I am horrible at relationships

June 8, 2012

This might be a rant. so I am sorry.

I am bad at relationships. I don't know how to have one. Seriously.

I have had 3 important relationships. And then one I have now.

The 2nd and the 3rd were great. Awesome guys. I wish I could go back and slap myself for ruining that.

After #3 ended a year and a half ago because I cheated on him. I felt extreme guilt and remorse and was sad for a very long time. I started dating casually again after a few months and it was bad. I felt like everyone I met was just trying to get in my pants (they were, plus, I had very low self esteem after the cheating). I was very frustrated. And sad. And I hated dating. I just wanted to go back in time and not have screwed up my good relationships by being stupid and immature.

And now since March I have started dating someone. The first person since my breakup who I felt attracted to and who was interested in being in a relationship. And I already feel bleh about it. It was never 100% smooth, I feel like maybe we rushed into it because I was trying so hard to make sure he was committed and not trying to play me.

This weekend we had our first big fight and after it I just... dont feel the same. But at the same time I do not want to quit a relationship just because we had a huge fight in which our differences and his lack of interest in the relationship became apparent.

He says I am needy and a drama queen. Could it really be that and I just need to zip it and shut up?

I feel like its a lose-lose situation. Because once you are branded as the needy drama queen, everything you say and do will be held against you. I feel like now I have to thread lightly. I feel like I can't be myself anymore. But, I don't want to give up on this relationship because:

1- I regret giving up on my past relationships because its obvious that I have not found anything better so that was a bad choice. I seriously wish I would have tried harder to make it work.

2- after having been single for more than a year and seeing all the awesome things that the single men pool has to offer... meh. I dont want to ever be single again. That seriously sucked.

I am so confused and frustrated at my inability to be in a healthy relationship.

June 8, 2012

You know, there's one very obvious solution to the drama-queen accusation:

Own it.

My cousin is a self-admited drama queen. She's now married with children, and with a man who finds her "tantrums" charming and knows how to talk her down from the ledge. (It's truly amazing to see him do this, and proves that being honest about oneself is key.)

If someone told me I was a drama queen, I'd probably answer : "Yeah, so? It still doesn't change the fact that when you said xyz you made me feel like you didn't care about the relationship".

Because, in essence, I get the impression that what you're saying in your post is that

You think there is something wrong with you
Which suggests that you don't accept yourself as you are
Which in turn keeps you feeling insecure

Well, there's nothing wrong with you. Accept yourself as you are and trust that there is a guy out there who will gladly accept you that way as well.

June 8, 2012

You know, there's one very obvious solution to the drama-queen accusation:

Own it.

My cousin is a self-admited drama queen. She's now married with children, and with a man who finds her "tantrums" charming and knows how to talk her down from the ledge. (It's truly amazing to see him do this, and proves that being honest about oneself is key.)

If someone told me I was a drama queen, I'd probably answer : "Yeah, so? It still doesn't change the fact that when you said xyz you made me feel like you didn't care about the relationship".

Because, in essence, I get the impression that what you're saying in your post is that

You think there is something wrong with you
Which suggests that you don't accept yourself as you are
Which in turn keeps you feeling insecure

Well, there's nothing wrong with you. Accept yourself as you are and trust that there is a guy out there who will gladly accept you that way as well.

is that the cousin who looks like me??? That would be so funny.

You know this whole situation made me get in touch with 2 of my exes, (the good ones) which is something I usually avoid (i dont believe in keeping in touch with exes) and I asked them if they remember me being needy or dramatic. One of them ignored me (he hates my guts, dont blame him). The other one answered and said sometimes but not really.

mmm I wonder if I have grown more dramatic through the years.

June 8, 2012

This might be a rant. so I am sorry.

I am bad at relationships. I don't know how to have one. Seriously.

I have had 3 important relationships. And then one I have now.

The 2nd and the 3rd were great. Awesome guys. I wish I could go back and slap myself for ruining that.

After #3 ended a year and a half ago because I cheated on him. I felt extreme guilt and remorse and was sad for a very long time. I started dating casually again after a few months and it was bad. I felt like everyone I met was just trying to get in my pants (they were, plus, I had very low self esteem after the cheating). I was very frustrated. And sad. And I hated dating. I just wanted to go back in time and not have screwed up my good relationships by being stupid and immature.

And now since March I have started dating someone. The first person since my breakup who I felt attracted to and who was interested in being in a relationship. And I already feel bleh about it. It was never 100% smooth, I feel like maybe we rushed into it because I was trying so hard to make sure he was committed and not trying to play me.

This weekend we had our first big fight and after it I just... dont feel the same. But at the same time I do not want to quit a relationship just because we had a huge fight in which our differences and his lack of interest in the relationship became apparent.

He says I am needy and a drama queen. Could it really be that and I just need to zip it and shut up?

I feel like its a lose-lose situation. Because once you are branded as the needy drama queen, everything you say and do will be held against you. I feel like now I have to thread lightly. I feel like I can't be myself anymore. But, I don't want to give up on this relationship because:

1- I regret giving up on my past relationships because its obvious that I have not found anything better so that was a bad choice. I seriously wish I would have tried harder to make it work.

2- after having been single for more than a year and seeing all the awesome things that the single men pool has to offer... meh. I dont want to ever be single again. That seriously sucked.

I am so confused and frustrated at my inability to be in a healthy relationship.

Here's my take. I have kind of followed your relationship stories on here. Hope it helps.

1) I think you are a good woman. You have gone through some BS, made some mistakes, but I see a lot of growth.

2) I think that whole ring of people you date and hang out with has too much baggage associated with it to give you a good perspective.

3) You should be true to your Christian principles. I think you said you had strong faith? Correct me if I'm wrong. It's been a while since I've seen you post. I think you said you were already sleeping with this guy? I'm not trying to judge, but you've only been dating a few months and you questioned the whole relationship from the get-go. I'll probably get blasted on here for this, but I think that is too soon. Especially for you b/c that is going to make everything much more complex and you may drag this current relationship on way past its time b/c you feel more connected to him.

I think I said this at the beginning of your current relationship...but I really think you should not get in a relationship right now; definitely not anyone associated with that ring of people you hang out with. Just date for fun but don't get serious with anyone for now.

Just focus on school, getting a job, and then start somewhere fresh.

For the record, I'm doing the same thing! I can't tell you how much better I feel. I feel like I am ready to start fresh with someone and I will have myself in order. If you feel there are personality flaws, you can also spend this time to deal with those.

But overall I don't think you can get a good perspective because that relationship had baggage before it even began. You need a fresh start Eleanor

June 8, 2012

is that the cousin who looks like me??? That would be so funny.

You know this whole situation made me get in touch with 2 of my exes, (the good ones) which is something I usually avoid (i dont believe in keeping in touch with exes) and I asked them if they remember me being needy or dramatic. One of them ignored me (he hates my guts, dont blame him). The other one answered and said sometimes but not really.

mmm I wonder if I have grown more dramatic through the years.

People throw the "you are so this" card when they don't want to deal with an issue. The bottom line is this: the best way to get the argument refocused on what you want to discuss is to not let attempts at diversion divert the discussion. If it is the "drama queen" card that is being used, the only way you can deal with it without causing more drama is to say being cast as a drama queen is the least of your worries.

It actually doesn't matter whether or not you're more dramatic now than you were then. For whatever reason, you guys were struggling with an issue and it devolved into a futile assessment of your personality. Your character is not up for discussion - and neither is his. Either your personalities match, or they don't. It's simple really.

The jist of my previous post was this:

You're letting this drama queen accusation take up way more room than it deserves. There is nothing wrong with being a drama queen, not always expressing yourself in the best of ways, having emotional moments. You're allowed every single one of those flaws. Right now, by focusing on this, you're only reinforcing some belief that you're not cut out for relationships and that you're the one who needs to change. No. Get back to the initial issue, the one you were both trying to resolve before it devolved into futile personality analysis.

Edited June 8, 2012 by Kamille

June 8, 2012

He says I am needy and a drama queen. Could it really be that and I just need to zip it and shut up?

Um, from a guys perspective, all women are needy and drama queens! LOL

Speaking of drama, isn't this the guy that hung out with your ex or a friend o of your ex (can't remember now) and reported back to you all the nasty things he had to say about you?

I don't know why you ever tolerated that, but I think you comprised there. Big red flag IMHO. But if anything this guy is a drama queen for going along with that BS from the get go.

June 8, 2012

just be you, as soon as you start to change for people they think they own you.

You also sound insecure about being single, maybe you should take time to be single and find out who you are again and what youre looking for in life, if you cant love yourself you cant love anyone else.

just play things cool and see what happens. be happy being single and confident in yourself before you start throwing yourself into relationships

June 8, 2012

Here's my take. I have kind of followed your relationship stories on here. Hope it helps.

1) I think you are a good woman. You have gone through some BS, made some mistakes, but I see a lot of growth.

2) I think that whole ring of people you date and hang out with has too much baggage associated with it to give you a good perspective.

3) You should be true to your Christian principles. I think you said you had strong faith? Correct me if I'm wrong. It's been a while since I've seen you post. I think you said you were already sleeping with this guy? I'm not trying to judge, but you've only been dating a few months and you questioned the whole relationship from the get-go. I'll probably get blasted on here for this, but I think that is too soon. Especially for you b/c that is going to make everything much more complex and you may drag this current relationship on way past its time b/c you feel more connected to him.

I think I said this at the beginning of your current relationship...but I really think you should not get in a relationship right now; definitely not anyone associated with that ring of people you hang out with. Just date for fun but don't get serious with anyone for now.

Just focus on school, getting a job, and then start somewhere fresh.

For the record, I'm doing the same thing! I can't tell you how much better I feel. I feel like I am ready to start fresh with someone and I will have myself in order. If you feel there are personality flaws, you can also spend this time to deal with those.

But overall I don't think you can get a good perspective because that relationship had baggage before it even began. You need a fresh start Eleanor

Yeah. We waited about 2 months since we first started dating/talking to have sex (and we were official and exclusive when it happened) but I think maybe we rushed. Maybe we rushed because we had sex when we were feeling all the butterflies and the excitement of the beginning of the relationship so maybe we should have waited until that died down. I used to believe when I was younger that sex should be saved for marriage. I wonder if there would be anyway to go back to that 3 sexual partners later.

I do want a fresh start and I do have baggage but I thought that I could deal with it. Like I know my baggage is NOT going to go away. Ever. I decided that I needed to be able to look at it and say "yes, this happened, I made bad choices, but, I am not letting that define me anymore".

The whole fight was about something pretty stupid that escalated. Fred is kind of a loner. This is his second relationship. I think he just does not know how to say things sometimes without coming off as a total douche.

Sooo this past weekend I stayed at his apartment studying the whole weekend for a test I had yesterday (I got an 88 yay). I had so much fun. He was on vacation and he stayed that extra weekend instead of going home to chill with me. So i screwed up and stayed at his apartment the whole weekend. I thought we were such a great team. We would cook, he did my laundry, he encouraged me to study while he watched tv. It was great.

But then, on sunday, he told me "You know what? I'm going to say something but I dont think you are going to like it"

me: "well... say it anyway if you feel you should" (stupid me)

him: "This weekend made me realize how much I really enjoy living by myself".

me: "Ok. well, for me it was the opposite. This weekend made me realize how much fun I am having with you and I think we make a great team".

And I was pretty hurt so I just left. He said he was sorry a million times and even went to have dinner with my family who came to visit me even though I was upset.

It just hurt me so much that someone would say that. LIke i have lived with people before who were my friends and they got on my nerves but I still would not say that to them. And they are my friends, not my boyfriend.

He later said he didn't like that I soak my towels too much, leave the lights on, dont dry his dishes the way he likes them even though he has explained it a ton of times (and here is me thinking it was cute that he didnt want me to do the dishes!). He also said he freaked out because he got accepted to do an internship next year in Texas and since I hae not gotten an answer from any of the places I applied to I said "well, maybe I should apply to texas too!".

He said the thought of me applying somewhere that he was going freaked him out because he thought I did it to live with him during those 2 months. And he said he was not ready for that.

I don't know I think i got more offended than I should have but he handled it so poorly ... and I dont know where he got the idea that I was applying to the texas thing to live with him!

June 8, 2012

Um, from a guys perspective, all women are needy and drama queens! LOL

Speaking of drama, isn't this the guy that hung out with your ex or a friend o of your ex (can't remember now) and reported back to you all the nasty things he had to say about you?

I don't know why you ever tolerated that, but I think you comprised there. Big red flag IMHO. But if anything this guy is a drama queen for going along with that BS from the get go.

he hung out with a FRIEND of the ex, not the ex. And he pretty much cut contact with him after that.

June 8, 2012

just be you, as soon as you start to change for people they think they own you.

You also sound insecure about being single, maybe you should take time to be single and find out who you are again and what youre looking for in life, if you cant love yourself you cant love anyone else.

just play things cool and see what happens. be happy being single and confident in yourself before you start throwing yourself into relationships

I was single for more than a year. I was just very frustrated with the way people "date" now a days. I hated it. But that is a valid recommendation.

June 8, 2012

2- after having been single for more than a year and seeing all the awesome things that the single men pool has to offer... meh. I dont want to ever be single again. That seriously sucked.

How about being single and not dating for a while? Focus on your studies and personal fulfillment, develop yourself as a young, confident woman, and then give dating a shot.

June 8, 2012

So is this the main issue:

After his comment, you wonder if you two have a future together?

And, I have to wonder if you aren't trying to twist yourself into a pretzel to please him. Ok, so he preemptively worries that you might have applied for in internship in Texas and preemptively worries that you would want to live together. BUT: so what if you had decided to apply to Texas in part to be close to him and thought it would have been cool to live together? There is nothing wrong with those expectations.

I'm just getting the impression that you struggle to affirm what you want. This might lead you to either 1. stay too long with the wrong guy or 2. be less interesting for the guys you are with (because you always kowtow to what they say instead of letting them impress you, if that makes sense).

June 8, 2012

You know, there's one very obvious solution to the drama-queen accusation:

Own it.

My cousin is a self-admited drama queen. She's now married with children, and with a man who finds her "tantrums" charming and knows how to talk her down from the ledge. (It's truly amazing to see him do this, and proves that being honest about oneself is key.)

IMO, that sounds pretty horrible.

I would certainly not want to be in a relationship with a woman who has tantrums.

Sooo this past weekend I stayed at his apartment studying the whole weekend for a test I had yesterday (I got an 88 yay). I had so much fun. He was on vacation and he stayed that extra weekend instead of going home to chill with me. So i screwed up and stayed at his apartment the whole weekend. I thought we were such a great team. We would cook, he did my laundry, he encouraged me to study while he watched tv. It was great.

I'm confused.

You stayed over his place for the weekend and he was away on vacation?

What did he mean by saying that he enjoys living by himself? Do you two live together or something?

June 8, 2012

So is this the main issue:

After his comment, you wonder if you two have a future together?

And, I have to wonder if you aren't trying to twist yourself into a pretzel to please him. Ok, so he preemptively worries that you might have applied for in internship in Texas and preemptively worries that you would want to live together. BUT: so what if you had decided to apply to Texas in part to be close to him and thought it would have been cool to live together? There is nothing wrong with those expectations.

I'm just getting the impression that you struggle to affirm what you want. This might lead you to either 1. stay too long with the wrong guy or 2. be less interesting for the guys you are with (because you always kowtow to what they say instead of letting them impress you, if that makes sense).

It would have been fun I didn't expect him to react that way. And I also question if he really likes me that much. I just would have never ever said what he said after I stayed a whole weekend with him but maybe that is just me.

I think I am just confused. Because it is way too soon to talk about the future but at the same time when he reacts that way about the future it makes me think like he's some sort of commitment-phobe? But then other times he says things about "us" as if he thinks we are going to be together for a long time.

I do not get it.

You are right maybe I do struggle with affirming what I want.

can you give me an example of how I could go about this situation without doing whatever it is I am doing wrong?

June 8, 2012

IMO, that sounds pretty horrible.

I would certainly not want to be in a relationship with a woman who has tantrums.

I'm confused.

You stayed over his place for the weekend and he was away on vacation?

What did he mean by saying that he enjoys living by himself? Do you two live together or something?

he was on vacation= he did not have to stay there. he could have gone home with his family.

yes, we stayed together at his apartment from friday night to sunday afternoon. We went out for dinner friday night and Saturday night. He told me he had been hinting at me that he wanted me to leave so he could have some alone time to do whatever it is he does when hes alone but i didnt get his hints.

We do not live together.

What he meant (or how I interpreted it) was that it was overwhelming to have me stay there the whole weekend. (while I thought it was the most fun ever)

June 8, 2012

I took me till the age of 35 to figure out that that saying about loving yourself before you can really love someone else and let them love you is true.

All my life, I dated men who had one fairly serious impediment or another because I thought it was the best I could do - because I had weak self-esteem due to emotional and verbal abuse from my dad. Because of his own poor self-esteem, he taught me and all my siblings that we weren't good enough as we were. So I assumed I wasn't good enough to get a good guy without any major problems, and gave "fixer-uppers" a chance. And of course, I was a fixer-upper myself. But no one can fix you... except you.

I feel like I'm finally getting rid of that burden and standing strong on my own. I've been working on this my whole life. It hasn't been easy, but I've been pretty committed.

And it's only now that I'm meeting men who are on the same plane.

The energy that you put out there is what you attract. When you are negative and not valuing yourself, you attract men who are negative and don't value themselves or you, either. When you are confident and accept and love yourself, flaws and all, you meet men on that same plane.

You need to work on your core issues. The stronger and healthier you are as your own person, the better men and people you will attract.

June 8, 2012

This might be a rant. so I am sorry.

I am bad at relationships. I don't know how to have one. Seriously.

I have had 3 important relationships. And then one I have now.

The 2nd and the 3rd were great. Awesome guys. I wish I could go back and slap myself for ruining that.

After #3 ended a year and a half ago because I cheated on him. I felt extreme guilt and remorse and was sad for a very long time. I started dating casually again after a few months and it was bad. I felt like everyone I met was just trying to get in my pants (they were, plus, I had very low self esteem after the cheating). I was very frustrated. And sad. And I hated dating. I just wanted to go back in time and not have screwed up my good relationships by being stupid and immature.

And now since March I have started dating someone. The first person since my breakup who I felt attracted to and who was interested in being in a relationship. And I already feel bleh about it. It was never 100% smooth, I feel like maybe we rushed into it because I was trying so hard to make sure he was committed and not trying to play me.

This weekend we had our first big fight and after it I just... dont feel the same. But at the same time I do not want to quit a relationship just because we had a huge fight in which our differences and his lack of interest in the relationship became apparent.

He says I am needy and a drama queen. Could it really be that and I just need to zip it and shut up?

I feel like its a lose-lose situation. Because once you are branded as the needy drama queen, everything you say and do will be held against you. I feel like now I have to thread lightly. I feel like I can't be myself anymore. But, I don't want to give up on this relationship because:

1- I regret giving up on my past relationships because its obvious that I have not found anything better so that was a bad choice. I seriously wish I would have tried harder to make it work.

2- after having been single for more than a year and seeing all the awesome things that the single men pool has to offer... meh. I dont want to ever be single again. That seriously sucked.

I am so confused and frustrated at my inability to be in a healthy relationship.

I have learned that relationships don't have to be hard work. Fights are NOT a natural part of relationships. They don't have to be at least. If there is drama in a relationship, it is because one of you is creating it.

June 8, 2012

he was on vacation= he did not have to stay there. he could have gone home with his family.

yes, we stayed together at his apartment from friday night to sunday afternoon. We went out for dinner friday night and Saturday night. He told me he had been hinting at me that he wanted me to leave so he could have some alone time to do whatever it is he does when hes alone but i didnt get his hints.

We do not live together.

What he meant (or how I interpreted it) was that it was overwhelming to have me stay there the whole weekend. (while I thought it was the most fun ever)

Now I get it.

Spending the entire weekend with you at his place, made him realize how much he enjoys living alone, meaning, not having anybody stay with him.

I wouldn't jump to any conclusions about that just yet. He's probably just used to having his space. It may take time to get used to being with somebody so much.

June 8, 2012

Now I get it.

Spending the entire weekend with you at his place, made him realize how much he enjoys living alone, meaning, not having anybody stay with him.

I wouldn't jump to any conclusions about that just yet. He's probably just used to having his space. It may take time to get used to being with somebody so much.

I know. But isn't that a given? I mean it is always hard butI felt like he could have been nicer about it when he said it. And the way he totally flipped out about the texas thing was kinda mean too. He doesn't know anyone in texas. Was it that horrible the idea of your girlfriend being there too (and I never, ever mentioned living together.)

You are probably right I should not have gotten upset.

June 8, 2012

I know. But isn't that a given? I mean it is always hard butI felt like he could have been nicer about it when he said it. And the way he totally flipped out about the texas thing was kinda mean too. He doesn't know anyone in texas. Was it that horrible the idea of your girlfriend being there too (and I never, ever mentioned living together.)

You are probably right I should not have gotten upset.

Of course his comment was not something he should have said to you. It's almost like saying, "I'm glad that you are leaving." It's just rude. A couple of times I've had my mom stay with me for the weekend and while I did enjoy her company, I start to get tired and I'm glad to see her go. Of course I would never say that to her.

The Texas thing may be a bad sign. I can't see why he would not want you to be with him unless he is considering ending the relationship. That basically tells me he doesn't see your relationship as something in the long term.

June 8, 2012

Regretting past mistakes isn't a very good reason for staying with someone. You need to judge you potential to be with this guy on its own merits. You can't atone for your failure to keep good relationships going by forcing a not-so-great relationship to last.

Maybe you think you can't see a good relationship while you're in it. As if this one should be everything you should want, but you still don't feel satisfied. I think that's a key ingredient though. You should feel satisfied and optimistic. Automatically. Maybe this guy isn't enough of a challenge.

June 8, 2012

He said:

him: "This weekend made me realize how much I really enjoy living by myself".

Does not equal = you're horrible at relationships.

It was an insensitive comment towards you, following an intimate weekend together.

What a dumb thing to say to someone at the wrong time.

June 9, 2012

2- after having been single for more than a year and seeing all the awesome things that the single men pool has to offer... meh. I dont want to ever be single again. That seriously sucked.

I am so confused and frustrated at my inability to be in a healthy relationship.

This statement is telling. When people feel this way they will often let their fear of being alone govern their decisions. When you allow fear and insecurity to influence your decisions, you don’t make sound ones. You want to make decisions with strength and self-respect. You may be "bad" at relationships because you don't actually want a relationship; you just don't want to be alone.

You admitted that this guy is the first to want a committed relationship with you, which makes me think you you figured "well, why not?" Do you really want to be with this guy or do you simply not want to be alone? Do you see a future with him? I could be wrong, but it sounds like you were more upset that your BF didn’t seem interested in you rather than a true desire to be with him. You want him to want you, but what do you want?

Why don’t you want to be alone? What are you afraid of discovering about yourself while on your own? This is what you need to address.

June 9, 2012

This statement is telling. When people feel this way they will often let their fear of being alone govern their decisions. When you allow fear and insecurity to influence your decisions, you don’t make sound ones. You want to make decisions with strength and self-respect. You may be "bad" at relationships because you don't actually want a relationship; you just don't want to be alone.

You admitted that this guy is the first to want a committed relationship with you, which makes me think you you figured "well, why not?" Do you really want to be with this guy or do you simply not want to be alone? Do you see a future with him? I could be wrong, but it sounds like you were more upset that your BF didn’t seem interested in you rather than a true desire to be with him. You want him to want you, but what do you want?

Why don’t you want to be alone? What are you afraid of discovering about yourself while on your own? This is what you need to address.

which explains her past as well, she was only concerned with having a boyfriend, and cheated on them when a better opportunity came passing by.

June 9, 2012

which explains her past as well, she was only concerned with having a boyfriend, and cheated on them when a better opportunity came passing by.

cheated on him, not them. one relationship. big mistake. and i didnt go with the person i cheated with. i choose to be alone after it happened.

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