10,000 other things you two could cook up that would be quite fun and satisfying. That he has totally gone off the deep end -(and ya, he has)- I would say it's time you two had a serious talk. Masturbating next to you while you sleep is unbelievably creepy. Writing love letters to a Japanese porn star he doesn't even know is seriously stalker crap. That's not "normal" and waaaay overboard if you ask me. Edited June 9, 2012 by YellowShark
Author paintedtree Posted June 9, 2012 Author Posted June 9, 2012 PuntersVA -- Thanks for your comment about which organ has been lost. Oddly, that makes me feel better, since I think I feel the worst about the emotional aspect of this. As for the pain, doctor says it's normal for now (muscle, joint pain and fatigue)... Hopefully things will even out soon, healthwise. YellowShark -- Thanks for your response. In all honesty, I have tried to do other things with him. I send him pictures and videos of myself (obviously, sexual ones). I also try to talk intimately with him, and just touch each other... but everytime I try to do dirty talk, he brings up a threesome. With, you guessed it, the Japanese porn star.
YellowShark Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 Here's my take. He is disrespecting you. He is gone into a fantasy world that is unhealthy and really creepy. I would draw a line in the sand and give him a clear boundary which states no more masturbating to the Japanese chick while he's in bed with you. No more love letters. If he truly loves you he will move mountains to do what is right. If he continues on this sick path rest assured he will be cruisin' downtown (or online) for Asian hookers by the end of the year. He has definitely gone off the deep end.
Author paintedtree Posted June 9, 2012 Author Posted June 9, 2012 Here's my take. He is disrespecting you. He is gone into a fantasy world that is unhealthy and really creepy. I would draw a line in the sand and give him a clear boundary which states no more masturbating to the Japanese chick while he's in bed with you. No more love letters. If he truly loves you he will move mountains to do what is right. If he continues on this sick path rest assured he will be cruisin' downtown (or online) for Asian hookers by the end of the year. He has definitely gone off the deep end. What are the appropriate boundaries I can put in place? Can I ask him to stop looking at porn of this woman all together, or is that too controlling? I never wanted him to feel ashamed or wrong for looking... So now I feel guilty even asking him to stop. But I agree with you, in that I do feel it's become a legitimate problem.
YellowShark Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 (edited) What are the appropriate boundaries I can put in place? Can I ask him to stop looking at porn of this woman all together, or is that too controlling? I never wanted him to feel ashamed or wrong for looking... So now I feel guilty even asking him to stop. But I agree with you, in that I do feel it's become a legitimate problem. I would sit him down and just say what's bothering you. I would be loving and polite and ask if he would like if he woke up and you were masturbating to a male porn star. Or would he like if you were writin love poems to a male porn star. See what he says. Then tell him it makes you so uncomfortable, and you wished he directed all that passion into the relationship.. instead of out of it. Now would be a good time to nip this in the butt, before it becomes too weird and he strays physically. Maybe go see a couples therapist to mediate this discussion. I bet he will be resistant to "dumping" his porn star. ETA Oh ya... And all those excuses he makes are called "gaslighting." "You're insecure," "you're snooping," "you've invaded my privacy," " you're sick..." He's trying to pin all this on you. As in, you did something that made him do what he does. Which is denial, and BS. Because he is clearly obsessed with this porn star and it is a behavior that is creepy, making you feel awful, and frankly unwanted. Edited June 9, 2012 by YellowShark
firemanq Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 Sex is just not intercourse. There are about 10,000 other things you two could cook up that would be quite fun and satisfying. YellowShark, can you list some of the 10,00 ways? My gf has lost all interest in making love. Thank you
Author paintedtree Posted June 9, 2012 Author Posted June 9, 2012 YellowShark, can you list some of the 10,00 ways? My gf has lost all interest in making love. Thank you Hi Fireman... While I know I am obviously not the authority on good relationships or intimacy at the moment, here are some suggestions from me... First, it's really not a cliche when people talk about the mind being the biggest sexual organ for women. So, maybe start small... compliment her (maybe she feels insecure about her body, hence the lost interest in making love?), send her a few suggestive & flirty text messages throughout the day. Build some anticipation for when she comes home. Even though I haven't been able to be my "old" self and make love, due to not feeling well... I have taken sexy pictures and videos, and sent them to my BF. It was fun for me and got me in the mood, even though it never panned out. Maybe -- if it's something she is comfortable with -- ask her to send you a sexy picture, because you miss her beautiful face/body/etc. I dunno, it worked for me... felt a little risky, a little dirty. Took me out of my comfort zone, which made it more sexy. And, simple solution... which you've probably tried... have you attempted to initiate things with her? Touch her, kiss her, start slow?
whichwayisup Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 I do hope all is okay with your health, you mentioned chemo.. Good thoughts and prayers to you. The age difference isn't that much of an issue but his porn habit is. He's probably had this issue for a lot longer than you realize.. And it has nothing to do with you. He has to quit the porn as it's just not a 'habit' anymore, he is addicted to it and it's affecting your relationship. He's attached to a porn star - HUGE red flag.
Author paintedtree Posted June 10, 2012 Author Posted June 10, 2012 I do hope all is okay with your health, you mentioned chemo.. Good thoughts and prayers to you. The age difference isn't that much of an issue but his porn habit is. He's probably had this issue for a lot longer than you realize.. And it has nothing to do with you. He has to quit the porn as it's just not a 'habit' anymore, he is addicted to it and it's affecting your relationship. He's attached to a porn star - HUGE red flag. Hi Whichway... Thank you for the good wishes my way. It's been a really hard battle so far, and unfortunately seems far from over. That's the other thing... my BF has been remarkably supportive through everything health-related. I mean, I know he loves me... I just don't feel like I am the woman he truly wants. Especially because most recently, when I ask him to touch me or hold me, etc... he gets a bit angry. He will be short and clipped when I ask, and answer with something like "What? What do you want?"... and when I ask for intimacy, he will say he is too busy watching the movie, or some other similar situation. It's made me feel bad, I guess. Is what he is doing really something I can classify as an obsession? I mean, I certainly feel it goes beyond the boundaries of "normal"... but that's by my standards. I have to say, I am really glad to be getting other opinions, because he made me feel like a psychopath for even getting upset about it.
alexandria35 Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 I'd say that your bf has some sort of disturbance going on there. Sounds like he has a fantasy of what a woman should be and he prefers his fantasy women over real life women. An Asian porn star whom he has never met has captivated his heart? What exactly captivates his heart? Blowjobs and threesomes? He is 30 years older than you and I wonder how much of his relationship with. you is/was based on his fantasies of what a woman should be. Young, attractive, eager to please both inside and outside of the bedroom. Now your very real life illness is interfering with his fantasy ideals of romance and sex and he is resentful of that. I'm sure in his fantasies about this porn star, she is never sick, never says no to sex, and just lives to please him and make him happy. He sounds very emotionally immature to me.
Author paintedtree Posted June 10, 2012 Author Posted June 10, 2012 Well, to add insult to injury, after no contact all day... I was of course freaking out and figuring the relationship to be over in the ugly way we left things... He calls at 1:30AM, while at a PARTY, and after realizing I am upset still, he asks "wait, what you confronted me about yesterday -- are you saying that could jeopardize our relationship?" I was so livid, I said a few not nice things (to put it mildly)... then told him I felt completely worthless to him. He then said he would call me back, after the party winds down... to which I said, don't bother. At least it makes it all easy, I guess. I'm absolutely torn apart. I feel like I never even knew him... I mean, my whole idea of him is shattered right now. This is like an alternate reality.
YellowShark Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 YellowShark, can you list some of the 10,00 ways? My gf has lost all interest in making love. Thank you Ever thought to ask her why? That's a good place to start. Well, to add insult to injury, after no contact all day... I was of course freaking out and figuring the relationship to be over in the ugly way we left things... He calls at 1:30AM, while at a PARTY, and after realizing I am upset still, he asks "wait, what you confronted me about yesterday -- are you saying that could jeopardize our relationship?" I was so livid, I said a few not nice things (to put it mildly)... then told him I felt completely worthless to him. He then said he would call me back, after the party winds down... to which I said, don't bother. At least it makes it all easy, I guess. I'm absolutely torn apart. I feel like I never even knew him... I mean, my whole idea of him is shattered right now. This is like an alternate reality. Frankly my dear he doesn't sound too bright. Sit him down, read him the riot act, see what he does. If he truly loves you he will do what is right, if he doesn't you might be better off without having his "porn star issues" to fix while you recuperate. Best of luck.
sad puppy Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 Okay, this is kind of a long story, so please bear with me! My BF and I have been together for 4 years. During that time, we have had a very healthy intimacy. Last year though, I got very ill and it's put me in a place where making love is very painful. I still try, but it hurts and I am nauseous all the time from chemo. So, because of this, my BF has taken to porn... he never watched it before, besides the occasional flip through Playboy. I was perfectly fine with the porn usage when he started. He tried to hide it from me (not well)... but I didn't mind it. I understood I wasn't able to give him as much intimate attention as before. Here is where the problem comes in: In about October of last year, he began watching only Asian porn. Nothing else. This made me a little jealous, because I am definitely not Asian. Then, in January, he became attached to just ONE Japanese porn star. He only watches her, only masturbates to her. Lately, things have gotten a bit out of control in my opinion... As I walk in on him masturbating to this woman, and I have woken up to him masturbating to her (as I lay right next to him asleep). I finally lost my mind last night, when I sat down at our computer, and there are legitimate love poems about this porn star, strewn all over the desk. He used to write me love poems... and I haven't received one in forever. When I asked him about it, he denied it every which way possible (I didn't write that; it's about a woman I saw downtown; you're a snoop, so it doesn't count; you're insecure about being sick and overreacting). When he finally admitted that the poem written in HIS handwriting was indeed written by him, and it was about this woman... he said he couldn't help it, and this woman has "intrigued and captivated his heart". I feel betrayed. Am I wrong?? Anyway, big fight ensued and we are now not talking. I also feel it's pertinent to add that he is 56 years old and I am 26... I dunno why, but there it is. Please help. He sounds like a freak. Forget about his porn and focus on the much bigger issue here, your age difference. Omg, girl, get out of that relationship. You have your whole life ahead of you! Go find a young, cool guy who isn't addicted to a porn star. If I were you, I'd be packing my bags and heading out the door, forever. Leave him with his computer, tell him adios, and go pursue a much brighter future with a healthy, well adjusted man. 1
YellowShark Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 (edited) He sounds like a freak. Forget about his porn and focus on the much bigger issue here, your age difference. Omg, girl, get out of that relationship. You have your whole life ahead of you! Ya, the 30-year age difference is a red flag for me as well. A 60 year old dating a woman in her 20's. didn't want to open that can of worms... but since you brought it up.... ETA My take is he had his "porn star." She was Paintedtree. Who was 22 when they started dating. (while he was in his 50's) And when Paintedtree became ill he simply replaced her with the Japanese chick who he is now obsessed with. Doesn't sound healthy to me. Edited June 10, 2012 by YellowShark
Author paintedtree Posted June 10, 2012 Author Posted June 10, 2012 Ya, the 30-year age difference is a red flag for me as well. A 60 year old dating a woman in her 20's. didn't want to open that can of worms... but since you brought it up.... ETA My take is he had his "porn star." She was Paintedtree. Who was 22 when they started dating. (while he was in his 50's) And when Paintedtree became ill he simply replaced her with the Japanese chick who he is now obsessed with. Doesn't sound healthy to me. That kind of breaks my heart, honestly. I mean, I appreciate the feedback... Especially since I can't see the forest for the trees. I understand what you have suggested is a very reasonable possibility... but it makes me feel like crap. I mean, things have been hard enough. Now to find out I essentially wasted 4 years of my life with someone who possibly didn't love me, just the idea of me?
sad puppy Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 That kind of breaks my heart, honestly. I mean, I appreciate the feedback... Especially since I can't see the forest for the trees. I understand what you have suggested is a very reasonable possibility... but it makes me feel like crap. I mean, things have been hard enough. Now to find out I essentially wasted 4 years of my life with someone who possibly didn't love me, just the idea of me? Ok, so maybe you wasted 4 years. Just don't make it 5. Time for you to move on!!! Then you shall see how ridiculous this poor sap is.
YellowShark Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 That kind of breaks my heart, honestly. I mean, I appreciate the feedback... Especially since I can't see the forest for the trees. I understand what you have suggested is a very reasonable possibility... but it makes me feel like crap. I mean, things have been hard enough. Now to find out I essentially wasted 4 years of my life with someone who possibly didn't love me, just the idea of me? I can't tell you what he felt or thought. You're the best judge of that. All I can tell you is your so young. A few men will come and go in the next 60 years. This isnt the only one. So make each one a learning opportunity. Think of it this way if it helps. When you're 40 he'll be 70! It'll be like dating your grandfather. Ewwww. Anyhow, if ya really love him ask him to see an therapist together to see if you can fix it. If he refuses you have to decide which path you wanna take. You survived before him and you'll survive after him. Just never be second fiddle to some Japanese porn star.
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