pixie71 Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 So, I was dating someone (off and on) for almost 5 years. The relationship never progressed normally and at about 1-2 years in I realized that this person had a problem with alcohol (hence the "off and on"). He would binge drink, I would break up with him, he would beg forgiveness and I would take him back. This last time he had moved in with me (he had been living with me really the entire duration of our relationship but kept his own apartment for those binge drinking times that I would not allow him to stay with me) promising that those binge drinking days were over. He was very convincing and I wanted to believe this, of course. In 3 weeks following his moving in with me he got totally loaded 4 times on one occasion not returning home until 3:30am, when I had to get up at 4am to go to work! Not only did the problem seem to be escalating but disrespect seemed to be added to it. On the 4th occasion, I had had enough! Told him that it was over and that he needed to be completely moved out of my place (I own my condo) by the end of that weekend. For the first time in our entire relationship, he did just that and I had not heard from him for about a week and a half. I was fine. After all, the last time I'd seen him he was still hung over so that was the image that I had of him. And I hate the drunk him. However, he began texting me which led to seeing me, which has lead to sex. Neither one of us has broached the subject of reconciliation or him moving back in. In fact, now it seems that he doesn't even want that. Suddenly, I am heart broken. After all that I have been through for this relationship, all that I have endured ... he is rejecting me! Saying things like, "you're the one who kicked me out", "anything is better than dealing with me." and "you'll find someone else and be happy." Why didn't he just leave me alone?! Not to mention, there was a questionable pic that I'd found of him with a girl, that was taken while he was in Vegas 'with the guys" and toward the end I had unintentionally intercepted some suspect (to say the least) texts from a girl. OH! and lets not leave out that since "I kicked him out with so little notice" (nevermind his actions that caused that reaction) he has no choice but to rent a room in the house of another woman. Which he claims to be doing to save money to buy a house. This is not a man of limited financial means by the way, it's not as if he couldn't go rent an apartment on his own or even rent a room from one of his many male friends. When I explained to him that I didn't think renting a room in another woman's house was a good idea if he wanted to work things out with me, he said that I had left him little choice by putting him out the way that I did. Again ... putting the responsibility on me. I have started to attend Al-Anon meetings to try to help me deal with the confusion and grief that all of this has caused me. But still find myself thinking of him every moment of the day, crying myself to sleep and having to stop myself from calling or texting him. I'm sorry, I know that I'm rambling, and don't even know what I am looking for by posting this. I just have to move on, it is clear to me now. But I have worked so hard for so long on this relationship that I just don't know how.
CopingGal Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 This guy is not good for you. This guy is not good enough for you. Take the same amount of effort and energy you put into the relationship with him, and put that into a relationship with yourself. I will do the same. I'm going to be better to myself. Exercise more. Eat less, get more sleep. I'm going to "wine and dine" myself. You should do the same. This guy is unstable. He's doing you a favor by rejecting you. You need someone who isn't an alcoholic and who can be trusted. 2
nanbullen Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 I'm sorry you're going through this. 5 years is a long time. But people get divorced after being married a lot longer than that, after they've raised families and have grandkids. Keep things in perspective...sure it's a long time, but not as bad as spending another 5 years with him. My first serious boyfriend as an adult was an alcoholic. He drank every night and become very verbally abusive. I stayed with him for 4 years, and i finally left because I grew to pity this pathetic drunk. Now, when i look back on it i cant believe I spent 4 of the best years of my life on this tool. Don't think of it like 5 years invested...think of it as getting away before you waste another 5. I know it's hard. You're still very emotionally attached to him. Good luck. And it will get better even though i know you don't believe it. 1
spiderowl Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 You liked and cared for this guy enough to have him move in with you and he blew it, totally disrespected you and got plastered. Not surprisingly, you decided he'd gone too far and ended it. He wasn't prepared to leave it at that so he made sure you met up again and tried to get you involved again. Now, he's playing his trump card of 'it's all your fault and you threw me out so I can do what the hell I like'. He knows you loved him and he doesn't want to lose that. He is willing to mess with your head though and drag you through more stress. When you threw him out, you said you were 'OK with it' but do you think you were probably shutting out your feelings? Now that he's apparently rejecting you (though you saw through him first), the feelings are welling up and the extra hurt on top is overwhelming you. The guy is bad news for you. He's already manipulated you into letting him have new chances and yet you know, deep down, that he's going to wreck them. You risk being his puppet on a string if you continue to get involved with him. You hadn't really disentangled your emotions before but I really think you need to get out and distance yourself from this. I know it will hurt (it already is) but life with him would be a rollercoaster of emotion as you reconcile, separate, he plays around and gets drunk, you forgive him, reconcile, separate and so on. Only when you have maintained a distance for a while will you be able to see what a destructive situation you were in. I really hope you have the strength to cut this guy out for good before he causes you even more pain. 2
Author pixie71 Posted June 9, 2012 Author Posted June 9, 2012 to everyone who took the time to not only read but respond to my post. As I drove home from working my 12 hour graveyard shift as a 911 operator crying, arrived home only to cry the entire time that I walked my dogs and stood in my kitchen sobbing (even buckling to me knees at one point) as I cleaned out my lunch bag and prepared for another 12 hour shift tonight, I wondered what responses would be waiting for me. I am so glad that I logged on to check. You are all SO right and I know this but it is so nice to hear such supportive feedback. Spiderowl - you and I are totally on the same page with this. I absolutely agree. Nanbullen - I DO believe it CopingGal - I have been continuing to eat well and exercise throughout this whole ordeal. Forcing myself really, and even though it doesn't feel very good, imagine how much worse I would feel if I didn't.? Thank you, everything that you said is spot on!
Mr Scorpio Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 So, you own your own condo, you're an animal lover, and you have a career that helps others? You my lady, are a catch. No need to spend time with someone who toys with your emotions. There are plenty of men out there who wouldn't. 1
Author pixie71 Posted June 9, 2012 Author Posted June 9, 2012 HA! I never thought of it like that. Lol! Thank you
Hereiam007 Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 Ah, u guys have so much invested. Can you talk to him one last time and ask him if he needs medical help? I am leaning toward not to throw away the five years away.
spiderowl Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 Sorry you've been hurting so much; I do think it's good that you are going to Al-Anon and getting some support there. This guy has been drinking for a long time and you realised he had a problem with alcohol. He cannot control it, it is controlling him at the moment. He probably won't be able to keep promises made about not getting into that again until he accepts he has a problem with alcohol. I know a guy who has a similar problem. He's had it for over 20 years. During that time he has never given it up. He has been through a succession of girlfriends and two wives. All have left him and ended up avoiding him afterwards because they can't bear to see him destroying himself. His health is going downhill and he's had accidents and been injured. He still drinks. Maybe he'll never stop, he certainly shows no signs of wanting to. As long as you perceive your boyfriend as having a choice about his drinking, you'll see this as something he could control and that he could have made things better for you both. That probably makes it seem more hurtful. But, until he accepts he has a problem, he's not going to make that choice. If he doesn't choose to try to resolve this, he may end up on a slippery slope. Either way, he's not at the right place now for a relationship and you don't need to be dragged into this any more.
Author pixie71 Posted June 10, 2012 Author Posted June 10, 2012 Ah, u guys have so much invested. Can you talk to him one last time and ask him if he needs medical help? I am leaning toward not to throw away the five years away. I appreciate your input but I would be lying if I said that I was NOT surprised by it. Do you actually believe that I have not already addressed this to him? He doesn't believe that he has a problem. He goes out with the guys and gets drunk. What's the problem? Other that the fact that I can't deal with it. Therefore, it's my problem. In my own defense, I have not thrown the five years away, HE has. I have been an active participant in this relationship, doing all that I could to support him and make things better. Even now, that he is no longer living with me and has (for the most part) lost this relationship he is making no effort. Going out and drinking with the guys more than ever while I am attending Al-Anon meetings and seeking out advice and perspective from sources such as this website. In fact, he was out all night drinking with the guys just last night, while I was working and we made plans for him to be at my place with coffee at 2:30...at 2:15 I received a text from him that he was "running late, just getting in the shower"...I bet he was on time at the bar to meet with the guys last night.? I can only do so much. Where is the effort on his part?
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