Awaiting his answer...

[Nubianangel]

Since being on this board for a week now I've been rude, abrasive, sarcastic and defensive but most of all I've been questioning my behavior. I've been trying to find my reasons for accepting the role as 'second fiddle'. I suppose in some way, I joined this board in order to gain some type of knowledge, but I mostly craved the opportunity to discuss my feelings, my hopes and fears with fellow OW. I was able to do that and I've met some wonderful women, especially Kiababy, who helped me to put a name to my inner pain--love addiction. I'd always known that my behavior was a reflection of my upbringing, especially my absentee dad but never did I suspect that those circumstances were influencing my life in such drastic and negative ways. I didn't expect it but I met a lot of opposers who helped as well, some self-righteous and brash, others willing to listen and understand. Enigma, your constant thought-provoking questions caused me to really peel the layers and look inside. In essence your posts encouraged me to get it together.

 

I am now getting it together. While my 'taken guy' will always hold a special place in my heart, I now see the importance of demanding he see and acknowledge my worth. By that, I mean I want for him to make a decison-her or me. We had a long conversation and I told him as much. Tomorrow I will find out via email what his answer will be. I'm in a bad space right now and I suppose I'm feeling sorry for myself AND for my part in stabbing his g/f in the back. I was unrepentant, shameless and I'd be the first to say SELFISH but this board has opened my eyes to a lot of truths. Truths I refused to see because I believed what I had was good enough. Part of healing is embracing the truth--positive and negative. I'm ready to heal. Should he choose me over her, I'd be overjoyed. I am in love with this man and to have him would be divine but to have him to myself would be glorious. Should he choose her over me, it will hurt and the road ahead will be rocky but I will still be overjoyed. Why? Because, it will afford me the opportunity to fall in love with me for once, discover me and when I do I believe God has something else in store for me. Discovering what or who he is will be the exciting part!

 

Thanks Kiababy and Enigma. I will post his decision tomorrow.

[kiababy]

I am so touched that I was able to be a friend to you Nubianangel - you did all the hard work yourself, please give yourself credit!!!!!! I'm sure you know what I hope the outcome is: that he choose you and only you and you run off into the sunset together. I will be praying soooo hard for that outcome - or for God to help ease your pain if he makes the opposite choice. OMIGOD I can't stop crying!!!!!! Love you girl

[supermom]

Thank you for putting yourself in the #1 spot!

[Nubianangel]

Thank you Kia-

 

You know what's strange? My name has Kia in it, I won't say what my name is on the net but I will say that 'kia' falls in the middle. How ironic but appropriate because you've been such a beacon when so many others were spreading negativity and spouting venom. Before you, I had never heard of love addiction but I now know and that's half the battle.

 

I don't think you get enough credit on this board. Everytime, I read one of your posts I saw myself, I saw my behavior, through your words I saw my feelings being described in print.

 

Love you too girl and though I'm resigning my position as the OW, I will NEVER judge you for choosing to remain one. My ears and shoulders are always here.

[kiababy]

That's funny because my real name is not even close to Kia. I just picked Kiababy as my email address and online nickname because I liked the way it sounded, don't even know why. I guess some things happen for a reason

 

You don't know how you made my day sweetheart, I have no female friends in the 'real world' because I never find any common ground with women. How ironic I found friendship here! I have to give 'props' to Enigma - the 'Love Addiction' link came from her...I wonder how many lives will be changed for the better because of it?

 

Before you came to this forum I was incredibly negative too and spouted my own venom, I guess it's just part of the process...Debster patiently helped me see that there was a lot of hurt hiding under all the bravado and I started to open up and see the real issues.

 

My own situation is not progressing toward the better yet. It's a little out of control right now...thanks so much for your offer of support, it means the world to me to have women such as you and Spock there for me. I was a little worried that I would be 'left behind' as you ladies left your MM and moved on to better, healthier lives..but both of you have been wonderful and patient with me. Thank you so much.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I'll be anxious to see what this stray dog does once he's backed into a corner.

 

I'm still worried for you Nubian, because I don't think this player will be happy with just one woman. Even if he does end it with his other girlfriend (which I doubt) he'll be out looking for another OW to fill the vacancy.

 

You'll have your hands full, for sure, trying to keep this mutt on a short leash. I don't know what it is that this guy has that makes him so special, but I think you deserve better than what he's got to offer you.

 

Shoot, go buy yourself a puppy. It'll show you more "loyalty" than this dirty horn dog...and it won't be near as much trouble to clean up after. You can even train it NOT to sniff the crotches of every female friend you invite over. Unless of course, your boyfriend agrees to getting neutered.

[Nubianangel]

Good Morning ladies,

 

Well not surprisingly, his answer was this:

 

Although I've got issues at home that drive me to drink and at times get violent and break ****, I can't say that I have plans to leave her. I'm sorry..I didn't have plans on leaving my ex-wife, but I did. I always give a situation the benefit of the doubt even when it's a hopeless one. I'm not saying that things are grim in my relationship at home, I'm just saying they are not all happy go lucky. I am happy with her emotionally and sexually, although my actions with you say different things. I don't want to mislead you into thinking "just hang on there T, I'll be free soon.." That's not how I am and it's not how I want you to think. I mess around with you because you excite me in a way my girlfriend doesn't (being real).. and although at times I've been distant emotionally with you I made it a point to fill your wild sexual side as well as mine in the hopes that you were feeling that. I know what you have to do, and I do not blame you for it. You have to take care of yourself and do what's right for *name deleted*..... I will always support you for that ... you can count on that.. even if it's controlling myself around you.... ( I mean it).

*we work together*

 

I've been shedding lots of tears since I received this but for some odd reason, it feels good to cry. I'm also angry and my heart is hurting but I have no doubt this will eventually pass. It's amazing how I deluded myself into thinking that this person felt what I felt. I now know in my mind I was writing our fairytale, funny thing is he didn't follow the script.

[kiababy]

I'm crying right along with you, I am soooo sorry it turned out this way. Eventually pretty much all of the OW will face the same reality one way or another

 

AND I WILL JUMP DOWN THE THROAT OF ANYONE WHO DARES TO TELL THIS WOMAN 'I TOLD YOU SO', OR 'YOU GOT WHAT YOU DESERVE' OR ANY OTHER NASTY COMMENTS.

 

She did NOT deserve to be hurt - please allow her to grieve, she has every right to.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Nubian, I know you don't realize it right now, but it is a blessing in disguise!

 

Although I've got issues at home that drive me to drink and at times get violent and break ****,

 

Have a good cry and purge yourself of this loser once and for all. He is no good for you (or ANY woman)...he never was. He's a user and abuser who did nothing but hold you down.

 

I have no doubt YOU have the intestinal fortitude to make a clean break. I don't think what you have is an "addiction"... YET. I've seen an inner strength in you that's rare in these OW/OM posts. I think you've got the determination and self-worth to pull yourself out and land on your feet.

 

So...you made a bad choice for yourself. So what. When I was young like you, inexperience landed me with a few losers, too. You file the lessons and grow from them. Believe me, you are well on your way to becoming a stronger and wiser woman. The bumps and bruises are what earn you your stripes.

 

I absolutely admire your courage and strength. You'll get through this...YOU WILL! And lucky will be the GOOD man who finally finds you one day and captures your heart.

[shortbus74]

Nubian... I know it hurts but I promise you that you will find someone who is devoted to you and only you!!

 

 

You did the right thing.... but not wanting to be second fiddle,

 

Best to you and dont give up on love yet, there is someone in this world for you...

[Nubianangel]

Kiababy-

You are my LoveShack angel, thank you.

We'll both dole out some tongue lashing if ANYONE starts with that 'I told you so' or 'thats what you get' crap.

I think a part of living life and gaining knowledge is through experience and I've experienced what it feels like to be the third party in a relationship. The knowledge I've gained is immeasurable, I discovered I am worthy and I deserve better than him.

My outcome wasn't a good one and I will never recommend this to any woman BUT I will never condemn her either. What people don't understand is for many of us OW, desire is such a powerful feeling. I had always had a bit of low self-esteem and his desire for me changed that. He made me feel wanted, exceptional, sexy and above all beautiful. I was afraid that if I walked away, I might not ever feel that way about myself again. I now realize I have to feel it and believe it first and foremost.

So far, we've kept our distance. What I'm wrestling with now is do I want to build a friendship with this person. Is that possible? I have a feeling it's not but I'm asking because we work together and at the end of July, my usual supervisor is leaving and he will be filling his shoes. What a precarious situation I've gotten myself into. *frustrated sigh*

Thanks for the supportive words ladies.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Trying to re-establish some kind of friendship or "link" to this guy will only entertain temptation. If you know someone or something is bad for you, but keep finding reasons NOT to put it down, then the behavior becomes addictive.

 

It will be difficult enough to keep some level of professional contact with him since he will be your supervisor. But you MUST remain vigilant about drawing your lines if you can't find employment elsewhere. Keep your contact limited to WORK only, and don't be persuaded to join him for lunch or converse about anything other than business. If you experience a moment of weakness, come back to the forum for support. If you need it, I'll be happy to give you a swift boot in the pants.

 

BTW...the next time some guy comes sniffing around, post his "stats" here on the forum and let us give him the "thumbs up" or the "thumbs down." I've got a pretty good BS detector (fine tuned over forty years of experience) and I'll be happy to help you keep the dogs at bay!!

[sportsloving]

I don't know your entire situation, but I do feel badly that you are hurting as you are. Love and the pain that sometimes accompanies it is never easy.

 

I know you wish he had "picked" you, but when you have time to look at it all, and see the situation clearly, you will realize that this guy did you a favor. You won't have to worry about "if he is cheating" or where he is spending his time. Because he never said he was sorry for what he has done, only that he was looking for something in you that his current wasn't giving. I doubt he will ever find it all with one person ... so thankfully now that is only his problem and hers.

 

Just keep in mind you are a strong, loving person and deserve to be put first. Since you realized this yourself, the next relationship you enter will be healthier for you.

 

Best wishes for you, always

[Nubianangel]

sportsloving-

Thanks for the kind words and you're right he never did apologize, did he? At first I was feeling like crap and crying like a baby but I'm now feeling a strength I didn't realize I had. It pains me to walk pass him but I also feel a sense of relief that it is now over. Funny, I feared this day would come but now I can't imagine why I didn't confront him months ago.

 

Trying to re-establish some kind of friendship or "link" to this guy will only entertain temptation. If you know someone or something is bad for you, but keep finding reasons NOT to put it down, then the behavior becomes addictive.

 

It will be difficult enough to keep some level of professional contact with him since he will be your supervisor. But you MUST remain vigilant about drawing your lines if you can't find employment elsewhere. Keep your contact limited to WORK only, and don't be persuaded to join him for lunch or converse about anything other than business. If you experience a moment of weakness, come back to the forum for support. If you need it, I'll be happy to give you a swift boot in the pants.

 

BTW...the next time some guy comes sniffing around, post his "stats" here on the forum and let us give him the "thumbs up" or the "thumbs down." I've got a pretty good BS detector (fine tuned over forty years of experience) and I'll be happy to help you keep the dogs at bay!!

Enigma-

You're absolutely right, I have to let go completely if I plan on letting go in which I do. Or should I say I have! Professional it will be. I'm a work in progress and I guess I'm in the bargaining stage right now, hoping for some emotional contact from him. Thanks for helping me to recognize and avoid it and I will continue visiting this forum for strength and encouragement.

:laugh:I'd be happy to run any new "potentials" by you. I don't know you but for some odd reason, I truly value your opinion. They'll be happy to hear "Enigma says I can't see you anymore because..." hahahahaha

[EnigmaXOXO]

...Better yet, give me his address.

 

I'm sure I've got an Uncle Guedo somewhere in my Italian family tree that would be more than HAPPY to custom fit him with a pair of cement shoes.

 

We'll see how long he can hold his breath.

[Mr Spock]

Nub, hang in there. It will hurt less in a couple of weeks I promise. It won't stop hurting, but it will hurt less. Keep yourself busy.

[Nubianangel]

...Better yet, give me his address.

 

I'm sure I've got an Uncle Guedo somewhere in my Italian family tree that would be more than HAPPY to custom fit him with a pair of cement shoes.

 

We'll see how long he can hold his breath.

 

Would you happen to have your uncle's number?

 

Nub, hang in there. It will hurt less in a couple of weeks I promise. It won't stop hurting, but it will hurt less. Keep yourself busy.

 

I'm trying to keep the tears at bay and understand that this is a blessing in disguise. We've been avoiding each other most of the day. He did come over to my cubicle to speak to me about an order but thankfully I was outside on break, he left the message on a post-it. Also, I passed him in the cafeteria and neither one of us said a word. He just pouted. So far, so good.

The cd's I brought in, just in case this was the outcome, are comforting as well. I have Beyonce's "Me, Myself and I" cd in. For those unfamiliar with this song it goes like this:

 

*chorus*

Me, Myself and I is all I got in the end is what I found out

And there ain't no need to cry

I took a vow cause from now on I'mma be my own best friend

 

*bridge*

Now there's just me, myself and I

I know that I will never dissapoint myself

I have cried a thousand times

So many bad times spent with you

But I'm about to make it through

You hurt me but I learned a lot along the way

And after all the rain, the sun will come out again

 

Ironic for me, because it's a story from a woman who has been cheated on perspective but it helps. By the way, I also have 'I will survive' in my cd case!

[Mr Spock]

That's so funny Nub!! I myself downloaded some songs I could crank up when I was feeling blue-hands clean, by alanis morissette being one, extraordinary by liz phair, look who's crying now by some girl I don't know, LOTS of Tori Amos-etc etc.

 

And I'm more of an AC DC girl-but cleaning my house with these blasting helps remind me that I'm GREAT and any man should be lucky I bother with him, even if I don't feel that way all the time.

[MidNiteAgl]

I wanted to thank you for all of your advice on here. If it weren't for you and a few others I wouldn't have had the courage to end my relationship with MM. So, Thank you

[Mr Spock]

The reason I am happy for you Midnight is because you can't heal your heart with a festering wound picking away at it-I am not saying that there is no chance of love when two people meet, married or no as some times the love dies (wish I could remember one man's post about it) but if he has no intention of doing the honourable thing and leaving his wife it's time to put a stop to it. And if YOU have no intention of leaving your husband, it needs to stop as neither one will be able to fully be in the relationship.

 

I think you need to rid yourself of all the men in your life it seems-anyone who needs "bailing out of jail" is a loser....

[EnigmaXOXO]

Okay...I'm a little embarrassed to admit it...but when my fifteen-year marriage ended I detoxed for five months on Sheryl Crow and Alanis Morrisette.

 

I felt sorry for the other drivers and my co-workers because I was ready to whoop some ayas by the time I finished the morning commute. Thank G-d my cubical had padded walls. Then again, I think they issue padded cells to all government workers for a reason!

 

Get out with some good friends ladies, and share a few laughs. Believe me, this too shall pass…

[MidNiteAgl]

I posted a reply to your above comments in the thread Can you be friend w/MM after it's over? Maybe that will sum it up. Thanks