RedRobin Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 Your wikipedia says differently Red Robin - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia Cute... You meant the restaurant. Yea, they have pretty good fries. I like the bird better though. Those have been around for centuries... I'm not quite that old, ha ha.
zengirl Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 (edited) you and I have been down this path before. I don't think that devoting a few weeks of my time or a handful of dates to get to know a man one-on-one as a 'commitment'. If the other guys can't wait a few weeks, then oh well. Yes, I have a very good indication of a man's character within a few weeks. I'm not in my 20's anymore. It isn't that tough to sort through. As people-centered and astute as you are now... I think in 20 years or so, you'll look back and realize how little you know now (comparitively). It's no different for me. Honestly, I didn't start multi-dating till my mid-20s, really. I started out NOT doing it when I was younger. I got attached too fast and overlooked dealbreakers. I used to form attachment almost instantaneously or not at all; as I matured, that changed. If I were single again in my 30s or 40s, I'd still multi-date. Absolutely. Why waste the time? Time is precious! I don't see being older as a reason not to do it. I can't know what I'll feel in 20 years --- I imagine I'd see it as a bit of a moot point, if I'm still married. fwiw, I never thought it was that "tough to sort through" per se. It generally wouldn't take me EVEN a few weeks to say no to someone. Generally, I get it done within 3 dates, which is 1-2 weeks, yes, but often I know after a single date -- so why not have another one lined up later in the week. However, I do think that saying, "No, I can't just now" and ringing a fellow up in a few weeks when you're done with the last is much ruder than just dating them both at once, before any kind of progression has happened with the R. If progression has happened, I always declined advances and never followed up with anyone I had to decline - you miss the chance, then that's how it goes. I think it's really quite rude to make men line up for a 'turn' first come, first served, personally, but we have different opinions on it. I'd much rather a man have a first date with me when he's also going out with different new women that week (no one he's already attached and committed to, obviously) than put me on a shelf and try to ring me up later when he's finished with one girl and decided she's not for him. I'd never go out with the man who had put me off, personally. You may think that bad character --- I think it good sense. Maybe months and months later, if synergy happened, and it could flow automatically, I'd go out with him, but anyone who makes dating overly complicated and awkward like that is not going to be someone I could flow with. I'd be continually wondering why I'd been shelved. And, of course, if he told me, I'd think it a lot of pressure for early dates. If he didn't tell me, I'd think he was just getting out of a more major R than it was OR that he was playing games. Edited June 12, 2012 by zengirl
Author irc333 Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 I tried to PM you Red Robin, but it says your mailbox is full. LOL Anyhow, so that's where the excuse, "I've been talking to someone, so I wanna see how that goes now." Even though the dating process there isn't entirely exclusive. I would say, conversing with multiple people and even seeing them for drinks/coffee or get togethers at the point where it hasn't yet become physical....because you're just feeling 2 or 3 people out here and there. But I think at the point it DOES become physical/affectionate....that's where you should just limit yourself to that ONE person. I'm sure people have their levels or thresholds they reach until they become mutually exclusive with only one person. I would like to ask , would you view someone of the opposite sex that you were trying to get to know, in a negative light or a red flag if they have a history of doing this? I'd caution against drawing too many conclusions. I know how old Zengirl is. She and I have a history of debating this particular topic (multi-dating)... which is why I brought it up. Not to use her or any one person in particular as an example... but there are some who 'seem' to make decisions best only when they have others to compare with and against. Others, for whatever reason, seem to manage being able to make decisions almost in a comparative 'vacuum'... or so it might appear to outsiders. I suspect we argue because our styles are polar opposites. As are our life-experiences.
Emilia Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Okay, I was in a group of women at a dinner gathering. They were talking about men and dating. Apparently, this one woman stated, that her boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend) had told her....as a general thing, that men tend to cast their nets wide when meeting women....and that's what he did when he met her. I do the same as a woman and men find this equally offensive. I think people just do. They are scared that they were only caught because there wasn't anyone better around at the time.
Emilia Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 (edited) I got attached too fast and overlooked dealbreakers. I used to form attachment almost instantaneously or not at all; as I matured, that changed. If I were single again in my 30s or 40s, I'd still multi-date. Absolutely. Why waste the time? Time is precious! I don't see being older as a reason not to do it. I don't believe in multidating, I believe in working out someone before I start dating them. It's easier when you are older (you hope) because you have more life experience and your people picker improves. To me casting your net wide doesn't mean going out with several people simultaneously but talking to them, socialise with them and screen them to see whether they are potentially dating material. Edited June 12, 2012 by Emilia
LittlePrince Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Jesus was a fishermen. He cast his net wide and ended up celibate. Maybe there is a lesson to learn from this.
xxoo Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 To me casting your net wide doesn't mean going out with several people simultaneously but talking to them, socialise with them and screen them to see whether they are potentially dating material. I agree with this, ideally, but that assumes meeting people in daily life. With OLD, meeting and screening requires "dating"--but casually so. No sex until dating exclusively seems like a workable compromise to me.
RedRobin Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 However, I do think that saying, "No, I can't just now" and ringing a fellow up in a few weeks when you're done with the last is much ruder than just dating them both at once, before any kind of progression has happened with the R. If progression has happened, I always declined advances and never followed up with anyone I had to decline - you miss the chance, then that's how it goes. I think it's really quite rude to make men line up for a 'turn' first come, first served, personally, but we have different opinions on it. I'd much rather a man have a first date with me when he's also going out with different new women that week (no one he's already attached and committed to, obviously) than put me on a shelf and try to ring me up later when he's finished with one girl and decided she's not for him. I'd never go out with the man who had put me off, personally. You may think that bad character --- I think it good sense. Maybe months and months later, if synergy happened, and it could flow automatically, I'd go out with him, but anyone who makes dating overly complicated and awkward like that is not going to be someone I could flow with. I'd be continually wondering why I'd been shelved. And, of course, if he told me, I'd think it a lot of pressure for early dates. If he didn't tell me, I'd think he was just getting out of a more major R than it was OR that he was playing games. ... and that is where we differ and why we argue. I find your style rude and you find my style rude. One thing no man will ever have to question with me though, is my honesty. When I tell them I'm busy, they will know that I really am BUSY... not seeing Tom, Dick, and Harry and calling that 'busy'. They know that when I say I'm going out with FRIENDS that they are really FRIENDS. I've set the stage from day one for them to know that, if I'm seeing him it is because I want to see HIM... not consider my 'options'. You still don't acknowledge the fact that the man you married used MY process, not yours. You won't acknowledge that you were special to him from the beginning, nor do you acknowledge how that treatment might have flowed into your willingness to trust him. In this f*cked up age of dating, I just simply refuse to not give someone my full attention, nor will I allow men to treat me as an 'option'. I go in to every meeting like they are special... because that is how I wish to be treated. Does it mean we will be compatible? No, but I'd like to think that their time with me was special and unique. Not a trip through the fast-food aisle. If my style means I get to have periods of being 'alone', so be it. It beats the alternative. p.s. They may or may not be lining up. I don't expect any man to 'line up' for me. Just like I won't 'line up' for a guy. If he told me he wanted to see how things worked out with another lady after I approached him, I'd be happy he told me that rather than agree to see me, THEN telling me. What a huge waste of my time. If they aren't available after I've chosen to see the first guy for a few weeks, then so be it. That's the chance I take. Big deal.
RedRobin Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 I don't believe in multidating, I believe in working out someone before I start dating them. It's easier when you are older (you hope) because you have more life experience and your people picker improves. To me casting your net wide doesn't mean going out with several people simultaneously but talking to them, socialise with them and screen them to see whether they are potentially dating material. This works for me...
Emilia Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 (edited) I agree with this, ideally, but that assumes meeting people in daily life. With OLD, meeting and screening requires "dating"--but casually so. Yes, this is why OLD doesn't work for me and meeting men in real life does. I don't want to date every guy whose resume looks good on the net to find out who he is. Partly because the danger of letting someone good slipping through your fingers when you are picking people off a site is much greater. I think putting the effort into building a decent social life pays off medium to long term. Edited June 12, 2012 by Emilia 1
zengirl Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 (edited) You still don't acknowledge the fact that the man you married used MY process, not yours. I've already said he didn't multidate. However: He used a totally different process. He literally had no interest in anyone else once he met me. It wasn't a philosophical stance, like yours is --- it was literally that he already knew he wanted to date me for a long time and possibly marry me. Yet he didn't feel any compulsion to pressure me to feel the same yet. I think that process is not rude at all and totally fine, but you are literally putting men in line and considering other men, just the same as multi-dater, just in order instead, and yes, you may stop at 1, but if you do, it isn't because you ALREADY know you're head over heels for him. These men AREN'T special to you yet. You don't know that or feel that yet. That's what I think makes it different --- it's just a philosophical restriction. Anytime I felt a man was special, I didn't see others. This often happens fairly quickly, but not the moment I meet them. ETA: It comes down to this. If everyone is special from the moment you meet them, then IMO, no one IS special. Starting out special and weeding out the reasons why one is not seems backwards to me and kind of rude/mean to do to someone. I don't want a man to ASSUME I'm special before he knows me. That's a recipe for disaster! I want him to decide I'm special or not, based on what he learns about me, as Hubby did. Hubby has no philosophical reasoning against multi-dating. He just has a style where he becomes quickly attached or not, but it's real --- not intellectual --- attachment. Edited June 12, 2012 by zengirl
RedRobin Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 I think that process is not rude at all and totally fine, but you are literally putting men in line and considering other men, just the same as multi-dater, just in order instead I am not considering or putting any man in line. Three men in a very short period asked for my number and all three corresponded back with me. I'm going to see the man who contacted me first and sincerely gage my interest in him without juggling. I will give him a sincere impression of what my day-to-day life looks like without reserve. He will have more than a date or two to show who he is too. This is how I feel the best relationships develop. Organically and without constant juggling of other 'options'. The other men may or may not still be available after this process. If they are, then I haven't polluted any potential with them by juggling and fibbing about my life and whereabouts.
RedRobin Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 I've already said he didn't multidate. However: He used a totally different process. He literally had no interest in anyone else once he met me. It wasn't a philosophical stance, like yours is --- it was literally that he already knew he wanted to date me for a long time and possibly marry me. Yet he didn't feel any compulsion to pressure me to feel the same yet. I think that process is not rude at all and totally fine, but you are literally putting men in line and considering other men, just the same as multi-dater, just in order instead, and yes, you may stop at 1, but if you do, it isn't because you ALREADY know you're head over heels for him. These men AREN'T special to you yet. You don't know that or feel that yet. That's what I think makes it different --- it's just a philosophical restriction. Anytime I felt a man was special, I didn't see others. This often happens fairly quickly, but not the moment I meet them. ETA: It comes down to this. If everyone is special from the moment you meet them, then IMO, no one IS special. Starting out special and weeding out the reasons why one is not seems backwards to me and kind of rude/mean to do to someone. I don't want a man to ASSUME I'm special before he knows me. That's a recipe for disaster! I want him to decide I'm special or not, based on what he learns about me, as Hubby did. Hubby has no philosophical reasoning against multi-dating. He just has a style where he becomes quickly attached or not, but it's real --- not intellectual --- attachment. We are all special to someone. That doesn't mean he and I will be compatible as partners. But I will still treat them as 'special' because... my time is valuable and so is theirs.
zengirl Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 This is how I feel the best relationships develop. Organically and without constant juggling of other 'options'. The other men may or may not still be available after this process. I don't feel going on 3 dates in a week is juggling, nor do I feel it's inorganic. YOUR way seems inorganic to me. I would agree the best relationships develop organically, and I don't see it as a juggling of options, just saying yes or no to every opportunity on its own merits (rather than 'who asked first'), until I am committed, emotionally or practically, to someone who is special to me.
RedRobin Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 I tried to PM you Red Robin, but it says your mailbox is full. LOL Anyhow, so that's where the excuse, "I've been talking to someone, so I wanna see how that goes now." Even though the dating process there isn't entirely exclusive. I would say, conversing with multiple people and even seeing them for drinks/coffee or get togethers at the point where it hasn't yet become physical....because you're just feeling 2 or 3 people out here and there. But I think at the point it DOES become physical/affectionate....that's where you should just limit yourself to that ONE person. I'm sure people have their levels or thresholds they reach until they become mutually exclusive with only one person. I would like to ask , would you view someone of the opposite sex that you were trying to get to know, in a negative light or a red flag if they have a history of doing this? PM box all cleaned up. About the physical/affectionate part. The main reason why I prefer seeing one man at a time is because I don't want any overlap. It really bothers me to think that I've just had a special time with a man...not involving sex, per se... but kissing, cuddling, feeling intimate... and thinking he's off testing the waters with another woman doing the same thing. That is what alot of guys who are multidating either are doing or trying to do... and are then surprised when I feel a bit grossed out after the fact. These are the same guys I dump when they want to be 'exclusive' because I either found out they were lying about their whereabouts, or they tell me they were seeing multiple women while they were seeing me and now they 'chose' me. Blech. All I can think about is all the special times that weren't special at all and it makes me ill. Man, do they get pissed. I do tell them very early that I only believe in seeing men one at a time... of course, they LOVE this... not understanding that the judgement works both ways. Would I view someone in a negative light if I knew they had a history of doing what? Multi-dating? Yes, I would view it as a major negative if they were physically intimate with more than one woman at a time. I would be very cautious with men who had gone for extensive periods in the past and multidated or who treated sex casually. If they had tried multi-dating in the past and decided it wasn't for them, then that is fine with me... especially if the 'multi-dating' were done while doing OLD. That venue seems particularly suited for multi-dating, which is why I don't do it anymore. Doesn't fit my style of getting to know people. If they are multi-dating IRL, that's a huge red flag to me. Yes, that would be a negative.
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