Doubting my decision.

[Tejanita]

My parents have been very controlling all my life. They are very traditional Catholic Mexican parents and being born in the U.S. I always had opposing views to their concerns. The day I told them I had a boyfriend, they went crazy. I am 23 and have been with my boyfriend for over 2 years. A year ago, I left Texas for grad school in California. I wanted to leave because I wanted to get away from my parents. If I stayed in Texas, they would never let me grow and make my own mistakes. So, I left; but, I also left my boyfriend behind. We decided that we would give our long distance relationship a try. It has already been a year and a lot has happened. Everyday I wondered whether I made the correct decision because not only was I extremely homesick but I also missed my boyfriend so much.

 

Before I left, he begged for me to stay and wait another year for him to graduate. I knew I wanted to go to grad school since I started college and nothing was stopping me. I only had a year with my boyfriend and wasn't sure how our relationship would be a year from then. I thought that if we really loved each other then we could make it through a year. Initially, we had decided that he would come live with me in Cali after he graduated.

 

Plans didn't go as we thought. He hasn't been able to graduate yet because he works full-time. He constantly reminded me that I left him and was angry at me for life. We would talk on the phone everyday and visit each other whenever we could. We were only able to spend three or four days together for months at a time.

 

Well, I went to visit him last March and was alone most of the time because he works when he's not in class. We fought A LOT and we fought while I was visiting him. We had this huge fight on how I didn't care enough about our relationship that I left and that we would never be together for sure. The next day, he came home late and then left again and I thought he had gone to visit friends or something. We were still mad at each other from the night before and not speaking to each other.

 

I felt so guilty for leaving him behind that I seriously considered postponing grad school and moving back to Texas. All I wanted was to be with him and not to lose him. I felt that I was losing him. Well, recently I discovered that he cheated on me that night that he left again after work. I went to see him in Texas and he cheated on me while I was there. He slept with his supervisor that night. Thinking about it again makes me so mad, because I was ready to give up everything to be with him.

 

I went to Texas this summer before I took off for Mexico for fieldwork (I am there right now). I found out that he cheated on me and he was never going to tell me. Before I found out, everyday he treated me more like **** so I could break up with him; he felt guilty. Stupid me, I am so in love with him that I didn't want to break up with him. He always told me that I would never be free to do what I wanted because my parents would always control me. When I discovered his infidelity, I decided that it was time for me to let him go. And I was not about to let my parents know about my problems with my boyfriend because they would just say, "I told you so."

 

I broke up with him and went to stay with a friend. That same day, he called and called. I met with him and gave him the opportunity to tell me his side of the story. He begged me to take him back because he is sorry for what he did. The last thing I expected from him was to cheat on me. His reason for doing it is that he messed up. That was not a good excuse but he also said that he felt that we would never be together. Obviously, he did not trust that our relationship was strong enough to support a long distance relationship. This is exactly why I left for grad school.

 

He promised to change. He promised he wouldn't treat me bad. He promised to go live with me after he graduates. He promised that he would never again. He apologized a million times for hurting me and cheating on me. So I gave him another chance. I can't help it; I am truly in love with him. We all make mistakes and I don't want to live thinking about what would have happened if I didn't give him a second chance.

 

I'm wondering if I made the right decision? Should I have given him a second chance? I have noticed a difference in his way of being. He is nicer to me (maybe it's the guilt) and we don't fight anymore. But is this temporary? I am in Mexico right now and will return to Texas soon. I will be there for the rest of the summer and then return to California. I am afraid that our relationship will return to what it was before. I know/think that he loves me but I will always think about the time he cheated on me. That will always be in my mind. Sometimes I think that meaybe it was my fault that he cheated on me. I don't know. Can a person really change or not? What should I do?

[quankanne]

can a person really change?

 

I think so, but only if they're willing to work at change and are committed once they've made that change. But given the history between you and your boyfriend, my thought is that while change is possible for him, it's not probable because he was willing to make things work/fight for your relationship after your breakup (when he actually "lost" you), rather than figure out something while y'all were together to strengthen your relationship.

 

I could be wrong about all of this, and I hope I am. However, I've seen what time and distance apart does to a relationship that wasn't very strong to begin with.

 

The relationship you've got with your parents is much, much more different than what you've got with a significant other. Yeah, they might not be happy with you moving away, especially if you're the first one in the family to go to college or move away from home, but the thing is, they love you no matter how much crap they flick your way as you start a new life. I guarantee (because I come from a very similar background as you), once you realize your dream and get firmly settled into your life, it will be as if this is what they wanted from you all along, instead of trying to marry you off the minute after graduation and/or keep you wrapped in cotton all your life!

 

A significant other/lover/spouse often doesn't have the kind of vested relationship your family does, and while (s)he may be supportive of the things you want, (s)he will feel threatened if you don't advance the same as him/her, or when you reach out to grab your goal, (s)he feels left behind. Because (s)he doesn't have the solid, familial relationship that your parents/siblings have with you. Simply put: your mom and dad go into parenthood knowing that someday you're going to leave home. An SO/lover/spouse expects you to grow with him/her and react much differently because of that.

 

Take a chance on him, but don't expect his "understanding" ways to last very long, because as reality sets in, it's going to go back to the same old hurt feelings because you "abandoned" him to pursue a life of your own.