[LONG/Interesting] Should I still have trust issues?

[mynameistom]

Hello everyone, I've been reading on these forums for a while but managed to get up the courage to post here, I have an interesting story. I really do apologize that it is long but it is less than a 5 minute read and will probably interest you, and I need help. ANYWAYS.. I am almost 20 and my girlfriend is 20. We have been our only serious relationship, and are about to hit the 4 year mark. We have been our first everything.

 

In the first few years of our relationship, we had a few breaks, one of which she broke up with me completely due to me staying out late enjoying activities with my university friends as it was our first year. I ended up sleeping with another woman, and when my girlfriend came back around (about two weeks later) and wanted me back, the only thing she seemed to ask was if I slept with that girl or not.

 

Whether or not this was the right decision... I made a conscious decision that in NO world would it be a good idea to tell her the full truth, so I denied sleeping with her and said that we simply made out. I realize that yes honesty is the best policy and some of you may point out that I am a liar... But I chose to do this for many solid reasons that I have, including a) what happens outside of a relationship shouldn't be anyones buisness but yours and b) she is the type of girl that only wanted to know that for pride/ego reasons, as that would allow her some "leeway" in arguments knowing I did something wrong like that.

 

Anyways..... I completely forgot about that event until after our next serious break up, two years later (which was last summer, so the first break up was almost 3 years ago, when I was 16). This breakup was one that seemed like it was going to be permanent, it was a month and a half long where I thought a lot about our relationship and how it went wrong. After all that time, I realized I was an immature kid for most of the relationship, and was ready to change and grow up, if you will.

 

So we got back together and everything was marvelous until about new years. My girlfriend has a [slutty] friend that always wants to take her downtown clubbing with the guy she is f*cking and his roommate, who wants to f*ck my girlfriend. So it is the four of them getting wasted and going downtown (this only happened once, and I told her that I really didn't think that was appropriate). Other times they have gone back to his house, but the reason I should be okay with it is that "there are other guys around, it's not just us, and we were only making grilled cheese...". Also they have gone out to other places, aka. bowling, lunch, things like that.

 

Some things that ring true in my mind are when I asked her why I wasn't "ALLOWED" to even meet these friends, are some of her responses. I have gotten a) "I don't want you to become better friends and talk to them more than me" b) I need to have my own part of my life that you aren't in (which I fully understand btw, but... I think this is the wrong way to go about having that, especially after complaining that she wants to be the only important girl in my whole life) and C "DAVE (lets call the other guy that likes her dave) WOULDN'T LIKE IT. I DON'T WANT TO HURT HIS FEELINGS."

 

That last one hurt me really bad. She has someone that is texting her cutie and baby and sweetie and constantly asking her out on dates alone, and has known him for a few weeks and suddenly cares about his feelings more than mine? Her excuses are along the lines of "I don't know what I was thinking" or just "I don't remember". I fully believe nothing physical went on between the two but that probably was because I stopped it from happening. They would text all day for a couple of weeks, because "she was nice and didn't want to just ignore him".

 

Let me add this was in a time where I got seriously f*cked up by a lot of weed in a brownie that I have never had before, that was my first panic attack and it was constant panic for another few weeks, started dropping out of school, etc. It was a seriously tramatizing (sp?) event in my life and I didn't think I was going to live through it. Now I don't need any sympathy for that I just want to point it out that only recently (3 months after it happened, during the "dave" thing) I came out of it and are able to think clearly about things. I needed to see many doctors and psychiatrists to help me through this, after, according to them, having severe depressing and anxiety (and I should stay off drugs lmao). My point of mentioning that bump in my life was that, that was the time I realized a side of my girlfriend that I didn't want to see. I saw that when I needed her most, in a life crisis (to me), she didn't seem to be all there for me, even suggesting a break so she can figure out how to help me because its hard being around someone depressed all the time (????? okay... that doesn't sound like the type of wife I'd like to be with)...

 

It was hard to forgive, not so much what happened (because I stopped things from getting too far, but in my books stopping what was going to get out of hand either way is the same thing) but her intentions and who was more important. A few months after the incident, last night she told me he has been asking her out on dates all the time, but about 2 weeks ago I saw on her phone that was sitting infront of me that it was him again, so I asked what he said. It read "Hey there cutie whats up?" or something along those lines. I said that she better not be thinking of texting him back, especially after promising to cut it out of her life completely for what it has caused us, and that it was wrong (people please believe I'm not trying to be a controlling guy in ANY way, the reason she has none of these problems with me is that I simply don't do them because I know it causes THIS, I have dropped all the girls that text me or want to see me, I simply know boundaries and what can happen... "accidentally"... when they are crossed"). She tried to reason and rationalize why she wants to just be able to talk to him as a friend or because its her life and doesn't want to be controlled, so I said fine, clearly what you said before about him isn't true, go do what you want.

 

She didnt, and apologized about it all, AGAIN, and I'm not sure what to do. Technically, she didn't physically cheat (from what I know) but I feel horrible knowing this guy wanted my gf so bad and she fed into it, even going on that "double date" and even having the nerve to tell me he is a good looking kid, when I was most depressed, and that his feelings matter more! When I think about it... I think "wow what a f*cking c*nt to do that to 'someone you love' "... But she is making it out to be not that big of a deal and its just 'my insecurities' that I have to GET OVER. Also that I caused us drama three years ago, while I was 16 and immature (and already felt the wrath multiple times) lying about doing absolutely nothing with that woman to telling her I made out with her, is reason that she can do what she did to me while IN A RELATIONSHIP.

 

I'm scared sh*tless to find another woman and think I never will... Maybe thats how people feel or I need more confidence but I'm seriously scared. I know one day it would happen and I would think this was all a silly phase in my life, but it's hard to think that way now. I don't want to let it all go, I grew up with this girl. I am flooded by all the amazing memories and get emotional about it. I told her I have a hard time trusting her ( /her intentions) after a) doing it once for so long b) doing it AGAIN wanting to text him so bad the second time and c) having a history of being a flirt while drunk (introducing herself to everyone (guys) and touching their arm and stuff like that, which makes me uncomfortable). And she got mad that I cant trust her, still trying to rationalize it with things that I did and that she doesn't want to go on forever with "me being bad and you not being able to trust me".

 

Any input at all? I'm so freaking lost.....

 

 

PS. Her mood change started when we got back together last year, we talked 24/7 so I could prove to her that I changed and grew up. Recently when my life falled apart with the depression/anxiety thing, I turned my entire life around and became much more active and busy in my life, so we were only able to text for a few hours a day, and this caused her a lot of sadness because in her mind that was my way of distancing myself from her and wanting to get rid of her and our relationship. That sounds a bit needy to me but again I'm not sure because I've only been with her.

 

PSS: Sorry to add even more sh*t lol... the most recent thing that broke my trust again is that when we had a fight, instead of wanting to work through it and talk she got wasted with a girlfriend and went downtown to "forget our problems", which I had an issue with, only because it's a poor way to handle arguments and issues that need to be resolved.

 

Thank you everyone !

Edited June 9, 2012 by mynameistom

[John Doe]

I read the entire thing...don't think it even took 5 minutes. Haha. Anyway, I know how you feel. It's tough because this is your first serious relationship. The hardest thing is finding someone that you truly care about and love spending time with but knowing in your heart that you deserve better or you need something different. You should take every reply with a grain of salt because no one knows your situation better than you do even though you told wrote it here.

 

On another note, I think you should break up with her and move on. Being friends sounds like a good idea sometimes but in this situation, I think you should pretty much severe ties. She doesn't seem like a girl you'd want to marry or be with in the long-term. The longer you stay in the relationship just because you are afraid of being alone, the harder it will be to break up later on. And then you will wonder...could I have found someone that I truly wanted to be with forever in the years that I spent with her? Think it over.

 

Hope I could be of some help.

[mynameistom]

Thank you for taking the time to read it, and yes I'm quite sure that it being my first and getting so serious is attributing to why it is so tough.

 

I keep flipping back and forth between maybe she just acts crazy because she is so deeply in love with me and I just can't see that, and that she really is nuts and should settle down. It just is so convincing that I'm the ******* when she comes over begging for forgiveness and that she is truely sorry and is finally going to get professional help for anger issues.

 

PS: On a side note... Do you think I should feel guilty for lying to her? Well.. Obviously I guess, but, I did make the decision that it is for the better and know that the other woman meant and still means absolutely nothing... The only reason it came up was when I was depressed and anxious my thoughts latched onto it. I told the doctor and he kind of smiled and said, "Do you seriously think that nobody lies?". That woke me up a bit, because yeah no **** people lie all the time. Now, he also said, if it were some kind of ongoing affair then that is a different story. But it isn't even close to that.