grkBoy Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 A rather beautiful female friend of mine just broke up with her boyfriend today. Apparently, he's carrying a torch for his ex, a woman who made his life a drama-filled misery. We've seen both men and women do this...and I'll never understand why people seemingly can't or won't let go of terrible exes when better options are presented to them. Have any of you ever done this? What made you cling to the past even though your mind and perhaps others have told you to move on?
Quiet Storm Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 Many times people like this come from chaotic or unstable childhoods. They may have mommy or daddy issues. Bascially, humans are attracted to what they are comfortable with. It sounds crazy, but growing up in a drama filled household makes the person feel as if drama is normal. It is what they know. They never had a model for a normal, healthy relationship. A relationship without drama can feel boring or uncomfortable. In addition, if a woman feels abandoned or unloved by her father, she will often seek out unavailable men to relive those unresolved issues. This often happens with men who have very domineering or unstable mothers. They will seek out women with similar personalities and relive the drama, seeking the love they crave. These people often logically realize that these people are bad for them, but the draw is too powerful for them to stay away. There is much truth to the saying "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree". Many people recreate the dysfunction of their original families, seeking dysfunctional partners, raising dysfunctional children... and the cycle continues. 2
verhrzn Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 Perhaps because people love the drama. It makes them feel alive. It gives them some feeling of passion, excitement... if they have the drama, they never actually have to sit down and deal with real intimacy. There's always something in the way, something to blame outside of themselves. The thing is, good, solid relationships are "boring." Boring in the sense that you lose that adrenaline rush, that drug-feeling of love. Good relationships are built on a deeper sense of excitement, but they don't give you the same high as lust/new love does. Some people are addicted to that high; it's what they associate with "real" love. Some people never face themselves in the mirror, and really deal with what's there. I'll use myself as an example of that. I had a very hard time getting over one of my exes. We got on like a house on fire, in every sense of the term. Whenever I find myself missing the relationship (as opposed to him as a person), I remind myself that what I'm really afraid of is the idea that I will never find someone that I felt as passionately about. Or that I'll never find someone who "put up" with my stuff like he did. But that's really just my insecurity talking. In the clear daylight of Self Esteem Town, I remember that as great as the relationship was, several big things would have to change in order for it to function in a healthy way... and one of those things was the feeling that he "put up" with me. Long story short, some people mistake passion for love. Some people never grow up. Some people never face the reality of why they still want that ex. BUT, I would also caution against jumping to the conclusion that this guy was addicted to a terrible ex. For one, we don't know the whole story.... My ex-friend told his gf that I'd cheated on him, lead him on, etc., none of which was true. (There were lots of misunderstandings.) He could possibly be ramping up just bad his ex was, when he knows the reality that she was no more flawed than anyone else. Also, I am becoming a believer in the idea that things happen in our lives for a reason, and we are in relationships to acquire some need. Yes, it is sad your awesome, beautiful friend got dumped, because the ex fulfilled some need she couldn't. But the guy isn't wrong for having needs, and your friend isn't terrible for not fulfilling them. It just means it was wrong place, wrong time. Maybe he needs to go back to the ex, to appreciate what he had with your friend. Maybe he needs constant validation, and it would actually exhaust your friend to deal with that, but his ex can give it to him. On and on. Instead of saying "How could he go back to that?" I think it'd be far better for your friend to just chalk it up to present incompatibility, and focus on moving forward. 1
mortensorchid Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 THere are people out there who simply love drama. They love throwing tantrums and making it all about them. Hopefully, a percentage of us will get over this behavior and work towards something better for ourselves and others. However, we have to learn several lessons with others before we make that decission AND stick to it. I have asked myself this question several times when I see it before me. God knows I have had my share of dramatic people, all of us are at fault when it comes to dramatics (either something internal or external). If you have reached a certain point where it's nothing but drama, then you will never get over it. But, like I said, we all live and learn and move on.
LoverOfDance Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 I think it has a lot to do with that notion of "he/she is the one". A lot of people I think can't let go because they think their partners are the "one"
SJC2008 Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 Many times people like this come from chaotic or unstable childhoods. They may have mommy or daddy issues. Bascially, humans are attracted to what they are comfortable with. It sounds crazy, but growing up in a drama filled household makes the person feel as if drama is normal. It is what they know. They never had a model for a normal, healthy relationship. A relationship without drama can feel boring or uncomfortable. In addition, if a woman feels abandoned or unloved by her father, she will often seek out unavailable men to relive those unresolved issues. This often happens with men who have very domineering or unstable mothers. They will seek out women with similar personalities and relive the drama, seeking the love they crave. These people often logically realize that these people are bad for them, but the draw is too powerful for them to stay away. There is much truth to the saying "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree". Many people recreate the dysfunction of their original families, seeking dysfunctional partners, raising dysfunctional children... and the cycle continues. I grew up in a very disfuncitonal household. Yelling, cursing and verbal abuse, could never meet my mothers expectations. Now it wasn't always bad and overalll was more good than bad but it did happen. I may be one where the apple falls far from the tree because I want the exact opposite of the household I grew up in. No yelling, treat everyone with respect and if I ever get a gf communicaiton will be the foundation of our relationship.
ascendotum Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 In addition, if a woman feels abandoned or unloved by her father, she will often seek out unavailable men to relive those unresolved issues. This often happens with men who have very domineering or unstable mothers. They will seek out women with similar personalities and relive the drama, seeking the love they crave.I've seen this dynamic especially in the daughters of single mothers (majority). ^I have seen this explanation before. Can someone who has studied psychology, please explain the reasoning behind the bolded sentence above, because I think the opposite, like SJC. I grew up with a mother who was moody, and I have little tolerance for that drama with a gf (cant eliminate it). For my logic, I thought it would be nature to seek a partner to cater for those elements you missed out on with your childhood....a devoted, romantic, supportive, great conversationalist type of bf. Why relive a crummy relationship dynamic, or are they kind of screwed up from adololesence.
ThingsAreComplicated Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 It's called love. Some people don't ever really experience it
gaius Posted June 9, 2012 Posted June 9, 2012 We've seen both men and women do this...and I'll never understand why people seemingly can't or won't let go of terrible exes when better options are presented to them. Have any of you ever done this? What made you cling to the past even though your mind and perhaps others have told you to move on? I adore women that are horrible for me. Being with a healthy girl is like eating a big bowl of salad and brussels sprouts for every meal. Good for you but not that enjoyable. The guy got tired of the diet and I don't blame him. I'm sure she'll find a guy who actually enjoys a healthy lifestyle and be better off.
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