New relationship- when to let down your guard

[lifeasiknowit]

I need advice about being in a new relationship.

 

I have been in a committed relationship with a guy for about 3 months. He comes from a privileged family, is extremely intelligent, and has led a really easy life. So far everything is going great like it should during the honeymoon period of a relationship. However, I find it hard to open up to him on certain things.

 

My family is incredibly dysfunctional, and lately I've been depressed and stressed out from dealing with serious drama and problems my mother and sister are going through. Basically, we are dealing with my mother's boyfriend who we suspect of lying and cheating on my mother, as well as possibly abusing my younger sister.

 

When my boyfriend asks me about how I'm feeling, I don't want to open up and tell him that I'm depressed and about the details of my family problems, because I don't want to be a downer, nor do I need him to be my therapist. But I also feel like I should be able to express myself to him, even during the times when I feel bad.

 

I'm not sure if it's too early to reveal to him these things or if it just depends on the person. Will it freak him out? Will it be too much information too soon?

 

I just find it hard to hide the fact that I'm feeling down from him without telling him why I am feeling the way I'm feeling.

[Sid6.7]

You are pretty much spot on. He is not your therapist and I don't see how dragging him into your family life will improve things between the two of you. If you consider that improvement, you are severely misguided.

 

This has happened to me and I flat out told her what you said; I am not your therapist, save that stuff for your girlfriends or a professional.

 

If you are feeling down enough to start a thread about it here, you are down enough to seek professional help in regards to your family dealings. Your boyfriend is not a professional.

[lifeasiknowit]

You are pretty much spot on. He is not your therapist and I don't see how dragging him into your family life will improve things between the two of you. If you consider that improvement, you are severely misguided.

 

This has happened to me and I flat out told her what you said; I am not your therapist, save that stuff for your girlfriends or a professional.

 

If you are feeling down enough to start a thread about it here, you are down enough to seek professional help in regards to your family dealings. Your boyfriend is not a professional.

 

Well, I know it's probably not appropriate for a new relationship, but is it ever appropriate? How about when you've been with someone for years?

[Pierre]

I need advice about being in a new relationship.

 

I have been in a committed relationship with a guy for about 3 months. He comes from a privileged family, is extremely intelligent, and has led a really easy life. So far everything is going great like it should during the honeymoon period of a relationship. However, I find it hard to open up to him on certain things.

 

My family is incredibly dysfunctional, and lately I've been depressed and stressed out from dealing with serious drama and problems my mother and sister are going through. Basically, we are dealing with my mother's boyfriend who we suspect of lying and cheating on my mother, as well as possibly abusing my younger sister.

 

When my boyfriend asks me about how I'm feeling, I don't want to open up and tell him that I'm depressed and about the details of my family problems, because I don't want to be a downer, nor do I need him to be my therapist. But I also feel like I should be able to express myself to him, even during the times when I feel bad.

 

I'm not sure if it's too early to reveal to him these things or if it just depends on the person. Will it freak him out? Will it be too much information too soon?

 

I just find it hard to hide the fact that I'm feeling down from him without telling him why I am feeling the way I'm feeling.

 

It must be difficult to be in a relationship with the guard up.

 

If you have to have the guard up with your SO then you are in perpetual agony.

[Sid6.7]

Well, I know it's probably not appropriate for a new relationship, but is it ever appropriate? How about when you've been with someone for years?

 

It's never appropriate for a new relationship and I get the feeling you are trying to justify it in some manner. Correct me if I am wrong.

 

If two people are married and have been together for years that involves in-laws and that is a completely different game compared to your situation.

 

Why would you want to burden this new guy with a family history of dysfunction (as you put it) and risk a the potential for a blossoming relationship. If you do that you are coming out of the gate way to fast and way to strong. I will be the first to tell you, in my own opinion of course, I would be out. Done.

 

Why? Because I know I don't have do deal with this type of turmoil and I could do better, and truth be told, it's not my problem. Guess what? It isn't his either.

 

Consult a therapist. There is nothing wrong with it at all, in fact you would probably come out for the better.

[Leopard]

That's a tough one. I have a dark secret like that and I never revealed it to anyone until the man I am dating right now. It took me about over a year to reveal it to him, even though he kept asking and asking.

 

I asked him to respect my privacy and let me tell him whenever I am ready. That asking me to reveal these problems only made me uncomfortable and want to distance myself from him. He respected my wishes and was supportive even though he didn't know what was going on. Eventually I told him.

 

I don't think it's so much about letting down your guard as it is the gradual dissolving of the guard. It will disappear on it's own, but that takes time. You shouldn't have to decide if you want to tell him. One day you just will and you don't have to think about it.

 

I would talk to him and tell him what I told my boyfriend. If he truly loves you and cares, he will respect your wishes and privacy.

[Sid6.7]

 

I would talk to him and tell him what I told my boyfriend. If he truly loves you and cares, he will respect your wishes and privacy.

 

Agreed. However, this is only a three month relationship for them. Not exactly the same circumstances. They barely know anything about each other at this juncture.

[lifeasiknowit]

It's never appropriate for a new relationship and I get the feeling you are trying to justify it in some manner. Correct me if I am wrong.

 

If two people are married and have been together for years that involves in-laws and that is a completely different game compared to your situation.

 

Why would you want to burden this new guy with a family history of dysfunction (as you put it) and risk a the potential for a blossoming relationship. If you do that you are coming out of the gate way to fast and way to strong. I will be the first to tell you, in my own opinion of course, I would be out. Done.

 

Why? Because I know I don't have do deal with this type of turmoil and I could do better, and truth be told, it's not my problem. Guess what? It isn't his either.

 

Consult a therapist. There is nothing wrong with it at all, in fact you would probably come out for the better.

 

 

Well, my gut instinct is telling me it's not appropriate, but I guess I'm just trying to figure out how to not have it affect my moods, and the relationship as result. If I wasn't feeling depressed about it, I wouldn't feel the need to hide my mood or come up with excuses for feeling the way I am or feel the need to open up about it to him. I don't want it to affect our relationship, so it seems like therapy is the only way to go.

 

If the relationship becomes more serious, say in a year or so, I might tell him about it if there's a good reason to, but otherwise, I won't.

[Sid6.7]

Well, my gut instinct is telling me it's not appropriate, but I guess I'm just trying to figure out how to not have it affect my moods, and the relationship as result. If I wasn't feeling depressed about it, I wouldn't feel the need to hide my mood or come up with excuses for feeling the way I am or feel the need to open up about it to him. I don't want it to affect our relationship, so it seems like therapy is the only way to go.

 

If the relationship becomes more serious, say in a year or so, I might tell him about it if there's a good reason to, but otherwise, I won't.

 

That seems to be a sound plan.

 

By the way, telling him is not going to change how you feel, you felt this way before you met him. Sure he may want to comfort you in regards to your feelings, but that comfort will be very short lived and he is not suited to parse your entire family history. This is about you and your family, not him.

 

Good luck.

[RedRobin]

Pick your battles...

 

When you are just getting to know someone and trying to build trust, it is important to divulge those things that may have a notable impact on the other person.

 

However, I'd lean away from sharing details about your family for now, though, for lots of reasons. First of all, he's not in a position to help, really. He doesn't even know YOU all that well, much less them.

 

Second, you are just extending the 'drama' to another person... like a rock thrown in a pool... the waves just keep extending. This is your family. Find a way to deal with it. There was a time in my life when my family had alot of 'drama'... and it was affecting me. Eventually I had to tell them to grow up and deal with their own junk like adults. Guess what? They did. That was like 20 years ago. It's really amazing what happens when you start expecting accountability from people around you instead of letting them suck you in.

 

... but I digress. Share those things that you think he needs to know that illustrate your life, character, and goals (for better or worse). Deal with the rest on your own or with a professional. That's my best advice.

[spiderowl]

If the guy you are with isn't allowed to see the real you and the life you are dealing with then it's not a real relationship in my opinion. If he cares about you, he'll be supportive. If he is someone who can't cope with emotion or be at all empathic, then he'll opt out. But really, do you want to be with someone like that? There is a difference between telling someone about your life and dragging them into quarrels and drama. I'm sure you're responsible enough not to drag him into anything unnecessarily and in return he should be responsible enough to support you through your difficulties.

[betterdeal]

You could tell him you feel a bit down because of family matters and that you'd rather not discuss them with him just now. That way you do express how you feel, why, and don't push ownership onto him. It will help him understand where you are, and why, without overburdening him.

 

Keeping him out of it may be something you want to do for you sake too: having someone close in your life who you have good times with, and don't have the weight of those problems on can be a good thing for you too.

[lifeasiknowit]

Well, I've already mentioned to him that I'm estranged from my father, and have hinted at the existence of family drama, but I mean, almost everyone has some family issues. He handled that fine, but I think the most I would tell him is that I'm dealing with some family things that are stressing me out, but I'll keep it at that. However, I had a friend who told her boyfriend a lot (mother abused by father, ect) only 6 months into their relationship and it was fine. So, I don't know...

[Leopard]

Agreed. However, this is only a three month relationship for them. Not exactly the same circumstances. They barely know anything about each other at this juncture.

 

Hmm...

 

If I read properly, he is asking about these details no? If he is asking then maybe they are further along than we think?

 

I agree with another poster though, that giving all of this away too early is bad. I personally believe that everything has it's time. The less you worry about it, the more naturally it will come.

[lifeasiknowit]

Hmm...

 

If I read properly, he is asking about these details no? If he is asking then maybe they are further along than we think?

 

I agree with another poster though, that giving all of this away too early is bad. I personally believe that everything has it's time. The less you worry about it, the more naturally it will come.

 

Okay, I think I will just go with the flow, keep it vague but let him know I'm going through some difficulty with family stuff without going into details about it. However, he has mentioned wanting to meet my family eventually, and me meeting his. I think he can tell that I've been avoiding that, however, he hasn't asked me if anything is wrong.

[betterdeal]

Play it by ear. If he wants to know about it, I'm sure you'll detect that and can decide then if you want to share more of it.

[Sid6.7]

Hmm...

 

If I read properly, he is asking about these details no? If he is asking then maybe they are further along than we think?

 

 

He didn't ask anything in detail from my gathering of her post. He did ask about her feelings, her moods from what I understand. Her post outlined to us what is causing her moods and feelings. I believe he was asking what might be the symptom, and she is weighing on whether to divulge personal family issues to him in order to appease is curiosity in regards to her moods.

 

She also stated in her second sentence a period of about three months. Way to early involve him in something that is not his problem. This is no way to garner a healthy relationship in such a short bonding period, in my opinion as a Man of course.

[udolipixie]

Probably best suited not to let your guard down as your a heterosexual gal.

 

Probably better suited to get your possibly abused younger sister out of the environment and listen to what she says rather than be concerned about your relationship with a guy who likely doesn't have a permanent place in your life much less will be there in a year.

 

In my opinion it's too early to reveal these things to him and likely well suited to never do so for this and similar issues. It'll likely freak him out and place you in the short-term category or downgraded fwb until something better comes along.

 

If you find it hard to hide the fact you're feeling down from him try thinking that he likely doesn't care that when he asks how you're feeling all he wants to here is 'fine'. From my experiences guys have no to low interest in connecting with gals other than sexually and your emotions are regarded as unnecessary drama unless it involves adoring and praising him. When you want to express your feelings especially the negative ones perhaps seek out your friends for support and help. My wash away advice is if the guy's not blood or gay don't seek him to be of any emotional support or help as he won't care.

[Leopard]

Okay, I think I will just go with the flow, keep it vague but let him know I'm going through some difficulty with family stuff without going into details about it. However, he has mentioned wanting to meet my family eventually, and me meeting his. I think he can tell that I've been avoiding that, however, he hasn't asked me if anything is wrong.

 

Tell him that you don't think it's a good idea. If he asks why, then tell him you don't feel comfortable talking about it.

 

He didn't ask anything in detail from my gathering of her post. He did ask about her feelings, her moods from what I understand. Her post outlined to us what is causing her moods and feelings. I believe he was asking what might be the symptom, and she is weighing on whether to divulge personal family issues to him in order to appease is curiosity in regards to her moods.

 

She also stated in her second sentence a period of about three months. Way to early involve him in something that is not his problem. This is no way to garner a healthy relationship in such a short bonding period, in my opinion as a Man of course.

 

Yes and no. He wants to meet her family, and she can't just avoid the issue altogether. Maybe he will think she is losing interest, or maybe he might think she isn't serious about him. She can't avoid somewhat mentioning that there is a family reason as to why he can't meet everyone. It's a sticky situation.

 

I wouldn't tell him the entire truth. In fact, I wouldn't want to mention family problems at all, but this is only what we think. Some people are far more ahead in 3 months than other couples are in years, so we can't really say.

 

Do what feels right. If there is absolutely no way out (like he keeps asking and asking and probing) then full out tell him. It would be his doing anyway, because he didn't allow you to avoid the question. From what I gather, you don't need to divulge anything. You can simply say "yes one day but not now" or "sure you can meet them but I don't think now is the time". As time goes on and you get serious, you can take it from there.

 

I have been told about problems and secrets from men I have dated for a short period of time even less than 3 months, and with some it felt weird (like they were asking for sympathy) but for others it felt okay, the timing was good and that's where the conversation led.

 

So like you said, go with the flow and life will take you exactly where you should go

[lifeasiknowit]

 

From my experiences guys have no to low interest in connecting with gals other than sexually and your emotions are regarded as unnecessary drama unless it involves adoring and praising him. When you want to express your feelings especially the negative ones perhaps seek out your friends for support and help. My wash away advice is if the guy's not blood or gay don't seek him to be of any emotional support or help as he won't care.

 

You make men sound so selfish. They can't all be like that, or am I being naive? I have decided not to tell him anything, or if I do, it will be something along the lines of "oh, I'm just dealing with some family issues right now" and that's it. But to have zero emotional support doesn't sound like a relationship. I mean, even when he's been feeling a bit down for whatever unknown reason, I don't mind, or are men so different?

[Sid6.7]

You make men sound so selfish. They can't all be like that, or am I being naive? I have decided not to tell him anything, or if I do, it will be something along the lines of "oh, I'm just dealing with some family issues right now" and that's it. But to have zero emotional support doesn't sound like a relationship. I mean, even when he's been feeling a bit down for whatever unknown reason, I don't mind, or are men so different?

 

There is a big difference between being selfish and having self interest. Many people confuse to the two, especially women.

[lifeasiknowit]

There is a big difference between being selfish and having self interest. Many people confuse to the two, especially women.

 

How about this part "From my experiences guys have no to low interest in connecting with gals other than sexually and your emotions are regarded as unnecessary drama unless it involves adoring and praising him. "

 

That sounds selfish to me.

[udolipixie]

You make men sound so selfish. They can't all be like that, or am I being naive? I have decided not to tell him anything, or if I do, it will be something along the lines of "oh, I'm just dealing with some family issues right now" and that's it. But to have zero emotional support doesn't sound like a relationship. I mean, even when he's been feeling a bit down for whatever unknown reason, I don't mind, or are men so different?

 

I'm making statements based on what guys themselves say and my and other guys and gals experiences. Different perceptions as I find it dismissive not selfish.

 

I highly doubt all guys are like that and I highly doubt the majority isn't like that as it seems gals emotions are regarded as bothersome, a hassle, unnecessary drama, crazy, and such.

 

As for you not minding when he's down I think guys are different in that they associate it with being used as an emotional tampon and regard negative emotions as the enemy that may lead to having to endure hearing you talk or not getting sex.

[wordrock]

Play it by ear. If he wants to know about it, I'm sure you'll detect that and can decide then if you want to share more of it.

 

I agree with this. You know him better than we do. There is never one definite course of action... it really depends on what kind of person he is, what kind of person you are, and where the relationship is at. My belief is that if you are both really good for one another and have been open from the start, you should be able to tell him nearly anything. I really mean that. Although many people constantly often look for 'red flags' to avoid potential partners, I believe that if you've both reached a certain level of intimacy and trust, most emotional issues should not get in the way. If anything, you can use this as a marker to see what he's comfortable with. If he truly cares about you beyond casual level, he will want to be there for you... even if it's just giving you a hug and listening.

 

I personally will not pursue a relationship in which I don't feel comfortable enough to be open about all the skeletons in my closet past the first couple of months. For me, that is a sign that we aren't connecting very well. For others this is dependent on how fast you tend to move with a partner, and whether things are going anywhere. Play it by ear! Don't be afraid to scare a person off per se... if a guy will run off at the first sign of trouble... you're going to have to deal with that for the duration of the relationship. Are you ok with that?

[Disenchantedly Yours]

You are pretty much spot on. He is not your therapist and I don't see how dragging him into your family life will improve things between the two of you.

 

Yeah I'm sorry but sharing things about your personal life, even the more difficult less pretty stuff, doesn't mean you are turning your partner into your "therapist".

 

OP, I'd play this by ear for now. On one hand, I think 3 months is good enough time to start talking about more deep stuff. I'm sure you two are sleeping with one another (perhaps not), but if you are, then sharing other emotional stuff shouldn't send him running for the hills unless he is a little emotionally unevolved. When you do decide to tell him about your family stuff, I would just be practical about it and describe the situation and gage his response. Is he responsive? Supportive? Uninterested? Closed off? It's these things that show us who people really are.

 

Best of luck. I'll say a little prayer for you and your family and hope you can get your Mom and sister out of a really difficult situation. I'm sorry that this is happening for everyone involved.