Kamille Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 can you give me an example of how I could go about this situation without doing whatever it is I am doing wrong? Did you do anything wrong?
TheFinalWord Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 Yeah. We waited about 2 months since we first started dating/talking to have sex (and we were official and exclusive when it happened) but I think maybe we rushed. Maybe we rushed because we had sex when we were feeling all the butterflies and the excitement of the beginning of the relationship so maybe we should have waited until that died down. I used to believe when I was younger that sex should be saved for marriage. I wonder if there would be anyway to go back to that 3 sexual partners later. I do want a fresh start and I do have baggage but I thought that I could deal with it. Like I know my baggage is NOT going to go away. Ever. I decided that I needed to be able to look at it and say "yes, this happened, I made bad choices, but, I am not letting that define me anymore". The whole fight was about something pretty stupid that escalated. Fred is kind of a loner. This is his second relationship. I think he just does not know how to say things sometimes without coming off as a total douche. Sooo this past weekend I stayed at his apartment studying the whole weekend for a test I had yesterday (I got an 88 yay). I had so much fun. He was on vacation and he stayed that extra weekend instead of going home to chill with me. So i screwed up and stayed at his apartment the whole weekend. I thought we were such a great team. We would cook, he did my laundry, he encouraged me to study while he watched tv. It was great. But then, on sunday, he told me "You know what? I'm going to say something but I dont think you are going to like it" me: "well... say it anyway if you feel you should" (stupid me) him: "This weekend made me realize how much I really enjoy living by myself". me: "Ok. well, for me it was the opposite. This weekend made me realize how much fun I am having with you and I think we make a great team". And I was pretty hurt so I just left. He said he was sorry a million times and even went to have dinner with my family who came to visit me even though I was upset. It just hurt me so much that someone would say that. LIke i have lived with people before who were my friends and they got on my nerves but I still would not say that to them. And they are my friends, not my boyfriend. He later said he didn't like that I soak my towels too much, leave the lights on, dont dry his dishes the way he likes them even though he has explained it a ton of times (and here is me thinking it was cute that he didnt want me to do the dishes!). He also said he freaked out because he got accepted to do an internship next year in Texas and since I hae not gotten an answer from any of the places I applied to I said "well, maybe I should apply to texas too!". He said the thought of me applying somewhere that he was going freaked him out because he thought I did it to live with him during those 2 months. And he said he was not ready for that. I don't know I think i got more offended than I should have but he handled it so poorly ... and I dont know where he got the idea that I was applying to the texas thing to live with him! Sounds to me like it is all moving too fast for him... He is thinking..."she is practically living with me and if she goes to Texas it will be even more serious" I think it is all starting to hit him that this is a serious relationship and does he really want that. There are a lot of unknowns with the future of things with both of you...location of internship, future jobs, etc. I would back off a bit and let the chips fall where they may. Take it back a notch, if you can. These are the tests of a relationship. All relationships are easy during the initial few months of flirting, sex, getting to know each other. Then you get a bump and the real test of longevity begins. If you make it through this it will be a stronger relationship. If not, it wasn't meant to be. Overall, I say see where it goes but I still think you need a fresh start...but I hope this works out for you! I'm not trying to be negative. Yeah he cut ties with that guy, but the thing is he got gossip about you from this guy which had an influence on your relationship from the beginning. I think it would be good to start fresh where no one knows about you and you can start fresh. Just my 2 cents. One good thing is you are saying what you feel now instead of bottling it up. That is a major milestone and you should be proud. By saying what you feel you can tell if it's a good relationship earlier on instead of wasting time bottling things up until they explode. Best of luck with your studies!
Kamille Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 I should add: you need to fight this thought pattern you have, where you question yourself so easily. There is nothing wrong with you, how you feel and what you want. That's the first thing you need to believe to be able to affirm yourself. The same logic goes for him. He is who he is and feels what he feels. Telling you after a weekend spent together that he likes to live alone isn't particularly charming, I admit. But I'm an introvert who needs time alone and I think what he was trying to express is legit. He just didn't express it really well or seem to understand the consequences of the way he expressed himself. If he at any point in the weekend needed time alone, he should have asked for it. If anyone did anything "wrong" on that weekend, it was him not being able to communicate his needs. You, meanwhile, enjoyed yourself and had no way to guess he was feeling this way. So where, exactly, did you do anything wrong? Why are you trying to blame yourself for this?
Author eleanorhurting Posted June 9, 2012 Author Posted June 9, 2012 This statement is telling. When people feel this way they will often let their fear of being alone govern their decisions. When you allow fear and insecurity to influence your decisions, you don’t make sound ones. You want to make decisions with strength and self-respect. You may be "bad" at relationships because you don't actually want a relationship; you just don't want to be alone. You admitted that this guy is the first to want a committed relationship with you, which makes me think you you figured "well, why not?" Do you really want to be with this guy or do you simply not want to be alone? Do you see a future with him? I could be wrong, but it sounds like you were more upset that your BF didn’t seem interested in you rather than a true desire to be with him. You want him to want you, but what do you want? Why don’t you want to be alone? What are you afraid of discovering about yourself while on your own? This is what you need to address. In between my other relationships I actually enjoyed being single and it was hard to convince myself to get into another relationship again. I have to add, he was not the first person that wanted a relationship, he was the first person I felt attracted to/interested in who wanted a relationship. I admit I had a really hard time being single this last time I was single (since december of 2010 until March of 2012). I think the reason why I had such a hard time was because I was very bitter and sad about how I ended my relationship. I was so wounded that I wanted so badly to prove to myself that I could have a happy ending despite what I had done. And then I got involved last summer with the wrong person (it was never a formal relationship and he was the only person I actually got involved with more than a few dates). I think the reason why I was having a hard time being single was because I felt like I had some sort of curse because of what I had done. I am trying to convince myself that it will be OK if I am single again but I guess since I associate the whole experience with a lot of negative and sad feelings, it is hard to see it in a positive light (even though I have been single before and enjoyed it very much).
Author eleanorhurting Posted June 9, 2012 Author Posted June 9, 2012 Sounds to me like it is all moving too fast for him... He is thinking..."she is practically living with me and if she goes to Texas it will be even more serious" I think it is all starting to hit him that this is a serious relationship and does he really want that. There are a lot of unknowns with the future of things with both of you...location of internship, future jobs, etc. I would back off a bit and let the chips fall where they may. Take it back a notch, if you can. These are the tests of a relationship. All relationships are easy during the initial few months of flirting, sex, getting to know each other. Then you get a bump and the real test of longevity begins. If you make it through this it will be a stronger relationship. If not, it wasn't meant to be. Overall, I say see where it goes but I still think you need a fresh start...but I hope this works out for you! I'm not trying to be negative. Yeah he cut ties with that guy, but the thing is he got gossip about you from this guy which had an influence on your relationship from the beginning. I think it would be good to start fresh where no one knows about you and you can start fresh. Just my 2 cents. One good thing is you are saying what you feel now instead of bottling it up. That is a major milestone and you should be proud. By saying what you feel you can tell if it's a good relationship earlier on instead of wasting time bottling things up until they explode. Best of luck with your studies! I so desperately want to start fresh too! I am moving next year. I know I will be lonely at first but I know in the end it will be better. Hopefully LS will be there for me during the lonely times. thank you for your good wishes I wish I would meet someone like you in real life!
Author eleanorhurting Posted June 9, 2012 Author Posted June 9, 2012 I should add: you need to fight this thought pattern you have, where you question yourself so easily. There is nothing wrong with you, how you feel and what you want. That's the first thing you need to believe to be able to affirm yourself. The same logic goes for him. He is who he is and feels what he feels. Telling you after a weekend spent together that he likes to live alone isn't particularly charming, I admit. But I'm an introvert who needs time alone and I think what he was trying to express is legit. He just didn't express it really well or seem to understand the consequences of the way he expressed himself. If he at any point in the weekend needed time alone, he should have asked for it. If anyone did anything "wrong" on that weekend, it was him not being able to communicate his needs. You, meanwhile, enjoyed yourself and had no way to guess he was feeling this way. So where, exactly, did you do anything wrong? Why are you trying to blame yourself for this? well, I certainly overreacted. If I would have been secure in myself I would have been OK with what he said instead of letting it escalade into what it did.
SerCay Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 Hi eleanor, I understand what you're saying in your post completely. After having relationships which lasted 2 years each I thought the same of myself as you are doing. Are you a very sensitive person? Do you have expectations (unconsciously) when you start dating someone? I mean expectations like..how you THINK that person is, and how YOU feel the two of you have a deep deep bond with each other? And then you get upset when you find out he isn't feeling the same bond as you are?
Kamille Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 well, I certainly overreacted. If I would have been secure in myself I would have been OK with what he said instead of letting it escalade into what it did. Fair enough. He said something insensitive (the 'live alone' comment) and you feel you over-reacted (I don't think, however, that a great many people would have reacted with charm to the way he expressed himself and made his inability to ask for alone time a couple's issue. Please recognize that your reaction was based on a legitimate concern: that this points to a major difference between the two of you, perhaps an incompatibility). You can certainly take responsibility for how you reacted. Calling you a drama queen, however, is also an over-reaction on his part - did he take responsibility for 1. The first insensitive comment and 2. Calling you a drama-queen instead of taking responsibility for his insensitive comment?
snug.bunny Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 Fair enough. He said something insensitive (the 'live alone' comment) and you feel you over-reacted (I don't think, however, that a great many people would have reacted with charm to the way he expressed himself and made his inability to ask for alone time a couple's issue. Please recognize that your reaction was based on a legitimate concern: that this points to a major difference between the two of you, perhaps an incompatibility). You can certainly take responsibility for how you reacted. Calling you a drama queen, however, is also an over-reaction on his part - did he take responsibility for 1. The first insensitive comment and 2. Calling you a drama-queen instead of taking responsibility for his insensitive comment? Bingo Boingo! Your boyfriend feels pressured. I'm afraid, he needs to work on his communication. Could he have handled it better? Most definitely. "Eleanor, I was accepted to do an internship next year in Texas and when you said you should apply in Texas too, I felt a bit pressured by it". Do you think then, your reaction may have been less emotionally charged? Working on your own emotional response(s), is par for the course and you can learn how to navigate it, so that when certain insensitive comments are made towards you, it won't have such a profound effect overall. He later said he didn't like that I soak my towels too much, leave the lights on, dont dry his dishes the way he likes them even though he has explained it a ton of times (and here is me thinking it was cute that he didnt want me to do the dishes!).And you're the Drama Queen? How about, I, Eleanor's boyfriend am feeling so enormously pressured by our weekend together, and I'm wigging out. Then you can say "Okay sweetie, I understand. I don't want you to feel pressured so how about we spend some additional time doing our own thing and go from there". 1
zengirl Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 You are probably right I should not have gotten upset. Eleanor, why are you so quick to deny your own feelings? Anyone who would criticize the way you SOAK YOUR TOWELS or whatever has no room to call anyone a drama queen, as someone said above. I'm not saying a few insensitive comments make an otherwise good R untenable, however not wanting to be single is not a good place to come from or reason to base anything upon. I think you had every right to be upset, and if I was with a man who made the same comments, had detailed criticisms of me after an intimate weekend together, and didn't seem to want me to apply where he was going to be, I would have doubts, frustrations, and upset feelings too. He may have just been insensitive, sure, but your reaction still seems entirely reasonable to me. Hell, even if it wasn't, you'd still be reasonable in feeling any damn way you feel! You have every right to be upset -- plenty of people would be, and even if they wouldn't, you always have a right to your feelings. If you feel you expressed your feelings in a poor way, perhaps. I don't see any evidence that you did, as of yet, but that is something almost everyone can work on when upset --- expressing those feelings productively. However, I think the crux of your problem is still coming from low self-esteem and denying your own feelings only exacerbates that. You have a RIGHT to whatever you feel. Own it. 1
Author eleanorhurting Posted June 9, 2012 Author Posted June 9, 2012 Trust me, I expressed them poorly. I think I almost always do. I was really angry. I think at first he tried to make it better and apologize but after a while he stated fighting back because I was so angry and so hostile towards him. We definitely fought dirty So I had my first appointment with my new therapist today since the old one left. It was really good. We didn't even talk about Fred and the fight. We mostly talked about how I have unresolved issues from the past and about how I have a negative thought pattern that affects me and is probably what is driving my low self esteem and why I have such negative pessimistic thoughts about being single. Anyway she gave me some homework and I have an appointment next wee. I'm excited.
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