A thread about snooping - building or breaking trust?

[ScienceGal]

I know people that have shared email/social media accounts, though I have never asked them why. I sometimes wonder if it's a trust issue of one or both people in the relationship, and by sharing an account it's all out in the open and they don't have to snoop. A shared account is not the remedy for trust issues though, especially if there are legitimate reasons why there is a lack of trust. If one person wants to commit some sort of indecent act, they would simply open a secret account or find other means to do what they want to do. So, in my opinion, shared accounts are a sense of false security. Or, it's just one of the two people accessing and running the account, with the other being flat out disinterested in the email/social media account.

 

I think of my email and social media accounts and about what I am hiding that my significant other may not like. The answer is, nothing. There aren't any secret messages or photos. There is literally nothing that could be seen as questionable. I am at a point in my life where I immediately diffuse any situation that has the potential to cause me or my partner grief. It's just not worth it. I know the type of relationship I want, so I'm doing my 50%. I am not on a high horse here, but I do get frustrated when I feel like there aren't many men that can offer me the same thing. I hear about so many breaches of trust in relationships, both in my personal life and on LS (and not gender specific). It makes me upset and it causes a churning of acid anxiety in my stomach. I don't want to believe that my boyfriend is hiding something awful, so I look, I snoop.

 

I have snooped on pretty much every man I've ever dated, mainly their emails and text messages. I feel awful while I am doing it, and for a while after. It's clearly a dilemma, because if I find something what do I do? I'm stuck with either hiding it (and letting it weigh on me), or bringing it up and risking a fight and possible separation. But, don't I have a right to know? And just to clarify, I'm not talking about porn, or old love letters and photos. I am talking about the inappropriate personal interaction with other people during the relationship. Maybe it's sexy photos to or from an ex, or a loving email/text to a woman I've never heard of, or a message in which they confide that they're lying/cheating. There are times I've found nothing and it was a huge weight off my shoulders, it validated that I could trust. But there have been times when I've found horrible things and they eat away at me. Eventually the relationship erodes because I can't go back to where I was before I found out whatever it was that I found out. And, to be fair, in the past I've been the wrong-doer who has been snooped on as well.

 

I want to make it clear that I am not proud of snooping, but I am also not in the business of blind trust, not after all I've seen. I am open to letting my partner view any of my accounts if he wanted to. I don't think snooping should even have to happen if both people are open and honest. Also, I believe everyone has the right to personal privacy in terms of journals, posting on forums, talking with close platonic friends, or any other type of appropriate outlet. I don't need or care to know everything that goes on, just what has the potential to negatively affect me.

 

What does trust mean and how bad is it to snoop in order to reinforce trust? Are you hiding something from your current partner or have you in the past? Are you a serial snooper? Would you allow your partner to access your email/social media accounts if they asked you? How would you feel if they didn't ask you and looked anyway?

 

Happy Friday, LS

Edited June 8, 2012 by ScienceGal

[zengirl]

I've never snooped, nor really felt the need to snoop. If I didn't trust someone, I typically confronted them, and I'm pretty good at seeing when someone is lying.

 

Typically, joint social media accounts tend to be personal (not business or branding in nature -- and hubby and I both use our Twitter, etc, for business too, personal brands and all that) and familial. Generally one person maintains it all most of the time, etc. That said, when you're married, IME and from talking to others, you know all the passcodes for each others' stuff typically. I never read Hubby's emails, though I suppose I could. I've logged on to his work email for him or such before, when he asked, and needed something he couldn't access from somewhere else. I've answered his cell for him. Etc, etc. Such things happen when you live together, are married, etc, etc. But it has nothing to do with "trust" really. I would trust my husband anyway and I've never gone through his phone to see what he was up to. Never would.

 

I suppose I'd let my husband see any of my stuff, and he knows my passcodes, so he could snoop. I'd be saddened if he felt the need to snoop or if he even asked to see something because of a trust issue --- that could easily ruin our marriage much more readily than bad behavior on either of our parts. Not being trusted would be a dealbreaker for me, as would not trusting my partner. To me, the needing to snoop is a sign of either someone who is not ready for a relationship or a bad relationship dynamic. Or perhaps both. I'm also not into the idea that someone else needs to pay for the sins of my past relationship partners or that I should pay for the sins of theirs.

 

It's not that I have any secrecy. Hubby can see anything he wishes, and we often ask questions about what each other is doing --- heck, half the time our email is up on the TV screen because our main computer links to the living room TV (so we can download stuff and watch it, etc). I think secrecy is also bad, but needing transparency out of insecurity is strange to me. Transparency just sort of happens as you grow together.

[Oxy Moronovich]

 

I have snooped on pretty much every man I've ever dated, mainly their emails and text messages. I feel awful while I am doing it, and for a while after. It's clearly a dilemma, because if I find something what do I do? I'm stuck with either hiding it (and letting it weigh on me), or bringing it up and risking a fight and possible separation. But, don't I have a right to know? And just to clarify, I'm not talking about porn, or old love letters and photos. I am talking about the inappropriate personal interaction with other people during the relationship. Maybe it's sexy photos to or from an ex, or a loving email/text to a woman I've never heard of, or a message in which they confide that they're lying/cheating. There are times I've found nothing and it was a huge weight off my shoulders, it validated that I could trust. But there have been times when I've found horrible things and they eat away at me. Eventually the relationship erodes because I can't go back to where I was before I found out whatever it was that I found out. And, to be fair, in the past I've been the wrong-doer who has been snooped on as well.

This is the reason why my phone and computer are password protected. When will dudes learn the vast majority of women will snoop, one way or the other? If a woman snoops and doesn't find anything, she'll feel bad, but not bad enough she'll never do it again. She'll snoop until she finds something to argue about. And when she finds something worth arguing about, she won't feel guilty for snooping.

 

Fellas, always keep your stuff hidden. Screw all that, "we love each other and we don't keep secrets ****". Everyone has things hidden: secret thoughts, secret desires, etc. If we told it to other people, they wouldn't understand. Your privacy is important. Don't get into anything serious with a chick who feels the need to snoop.

[shayla]

I am not willing to become an unpaid CSI. If I have to snoop, it's because something isn't right. If I cannot trust a man, then I don't want him.

[ScienceGal]

This is the reason why my phone and computer are password protected. When will dudes learn the vast majority of women will snoop, one way or the other? If a woman snoops and doesn't find anything, she'll feel bad, but not bad enough she'll never do it again. She'll snoop until she finds something to argue about. And when she finds something worth arguing about, she won't feel guilty for snooping.

 

Fellas, always keep your stuff hidden. Screw all that, "we love each other and we don't keep secrets ****". Everyone has things hidden: secret thoughts, secret desires, etc. If we told it to other people, they wouldn't understand. Your privacy is important. Don't get into anything serious with a chick who feels the need to snoop.

 

I understand your point of view and why you're irritated/upset with this topic. Of course everyone has secret thoughts and desires, which is why I'd never read a diary or eavesdrop on a phone call with a friend. That's none of my business. But, it's not ok to act on desires if it means cheating on a partner.

 

Also, in the long run, I would never justify snooping. Even when things are found, it usually means the signs were there but weren't fully accepted/realized.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Straight up, I would snoop with any guy.

 

I don't trust anyone and sadly, my trust was broken so many times that it's one of my major issues. I told my ex that if I felt he was lying to me, I would not hesitate to snoop. He didn't like it.

 

In an effort to make our relationship work, he removed all pass codes from his laptop and phone. I, on the other hand left mine and refused to remove them. I liked to post on LS and e-mail with FEMALE friends about our relationship problems in private. He never quite believed this - yet I felt I was entitled to this privacy.

 

The worst part of this was - whenever I snooped, I never found anything. I felt bad all the time, yet still felt something was "off". The worst I found was him confiding in his male friend how our relationship is very turbulent and he feels uneasy.

 

But here is the catch. A month or so before the end, I finally found something. He had secret e-mail accounts that he hid from me. He also deleted all suss items from his internet browsing history every single day. He also deleted all flirty messages from females as soon as he received them - as well as his responses. He was doing this for our entire relationship - while wanting to appear that he had nothing to hide

 

He was smart, but my instincts were spot on. Our whole relationship was pretty much a cat and mouse game of outsmarting each other - while living together.

 

It still makes my head spin. I am not sure that I will ever be able to trust a guy at all. I have no idea. I like to think that if my instincts told me that nothing was off, I would feel no need to snoop. I don't know if this is true though

[ScienceGal]

Ugh. How horrible for you. It seems we are in a similar situation.

 

I go into each relationship carefree, but once I get attached and the reality of being hurt sets in, things change. I notice things that I didn't pay much attention to before. And I'm not saying I'm nitpicking or making things up, I literally just didn't allow myself to fully see and analyze things in the beginning. But then I realize that time is passing and I need to make sure I am getting into a good relationship.

 

I don't want to snoop, I really don't, but I'd rather find out now that he is lying rather than later.

[darkmoon]

fess up sisters - our intuition (radarsnoop) is very very efficient

well, mine is, if i'd just listen!

[serial muse]

Ugh, it's so hard. I never used to snoop. Then I was in a relationship where I was being seriously gaslighted (my exH)...I still didn't snoop, despite the fact that it was obvious that things were not OK, in so many different ways. But outright asking was getting me nowhere, and I honestly felt like I was going insane, just hoping that he would want to talk to me at some point.

 

So after months of this, I did it. I snooped in his phone, found out about the affair, left him, all within a weekend.

 

I think I did the right thing...in that case.

 

But the trouble then becomes the change in mindset. Because I absolutely DON'T think it's the right thing to do in most cases. And it's very hard, once it's been demonstrated that snooping can help free oneself from a toxic situation, not to just zoom right to it as the solution to uncertainty in a relationship.

 

I've struggled with the urge to snoop, every time something happens that I'm worried about, in every relationship since, although I had never done it before. It's a little like craving a drug. And equally bad for me.

 

I think it helps to be aware that it is a kind of craving, and that the act of snooping almost always provides only a temporary jolt of calm followed by a desire for more.

 

One can never achieve full certainty about what's going through another person's mind - that's both the attraction and the terror of relationships. If the person is right for you, however, I think s/he would be sensitive to that, and be willing to share feelings openly rather than brushing aside the need for information and reassurance. That's a red flag in any relationship, even if there's nothing nefarious going on.

[shayla]

the gut tells you long before you find hard evidence. I learned that the hard way. I have gone for months with my gut absolutely churning, and me not taking it seriously. Then when I'm blown out of the water, I ask myself, damn why didn't I trust me? Why didn't I listen to me? From then on, when my gut tells me something, I listen. It has never been wrong.

[zengirl]

So after months of this, I did it. I snooped in his phone, found out about the affair, left him, all within a weekend.

 

I think I did the right thing...in that case.

 

If you were married and really had that feeling for months, I can see snooping instead of outright leaving. Before marriage, I don't see why you'd stay with anyone who gave you that 'feeling' -- whether you found evidence when you snooped or not. That feeling is bad! Why endure it? Why not find someone who you can feel sure of? After you're already 'till death do us part' committed, I see needing to really KNOW before getting out. Every story I've ever heard that was like this one --- where that feeling was there and persisted in a marriage --- has been a marriage that ended, though.

[verhrzn]

I think you shouldn't snoop unless you have other evidence that suggests something is wrong. I've snooped in the past; for the most part, though, I'd caution against it... sometimes you really can just make you more paranoid. And it makes you look crazier, if they catch you.

 

Like this, for example.

Edited June 8, 2012 by verhrzn

[d'Arthez]

I am well aware of how cruel doubts can be (see my Molière quote). For me there is definitely room to negotiate this. I certainly would not want those doubts to last forever, since building trust and emotional intimacy in a relationship are key.

 

I operate on the basis of trust. Once that is lost however, it is virtually impossible to win it back. That is a combination of intuition and reason. If people have trust issues, I'd rather have them being honest about it, rather than spending copious amount of emotional energy on "figuring out" if I am honest or not. That is not healthy for the relationship either.

 

People with trust issues operate on the basis of distrust. Past experiences often shape future expectations, and with that outcomes. This is even true with the selection of one's friends and romantic partners. We look for certain characteristics in people and some of the characteristics we look for are undoubtedly related to "bad behaviors" (based on prior experience). They then proceed to struggle to make out what is real from fiction - when the writing was actually on the wall when they selected the friend / romantic partner in the first place.

 

I don't even believe snooping is the most efficient way of finding out if a person is hiding something. Sometimes truth is simply that what we are desperate to deny.

[FitChick]

Unless you are married, there is no reason to know each others passwords. I don't snoop because I don't need to. My intuition is almost always right. When I act contrary to my intuition, I pay the price. When I need to confirm my intuition, I have a very good psychic. Worth the money! PM me if you want her name. She works over the phone if you are not local.

[threebyfate]

Gut has yet to fail me. When something inside of you is screaming there's something wrong, trust it.

 

As far as snooping, did it once with the ex-husband. He's an ex-husband for good reason!

[Oxy Moronovich]

Gut has yet to fail me. When something inside of you is screaming there's something wrong, trust it.

 

As far as snooping, did it once with the ex-husband. He's an ex-husband for good reason!

Yer gut obviously failed you if you married the guy in the first place.

[wildgeese]

I've snooped. But it wasn't for a lack of a trust or because I felt something was "off"...it was because I wanted to see what he bought me for Christmas and I knew there'd be an e-receipt in his email account. I have a total problem with wanting to know things like that. But did I dig further and look for other stuff or even feel like it? Nah, not really. I'm just a selfish present-hungry kind of snoop. I'm not proud!

[SerCay]

I never snooped, or will snoop.. it's not in my nature..

 

On the other hand however, I do sense when something is wrong. You sense and see it when a person is being overly secretive over his/her (eg) phone. It's usually obvious to see.

 

When your SO is doing something wrong, it will eventually come to day light. Either you will accidentally see something, or your gut will scream that something's off the hook. This is what you should work with. I wouldn't trouble myself to go through someone's personal stuff only to hear later how I didn't respect theiur privacy. Which is true.

 

Like I said, I always trust my gut feeling and ask about it when I see something that I don't like.

 

An example from my own life I can give you:

 

I had beenwith my ex bf for 1.5 years when I had to make a phone call with his phone. For the first time in those years, I asked him his phone, he unlocked it and I dialed the number. After hanging up I saw that 3 girls I never had heard of had called him the night before. I asked him about them because I knew his best female friends, he told me about, these girls I had never heard of in all that time. He got defensive with me...THAT'S when I felt something was wrong..and from there on it all went downwards as I opened my eyes and started noticing his shady behaviour over his phone.

 

See where I'm getting at? Like somebody said earlier in this threat, if openness and transparancy doesn't come automatically, the relationship isn't a healthy one anyways :)

 

So ladies, save yourself the blame, misery and head aches. Enjoy your relationships. Just never ignore your gut feelings or what you've seen with your own eyes:cool:

[threebyfate]

Yer gut obviously failed you if you married the guy in the first place.

Are you Little Prince? You certainly post like him if not.

 

I didn't like him to begin with where he pursued me for 2 years, getting into my social group, being places he knew I would be. After 2 years, he convinced me he was genuine so I agreed to go out with him.

 

It wasn't my gut instinct that was off. I rationalized its warning away.

[serial muse]

On the other hand however, I do sense when something is wrong. You sense and see it when a person is being overly secretive over his/her (eg) phone. It's usually obvious to see.

 

When your SO is doing something wrong, it will eventually come to day light. Either you will accidentally see something, or your gut will scream that something's off the hook. This is what you should work with. I wouldn't trouble myself to go through someone's personal stuff only to hear later how I didn't respect theiur privacy. Which is true.

 

Like I said, I always trust my gut feeling and ask about it when I see something that I don't like.

 

An example from my own life I can give you:

 

I had beenwith my ex bf for 1.5 years when I had to make a phone call with his phone. For the first time in those years, I asked him his phone, he unlocked it and I dialed the number. After hanging up I saw that 3 girls I never had heard of had called him the night before. I asked him about them because I knew his best female friends, he told me about, these girls I had never heard of in all that time. He got defensive with me...THAT'S when I felt something was wrong..and from there on it all went downwards as I opened my eyes and started noticing his shady behaviour over his phone.

 

See where I'm getting at? Like somebody said earlier in this threat, if openness and transparancy doesn't come automatically, the relationship isn't a healthy one anyways :)

 

So ladies, save yourself the blame, misery and head aches. Enjoy your relationships. Just never ignore your gut feelings or what you've seen with your own eyes:cool:

 

Yeah...as zengirl said earlier, I think that marriage does make a difference - at least, it did to me. One wants to be mature, to accept that people are allowed to have their private spaces and their benign secrets and their anxieties and that you don't have to be all up in their business.

 

Life happens - work anxiety, family anxiety, friend anxiety. When you're with someone for a very long time, and expect to be with them for a lifetime, there are so many things -- all reasonable things, not dealbreakers -- that pop up to cause emotional distance at different times. Your gut can be pinging that something's wrong - but what is wrong is the question. How do you know if it's divorce-worthy? In my case, my exH explained things away based on work drama that he was going through. I didn't honestly know what to believe. It was possible that work was all it is, certainly, although yes, I felt that there was more. But how do you ask for a divorce from someone who is going through bad crap at work, because you think there's more he's not telling you? Long-term relationships can have so many rough spots and bad patches, as well as the good times. How do you know whether you should stick it out and just be patient?

 

You see what I mean? It's a really awful place to be. And so I disagree - sometimes I really do think there's a good reason to snoop. I don't regret at all that I did, that first time.

 

It's the future snoops that I regret - the ones borne both of my lingering paranoia and the lingering freeing effect of that first one, brief, intense burst of relief when I finally understood what was going on, and finally knew exactly what to do. That's the feeling that I think people crave, when they are tempted to snoop.

Edited June 8, 2012 by serial muse

[wordrock]

This is just general advice on snooping:

 

Don't go down that route if you can help it. Only pursue it if you'll think you'll find something and want to confront them about it/break up with them. Don't do it if it's just to allay your fears. Otherwise it creates a host of problems on its own... such as the other person turning the table on you and doing the same. You might be completely devoted and feel like you have nothing to hide... but it will hurt you all the same to have that person drop doubts on you... and you'll feel like fool if you were wrong. Causes all kinds of problems.

[RedRobin]

I've never snooped. I really don't have the time or energy for it.

 

Besides, you can't possibly babysit someone 24 hours a day. If you can't trust them, then end it.