im falling for a guy whos inlove with his ex still....but i just found this out......

[almostthere]

Ok...so the soap opera continues....lol. if you read my post about the 3 month itch thing you know the background. i talked to my boyfriend the other day about the way i was feeling. i told him i ddnt think he was attracted to me. he told me he was blah blah blah. we still went to sleep without sex. but he made it up the next day...finally first time with him in 2 weeks. during our talk he kept saying stuff about his ex. they got together here then she had to move back to china so he flew out there married her and visited her 2 times in a year and half. so surprise surprise she met up with an ex of hers in china and cheated and divorced him. so hes all broken up about it. basically during our talk i told him i dont know where i fit in. i didnt tell him this but im falling in love with a guy who is still inlove with his exwife. he told me that she was "perfect" that they had sex 4 times a day ummm....lets see i heard from his friend that they had a great relationship. then my boyfriend told me that having sex with me made him feel "guilty". and he tells me everything i do wrong to him but nothing i do right with him. i dont cuddle up at night good enough, i dont call him throughout the day to say hi, i dont call him when im out with my friends, i get along too well with his friends, want sex too often...then i dont want sex enough. but yet all inall he is still falling for me. he's really a great guy. the best guy ive dated in the two years ive been single and id hate to break up because of this but i feel like the third wheel here. hes inlove with someone an ocean away and that girls inlove with someone else. then theres me. who cant do much right because i think im being compared to his ex. the first time we slept together he cried after i left because he didnt feel right. im the first for him since her. she moved away about a year and a half ago i think so he hadnt gotten any in almost that whole time. none of this feels right anymore. but being with him feels so good to me. what do i do? im usually good at figuring this out...but im at a loss this time. and to be completely honest i dont think the exwife timeline matches up well with the first story he told me because i thought all that took place a while ago and it seems like they have been talking until he met me. he told me he just put the paperwork through to finalize it 2 days before he met me. and he stopped writing to her around that time too. but i didnt know any of this til the other day. so im the rebound girl. originally it sounds like they have been split up since nov. before i thought he said it was even longer then that...but then it was nov...without communication...then i find out its been since jan of 04 and now i find out it could be longer??? i just got there in april. what 4 months later. none of this is sitting well with me.

[CurlyIam]

It all depends if he's still inlove with her. Do not think that only because you are the next girl you're relationshipwith him is sacrificed. It is up to both of you to make it work - him, to get over the fact that she'll never come backand that he has to move on and you - to confront you fears, your jealousy, your insecurities regarding her and to trust him.

 

 

Why amI saying this? Something a bit similar here: I came to PAris in October - had decided to have a LDR with him this year. He visited me on December. I was on the point of telling him not to come, it was obviously not working. Anyway, he did come, we spent the holidays, he left. I was so... sick of this situation, yet I think the world of him. I met this new guy in... late January. No date, no kiss, I simply liked him. One month later he calls me for a date (and a horrible one if I mayadd ), one month and a half later I end the relationship with my ex.

 

I did not end it with my ex because of the distance or because of my current bf. It was just not working. For a long time. I only found the courage to say it out loud almost 5 months later!

 

 

The first time I made love to my bf, it felt wrong too. But it was normal: I had been sleeping for the past four years with the same man. It was different. Of course I did not find the familiarity, the old feelings of security, when touching another body. I almost broke into tears. I didn't even quite like it, to be honest . It was the desire that puzzled me... I was feeling desire!

 

It was part of moving on. My bf does not know that my ex and I split after our first date... He'd be quite insecure about it! That I do not want.

 

I can handle it. There were times when it was so hard for me. I had once one day where I was convinced I had to go back to my ex - who by the way, made it clear he wanted me back. I got over the urge. And what do you know, it was after 4 months also...

 

Don't suspect he's inlove with her! She played a big role in his life. She can't just be out! But if he decides to move on with his life, if indeed he had let go and is not inlove with his ex, than you can make it work!

 

 

 

I did, and my bf... Jeez, I swear sometimes he is utterly impossible! I am the living example of "yes, it can work".

 

See how he takes it and if he's telling you he wants you two to stay together, I say you risk it all! You may strike gold!

[almostthere]

Thanks for the advice. Last night after i posted that i went over there. I started talking about cameras and he pulled out his camcorder and was playing the video on it for me. he didnt know what was on there but it ended up being the trip to the zoo with her and her family in china. then the other tape was pics of their wedding. we watched it....fun i got to see how happy he was with her. its not that im jealous. its that i am starting to fall for him and considering they just broke up if she comes back...im out of it. without a thought. and then just to top it off....he got a new job 3 weeks ago. she tracked down his email address and sent him something like hi...hows the new job going. he replied for someone who doesnt care about me you sure found a way to track me down. that was yesterday while he was at work. and supposedly they werent on speaking terms. she didnt want anything to do with him. i dont know. i do care about him a great deal. but not enough to be able to say later on..oh its ok if you go back to her when that moment happens. its early enough to go without being that broken up about it now and find someone that makes me feel a little more secure in his feelings about me. and doesnt carry so much emotional baggage around. so dont be surprised if im posting here next week saying i ended it.....i dont put myself into these situations on purpose and when i find this is lurking in my relationship im gone.

[CurlyIam]

You're the only one who knows if he's worth the trouble. An ex wife, recent break up, this is a lot of emotional bagage, I have to agree. See how he handles it and do only what you think is best for you!

 

Curly

[mugirl213]

I'm in a very similar situation...here's my timeline...

 

Last July my bf was supposed to move in with his gf of 3 years...she decided to end it at the last minute and canceled on living with him, ended their relationship and it was discovered she was with someone else.

 

In January of this year, we meet and start hangng out...we've been together and inseparable since.

 

Sometimes I get the feeling I'm his rebound, though he assures me I'm not. I'm a very jealous girl (something I"m working on...see my posts) and when he talks about her...to me it's a feeling of sadness that he's thinking of her and not me. But after our most recent fight on Friday night, he told me basically that it's not that he's lamenting her really...it's more that they spent 3 years together and did everything together...so it's like him telling stories about his best friend. It helped me feel a lot better. I'm not sure if you're in a similar situation or not...but I know for sure that I feel like you. I didn't want to put my heart in harms way...but he's just as afraid of getting it broken as I am. Maybe your guy is too?