AloneInIowa Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 (edited) So, I have been married 7 years now. Right before our 5th anniversary I left him . Anyway, right after we got married, I was doing some cleaning and found his Viagra pills. He told me then that he was going to tell me about them and now that I know, he isn't going to take them anymore because they make him feel weird. Ok, well, that was that. Shortly after that he started to drink, a lot. I would get home from work and he would be at the bar after his job and this was most nights. He would ask me to join him but I am not a bar person and yes I would go sometimes but most of the time I worked late and I was tired after work so just would go home and make dinner for when he finally came home. Gosh I was so angry with no intimacy, his drinking and it just festered and festered but I stayed anyway for another 4 1/2 years. After being separated for 2 years now and after a lot of retrospect and thinking, I know he was in a depression. Adding fuel to the fire, several of his friends during those 5 years died from various causes and even one of them we found together after he had passed away and nobody could get in touch with him. It was one of his best friends. While I hadn't known his friends that passed as long as he did, I did know them for quite awhile and even before he and I got together so it was sad for both of us. Well, with the already mentioned, the big thing happened to me. With no warning whatsoever, my father committed suicide. I was completely devastated and wasn't the same anymore. By then, my husband and I had already stopped snuggling and all of that due to the intimacy problems and I think by all the blows we had been dealt with various other things that happened everything was a contributor such as my husband being diagnosed with severe COPD shortly after my dad's death. Then he lost his job and is now on disability. So, instead of turning to each other for comfort during all these times, I just folded up within myself and he of course drank. He wasn't ever a mean drunk by the way. I eventually moved into the spare bedroom too. No, we haven't filed for divorce and he doesn't want me to unless I want one. But, we still talk to each other from time to time. As time goes on, I am really missing him more and more. These last 2 years of being separated have made me do a lot of thinking. I know that my dad's suicide was like the straw that broke the camels back as far as my emotions with others were concerned and I know that I had to emotionally deal with it so I could finally accept and move on. He too had a lot of things to deal with. It has been a very long struggle for me but being alone, I have finally come to terms. I am willing to accept him for himself and know that there will never ever be any sex. It has been over 6 years with no sex for me and I am ok with that. I haven't dated or anything during this time and have no desire to. He said he has gone out on 2 dates but didn't like it. As I am writing this down here for the first time, I realize what a mess everything has been. I want to reconcile with him because being without him is like missing a part of me. On my birthday just over a month ago, I was out with some friends and he showed up. I was so elated to see him and we spent the rest of the evening just sitting together and talking about things in general. I told him I wanted him to come home (which isn't home but my home now and he said he didn't know if that was such a good thing) I need ideas on how to win him back. Invite him over for dinner a lot, ask him out, what? I know that he can't take me out much on his own because his finances aren't that great now. I am ok with that too as I have a very good paying job. Oh what to do, I am confused. Edited June 9, 2012 by AloneInIowa misspelling
Recommended Posts