He broke NC.

[sad puppy]

So, I left xMM on New Year's day, have not seen him since. He moved out of family home last Sep, and I just saw him a few times last fall. It was rocky as he was saying he wanted to heal, grieve the marriage, ... all understandable, however, he had plenty of time to go out with friends and such and have fun. So, I was annoyed. Actually have been annoyed since we met, haha.

 

Now, keep in mind, I have no idea whether he is divorced or not. Last I knew, they had a mediation appt set for Feb & one in Mar. I really have no idea as to his status. None.

 

So, I've been working hard on NC, feeling stronger, feeling convinced that, ultimately, I want nothing to do with him in the future. In the spring of this year, I had a difficult day and broke down & called a friend of his, a woman friend (who I do not know in real life but she knows all about our affair/relationship) and she & I spoke. She revealed nothing about his status, I can't even remember what we spoke about, but we talked for an hour - probably a bit more generalized things. I was crying when I called her, and essentially told her I was having a difficult day, (she's a therapist, not his, though) ... All she really said was "he's in his process now". Whatever that means.

 

So, I get an email now where he states, casually, that she let him know I called and that we spoke & he "hopes I am doing ok". WTF? I spoke to her over two months ago, and she said right after we hung up she was going to call him & let him know we talked. So, now, all of the sudden, I am getting this casual inquiry email?

 

I am feeling annoyed, yet, obviously confused. I don't have any inclination to respond whatsoever. However, I would like to know what you think? Why is he now, suddenly, out of nowhere emailing me after 5 months NC. He damn well knows I went NC because I felt he was stringing me along, and I was OVER IT. In no uncertain terms I let him know that I was done with our relationship.

 

So, if anyone has some thoughtful insight, I would appreciate it. What makes this all so difficult is I just do not know his marital status and I have no way to find out. That's one big mystery. But, now I am wondering why he would contact me after 5 months NC. And "I hope you're ok". What the heck? I made one crying phone call 2 months ago, and now this? Geez.

 

Let me know your thoughts - thanks, peeps!

[beyond]

So, I left xMM on New Year's day, have not seen him since. He moved out of family home last Sep, and I just saw him a few times last fall. It was rocky as he was saying he wanted to heal, grieve the marriage, ... all understandable, however, he had plenty of time to go out with friends and such and have fun. So, I was annoyed. Actually have been annoyed since we met, haha.

 

Now, keep in mind, I have no idea whether he is divorced or not. Last I knew, they had a mediation appt set for Feb & one in Mar. I really have no idea as to his status. None.

 

So, I've been working hard on NC, feeling stronger, feeling convinced that, ultimately, I want nothing to do with him in the future. In the spring of this year, I had a difficult day and broke down & called a friend of his, a woman friend (who I do not know in real life but she knows all about our affair/relationship) and she & I spoke. She revealed nothing about his status, I can't even remember what we spoke about, but we talked for an hour - probably a bit more generalized things. I was crying when I called her, and essentially told her I was having a difficult day, (she's a therapist, not his, though) ... All she really said was "he's in his process now". Whatever that means.

 

So, I get an email now where he states, casually, that she let him know I called and that we spoke & he "hopes I am doing ok". WTF? I spoke to her over two months ago, and she said right after we hung up she was going to call him & let him know we talked. So, now, all of the sudden, I am getting this casual inquiry email?

 

I am feeling annoyed, yet, obviously confused. I don't have any inclination to respond whatsoever. However, I would like to know what you think? Why is he now, suddenly, out of nowhere emailing me after 5 months NC. He damn well knows I went NC because I felt he was stringing me along, and I was OVER IT. In no uncertain terms I let him know that I was done with our relationship.

 

So, if anyone has some thoughtful insight, I would appreciate it. What makes this all so difficult is I just do not know his marital status and I have no way to find out. That's one big mystery. But, now I am wondering why he would contact me after 5 months NC. And "I hope you're ok". What the heck? I made one crying phone call 2 months ago, and now this? Geez.

 

Let me know your thoughts - thanks, peeps!

 

 

You made a crying phone call and he sent you an email probably for similar reason - having a bad day, missing you, curious what you are doing etc.

 

Doesn't really mean a whole lot does it? He could contact you telling you his marital status, if he wants you back , if he can't live without you.....but instead he says 'i hope you're ok'.

 

No reason to break NC

[Quiet Storm]

He wants to keep you on his string. Even though he does not want to commit to you, he wants you to keep thinking about him. Knowing that you are not over him feeds his ego, so he wants to make sure you don't get completely over him.

 

A lot of men, even after they have moved on or are committed elsewhere, will periodically contact their exes under the guise of seeing how they're doing. It gives them a sense of satisfaction to know that they are still on the minds of their exes. It is purely selfish and is done for validation or ego feeding purposes.

 

If you respond positively, he will likely start planting the seeds to restart the affair. Don't assume that because he wants to be in a relationship, that he has changed the things that caused the break up. Most times, they have not changed and you will just be accepting the same or even less than before.

[Furious]

He gave you zero information. That in itself speaks volumes.

[MissBee]

From my experience, whenever my ex would send me some text or one liner email, he was fishing. When you're not over that person, it no doubt piques your curiosity and you start wondering what could this mean? Sometimes you even go as far as to start assuming it means things have changed for them for the better, they want you back, now you are having a second chance etc.

 

I often bought into these little messages and would either mull it over for days before coming up with the "perfect response" or would answer immediately. Usually after that, I heard nothing more from him OR he would start messaging me more frequently, then proceed to try to hang out....then I'd "be cautious" but hang out with him hoping this time would be different, and I'd end up disappointed, as NOTHING changed. He just missed me and wanted some ego stroking at that time. There was a void and I was the perfect fill for it.....but in terms of respecting me and wanting something more substantial and genuinely caring, he didn't. It was about him and his needs, no matter how he tried to act like he was checking up on me

 

Your guy may be doing the same. If he wanted you to know his marital status and was serious about being a decent friend or anything, he wouldn't send you some short message of "I hope you're ok"...wtf?! You don't need his pity and you shouldn't have cried to his friend at all. What's done is done though, but next time, I don't think you should include his friend in this. I'd be insulted by that message and I suggest you ignore it.

Edited June 8, 2012 by MissBee

[sad puppy]

And the email was on Facebook, yep, still friends on there - but no interaction at all. Anyway, I can assure you there is not one single thing I ever posted that would allude to sadness, heartbreak. Nothing. My posts have always been the same peppy things I post, going out with friends, out at places, ...

 

Now, where he comes up with "hope you're doing ok" is ridiculous. That what's bizarre. That and the fact that I am trying to carry on and he sends that bs email after all this time.

[sad puppy]

Oh, there will never be another reason to contact his friend. If anything, the best thing that came out of that call was the verification that he shared too much about "us". That reinforced my overall belief that he has zero appropriate boundaries. For anyone, ever. Your words here, everybody, are very helpful. Thanks, I knew there'd be some clear thinking to help me.

[PeineDeCoeur]

So, I left xMM on New Year's day, have not seen him since. He moved out of family home last Sep, and I just saw him a few times last fall. It was rocky as he was saying he wanted to heal, grieve the marriage, ... all understandable, however, he had plenty of time to go out with friends and such and have fun. So, I was annoyed. Actually have been annoyed since we met, haha.

 

Now, keep in mind, I have no idea whether he is divorced or not. Last I knew, they had a mediation appt set for Feb & one in Mar. I really have no idea as to his status. None.

 

So, I've been working hard on NC, feeling stronger, feeling convinced that, ultimately, I want nothing to do with him in the future. In the spring of this year, I had a difficult day and broke down & called a friend of his, a woman friend (who I do not know in real life but she knows all about our affair/relationship) and she & I spoke. She revealed nothing about his status, I can't even remember what we spoke about, but we talked for an hour - probably a bit more generalized things. I was crying when I called her, and essentially told her I was having a difficult day, (she's a therapist, not his, though) ... All she really said was "he's in his process now". Whatever that means.

 

So, I get an email now where he states, casually, that she let him know I called and that we spoke & he "hopes I am doing ok". WTF? I spoke to her over two months ago, and she said right after we hung up she was going to call him & let him know we talked. So, now, all of the sudden, I am getting this casual inquiry email?

 

I am feeling annoyed, yet, obviously confused. I don't have any inclination to respond whatsoever. However, I would like to know what you think? Why is he now, suddenly, out of nowhere emailing me after 5 months NC. He damn well knows I went NC because I felt he was stringing me along, and I was OVER IT. In no uncertain terms I let him know that I was done with our relationship.

 

So, if anyone has some thoughtful insight, I would appreciate it. What makes this all so difficult is I just do not know his marital status and I have no way to find out. That's one big mystery. But, now I am wondering why he would contact me after 5 months NC. And "I hope you're ok". What the heck? I made one crying phone call 2 months ago, and now this? Geez.

 

Let me know your thoughts - thanks, peeps!

 

Oh boy, this sure sounds familiar! The one-liner email that offers you absolutely no information.. under the guise of caring.. months after the fact.

 

I haven't filtered out my xMM but I'm seriously considering it, cuz every time I get an email like this, it effects me. If he really cared for your welfare, why wouldn't he pick up a phone and talk to you directly?

 

If you were to find out his marital status, how would it affect you? If he were single, would you consider him for a relationship? If he's still married, would you be disappointed?

[whichwayisup]

He gave you zero information. That in itself speaks volumes.

 

This pretty much sums it up. If he wanted to let you know what is going on his life he could have said something..he didn't.

 

Do yourself a huge favour! Delete him off your list and block him on facebook. It serves NO purpose to have him on your facebook. Or for you to be on his..All that does too is keep the door open a crack when you feel like lurking on his page.

 

Don't reply. Assume things are the same as they were before.

[RickFox]

For the same reason my ex MW, after six or seven months or so of no contact sent me two back door messages on facebook saying "hi" and "hey".

 

I agree with the others, selfishness.

[Happyface]

And the email was on Facebook, yep, still friends on there - but no interaction at all. Anyway, I can assure you there is not one single thing I ever posted that would allude to sadness, heartbreak. Nothing. My posts have always been the same peppy things I post, going out with friends, out at place

 

HF

Now, where he comes up with "hope you're doing ok" is ridiculous. That what's bizarre. That and the fact that I am trying to carry on and he sends that bs email after all this time.

 

Why don't you unfriend him... that's not really NC. You can still see what he's doing I presume? Is that what you are secretly hoping.. that he will still check on you and your activities?

 

Doesn't sound like he's overly intereted to me.

 

HF

[beachbabe82]

. I'm sad he sent you that cause I think it just brings up past memories and emotions and in a tiny way sets you back

 

Delete his butt from your Facebook. How many times since January did you check his Facebook page? Do you tweet and does he follow you?

 

I was like "wow" when you said you called a woman friend of his who you didn't know!!! That's kinda ballsy!! Wasn't it weird talking to some lady about him that ya didn't even know? How did you get her number?

[whichwayisup]

Oh, there will never be another reason to contact his friend. If anything, the best thing that came out of that call was the verification that he shared too much about "us". That reinforced my overall belief that he has zero appropriate boundaries. For anyone, ever. Your words here, everybody, are very helpful. Thanks, I knew there'd be some clear thinking to help me.

 

The thing is, why shouldn't he have shared that with her? She's a therapist and his friend. And of course she will pass on information that you shared with her (or did you tell her NOT tell him?).. Her loyality is with him not you since you say you and this woman have never met.

 

Keep posting/venting!

[sad puppy]

The thing is, why shouldn't he have shared that with her? She's a therapist and his friend. And of course she will pass on information that you shared with her (or did you tell her NOT tell him?).. Her loyality is with him not you since you say you and this woman have never met.

 

Keep posting/venting!

 

No, I knew she would share the info with him and she told me that. I didn't care. I just found it strange that my call to her was over 2 mos ago and she said she was calling him right after our call. So why does he NOW call, months later?

 

More to the story - as always, .... Last fall, he was always telling me that he spoke to her about his marriage, affair, ... He shared a lot of personal, intimate stuff about us - with her. I thought it was wrong and breaking our confidence. Long story short, I told him I didn't like it, as we were moving into a new phase of our relationship, and I wanted the emotional intimacy to stop. He agreed, said we needed to keep our stuff between us. One week after that, he rethought and said he couldn't stop being friends, I tried to explain the difference. And then I walked. I felt it was indicative of a man who had zero boundaries.

 

She was supportive of me and him together, he wanted us to be friends, blah, blah, but he didn't see the inappropriate sharing of intimate and spiritual stuff as a problem. At that point, I had enough.

 

So, the beauty of it, when I spoke to her, was she started explaining about their friendship, how there was nothing romantic, .... And then I knew, bingo! He had shared with her my exact thoughts. See? He just kept doing it. That's when I knew he was incapable of honoring or respecting a relationship. And after our affair, I also knew the depths of his ability to lie and betray. Quite frankly, it was the lying to his kids that propelled me to begin thinking of ending it all.

 

And yes, I know, it's sounds hypocritical as I had an affair with him, but, as far as his friends, sister, and me knew, it was a long dead marriage.

 

All this is sort of besides the real point, the real point being that yes, I think he reached out as a selfish move, to check in and probably expected a response. Also, a dick move to write a short bs email, after all this time and everything we went through. But let's say he didn't divorce, what a major league idiot to think he would start up again with me. I wasn't frikkin kidding when I left. And to go NC for 5 months is a long time. So it left me confused.

 

I figured she told him two mos ago. For whatever reason he emailed me a day ago. Everyone's experience is so helpful here, to help me sort it out. Yeah, he's fishing or is looking for an ego stroke or maybe is trying to make himself feel like a "good guy" with the "hope you're ok" comment. This is good. Although I'm confused emotionally a little, intellectually I am not. And this little email just confirms everything you all said - he wasn't respectful or kind enough to share info with me. Verdict? Selfish.

 

I was never tempted to respond, ever. I am committed to NC and I keep reminding myself of the comment "NC doesn't put you in hell, NC opens the gates and let's you out". I always read about those that regret deeply breaking their NC, I will not do it.

 

And that lame-ass email confirmed what a coward and weasel he really is. He's an attorney - all he does is write and speak, and that's all he's got? Words cannot explain, he seems so clueless and actually, heartless to even break NC.

[sad puppy]

. I'm sad he sent you that cause I think it just brings up past memories and emotions and in a tiny way sets you back

 

Delete his butt from your Facebook. How many times since January did you check his Facebook page? Do you tweet and does he follow you?

 

I was like "wow" when you said you called a woman friend of his who you didn't know!!! That's kinda ballsy!! Wasn't it weird talking to some lady about him that ya didn't even know? How did you get her number?

 

She's a therapist, trust me, she knew all about me, every detail. She knew exactly who I was when I called. No tweeting, just fb. Yeah, time to pull the trigger there.

[sad puppy]

Oh boy, this sure sounds familiar! The one-liner email that offers you absolutely no information.. under the guise of caring.. months after the fact.

 

I haven't filtered out my xMM but I'm seriously considering it, cuz every time I get an email like this, it effects me. If he really cared for your welfare, why wouldn't he pick up a phone and talk to you directly?

 

If you were to find out his marital status, how would it affect you? If he were single, would you consider him for a relationship? If he's still married, would you be disappointed?

 

I've thought of those questions. If he stayed married - it would confirm he's a coward. (8 year sexless marriage, behavioral dynamics affecting son, wife doesnt EVER go out with him socially, theyve never had a babysitter EVER - there are problems there). If he actually divorced, I'd be a little impressed that he found his balls, but in my heart of hearts, I don't trust him. That's why NC was not as difficult for me as others. It hasn't been easy at times, but I know it's best for me in the long run. We truly loved each other, it's true, but at some point "hey, ya gotta man up", he said the same thing to me about himself. I want a partner that understands and wants to live a healthy life, emotionally, and someone that has the courage to address problems so as to have a better, more meaningful life. I just see a cheating liar who was fairly complacent in his life, who cheated bigtime. End your damn marriage and quit betraying your kids, or buck up and stop cheating and stay in your marriage. Cowardly man. Cowardly and lost, not someone I respect.

[sad puppy]

Why don't you unfriend him... that's not really NC. You can still see what he's doing I presume? Is that what you are secretly hoping.. that he will still check on you and your activities?

 

Doesn't sound like he's overly intereted to me.

 

HF

 

Fb, so challenging. But I'll be honest - to see if I can see what he's up to, obviously, but he doesn't post much. And also, yes I'm evil, to show him I am busy and remind him of what he lost. So childish, I know. I need to pull the trigger and de friend him. but what I find irritating is the "hope you're ok" comment. He can see my fb stuff - this girl ain't falling apart. That's why that comment is so peculiar. Yes, I know, I know, I gotta pull the plug on fb.

[alexandria35]

No, I knew she would share the info with him and she told me that. I didn't care. I just found it strange that my call to her was over 2 mos ago and she said she was calling him right after our call. So why does he NOW call, months later?

 

More to the story - as always, .... Last fall, he was always telling me that he spoke to her about his marriage, affair, ... He shared a lot of personal, intimate stuff about us - with her. I thought it was wrong and breaking our confidence. Long story short, I told him I didn't like it, as we were moving into a new phase of our relationship, and I wanted the emotional intimacy to stop. He agreed, said we needed to keep our stuff between us. One week after that, he rethought and said he couldn't stop being friends, I tried to explain the difference. And then I walked. I felt it was indicative of a man who had zero boundaries.

 

She was supportive of me and him together, he wanted us to be friends, blah, blah, but he didn't see the inappropriate sharing of intimate and spiritual stuff as a problem. At that point, I had enough.

 

So, the beauty of it, when I spoke to her, was she started explaining about their friendship, how there was nothing romantic, .... And then I knew, bingo! He had shared with her my exact thoughts. See? He just kept doing it. That's when I knew he was incapable of honoring or respecting a relationship. And after our affair, I also knew the depths of his ability to lie and betray. Quite frankly, it was the lying to his kids that propelled me to begin thinking of ending it all.

 

And yes, I know, it's sounds hypocritical as I had an affair with him, but, as far as his friends, sister, and me knew, it was a long dead marriage.

 

All this is sort of besides the real point, the real point being that yes, I think he reached out as a selfish move, to check in and probably expected a response. Also, a dick move to write a short bs email, after all this time and everything we went through. But let's say he didn't divorce, what a major league idiot to think he would start up again with me. I wasn't frikkin kidding when I left. And to go NC for 5 months is a long time. So it left me confused.

 

I figured she told him two mos ago. For whatever reason he emailed me a day ago. Everyone's experience is so helpful here, to help me sort it out. Yeah, he's fishing or is looking for an ego stroke or maybe is trying to make himself feel like a "good guy" with the "hope you're ok" comment. This is good. Although I'm confused emotionally a little, intellectually I am not. And this little email just confirms everything you all said - he wasn't respectful or kind enough to share info with me. Verdict? Selfish.

 

I was never tempted to respond, ever. I am committed to NC and I keep reminding myself of the comment "NC doesn't put you in hell, NC opens the gates and let's you out". I always read about those that regret deeply breaking their NC, I will not do it.

 

And that lame-ass email confirmed what a coward and weasel he really is. He's an attorney - all he does is write and speak, and that's all he's got? Words cannot explain, he seems so clueless and actually, heartless to even break NC.

 

I think you are absolutely correct in thinking that it was inappropriate for him to running to his female friend with all the intimate details of your affair, just as it was inappropriate for him to have shared with you all the intimate details of his marriage. Sounds like a guy who relishes support and attention from females. Like he prefers getting attention for his problems rather than actually solving his problems.

 

I think his "hope you are okay" message was actually saying "hope you are not okay. Hope you are miserable without me and that this lame ass message will get you to come running back"

[sad puppy]

I think you are absolutely correct in thinking that it was inappropriate for him to running to his female friend with all the intimate details of your affair, just as it was inappropriate for him to have shared with you all the intimate details of his marriage. Sounds like a guy who relishes support and attention from females. Like he prefers getting attention for his problems rather than actually solving his problems. BINGO!!!

 

I think his "hope you are okay" message was actually saying "hope you are not okay. Hope you are miserable without me and that this lame ass message will get you to come running back"

 

Alexandria - you are correct, and insightful! First off, he didn't share a lot of details regarding his marriage, it's something we rarely spoke about, I just didn't ever ask questions, I felt like it was none of my business. But, over the course of a 20 mo affair, obviously, I learned enough, as he shared frustrations & problems in the marriage - but, really, at no time did he ever really "bad mouth" his wife.

 

But, last fall, when I put together how much he was confiding in his "friend" about very personal details regarding our relationship, spiritual, private things, I really started to see how incapable he was, overall, of honoring and respecting a love relationship. In my research on affairs & cheating men, I read that if they have a lot of "female friends", that is a warning sign. He said that early on - "I have a lot of female friends, my wife doesn't mind". Well, it's because she was 100% sexually checked out and apparently had no problem with him going out on his own all the time.

 

Additionally, what married guy is going out with another married woman for private one-on-one dinners to discuss all the intimate details of his relationship? When I spoke to her, I really wanted to ask her, "hey, does your husband have a "special woman friend" that he goes out with to discuss his intimate life?". That, I believe, would've stopped her in her tracks. But I didn't want to be adversarial.

 

Another thing he said back when I raised my unhappiness with this relationship was "you know, she's on your side". WTF? Is she the referee here, she votes on who YOU should be with - me or your wife? Unbelievable.

 

Thank you for agreeing that his relationship was inappropriate. I felt so too, quite strongly. It just started to put everything into place - a guy that is incapable of running his life on his own, unable to trust his own instincts, a guy that needs to, literally, have other people decide what he should do regarding his life's most important decisions. He's weak, a cheating coward, with no emotional boundaries. I just knew, deep in my heart, that moving forward, if we were to be together, that he didn't have the qualities I admire in a person, whether male or female. He should've ended his marriage a very long time ago, or quickly after he met me, instead of dragging everyone through the mud, and then finally, they told the kids about "daddy's lady friend". OMG - what a disaster, highly not necessary with young kids. He's been in MC, IC, talking with his "friend" - what a confused, lost, pitiful man. Not admirable. Geez - pull the trigger! Make a decision! Run YOUR OWN LIFE! Get on with it! Do something! Anything!

 

And like I've said before - he had an epiphany last summer with me, where he suddenly stated "I'm leaving". It was something to watch. But after that, he said to me "you know, you can do so much better than me". I didn't repsond then, but I responded on New Years day when I left. I reminded him of that, and said "you know what? You're right, I can do so much better than you".

 

I will never respond to his lame email. Ever. Thanks for allowing me to continue to process, you all are a great support.

[MissBee]

I think you are absolutely correct in thinking that it was inappropriate for him to running to his female friend with all the intimate details of your affair, just as it was inappropriate for him to have shared with you all the intimate details of his marriage. Sounds like a guy who relishes support and attention from females. Like he prefers getting attention for his problems rather than actually solving his problems.

 

I think his "hope you are okay" message was actually saying "hope you are not okay. Hope you are miserable without me and that this lame ass message will get you to come running back"

 

This touched on something for me. I realize my ex was this kind of guy....the one who relished support and attention from females, who liked talking about his problems versus solving them.

 

He had one male friend, and then all his other friends were females. He said he felt better with women as friends and that he doesn't always get along with guys (red flag that I saw waving but chose to ignore). But he did the same as you said...he had this harem of female friends whom he could lay his problems on, who would pander to him, nurture him and say "poor thing". Guys would most likely not sit around listening to him whine and wail all day, while offering him tea, so of course since he had NO interest in changing, that setup was perfect. Did I mention he had mommy issues as well, and had an overdeveloped relationship with her?

[MissBee]

Additionally, what married guy is going out with another married woman for private one-on-one dinners to discuss all the intimate details of his relationship? When I spoke to her, I really wanted to ask her, "hey, does your husband have a "special woman friend" that he goes out with to discuss his intimate life?".

 

Thank you for agreeing that his relationship was inappropriate. I felt so too, quite strongly. It just started to put everything into place - a guy that is incapable of running his life on his own, unable to trust his own instincts, a guy that needs to, literally, have other people decide what he should do regarding his life's most important decisions. He's weak, a cheating coward, with no emotional boundaries. I just knew, deep in my heart, that moving forward, if we were to be together, that he didn't have the qualities I admire in a person, whether male or female. He should've ended his marriage a very long time ago, or quickly after he met me, instead of dragging everyone through the mud, and then finally, they told the kids about "daddy's lady friend". OMG - what a disaster, highly not necessary with young kids. He's been in MC, IC, talking with his "friend" - what a confused, lost, pitiful man. Not admirable. Geez - pull the trigger! Make a decision! Run YOUR OWN LIFE! Get on with it! Do something! Anything!

.

 

It's so good, even if ugly, to put things into perspective.

 

He has absolutely zero emotional boundaries. I recall one OW on LS discussing how her MM talks to her about his sex life with his wife and complains about it and she has to comfort him...WTF?! I find that to be so strange and such a turn off. Instead of taking it as a sign this person loves you or trusts you, you should be insulted, and also realize people with poor emotional boundaries over-share, over-share often, and with people they barely even know. Your situation reminded me a bit of that, at least he didn't discuss that with you, but the idea that a grown man in any relationship needs cheerleaders and other people to "vote" on things for him and who needs to discuss intimate details with women friends is just juvenile.

 

 

Poor boundaries ruin relationships....but people with poor boundaries often don't even realize it, but think "things just happen" to them. They act as though they are victims of circumstance and fate without thought to the series of actions (propelled by loose boundaries) that allow them to get from point A to Z.

[Happyface]

Fb, so challenging. But I'll be honest - to see if I can see what he's up to, obviously, but he doesn't post much. And also, yes I'm evil, to show him I am busy and remind him of what he lost. So childish, I know. I need to pull the trigger and de friend him. but what I find irritating is the "hope you're ok" comment. He can see my fb stuff - this girl ain't falling apart. That's why that comment is so peculiar. Yes, I know, I know, I gotta pull the plug on fb.

 

I also wonder why you called HIS friend when you were having a bad day? Was it because you wanted him to know? Surely it would have been more appropriate to call one of your friends?

 

HF

[alexandria35]

This touched on something for me. I realize my ex was this kind of guy....the one who relished support and attention from females, who liked talking about his problems versus solving them.

 

He had one male friend, and then all his other friends were females. He said he felt better with women as friends and that he doesn't always get along with guys (red flag that I saw waving but chose to ignore). But he did the same as you said...he had this harem of female friends whom he could lay his problems on, who would pander to him, nurture him and say "poor thing". Guys would most likely not sit around listening to him whine and wail all day, while offering him tea, so of course since he had NO interest in changing, that setup was perfect. Did I mention he had mommy issues as well, and had an overdeveloped relationship with her?

 

Oh I'm with you and sad puppy on this. I had a guy like that too. He had a few very casual male friends that he would occassionaly hang out with but he did all of his whining and soul baring to his women friends. Once we had a big fight and didn't talk to each other for several days. Then we made up but one day shortly after I heard a message left for him by a female friend. She said she was worried about him since their recent conversation and she sounded just soooo concerned for him. Because he was so good at getting women to see him as this poor wounded soul who did nothing wrong other than trying to find love. They would have been shocked at who he truly was. Anyways when I asked him what he had talked to her about he immediately became defensive and attacked me. Accused me of being a crazy psycho woman who didn't even want him to have friends. He became so aggressive that I just backed down and dropped it. I even tried to excuse it in my own mind, trying to convince myself that he was hurt over our falling out and it was okay that he had leaned on this female friend, but deep down I knew that it was wrong and I felt terriby betrayed by him. Like sad puppy I realized that he had no appropriate boundaries and as a result I didn't ever really trust him and his female friendships. I don't think he ever actually cheated with his friends but he had a need for constant attention and validation from women and honoring my feelings and our relationship took a back seat to that.

[MissBee]

Oh I'm with you and sad puppy on this. I had a guy like that too. He had a few very casual male friends that he would occassionaly hang out with but he did all of his whining and soul baring to his women friends. Once we had a big fight and didn't talk to each other for several days. Then we made up but one day shortly after I heard a message left for him by a female friend. She said she was worried about him since their recent conversation and she sounded just soooo concerned for him. Because he was so good at getting women to see him as this poor wounded soul who did nothing wrong other than trying to find love. They would have been shocked at who he truly was. Anyways when I asked him what he had talked to her about he immediately became defensive and attacked me. Accused me of being a crazy psycho woman who didn't even want him to have friends. He became so aggressive that I just backed down and dropped it. I even tried to excuse it in my own mind, trying to convince myself that he was hurt over our falling out and it was okay that he had leaned on this female friend, but deep down I knew that it was wrong and I felt terriby betrayed by him. Like sad puppy I realized that he had no appropriate boundaries and as a result I didn't ever really trust him and his female friendships. I don't think he ever actually cheated with his friends but he had a need for constant attention and validation from women and honoring my feelings and our relationship took a back seat to that.

 

Oh gosh...I totally began seeing more of my ex in this, more than I remember on a regular day.

 

First off, I find it off putting when grown people seem attached at the hip and the mind to their friends, where the friends make up a parliament that decides together on decisions in the person's life. My ex and his harem of female friends were like this...just like sad puppy's exMM, who said his female friend was "on her side" as if she was a part of a voting committee on his life, my ex and his friends were like this. I remember when we broke up abruptly, he explained that he and his friends talked it over and decided on it...WTF?! Now I'm not saying you don't run things over with friends...but I bounce ideas off of and vent with friends, then make my OWN decision, and when I tell someone else MY decision, I don't explain it that "My friends and I decided we need to break up". I forgot about this and seeing your story me think of that! Did I mention that he even had a name for his harem of friends??? What GROWN man does this?

 

I remember I felt so uncomfortable aorund his harem...one included a married woman, whose house we would hang out at for movie nights and game nights or just to chill, and did I mention that his one male friend lived with the married woman and her husband!!!! Then my ex informed me that back in the day he slept with her once (before she was married). In all this hanging out, I think her husband was there probably twice. It was all weird and too close for comfort and I always felt like the odd one out...and they'd all comment about me not being friendly enough or why I didn't talk to them more. I suppose since I had more boundaries than they were used to, I seemed standoffish, probably why I got voted out

 

I'm sure I could find countless examples of the inappropriate boundaries and strange female friendships. I'm sure he wasn't cheating with them but he did admit that most of them were women he had sex with before!

[sad puppy]

Oh gosh...I totally began seeing more of my ex in this, more than I remember on a regular day.

 

First off, I find it off putting when grown people seem attached at the hip and the mind to their friends, where the friends make up a parliament that decides together on decisions in the person's life. My ex and his harem of female friends were like this...just like sad puppy's exMM, who said his female friend was "on her side" as if she was a part of a voting committee on his life, my ex and his friends were like this. I remember when we broke up abruptly, he explained that he and his friends talked it over and decided on it...WTF?! Now I'm not saying you don't run things over with friends...but I bounce ideas off of and vent with friends, then make my OWN decision, and when I tell someone else MY decision, I don't explain it that "My friends and I decided we need to break up". I forgot about this and seeing your story me think of that! Did I mention that he even had a name for his harem of friends??? What GROWN man does this?

 

I remember I felt so uncomfortable aorund his harem...one included a married woman, whose house we would hang out at for movie nights and game nights or just to chill, and did I mention that his one male friend lived with the married woman and her husband!!!! Then my ex informed me that back in the day he slept with her once (before she was married). In all this hanging out, I think her husband was there probably twice. It was all weird and too close for comfort and I always felt like the odd one out...and they'd all comment about me not being friendly enough or why I didn't talk to them more. I suppose since I had more boundaries than they were used to, I seemed standoffish, probably why I got voted out

 

I'm sure I could find countless examples of the inappropriate boundaries and strange female friendships. I'm sure he wasn't cheating with them but he did admit that most of them were women he had sex with before!

 

Yes, this is exactly what I meant when I said that I did not admire him. Poor, pathetic man in that he dragged out the "divorce conversation" with the wife, even after having been to MC months & months prior (where she never demonstrated the value of the marriage), he had been in IC, he had to be around his "really good friends for support", his intimate talks with this therapist friend. Who could admire a man that is such a weakling, a coward, I, myself, told him he was an emotional cripple. Maybe the lack of appropriate emotional boundaries is what allows some unhappy people to cheat v. those that do not? Just an internal compass problem, not some strict moral or religious code.

 

Even after he separated, he was still lying to the wife about seeing me. That, started to piss me off. She knew he had an affair, and that it was long term, they told the kids even! He moved out. But, ... he was still betraying, still lying. OMG, at what point do you decide to actually live your life with integrity? At what point do you take charge of your own life? People divorce every single day, for him, it was like some epic world wide tragedy, where he just couldn't mentally make the small step into the future by just admitting, I am moving on. So, the private, intimate meetings with his "friend" where he was not only discussing the marriage v. affair but really personal details about our little spiritual coincidences, stuff like that. I just became enraged and told him it was a dealbreaker. And I have adhered to that. It showed me, that no matter what, he couldn't honor or respect a primary partnership. And that was on top of deceiving his wife, his kids, his parents, ...

 

So, amazingly enough. Last night I was at a friend's house (who was with me when I first met xMM in real life). He had been out in the city and said "guess who I saw", I had no clue, well it was xMM. Now I never told my friend about the affair that ensued for 20 mos, so he knew nothing. So, the xMM is still living that annoying lifestyle of "always being out", drinking, seeing concerts, ... That was one of the last things I pointed out to him - "you're a piss poor father, out all the time, drinking, bars, restaurants, with friends, ... not going home every night after work to spend time with your kids, raise your kids, ...". Even though he's a highly regarded attorney - his life outside work is that of a 52 year old bar fly. THAT, is also why I couldn't eventually see a future with him.

 

One more tidbit on the therapist "friend". This is what she posted on his facebook wall for his birthday - "The world got a lot better the day you were born, xxoo." WTF? Who says that stuff on fb, one married person to another? Nobody, it's always just "happy birthday, have a great day", stuff like that. THAT is why his "friendship" with her was a deal breaker.

 

So, I ended it. He will never see me, speak to me, touch me again, ever. I am leaving him to his "really good friends", his drinking lifestyle, his dysfunctional relationship with wife/ex-wife, and his emotionally crippled, lying self.