being friends with an ex - possible?

[kourix]

my ex and i dated for a short while last year but didn't work out. he said he didn't want a r/s and had no feelings (only physical ones towards me). so we parted and started NC. however, and this is the 4th time it's happening, we'll go NC, then he'll start texting me after about a month or so, we'll hang out and try to be friends, and it'll all get too messy and we go NC again. this time he started texting me about two months after the last NC. i had completely gotten over him so after a few weeks we met up for lunch.

 

i know it's not recommended that exes be friends, but is it possible? but the main point of this thread is i'm really upset with the way he treats me "as a friend", but i'm not sure if i should confront him about it. i really enjoy his company, and vice versa, we both admitted that, and there's no sex involved. we just click very well.

 

what i don't like about is, the last time we met, he insisted that he knew i was "still in love with him", even though i denied it. he claimed he could "feel it and see it and the only way i'll believe you're not is when you have a new boyfriend", and it made me really uncomfortable. i wanna be friends with him, but he makes it tough. with my other male friends, we can see each other up to 3x a week and simply text everyday. i can just say "hey wanna go for dinner" etc and vice versa without feeling uncomfortable. but after what x said, i knew i couldn't just treat him like how i treat the rest. if i asked him out for dinner, he was gonna think i did it because i missed him and wanted to see him and have his babies.

 

also, after "believing i was in love", he still went ahead to book tickets for our trip the NEXT day, which i found weird. i mean, if i was going on a trip with someone who was interested in me, and i didn't feel the same, i know i would cancel, it'd be too weird. i think it would be just pure torture for me to go on a trip with a guy i know is in love with and i'm not with him. i'd feel so bad and weird. what if he tries to get all couply with me?!

 

we planned two trips together - and have the tickets booked for one. first one's a weekend trip, and the other is a week-long trip. he has booked the week-long trip already. we made plans for the weekend trip a month back which was supposed to happen in 2 weeks. since he had booked the week-long trip, i offered to book the weekend one (i was supposed to book it earlier but wasn't comfortable). one week ago he was asking me to go, now, he simply replied "nope, i might not be free." i waited for an explanation, none came.

 

so i say to him "you know what, if you're uncomfortable just say it and we can forget about this trip. i don't schedule trips and bail on you. we made this plan weeks ago. that's so not nice to do that" and he replies "no i actually forgot about this. my friend got me the coupon a long time ago and i forgot about it until he mentioned it recently." still no apology. a few hours later, he says "how about going the week after?"

 

he makes me feel like a dispensable choice, blowing me off because something "more fun" came up. and i feel like i don't deserve that.

 

i stop replying because i've had it.

 

i don't know, i'm just very confused about it all. if he "knows" that i'm still in love with him, why would he still want to go on the trips with me?

 

when i asked why he kept coming back, he mentioned "i messaged you again because after going on the 100 000th date and it turning out to be just like all the others, meaningless, i just wanted to talk to you again". so i know it's not because of sex, because he's never tried having sex with me. i dont know if he's lonely if he can be going out with a new girl every week, and if like he said, they're pretty fun, i don't understand why he doesn't just carry on going out with them instead of coming back to me.

 

i'm tired of us doing the whole tango (hangout-complicated-stop contacting for a month-text-hangout-complicated-stop contacting for a month) etc etc, he must be too. so why can't he just let me live in peace without him?

 

and should i confront him about how uncomfortable he makes me feel? or just go NC until the trip approaches?

[gbadboy]

Hey,

 

The answer to your problem is simple in theory but difficult in practice.

 

If you have feelings for your ex -YOU CANNOT AND MUST NOT be friends with him. Cut him off COMPLETELY. Block off facebook (dont delete - but BLOCK him....there's a difference).

 

Deleting his number is ideal but chances are you memorized it . If you must, block his number (most smart phones have a feature now in their hardware) - or if you are really hung up on him - change your number.

 

I know you dont want to do this nor hear this but ask yourself this - What is more painful? Cutting him off completely OR downgrading yourself to a friend and having him not give you what you want?

 

Why put yourself through this?

 

THe reason why he wants to be friends is b/c he wants to fill a void. Sooner or later another girl will come along and what then?

 

listen - I know what Im talking about. I went through a horrible break up last year. It was so bad. Not only did my ex leave me, but he was seeing my best friend for MONTHS behind my back. I was devestated. crushed.

 

I took drastic measures because the hurt was too much..not only dealing with my ex but also dealing with the betrayal of my "so called" best friend of 14 years. They moved in together.

 

I changed my number, cut them off and now Im happy months later. The first 2 months were tough but it gets better.

 

Remember NC gives you power. It makes them realize what they lost.

 

If you keep staying in his life then he'll never know what he is missing. Allow him to feel some lost. Allow him to see what its like without you..........He'll never know that if you're always around and hence he will take you for granted always.

[nanbullen]

If you can honestly say you'll be happy for him when he introduces you to his new girlfriend then I suppose it can be done.

 

Also, the fact that you're upset that he thinks you're in love with him makes me think you're not ready to be friends with him. I would think, if you had only platonic feelings you would brush it off. Maybe he's hitting a nerve.

 

Just from your post in general, i think trying to be friends with him is going to be very stressful for you. At least right now.

[geegirl]

This is the guy that treated you badly, used you for sex and once said he only missed you a "little". If I am correct, the fact that you want to be friends with a "douche" (your description of him) leads me to believe you are not over him. If your brain has kicked in, which hapoens when you are over someone, you'll realize you don't need douchebags as friends. So you don't need this friendship so why tangle yourself with someone that treated you with disrespect? If these are your standards when allowing people into your life as a friend, you need to reevaluate.

Edited June 9, 2012 by geegirl