Update of 3 months ago…old thread link inside! (feelings for a friend)

June 29, 2004

I was digging around and came across my thread, I thought I’d update everyone of the situation lol.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t34769/

Well, So much has happened over the past few months. Some changes came about in the volunteering we were doing together. In fact, these changes meant her going off into another career direction. It is within the same industry (working with kids), just a different location and environment. We were spending a lot of time together (as many as 6 days a week up to that point). We also became great friends! Before she dropped the bomb to anyone about leaving (including to me), we made arrangements to work on another thing together at her place that would mean we’d be together at her place, working on it for one day each week. (At least until the summer camp she runs with these kids starts)

During all this confusion, she had split up with the boyfriend for a period of time (it had been a few weeks at that point). No nothing sexual happened between us!!! lol. I did however ask her out…only to be rejected lol We then talked about it for close to an hour. She had known for quite a while that I was interested in her. This day confirmed it lol. She said “she’d never cheat on her boyfriend”. I told her, “I’d loose all respect if she did”. It seemed she wasn’t ready for such a change… Anyway, some time went on and I asked her out a second time, that time caused some uneasiness and I was quickly put into my place. But I had to know for sure. This did lead to yet another discussion lol. We agreed after that to be good friends. She did say that they’d been having problems for the last two years.

A month and a bit has pasted since I asked her out (and a few months since my original post) and this is pretty much where things are at. Were now pretty good friends that can talk about a lot. She has since gotten back with her boyfriend again lol. I’ve gotten to know her folks too as she and I work on things together once or twice a week now at the parents place.. They seem pretty cool. They seem very warm and open to me. Summer camp is coming up and she again asked if I’d help. I naturally said yes. I look at it this way. I’d do it even if it wasn’t her running it. Problem is, I find her even more attractive now than before. I did see the boyfriend for the first time in quite a while this past weekend. We exchanged some small talk. He got under her skin about some other things while I was there even. Lol

I don’t know, I still wonder if this is a bad situation to be in? I don’t want to be a home wrecker either lol. Even though were friends, I do think about her nearly all day. She has been very respectful to me avoiding certain situations… knowing they’d be difficult for me. I know she thinks about me during the week too, because she does thoughtful things for me, looking up information relating to things I do/like etc. But damn, we just get along so well

I guess, I should just see what happens…who knows.

Any suggestions or opinions?

June 29, 2004

I did see the boyfriend for the first time in quite a while this past weekend. We exchanged some small talk. He got under her skin about some other things while I was there even. Lol

Yeah, He and i do get along (meaning we've only talked a handful of times). Like I said we have small talk about his weekends away with his friends and things like that when we see each other. Just surface stuff. I'm not sure if she's shared with him what we've discussed.

He did be a bit of a dick to her the other day when a bunch of us were around (a few others were there too, not just the three of us) He got under her skin at her expense in front of everryone by pressing her buttons, I think because he had an audience or something.

She definently wasn't happy with his behavior.

June 30, 2004

Here's the deal, man. This is a classic case of LJBF (let's just be friends), which means she sees you as a friend but not much else at this point. I don't think there's anything wrong with going out with each other a couple of times at first and getting to know each other as friends would, but there comes a point (usually after a few casual encounters) where you've got to decide what you want from that person, and then go for it.

Did she ever give you any signs that she was interested in a romantic relationship?

June 30, 2004

Here's what I figured a few months ago. We didn't really know each other all too well having only met 3 months prior. There was a great connection though. She did express on a number of occasions things were troubling her too. She later confided in me that it was BF troubles. I didn't expect her to just end a 5 year relationship for someone she didn't know (me). My thinking at the time was to get to know her better. After all we were spending large amount of time together anyways...

Later on I decided it was time to ask her out...I didn't find this to be difficult as we could talk about a bunch of things even though I had the balls to ask regardless. Well, at that point she was a little caught off guard and said she wouldn't go out on a date with me because she wouldn't cheat on her boyfriend. She said...If she was single things might be different. So I thought it was just poor timming on my part. <--I probably painted myself into a corner by suggesting that we just be friends for know and keep things professional. Knowing what I know now...I probably shouldn't have suggested it in that mannor, I suppose I thought it might put her at ease since I cought her so off guard at that moment. We did talk about it for quite a while that evening after though and we both felt pretty good at the end of the day.

I then got wondering if she just needed to think about it a bit, So...

About a week later I asked her again. This time she got a lttile defensive...but the environment was such that someone else was there to hear my asking. This other person knew the boyfriend lol (another poor choice in my timming I guess lol)

more time pasted...

So despite all this, she's asked me to work on some things with her (she could have picked others...but asked me, and common, anybody can do this type of work, so it's not a special skill or anything) We still do some other work together that she easily could have ceased, but hasn't. There are moments where we stare into each others eyes and time stands still. We usually snap out of it with a smile(both knowing what had just happened). I've caught myself stroking the hair bangs out of her eyes and nothing was said to discourage this activity. We'll joke around a lot too leading to a tickle or poke etc.

After doing some reading here though...I thinking that her window of opportunity with me is shrinking rather quicky now. If she can't muster up some guts here.....then I'm cutting back the time wee do share and she'll have to earn it despit her not ever suggesting a friends only type situation. I thought she was perhaps confused...

June 30, 2004

I'm going to be candid with you, but don't take it personally. I just call it like I see it.

Your bottom line is that, from what I can tell, she's probably not interested in you as a romantic partner. I may be wrong, the facts point to one simple reality: she's with her boyfriend, not with you.

Here's what I figured a few months ago. We didn't really know each other all too well having only met 3 months prior. There was a great connection though. She did express on a number of occasions things were troubling her too. She later confided in me that it was BF troubles. I didn't expect her to just end a 5 year relationship for someone she didn't know (me). My thinking at the time was to get to know her better. After all we were spending large amount of time together anyways...

If someone came along who really interested her, she would probably dump her boyfriend of five years in a heartbeat. She probably sees you as a dear friend and for that reason she doesn't want to run you off. My guess is thatshe's hoping you'll take the hint and just drop it.

Well, at that point she was a little caught off guard and said she wouldn't go out on a date with me because she wouldn't cheat on her boyfriend.

Earlier you said that you wouldn't have respected her if she had agreed to cheat on her boyfriend. Honestly, I doubt that's the case. I think you'd be flattered that she left her boyfriend for you -- it's something probably most of us have wished about someone we've come to like at some point. I'm not attacking you, just setting the record straight. It's important to have a clear head about your attraction to someone, and to be honest with yourself.

She said...If she was single things might be different. So I thought it was just poor timming on my part. <--I probably painted myself into a corner by suggesting that we just be friends for know and keep things professional. Knowing what I know now...I probably shouldn't have suggested it in that mannor, I suppose I thought it might put her at ease since I cought her so off guard at that moment. We did talk about it for quite a while that evening after though and we both felt pretty good at the end of the day.

Well, you should always be clear about what you want from someone. But it doesn't matter what you say now, because you're not fooling her: she knows you like her. It's strictly a matter of your ability to accept her under the current circumstances. Right now, you're friends with her and nothing else.

I then got wondering if she just needed to think about it a bit, So...

About a week later I asked her again. This time she got a lttile defensive...but the environment was such that someone else was there to hear my asking. This other person knew the boyfriend lol (another poor choice in my timming I guess lol)

Basically, she was trying to send you a stronger hint: she ain't interested. Not in that way. Sorry.

So despite all this, she's asked me to work on some things with her (she could have picked others...but asked me, and common, anybody can do this type of work, so it's not a special skill or anything) We still do some other work together that she easily could have ceased, but hasn't.

Again, she's probably just trying to be nice to you. She probably likes you as a person and feels comfortable around you as long as you understand the situation between you two. She may also think you're pretty damn good at volunteering or whatever it is you do for her. It doesn't mean she's attracted to you. There's a big difference.

There are moments where we stare into each others eyes and time stands still. We usually snap out of it with a smile(both knowing what had just happened). I've caught myself stroking the hair bangs out of her eyes and nothing was said to discourage this activity. We'll joke around a lot too leading to a tickle or poke etc.

Time stands still...for you. But the fact remains, she's not with you. Look at the facts, bud.

After doing some reading here though...I thinking that her window of opportunity with me is shrinking rather quicky now. If she can't muster up some guts here.....then I'm cutting back the time wee do share and she'll have to earn it despit her not ever suggesting a friends only type situation. I thought she was perhaps confused...

She's not confused; you are. You should move on to someone more available.

June 30, 2004

Originally posted by amerikajin

Earlier you said that you wouldn't have respected her if she had agreed to cheat on her boyfriend. Honestly, I doubt that's the case. I think you'd be flattered that she left her boyfriend for you -- it's something probably most of us have wished about someone we've come to like at some point.

two differrent things...I'll clearify in a few seconds...but first:

What most people probably don't get here on this board it appears (I tend to see it proven over and over again here) is that golden rule...

If she'll cheat on her man (husband or boyfriend) to be with you....what makes you think she wont do that to you?

I've been around the block a few times lol. If we went to bed right there (for a long term candidate...she's written off my books), yeah I probably wouldn't turn down that night (common i'm being honest)....but that would be the end of her in my book for sure!

Gloden rule number 2...

Things "tend" to fall apart as fast as they went together, not necessarily the other way around Meaning in most cases, a hot firery flash in the pan is just that...a flash in the pan. "tend" is in there because I've only seen one stick so far in my liftime. There's always accetpions to every rule.

Careful...with what you said above ^...Clearly two different things! Cheating on her boyfriend and choosing me are different. If she broke off with buddy, now thats something entirely different, and I'd still in that case take it show. She would have to be finished with him...period! I'm not getting caught in a rebound situation either lol where she'll naturally on occasion have a doubt or two about buddy. She's going to have mixed feelings at times. 5 years with her first is a long time at her age.

I do however agree with what your saying here! There will always be an eliment of not knowing what the outcome will be. Odds appear to me that her lacking needs are being fullfilled by my beeing around her so much. So I will withdrawl them and just "know her" for a while and see what the outcome is. This seems to be the best plan for now, I'm not too worried about loosing that attraction by not being around her as much, There are things about her that I will always find attractive (and she knows where I stand...no confusion there lol). So some distance here appears to be a good thing!

Thanks for your time and insight! I truly appreciate it!

One last thing lol...I wasn't looking for a quick bang, I can get that anytime for free anywhere lol

Thank you!!!!

June 30, 2004

Originally posted by amerikajin

If someone came along who really interested her, she would probably dump her boyfriend of five years in a heartbeat. She probably sees you as a dear friend and for that reason she doesn't want to run you off. My guess is thatshe's hoping you'll take the hint and just drop it.

Blow away all the smoke and mirrors and this truly is the bottom line...your right!

IF she wanted to be with me, she'd be with me, thats pretty much it

thanks again !

July 1, 2004

Hey, I wasn't trying to tear you down or anything. I've been there myself, so I'm only giving you insight through personal experience.

I think once you move on, you'll find someone more available and you'll be happier than you could be under the present circumstances.

Good luck.

July 1, 2004

I agree with you totally. Just had to do some reading on here to clear my thinking. Nothing was taken the wrong way at all. I'd prefer things straight up anyway. Why fool oneself lol.

I gave her a shot...she didn't take it...her loss lol

Appreciate your time/input bud

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