Gulf-Delta Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 (edited) I cannot believe it. We had been NC for 3 weeks until a few days ago when I got some financial stuff that involved her. We talked about business strictly, and left it. Now 2 or 3 days later, minutes ago, she texts me one our inside jokes. I picked up the phone with excitement....but then remembered that this conversation will lead to nothing. What do I do? Do I completely ignore? Tell her to buzz off? Do I answer in a neutral, nonchalant way? What if she legitimately wants to talk, and is trying to break the ice? HELP. Edited June 9, 2012 by Gulf-Delta
Philosoraptor Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 Let it go until you see something substantial. 3
Thierro Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 Did you read my previous posts? A lot of people here will tell you to ignore her. Doesn't really matter what you do, you'll learn from it, you'll grow stronger. Just find things out on your own.
january2011 Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 I vote for continuing to ignore her. You know the conversation is going to lead to nothing. She's just throwing breadcrumbs your way. At this stage, you're still healing and it's early days - your confusion about what to do underlines how not ready you are.
Author Gulf-Delta Posted June 9, 2012 Author Posted June 9, 2012 Let it go until you see something substantial. Yeah, I know...that was my thought too...but what if she's trying to crack the door or something....eh, this sucks. There's so many things I wanna say about how she's hurt me....I kinda wanna say something mean....I won't, but now it's like this....thing that's been opened and I don't know what to do ya know? I totally get what you're saying, but I'd feel really ****ty if she's trying to reconnect for real, am I blow her off.
Philosoraptor Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 If she was truly trying to reconnect she would continue to pursue. Someone who truly wants to be with you will make a complete fool of themselves just to get your attention. This is likely just to see if you hate her and to relieve guilt. If you respond back joking all is well. She needs to find peace with her decision without any input from you. I'd hit delete and enjoy your weekend. 1
Edtheduck Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 I just updated my thread on the breaking up page dude, read what I wrote. At the end of the day, if she was suggesting reopening contact, all it would take is a simple I miss you, I want to make things right kind of message. Ignore it and heal yourself. You're making your mind worse by umming and arrghing.
Author Gulf-Delta Posted June 9, 2012 Author Posted June 9, 2012 If she was truly trying to reconnect she would continue to pursue. Someone who truly wants to be with you will make a complete fool of themselves just to get your attention. This is likely just to see if you hate her and to relieve guilt. If you respond back joking all is well. She needs to find peace with her decision without any input from you. I'd hit delete and enjoy your weekend. Yeah, I know what you're saying I guess. She's such a strange girl though...she's very cautious with letting her emotions be known....this could be real...I could tell the tone was a very embarrased and shy. Shortly after she was like "I just remember that and it made me laugh pretty hard". To me, that comment reeks of covering her tracks trying to make everything SEEM casual. But you guys are right. If it's real, she'll try again, maybe stronger than before. If not, then whatever.
Coffee20 Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 If she was truly trying to reconnect she would continue to pursue. Someone who truly wants to be with you will make a complete fool of themselves just to get your attention. This is so true! I would ignore her too, I would answer only if she writes something about coming back to you (but only if you want her back).
Author Gulf-Delta Posted June 9, 2012 Author Posted June 9, 2012 What does NC stand for? No Contact, dear.
Author Gulf-Delta Posted June 9, 2012 Author Posted June 9, 2012 This is so true! I would ignore her too, I would answer only if she writes something about coming back to you (but only if you want her back). I agree. The thing is, and I know it sounds like I'm justifying/defending her/etc. even if she did wanna come back, this is how she would do it. She wouldn't come up front with it. When we started dating, she didn't come out with her feelings. I told her how I felt and she seemingly blew it off. 2 days later she comes by my house and plants a kiss on me. Even after I revealed my feelings for her, even through she liked me, she never admitted to it. She had liked me for a while, but didn't know how to go about it. But yeah, I haven't texted her. Unless she sends something really huge, I won't be. BUT I am looking at other sides of the coin too.
Frank13 Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 (edited) When we started dating, she didn't come out with her feelings. I told her how I felt and she seemingly blew it off. 2 days later she comes by my house and plants a kiss on me. Even after I revealed my feelings for her, even through she liked me, she never admitted to it. She had liked me for a while, but didn't know how to go about it. . What I can't figure out is why you would want someone who can't or won't show their emotions. I knew someone like that and got so sick and tired of wondering where I stood with them that I finally broke it off. Guess what, after a couple very half assed attempts from her at contact, which I ignored, I never heard from her again. My conclusion is that people don't show emotions if they don't have any for you. And if I am wrong and they do, I don't want to be with somone like that. I am with the others who say stick with NC. If she wants you back she will try harder. In fact, I think by you ignoring her, it is going to make her more desperate. Edited June 10, 2012 by Frank13
Author Gulf-Delta Posted June 10, 2012 Author Posted June 10, 2012 (edited) What I can't figure out is why you would want someone who can't or won't show their emotions. I knew someone like that and got so sick and tired of wondering where I stood with them that I finally broke it off. Guess what, after a couple very half assed attempts from her at contact, which I ignored, I never heard from her again. My conclusion is that people don't show emotions if they don't have any for you. And if I am wrong and they do, I don't want to be with somone like that. I am with the others who say stick with NC. If she wants you back she will try harder. In fact, I think by you ignoring her, it is going to make her more desperate. Uh, she ended up kissing me two days later, and a 2 year relationship and engagement followed. I'd say that's a pretty big showing of emotions. And no, she won't try harder. She hasn't tried again at all. Wouldn't have mattered if I ignored her, sent a couple words, or a whole novel, the result would be the same. She hasn't tried again, and probably won't. I'm gonna have to contact her soon anyway, as we have a couple more financial/business things to settle by the end of this month, so the NC "game" will come to an end. In fact, ignoring her today seems somewhat pointless. Edited June 10, 2012 by Gulf-Delta
favoritepills Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 Doesn't really matter what you do, you'll learn from it, you'll grow stronger. Just find things out on your own. I agree with Thierro, you'll learn regardless of what you decide to do. The only difference being that certain options are more painful options. If you want to experience the least amount of pain possible, stick to NC and make your own closure. If you want to gain closure by getting your heart ripped out again, go ahead and respond to her text. Get your hopes up. See how you feel when each happy conversation ends and you're still just her ex-boyfriend. If that's the only way you think you'll learn, give it a shot. Either way, the lesson's the same: she's probably not coming back, at least not for a long while, and the best thing you can do is let it go and move on.
Author Gulf-Delta Posted June 10, 2012 Author Posted June 10, 2012 I agree with Thierro, you'll learn regardless of what you decide to do. The only difference being that certain options are more painful options. If you want to experience the least amount of pain possible, stick to NC and make your own closure. If you want to gain closure by getting your heart ripped out again, go ahead and respond to her text. Get your hopes up. See how you feel when each happy conversation ends and you're still just her ex-boyfriend. If that's the only way you think you'll learn, give it a shot. Either way, the lesson's the same: she's probably not coming back, at least not for a long while, and the best thing you can do is let it go and move on. That's what I mean. I could ignore, respond, pour my heart out, send her flowers, get skywriting for her....but regardless of what I do, none of that will get her back. There really is no wrong choice.
spiderowl Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 If she makes contact again, you could tell her that you can't keep contact with her because it's too painful. Then leave it at that. If she's serious about wanting to be with you again, then she'll find some way to reassure you she wants to be back with you. If she's just doing it because she misses your friendship, she'll realise it's not fair and back off.
Author Gulf-Delta Posted June 10, 2012 Author Posted June 10, 2012 If she makes contact again, you could tell her that you can't keep contact with her because it's too painful. Then leave it at that. If she's serious about wanting to be with you again, then she'll find some way to reassure you she wants to be back with you. If she's just doing it because she misses your friendship, she'll realise it's not fair and back off. Oh yeah, I know. Thing is, I'd do friendship with her. I have no issue with that...it's that she wants me as a friend while she's dating someone else, that I have a problem with. Were she single, or put me as a priority, I'd totally be her friend, no problem. But if she wants to be friends, but ditches me to **** some other guy, I'm NOT cool with that.
geegirl Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 Aren't "friends" allowed to date. If a rule is set that you can't be with another man or woman, that would not make for a friendship, yes? I'm confused. Is this an arrangement you have with all your friends? If not, then you cannot be friends with her or expect a friendship under these terms.
Author Gulf-Delta Posted June 10, 2012 Author Posted June 10, 2012 (edited) Aren't "friends" allowed to date. If a rule is set that you can't be with another man or woman, that would not make for a friendship, yes? I'm confused. Is this an arrangement you have with all your friends? If not, then you cannot be friends with her or expect a friendship under these terms. Not saying she wouldn't be "allowed" to as a rule, I'm saying for myself, it's not something I would be able to handle or tolerate. What I mean is, if she wants friendship, it has to be real. I can't just be a friend when it's convenient or when she feels like it. I tried that already and it was one-sided because she has someone else now. I'm not gonna be her friend if she's gonna ditch me all the time, never hang out, never talk to me. If she wants to make an actual effort,then great. But as it was, I was her friend when SHE wanted it, and when I wanted to hang out, she was "busy". Screw that. Friendship is a two-way street. Edited June 10, 2012 by Gulf-Delta
geegirl Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 Then you should never entertain the idea of friends until you are completely void of feelings because at some point the possibility of another man entering her life will happen. If you know you won't be able to tolerate, don't put yourself in a situation that may get you there. The thing is, if you are void of feelings and she treated your friendship shabbily, you'd pass on it easily. As long as it doesn't hurt you when you still have feelings for her. The heart makes unreasonable decisions in emotional situations.
RickFox Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 Yeah, I know...that was my thought too...but what if she's trying to crack the door or something....eh, this sucks. There's so many things I wanna say about how she's hurt me....I kinda wanna say something mean....I won't, but now it's like this....thing that's been opened and I don't know what to do ya know? I totally get what you're saying, but I'd feel really ****ty if she's trying to reconnect for real, am I blow her off. I vote for don't. While our situations are different, I'd gone for 7 months or so with NC. I began living my life again as it was before and went to pick up my daughter at the front of the school. That same week, I received two messages from her via facebook, and found them in the 'other' section two weeks ater she sent them. One said "hey" the other said "hi". I waited a month and curiousity got the best of me, I thought maybe she had something substantial to say and so I sent a text that simply said 'hello.' Her response was as follows. "I wasn't going to respond but I'm curious to know why you're messaging me again. Is there something you want to say or.......?" Somehow the fact she sent me two messages was forgotten and once again, Im made into the bad guy. I didn't respond and I say at this point, you shouldn't either.
EgoJoe Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 The heart makes unreasonable decisions in emotional situations. Not only that but Gulf, if you examine enough threads you will find both Women and Men dialing down on stray reasons why, "This is how they would come back." But the reality is that you are probably deceiving yourself. If they wanted you back they'd make the effort. If, after a few years they wanted you back then it would be conceivable for them to test the waters in such a way. Now, that being said, she is getting off on your attention because she can feel your desperation no matter how subdued it may be. Reject her paltry connections and move on. 1
tryingtodiscoveranew Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 This is a great thread as it clearly details why NC can save you much unnecessary grief. I was just informed by a wonderful person on LS that although I did not talk to my ex for 2 years, checking her FB was still a form of contact. With that being said, it was the worst form of contact! Not only do most people post the photos they look great in, or show them having a good time...some also post new love interests, and/or cyber flirt with people. Needless to say, it was torturous seeing all of that! I suppose I (like most people) was hoping to see a post about how much she missed me, or something that showed how awful her life had become. I wanted to feel justified and/or put at ease that I was not involved with her anymore. After reading so many pro-NC posts here, I'd like to try it again... My concern is: being that, I am one of the most paranoid, sympathetic fools when it comes to this woman, (meaning I always think, if I disappear something bad will happen to her, or her family and I'll be the mean person that no-one has heard from, etc.) how do I begin the NC? Should I say, I think it would be better if we did not communicate anymore, unless something bad happens, or is that already implied after being with someone off and on for more than 8 years?
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