Pistol pete Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 Hi all, I was just wondering people's opinions on why ex's behave in certain ways. A broad question I know, but bear with me. Long long story cut as short as possible.. With ex for 1.5 years, broke up last May when she went to work abroad for 6 months, claiming she loved me but not 'enough' and that we were too different. I went nc instantly.. within a month I start getting the fishing messages/texts etc... and by 5 weeks she was saying how much of a mistake she made, she wanted to be with me and never even considered us to be 'apart'. I decided it was worth another shot, so I agreed to meet her when she came back home. We were then together again for another 8 months, started off great, going out and doing stuff and had great times. But things again became stagnant, we would often just hang out at eachother's houses, instead of being proactive... This is mainly due to her not having any money (she gave up her job 2 years ago to become a 'star', and now works in a call centre 2 days a week and sings in pubs once a month).. So I never really offered ideas because I knew she couldn't afford it. Also I stopped going out and doing my own thing because I was devoting all my time to her and seeing her friday to sunday night almost every weekend. When she broke up with me, it was almost word for word the same as last time and apparently she regretted that, which leads me to believe her getting back together with me again was just out of loneliness... no matter how much she tried to convince me otherwise, that I was the best thing that ever happened to her etc. I should also add she does have problems emotionally and takes medication for her moods. Since this 2nd break up, again, I've been nc for 2 solid weeks until last night she suddenly she messages me on facebook. Here is the conversation.her:how are u? me: im ok thanks, u? her: im ok! her:sorry, prob shouldnt have said hi! keep stopping myself but didnt think tonight me:it's the effect i have, it cant be helped her: hehe! her:i need to go! bye! me:c ya 10 Mins later... her: hey (my name)! Im going to unfriend you for the moment! Im finding it too hard and upsetting and i always hurt myself looking at ur page! I hope that in some time i can friend you again on here if u want to re-add me. me: ok, if thats what you want her: sorry! i just end up crying everytime i come on here and need to cut myself off! im soo sorry! me: do whatever you need to do her: thank u her: bye me: bye I now almost feel like it was me who broke up with her. She seems to be a wreck checking my stuff all the time and crying. Whereas, I have shed no tears, not trying to be manly cos believe me I did the last time we broke up. I just wonder why they do this? Why not just do it, why have to make all this drama. Why does it now seem I'm the one holding it together, while she has fallen apart. My mate is convinced that she will come crawling back by July, like last time, such is my belief that she won't, I've bet him a full steak dinner. Looks like I will be eating well next month The funny thing is that I'd already blocked everything on my FB from her anyway, so really what she can/can't see is no different.
Philosoraptor Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 Sounds like she is both guilty and confused. If she does come back what is there to make you believe she won't just up and leave again.
carhill Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 (edited) Question: Why do ex'es behave like this? Your response: "I should also add she does have problems emotionally and takes medication for her moods." Generally for the same reasons/impetuses that they behaved as they did in the relationship. People often 'hide', through cognition of approved social behavior, their emotional truth (stability) during courtship, essentially 'putting their best foot forward'. Ex'es don't always behave like this. You happened to have one who did/does. I've had three LTR's and was married for a decade and never experienced that kind of dynamic in or after those relationships. I have experienced it with a few women I dated and some female friends. The quoted response you gave was a commonality with all of those latter experiences. Edited June 8, 2012 by carhill
Author Pistol pete Posted June 8, 2012 Author Posted June 8, 2012 I just wondered because the ex I had before her was quite similar and used to pull the same kind of stuff after the break up. In the end it felt more like it was me who broke up with her.. when I got with my ex, my ex ex (this is confusing) found out and started the bunny boiler routine and made out that me moving on was the worst thing that ever happened to her and begged me to take her back. Obviously I had moved on by then, but acted with dignity towards her. I'm not saying all exs are like it, it just seems that I attract a certain type.. probably because I met both online.
carhill Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 IME, the key is to exit at the first choking canary, meaning the first sign of instability. I define instability as unexpected and unusual responses to typical events/interactions. An example would be me saying the sky was certainly a beautiful blue today and getting an emotional and negative response in return. (actual example) Next
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