LittlePrince Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 Was the word "meeting", not "dating"? That's not necessarily multi-dating then, is it? That could be just being very open minded about what kind of woman you might want to date, flirting widely, and seeing where mutual interest develops. I think that sounds like a great idea! That sounds like a strategy for conquest and victory but not love.
LittlePrince Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 No one likes to eat at a restaurant with an empty parking lot. I should stop preferring those restaurants then?
Sid6.7 Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 I should stop preferring those restaurants then? I suppose it depends on the cuisine and your appetite.
RedRobin Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 (edited) No one likes to eat at a restaurant with an empty parking lot. Especially not the lemmings and sheep. By all means, follow the crowd. I see the McDonald's parking lot is rarely empty. Edited June 10, 2012 by RedRobin
fortyninethousand322 Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 I don't get the issue here. A "wide net" is going to catch more fish right? Most guys don't exactly have women throwing themselves at them. So if anyone is expecting guys to just sit back or cast a small net, they're kind of fooling themselves. Unless you're one of those people who job hunts by sending out a resume a week.
sid3 Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 I don't get the issue here. A "wide net" is going to catch more fish right? Most guys don't exactly have women throwing themselves at them. So if anyone is expecting guys to just sit back or cast a small net, they're kind of fooling themselves. Unless you're one of those people who job hunts by sending out a resume a week. Following your analogy I'd say its no different than going on several interviews before making a decision. Others choose to jump on the first offer they get. 1
fortyninethousand322 Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 Following your analogy I'd say its no different than going on several interviews before making a decision. Others choose to jump on the first offer they get. Yeah more or less. A lot of people want to feel special but unless it's someone you've known for a while, you're not going to be special to them until you're special to them. 3
Author irc333 Posted June 11, 2012 Author Posted June 11, 2012 Yeah more or less. A lot of people want to feel special but unless it's someone you've known for a while, you're not going to be special to them until you're special to them. Right, faulting someone them not treating you special FIRST off, is quite unrealistic. Isn't the end results what counts? I mean, someone here mentioned they'd dump a guy if he would ever admit to that. You mean you'd throw away a 5 year relationship wtih a guy, JUST because he said that? LOL
zengirl Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 Okay, I was in a group of women at a dinner gathering. They were talking about men and dating. Apparently, this one woman stated, that her boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend) had told her....as a general thing, that men tend to cast their nets wide when meeting women....and that's what he did when he met her. I don't know what that even means TBH. I multi-dated when I met my husband. I never gave up my freedom without a commitment and a strong intent to be with someone, neither of which come the minute you meet someone. I suppose I 'cast my net wide' to find someone so perfect for me. As xxoo says, when meeting others, it's good to have an open mind as to what might make you happy --- nothing wrong with that. There are some people who are really looking for love and others who are looking for "top value" in their minds or something equally silly and others who take whatever they can easily get. Only the first group has any interest for me, but all 3 groups can cast a wide or narrow net, and it tells me very little about how much effort a man will put in, whether he can seek a connection that is special, or how he views relationships. I don't care if a man meets women with a sniper rifle approach or a shotgun approach, really. I care what he does NEXT. Personally, I find a shotgun approach more reasonable, since a sniper rifle approach leads to developing crushes, and crushes are a very bad idea for men or women and a sign of immaturity, IMO. Most crushes are unrequited, after all, so better to not develop that level of intensity based on someone you hardly know; even if the person returns feelings, you're assuming a lot about them and developing fondness for YOUR idea of them, rather than who they really are. At any rate, a sniper rifle, single-focus mindset can just as easily be looking for superficial top value or whatever they can easily get, quite often the latter. It's what a man does when he gets to know a woman that's really telling.
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 Personally I cast a very small net because I know what I'm interested in and know what I like and want....I don't need all these fish to figure out the right one, I already know what works and what doesn't although some people feel that doing this is being open-minded...for men casting a wide net at least I see it as looking for sex, however If he ends up in a relationship I don't think that means he wasn't. Either way for me, I know what women I find most compelling and I attribute that more to my relationship experience knowing what is compatible or a good match for me. It's easy for me to find relationship material because I think there are a lot of great women out there and wouldn't have to look very far, however If I were to just look for sex and maybe set relationship as a small possibility if it comes along I could cast the net as wide as it can go...since men can have sex with women of any kind or type. I don't really understand the concept of multi-dating and casting wide nets looking for a relationship, it makes me wonder if you know yourself well enoughto know what you want or like...is it that difficult to choose and figure out If you're compatible and have chemistry with someone? are we desperate or just shooting in the dark hoping something sticks? the concept and state of mind feels a bit foreign unless you're very young...teens, early to mid 20s. Although I've talked with some women who have a hard time finding compatibility and chemistry when I personally think they should have no problem because they are good catches...but that just might be my opinion or my experience with them.
zengirl Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 I don't really understand the concept of multi-dating and casting wide nets looking for a relationship, it makes me wonder if you know yourself well enoughto know what you want or like...is it that difficult to choose and figure out If you're compatible and have chemistry with someone? are we desperate or just shooting in the dark hoping something sticks? the concept and state of mind feels a bit foreign unless you're very young...teens, early to mid 20s. When I was dating, I certainly multi-dated, but that didn't mean I didn't know what I wanted. I was narrowing it down all through dating and by my last couple Rs before Hubby had it mostly figured out. The last few BFs I had in my dating experiences are all quite similar in a myriad of ways. But it's not as though I was given Hubby's name and told, "This guy is the guy." I had to FIND him! That meant going on a lot of dates with guys who weren't him. To me: Casting a net wide doesn't mean you won't know the right fish when you catch it or be fairly confident in what to throw back. It MAY mean that, but it may not. Many people seem a lot alike, but you're looking for something that's not exactly going to be narrowed down to traits, let alone traits you'll know from the get-go before you know the person, if you're looking for real love. Some people find that best done one at a time, or only meet people who match their initial standards rarely. My standards for a 1st date were never that stringent, but my standards for sex, commitment, and a relationship were fairly stringent. Led to a lot of fish being thrown back, sure, but being willing to meet and get to know them led to finding Hubby. After all, so many of my standards weren't things you could just SEE! I had to figure out if the men had them. Of course, I met hubby in my mid 20s. So, yes, there was some time spent narrowing these things down and so forth, but I actually was much more likely to date with a fixation on ONE person when I was younger, more immature, and not sure what I was looking for --- it led to me getting attached to men who were not husband-material for me (all but 1 were good men in general, but we had fundamental incompatibilities I overlooked for too long because I was already attached too early). I feel like waiting at least a few dates in to commit to someone and committing slowly over time just made more sense to me and worked out better for me. That's what I did with the last few Rs and Hubby, not focusing on solely 1 man until I had reason to think we may have fundamental compatibility and I knew him as a person, etc, etc. Granted, if you're lucky enough to meet your potential partner through friends and know him/her well already, you may be able to make that judgment from the get-go. But I was always open to meeting people from a variety of sources.
Author irc333 Posted June 11, 2012 Author Posted June 11, 2012 Believe me, I used to think as YOU do, but I hardly anymore....why? Because I used to cast a smaller net, like you. I do know what I want, and even found women who were completely compatible with me, but yet....the feeling wasn't mutual, even though they knew we had common interests and belief system, they just didn't think of me "that way". After this has happened several times, I figured it really doesn't matter, that I just might as well cast a wider net. Personally I cast a very small net because I know what I'm interested in and know what I like and want....I don't need all these fish to figure out the right one, I already know what works and what doesn't although some people feel that doing this is being open-minded...for men casting a wide net at least I see it as looking for sex, however If he ends up in a relationship I don't think that means he wasn't. Either way for me, I know what women I find most compelling and I attribute that more to my relationship experience knowing what is compatible or a good match for me. It's easy for me to find relationship material because I think there are a lot of great women out there and wouldn't have to look very far, however If I were to just look for sex and maybe set relationship as a small possibility if it comes along I could cast the net as wide as it can go...since men can have sex with women of any kind or type. I don't really understand the concept of multi-dating and casting wide nets looking for a relationship, it makes me wonder if you know yourself well enoughto know what you want or like...is it that difficult to choose and figure out If you're compatible and have chemistry with someone? are we desperate or just shooting in the dark hoping something sticks? the concept and state of mind feels a bit foreign unless you're very young...teens, early to mid 20s. Although I've talked with some women who have a hard time finding compatibility and chemistry when I personally think they should have no problem because they are good catches...but that just might be my opinion or my experience with them.
boytoy Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 I would never knowingly compete for a man. Don't care how big a hot-shot he thinks he is.... or might actually be. I'm gonna call bull**** on that one. Are you saying that if the man of your dreams showed interest in you, but you had to compete with other women to get him, you wouldn't rise to the challenge? Sounds hard to believe... There is always a degree of awesomeness that would make you desperate for a man and willing to do anything.
RedRobin Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 Yeah more or less. A lot of people want to feel special but unless it's someone you've known for a while, you're not going to be special to them until you're special to them. Agreed. And all of the little fibs the multi-daters tell while they are 'getting to know' someone are ridiculously transparent to anyone with half a brain. Then, they are surprised when they get cast aside... and the vicious cycle keeps returning. They don't treat others as special, they pile up their dance cards because they get dropped for not treating others as special, then they feel the need to keep filling up their dance cards. Rinse, repeat.
RedRobin Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 I'm gonna call bull**** on that one. Are you saying that if the man of your dreams showed interest in you, but you had to compete with other women to get him, you wouldn't rise to the challenge? Sounds hard to believe... There is always a degree of awesomeness that would make you desperate for a man and willing to do anything. I can provide a long list of examples of men I've chosen not to compete over.... some were quite surprised about that too. There is not a man on this planet that would make me desperate to do anything to keep or get. Feel free to talk to my ex H about that one. If the interest and effort isn't mutual, it isn't a 'relationship'. Not worth my time.
ThaWholigan Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 Agreed. And all of the little fibs the multi-daters tell while they are 'getting to know' someone are ridiculously transparent to anyone with half a brain. Then, they are surprised when they get cast aside... and the vicious cycle keeps returning. They don't treat others as special, they pile up their dance cards because they get dropped for not treating others as special, then they feel the need to keep filling up their dance cards. Rinse, repeat. Do you not think it may be in the best interests of some men to cast a wide net if they find it difficult to get interest from a woman on a typical one-to-one basis? (just a question)
RedRobin Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 (edited) Do you not think it may be in the best interests of some men to cast a wide net if they find it difficult to get interest from a woman on a typical one-to-one basis? (just a question) I think it is wise for people to always be open to engaging other human beings in social interactions of all kinds. Male or female. I'm fascinated by people and their experiences and can easily chat up anyone, anywhere. To the extent that many of these interactions by others are done solely with the intention of romance and sex... yes. I think the 'cast net' theory has it's limitations. Edited June 11, 2012 by RedRobin
zengirl Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 I can provide a long list of examples of men I've chosen not to compete over.... some were quite surprised about that too. There is not a man on this planet that would make me desperate to do anything to keep or get. Feel free to talk to my ex H about that one. If the interest and effort isn't mutual, it isn't a 'relationship'. Not worth my time. I wouldn't compete for a man either, but I guess I don't think of it as competition. It's about finding out whether 2 people have synergy before diving in crazy-fast and getting stuck in something that isn't right. Commitment should come as a result of truly knowing the person, I'd think.
RedRobin Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 I wouldn't compete for a man either, but I guess I don't think of it as competition. It's about finding out whether 2 people have synergy before diving in crazy-fast and getting stuck in something that isn't right. Commitment should come as a result of truly knowing the person, I'd think. you and I have been down this path before. I don't think that devoting a few weeks of my time or a handful of dates to get to know a man one-on-one as a 'commitment'. If the other guys can't wait a few weeks, then oh well. Yes, I have a very good indication of a man's character within a few weeks. I'm not in my 20's anymore. It isn't that tough to sort through. As people-centered and astute as you are now... I think in 20 years or so, you'll look back and realize how little you know now (comparitively). It's no different for me.
boytoy Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 I'm not in my 20's anymore. It isn't that tough to sort through. As people-centered and astute as you are now... I think in 20 years or so, you'll look back and realize how little you know now (comparitively). It's no different for me. How old are you, RedRobin? I ask because I'm curious at what age women reach your level of maturity...
LittlePrince Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 How old are you, RedRobin? I ask because I'm curious at what age women reach your level of maturity... 43 years of yum and counting.
RedRobin Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 How old are you, RedRobin? I ask because I'm curious at what age women reach your level of maturity... I'd caution against drawing too many conclusions. I know how old Zengirl is. She and I have a history of debating this particular topic (multi-dating)... which is why I brought it up. Not to use her or any one person in particular as an example... but there are some who 'seem' to make decisions best only when they have others to compare with and against. Others, for whatever reason, seem to manage being able to make decisions almost in a comparative 'vacuum'... or so it might appear to outsiders. I suspect we argue because our styles are polar opposites. As are our life-experiences.
LittlePrince Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 nope......... Your wikipedia says differently Red Robin - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
LittlePrince Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 I'd caution against drawing too many conclusions. I know how old Zengirl is. She and I have a history of debating this particular topic (multi-dating)... which is why I brought it up. Not to use her or any one person in particular as an example... but there are some who 'seem' to make decisions best only when they have others to compare with and against. Others, for whatever reason, seem to manage being able to make decisions almost in a comparative 'vacuum'... or so it might appear to outsiders. I suspect we argue because our styles are polar opposites. As are our life-experiences. All of the best relationships started like a good old trip to the mall with only the best shopping around techniques utilized.
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