Stoneman70 Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 What I mean is, since most of these relationships only end not because either person wants it to end, but because it usually can't work...do you think its harder to get over versus a normal relationship? I know with me....I know S and I still love each other very much, but knew it couldnt work and it was too hard, we had to break free. She told me we had to say goodbye, I ran due to the pain. In these situations, the love is still there, its not like a normal break up where you stop wanting to be with the other person, you just know it can't work and wish it were a different place, different time, that you met. So what do you think? I think this kind of relationship is much harder to recover from..because you know it wouldn't be over if you were both single. The love didn't die.
carhill Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 IME, I found it was harder to disconnect when left hanging as opposed to the dynamic playing out completely. Once clarity arrived, disconnecting was relatively easy. The ambiguity and mind-fµcks, in retrospect, were the problem. They were canaries I didn't pay attention to properly. Clarity would have arrived sooner if I had. Comparatively, 'regular' LTR's and my M were pretty simple. We ultimately didn't get along and/or were incompatible for whatever reasons and sayanora. Grieve the death and move on. 2
woinlove Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 (edited) What I mean is, since most of these relationships only end not because either person wants it to end, but because it usually can't work...do you think its harder to get over versus a normal relationship? I know with me....I know S and I still love each other very much, but knew it couldnt work and it was too hard, we had to break free. She told me we had to say goodbye, I ran due to the pain. In these situations, the love is still there, its not like a normal break up where you stop wanting to be with the other person, you just know it can't work and wish it were a different place, different time, that you met. So what do you think? I think this kind of relationship is much harder to recover from..because you know it wouldn't be over if you were both single. The love didn't die. When I was involved with a MM, I found it much easier to really want and desire someone I could not have. I ended things when he divorced and became available, because I suddenly looked at the him and our R more realistically and decided I wanted a partner who would be more loyal and honest over the long-term. Once I made that decision, I moved on within a few months and never regretted it. However, had we for some reason ended before that point, I think I would have pined for a long time and thought he was the one because, for me, clarity only came when we were both actually available and could even get married if we chose. It is difficult to not be in that situation (both fully available) and still be able to see things as if you were in that situation. I think most people just can't quite transport themselves to that alternate universe fully, and so the MM/MW, while still married, is always someone you can't fully have and that typically strongly affects one's feelings about them. Also, even after they become available, there can be guilty feelings involved, further complicating one's feelings. So, yes, affairs are tricky and getting over them can be more difficult than an R that didn't involve any deception and where both were available to let the R turn into anything they wanted. Edited June 9, 2012 by woinlove 2
OpenBook Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 No, not in my experience. I hurt/obsessed with some of my single guys just as much as with my MMs. No rhyme or reason to it that I can discern. The only thing that's been consistent is the BFs that I DIDN'T have any trouble with - they were, for the most part, better men than the ones I lost the plot with. Hindsight is such an ironic thing. Sigh.
MissBee Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 (edited) What I mean is, since most of these relationships only end not because either person wants it to end, but because it usually can't work...do you think its harder to get over versus a normal relationship? I know with me....I know S and I still love each other very much, but knew it couldnt work and it was too hard, we had to break free. She told me we had to say goodbye, I ran due to the pain. In these situations, the love is still there, its not like a normal break up where you stop wanting to be with the other person, you just know it can't work and wish it were a different place, different time, that you met. So what do you think? I think this kind of relationship is much harder to recover from..because you know it wouldn't be over if you were both single. The love didn't die. It can be. But any relationship IMO that ends, is because it is meant to end and because it cannot work out. In normal relationships the breakup is not always mutual and people don't always know peacefully and accept that it just can't work. Check the Breaks and Breaking up section here on LS, most people are looking for second chances and hope. That is what lead me to LS initially-a normal relationship, where it ended abruptly by the other person. Lots of normal relationships are ended by one person, end abruptly, and the other person is left hoping and praying it was a mistake, still loving the other person, still thinking things can be fixed and feeling stuck....but most eventually grow to a point of realizing it obviously wasn't meant to be. My most painful relationship ending wasn't my A relationship actually, eve though it was longer than the normal relationship that ended which lead me here. I can relate to feeling like it was bad timing or right person/wrong time and understand how that can cause one to live in a state of idealizing the A relationship. I felt that way too for a while, even though I didn't actively want him, I did feel like at a different time we would have been great---until my former AP came back and tried to rekindle the A some years later, then I realized, he wasn't the right person at the wrong time...he was the wrong person, and it wouldn't work out again and he too is relinquished to the graveyard of exes, where we obviously couldn't work out. When he came back, I saw him with new eyes, and that's when all my idealized notions of how awesome we would have been "if only" kind of vanished and the truth wasn't as glamorous...he wasn't the right person, plain and simple, so things ended. It is not quite true that people in an A have no choice and forces beyond their control end their relationship...a partner dying or becoming gravely ill where the relationship cannot continue is outside of anyone's choice....the choice to stay married post dday or to move to another country with your spouse, is very much within your control....and if you choose to stay married, for whatever reasons you have, you are not choosing to be with your AP or have that relationship, you obviously feel like your other option is the best one for you. Some people don't choose that, some choose to leave. So I don't really feel like AP's are star-crossed lovers who can't catch a break...I feel they are people who have difficult choices to make, but choices that are not impossible, depending on if they want to or not. I think how you view relationships and life determines how you get over the ending of one...if you believe one person is your soul mate and the only person you can be happy with, then you'll believe in "lost love" (or the idea that since one person is your sou lmate you HAVE to be with them no matter how awkward the circumstance...i.e. you or they are already married) and believe you can lose someone and then you may spend a lifetime fantasizing about "if only....". You could also decided that if this person is the only one you can be with.....then you will do what it takes to be with them! I personally don't believe in lost love. I believe all relationships that end, had to end (even those which seem abrupt). If it is supposed to be restarted, then it will come back around with the right circumstances. I don't believe in "right person, wrong time", if it is the wrong time...it is also the wrong person, albeit a close fit, IMO. So if a man has to leave my life, while it hurts, I don't get too hung up on feeling like I lost. I don't choose to see it that way, but accept that clearly something was amiss here...and thus far, I always get to a point where I see exactly why it had to end and I have always met someone else. There is honestly no one that I look back on feeling like they were "the one that got away". Edited June 9, 2012 by MissBee
Author Stoneman70 Posted June 9, 2012 Author Posted June 9, 2012 What about if you are both married versus just one being married? Do you think its harder then? Since neither can be together unless your whole current life changes? I feel like because S and I are both married it made it harder for us. We both felt guilt, but such an intense love that we didn't stop...not until we both realized that how could this work in our situation. We struggled each day...I know I did anyway..with wanting to do the right thing versus what I really wanted.
carhill Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 What about if you are both married versus just one being married? Personally, using the same person/love as a comparison, it was less intense and the grief process was less pronounced when married than when single. This however does not control for the passage of time, life lessons in the interim and personality change and growth.
MissBee Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 (edited) What about if you are both married versus just one being married? Do you think its harder then? Since neither can be together unless your whole current life changes? I feel like because S and I are both married it made it harder for us. We both felt guilt, but such an intense love that we didn't stop...not until we both realized that how could this work in our situation. We struggled each day...I know I did anyway..with wanting to do the right thing versus what I really wanted. It's still the same answer: who you are and how you think about relationships (and life ) determine how hard it will be for you to get over it. I don't think you should speak for S. I understand you know her, but I think that were she on LS herself, what is the story she would be telling? You may be surprised at how she assesses everything. I don't know how much of a hard time she is having, she may be having just as much of a hard time as you are, or maybe she isn't. Maybe she feels she made the right choice. I really learned that even if you know someone well, you are not them, you are not in their mind and while some of your feelings may be similar, you may have very different narratives, rationales and agendas for your actions. You obviously believe that she "got away"....so it will be harder for you to get over it. Perhaps changing that thought to "if she got away, and if neither of us had the strength to change our current lives...maybe it wasn't meant to be" OR "I can't live without her and move on, so we will have to endure the difficulty and make it work". I feel like those are the options I see and how I view things...which helps me not to sit around for years thinking of someone as "the one that got away". I do think if you are single, it is easier for you to move forward and at some point you get into a new relationship...if you're married, unless you plan to work on your marriage and be happy in it, I do think you may actually become more resentful and have an even more unhappy marriage, if, instead of two feet in, you are staying because of obligation and spend your entire life worried about another woman/man. So you either 1)be with S 2)Let her go and accept it wasn't meant to be and try to work on your marriage 3) end your marriage or 4) stay married and continue worrying about S. You want S and if you can't have her...you'd rather stay married than be single. Whichever choice you choose...it is up to you to be comfortable with it and live with it. Our lives are our own and happiness and contentedness are choices we have to make. I love the quote that says: "The surest way to be unhappy is to worry about and pine after the things you don't have." In fact there is a list of 75 things you can do to stay unhappy forever...I'll post that in the Water Cooler, take a look...a lot of them relate to what people do in breakups and As. Edited June 9, 2012 by MissBee
RickFox Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 Yes, it's hard to get over an affair. It's even harder to get over one if you sit around and try to convince yourself that your partner had just as strong feelings for you as you did for them and look for excuses as to why they did what they did. 4
MissBee Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 Yes, it's hard to get over an affair. It's even harder to get over one if you sit around and try to convince yourself that your partner had just as strong feelings for you as you did for them and look for excuses as to why they did what they did. I agree. Even in my normal breakup, I realized the relationship that took the longest for me to get over was the one in which I sat making excuses for him, analyzing him and his feelings after he made his choice, basically getting a PhD in his psychology and in "us". The relationship ended and the breakup was finite, but I was stuck everyday like it was fresh, because I would constantly dwell, analyze, idealize, etc. This made the whole thing loom so large in my mind and made it so much harder to see reality and to move on. Once I stopped analyzing him and what happened and why, and started focusing on myself and accepting that it ended for a reason and that the best I need to do is move forward and IF it is meant to be, it will come back around....I healed. It didn't come back around and I am happy because I am so different now and would never be with him again. It is now silly to me that I wasted so much time turning him into the ultimate and wanting and wishing we would reunite, when better things were in store. We have choices to make....dwell forever, or accept what is and work with it to be happy or if we don't like what is, change it!
Author Stoneman70 Posted June 9, 2012 Author Posted June 9, 2012 I get it...don't dwell and accept it. I try to. I think the realization that my relationship only ended because it couldn't wor, not because there was no connection or no love, is jard. Its the most pain I've felt in a separation, but I knew it had to happen. I know we could have been "together" but ruining her life just so I could be happy with her was not going to happen, as much as I wanted it to. I left to help her be happier in her marriage and because it was too painful to think of her with him and have to wonder what they were doing. I knew she wouldn't leave him, but our seperation wasnt exactly wanted. It just had to happen. That's why I think this is harder than a normal break up where one person says I don't love u anymore, bye...ya know? If you are both single and it ends, its over. If you are both married, it doesn't end (in my case) because of that. It ends because you try to do the right thing by your spouse and attempt to work on the marriage. I do believe in lost love. I know many people agree too, and many dont. I'm a bit of a romantic man, but don't show that except to those I truly love...I think sometimes you experience a love so great it takes your breath away, but it may not last forever. That seems thr case with S and I. She came into my life for a reason..to experience love with me like no other,but I accept it may not be meant to be. I understand that. I think getting over this type of relationship is much harder.
KeepMeInMind Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 Depends on the affair. But, yes, I found the ending of my last affair to be the worst heartache of my life. Right person, wrong time/circumstances. 1
cocorico Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 What I mean is, since most of these relationships only end not because either person wants it to end, but because it usually can't work...do you think its harder to get over versus a normal relationship? I know with me....I know S and I still love each other very much, but knew it couldnt work and it was too hard, we had to break free. She told me we had to say goodbye, I ran due to the pain. In these situations, the love is still there, its not like a normal break up where you stop wanting to be with the other person, you just know it can't work and wish it were a different place, different time, that you met. So what do you think? I think this kind of relationship is much harder to recover from..because you know it wouldn't be over if you were both single. The love didn't die. Some people never get over Rs that end through circumstances beyond their control, and carry a flame for the lost love their entire life forward. But some do get over it and move on. Which group you will fall into will largely depend on whether or not you want to forget her and move on, or whether you will continue to hold out hope that maybe you can be together one day...
KeepMeInMind Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 And some people KNOW they can never be together, but carry that love forever still. I have a very good friend who lost the love of his life when he was young due to life circumstances. They simply could not be together. It took him a year to start dating again. A few years later, he met his wife. He has grown children, loves his wife to death, and is very happy, but he says you just cannot forget a love like that. But in this case, it wasn't just any love lost, it was a once in a lifetime type..very deep soul connection type. He's grateful for it now, but those were the worst times of his life when it ended, especially when it was beyond his or her control. 2
Author Stoneman70 Posted June 11, 2012 Author Posted June 11, 2012 That's exactly how I feel about S..she is my once in a lifetime love. I mean, I'm 36 and just really experienced true love. I don't know how long ill live, but to almost be 40 and just truly know true love is amazing to me. Everyone I know had true love when they were on their teens or twenties. Sometimes what you think is love really isn't when you really see what its like. S and i also could not be together. She was going to stay with her husband and move overseas so I knew it would never work, but I know she was in love with me. Just one of the lost loves...will remember her for the rest of my life.
East7 Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 YES ! it is definitely harder to get over an Affair than from a normal relationship. Affairs are emotional trauma. That is also valid for betrayted spouses whose pain is extremely intense and hard to heal. Get ready for the roller-coaster. Like Carhill said, I experienced that the disconnect came with the clarity. While affair was some muddy water, the clarity brought me serenity and peace. However I am not sure which came first clarity or disconnect ? They both come in pair I guess.
woinlove Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 YES ! it is definitely harder to get over an Affair than from a normal relationship. Affairs are emotional trauma. That is also valid for betrayted spouses whose pain is extremely intense and hard to heal. Get ready for the roller-coaster. Like Carhill said, I experienced that the disconnect came with the clarity. While affair was some muddy water, the clarity brought me serenity and peace. However I am not sure which came first clarity or disconnect ? They both come in pair I guess. I agree an A can be harder to get over and I also experienced the same thing as you - clarity and disconnect. But I think it is important to want to move on and to live life fully, to be open to loving even more. I think it is also possible to not move on, ever, if one doesn't want to. Some people spend the rest of their lives nurturing memories of the past. Not the way I would want to live.
KeepMeInMind Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 That's exactly how I feel about S..she is my once in a lifetime love. I mean, I'm 36 and just really experienced true love. I don't know how long ill live, but to almost be 40 and just truly know true love is amazing to me. Everyone I know had true love when they were on their teens or twenties. Sometimes what you think is love really isn't when you really see what its like. S and i also could not be together. She was going to stay with her husband and move overseas so I knew it would never work, but I know she was in love with me. Just one of the lost loves...will remember her for the rest of my life. I feel your pain. I really do. I gave an example of a friend, but I'll tell you my story, too. xMM (it pains me to even put that x there) and I were friends a few years, became lovers, and our love was deep and the connection was unreal. We clicked in every way. I still absolutely adore him. Every little thing about him..his laugh, his smile, his voice, his sneezes, the way he stands, the way he walks..all of his mannerisms. Had weird coincidences with him daily, too, during the affair. We got to the point that we knew we wanted to be together. We planned our exit strategies. I knew it would be harder for him because his marriage was not bad, just missing something emotionally. They lacked things in common, too. They just stayed together bc they never fought. Anyway, a few weeks into us being together, his guilt over what he did to his wife ended our relationship. He's been back with her for 2 months. I'm devastated beyond words. The things he told me about his feelings for her vs his feelings for me, and knowing my own feelings, it's just one of those things where you're left asking WHY?! I'll never get over him. And I'll always compare every man to him. I'll love again..but..
frozensprouts Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 I'll never get over him. And I'll always compare every man to him. I'll love again..but.. i hope you don't mind a question... what if you met another guy with whom you had just as much in common and with whom things " just clicked" in the same way... do you feel you would be able to open your heart to them in the same way, or do you feel you'd always compare them to your ex? ( even subconsciously?)...do you think time and distance will change any of that?
KeepMeInMind Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 i hope you don't mind a question... what if you met another guy with whom you had just as much in common and with whom things " just clicked" in the same way... do you feel you would be able to open your heart to them in the same way, or do you feel you'd always compare them to your ex? ( even subconsciously?)...do you think time and distance will change any of that? I hope that I can let him go in that way. My mom went through a couple of similar ordeals. The only man she was every truly in love with just left out of the blue. Then she was involved with a MM for 4.5 years hoping he would leave and he never did. She tells me she has never gotten over either of them and always compares anyone else to them. She flat out told me, "You will always compare all others to him." The friend I mentioned said the same thing. I'd like to think I can forget him entirely, but my heart says I won't, and people who have been through similar ordeals tell me the same. Specifically the opening my heart part - I sure hope so. Because right now I am extremely guarded and want to stay that way. I've always been very open about my feelings, wear my heart on my sleeve, etc. But now, I don't want to because I am so afraid of going through this hell again.
Bellechica Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Ending an A can be very painful. I think it might be easier if both APs are married, but with my OM who was single, it was hard. He resented me being married and would mess with my head in so many ways. I think if both APs can come to a mutual agreement that the A isn't going to bring true happiness then it can be ended. Ultimately the A is a temporary escape, but it's pointless. No one ends up happy. I hated the affair roller coaster ride......elation at times, but a longing for something that I knew was wrong and well and of course the guilt.......
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