Exclusive Relationship - so why is she is still involved with the Ex?

[Emilia]

I guess the fact her facebook account still has photos of her and another ex boyfriend 3 years prior to this guy just adds to her forgiving and non-fighting spirit. Its not like shes hiding anything; shes just a little too open and unresentful perhaps. I cant tell what is worse - seeing it all and knowing the lot; or not knowing about past history.

 

I can tell you one thing - all exes of mine have photos and comments removed and de-friended to spare future partners seeing and getting jealous/digging around too much into something that is no longer there.

 

I have exes on fb and have photos with them still (I think, can't be bothered to check) and I don't hold grudges. However, that's very different from putting up with abuse for years and being friends after to see some frikken cat! She is weak and accustomed to being abused, unless this is something you feel comfortable with, you should walk.

 

Nothing good ever comes from the inability to draw healthy boundaries

[danm]

Thankyou so much for the additional outlook guys - I really do appreciate this.

 

Whilst I do see where you are all coming from with the 'leave her, move on, shes damaged goods' approach, I just am not that sort of person to just give up so readily and expect to find someone else pre-packaged and factory ready. The world doesn't work that way.

 

Giving up would be far too easy.

 

This girl has had a LOT of bad luck. And I mean a LOT. More on top of what I have said here. Sure, it is no excuse, but factors in life make us who we are. I still feel she deserves a chance to make good of the bad things she's been through elsewhere; and certainly shouldn't be punished ever more for them, least not by me.

 

Sure, maybe I have a lot to take on. And maybe its not my job to fix her. Perhaps I cant fix her. Perhaps she never will be fixed? Perhaps I am even more of an idiot in thinking I can go somewhere with it?

 

I simply enjoy spending my time with her than to just let it go to nothing, and that is enough of a reason to pursue this.

 

But its a chance I am willing to take, even if a lot of you tell me I'll get stung and hurt. Nobody knows anything for sure.

 

She's been very open about all of this and his involvement and contact. As such, I do feel that when I do tell her I am uncomfortable and have doubts of a healthy future with her as long as he is still frame, she will give me her honest response.

 

If she says she can't/won't stop him from being there, then I truly will have to reach deep down and tell her it is over for us. And that will be that.

 

The cat is not an excuse for him to be able to call and see her when he demands. Cats live for 16 years. Am I to expect this tie to happen for that long? I think not.

 

She is also still paying the finance for a car he still has and drives from the past relationship that she took in her name as he was financially a bum. Another tie that ends in a few months when the car is paid for. She doesn't want the car, and has just paid it off silently to keep him from kicking up a fuss. This is the lengths she will go to 'for a quiet life'.

 

But I do agree - he has to be gone entirely for this to work.

 

Would it be acceptable to ask her to simply cease all communication immediately via txt/phone/visiting the cat? Or is that too much to ask?

 

I don't want to fall into the possessive paranoid boyfriend type, but this will definitely be an issue that will never go away unless he literally does.

 

She has no need to keep in contact. Even if it is 'to be on nice terms' I am not happy with that. It is more than the cat, the cat is an easy ticket for him to worm his way back, and I fear that is his intentions.

 

She is very naive. Seriously naive.

 

For someone she described as 'poisonous' and 'spiteful' to me, I would have thought she'd avoid him entirely like the plague.

 

Perhaps I should ask to be there next time he visits, and make that the last visit he is allowed to make. He can physically see her with someone else; and then we can see what the behaviour is like. Or is that asking for trouble?

Edited June 27, 2012 by danm

[Emilia]

 

Perhaps I should ask to be there next time he visits, and make that the last visit he is allowed to make. He can physically see her with someone else; and then we can see what the behaviour is like. Or is that asking for trouble?

 

Are you going to behave as if you were her father now? Wouldn't you prefer a relationship with someone who can behave in a way that is expected of an adult?

 

I think wanting a quiet life (certainly sympathise with that) is very different from being a pushover. I suppose I struggle to understand how you can have respect for her.

[Leigh 87]

Hey man... I know it is not always as simple as just " dumping" them.................. To us, a person can be great to be around and make us generally happy. It is hard to just end things, when you know a whole lot more about the girl than we do.

 

As long as you know that it is NOT your job to change her. Tell her this! Tell her she NEEDS to enact change; she has to WANT to change, and she has to BELIEVE she has reasons to change.

Ask her " It cannot feel good to have low self esteem and have to see a guy who abused you... I want you to want to get help to find out WHY you do these things, but if you do not see anything wrong with what your doing, I cannot be with a damaged person, it is not fair to me"

 

Look, she may very well be into you. Every one on here tends to say " yeh, shes not into you mate, dump her" but come on, it is normally more complex than that!

Plenty of people can be INTO you, yet be UNhealthy people! A peson can be INTO you, yet be a total retard when it comes to relatinships!

 

I would lay down the rules, tell her you will not put up with certain things, and if she agrees to cut contact and only let him see the cat as LITTLE AS POSSIBLE - I would give her a chance, if she makes you really happy.

 

IF she stops talking to him! If she continues to talk to him, just tell her " how DIFFICULT is it to understand! NO talking to your ex!!!!!!!1 There is NO FORCE that is MAKING you do it. I AM NOT okay with it, if you care about me you will put ME first, before you abusive ex".

 

I WOULD try to give her a chance and everthing - I am all about giving chances, MY boyfriend has given me plenty; but if she refuses to ceace contact with the ex - there is NOTHING you can do.

Leave her then. GIVE her some time to change if she says she truly wants to, but do not wait around forever.

[danm]

Thanks Leigh. That was probably the most insightful post of the lot so far, thankyou!

 

It's nice to see someone not pulling the easy ejector seat straight away.

 

Chances are there to take. Nothing in life comes that easily.

 

But you are right. I need to be put above this guy 100%. If he was THAT bad to her, she would realise herself she doesn't need/have/want to see him and shouldn't any more or feel she owes it to let him.

 

If she fails to accept or see that in her own eyes, you are right in that she is too fragile and damaged and I am better of departing now for my own pain and sanity.

 

If I ask her to stop seeing him, and she says no, it will be because she is choosing to see him. She is either still fully attached; or deluded and under his control. I'll never be able to rid that.

 

If she agrees to not see him, it will be her making a breakthrough choice by choosing the power herself; and also because she is listening to me over his demands. Only then can I move on with her.

 

The seeing him isnt often to be fair. It's the recent txt messaging and daily contact I am concerned by. It's as if he suddenly saw she's off the market and became interested in what he couldn't have.

 

She clearly replies and choose to, as he keeps sending them. So thats her in the wrong for encouraging it when she could simply not reply. That too must stop.

 

I'm sounding possesive aren't I?

[Emilia]

 

I'm sounding possesive aren't I?

 

You have asked a similar question in every one of your posts!

[danm]

I know! Sorry...

 

It's difficult to suss out exactly the border where being possessive and knowing what you deserve in terms of basic respect sits.

 

Fine line!

 

Made worse when situations are fragile.

 

I'm looking forward to this tonight. I will get an answer for sure, and I am optimistic!

[Emilia]

What I was trying to highlight with my comment is that you keep questioning yourself. Yes of course it's healthy that you should consider all sides but should you really feel like you are treading on eggshells? The line is fine but perhaps not in this situation. Sticking up for yourself is only right!

 

I hope you can work it out tonight.

[veggirl]

Dude the girl isn't naive, you are.

 

Good luck with your talk...........

 

only 2 mos in, this is way too much drama. Oy. No one said life or relationships are perfect, but healthy people don't invite drama into their lives (for example by dating people who are totally FKED UP like your "girlfriend" is)

[InJest]

There aren't really any more angles to discuss. OP just needs to make a decision.

 

My guess is that he'll just let it continue, since he probably thinks he can't get another girl. At least we have more threads to look forward to.

[veggirl]

There aren't really any more angles to discuss. OP just needs to make a decision.

 

My guess is that he'll just let it continue, since he probably thinks he can't get another girl. At least we have more threads to look forward to.

 

Yep. Hence my suggestion on deciding what his boundaries are. I didn't see a response to that though, which doesn't surprise me and leads me to believe exactly what you just wrote

[danm]

I have to laugh at some of the incorrect assumptions posted here that I would apprear in fear of 'not getting another girl'. That couldn't be further from the truth. So lets cast that one aside.

 

Sometimes people turn up in our lives when we are least expectant or prepared for. Sometimes we just find ourselves unable to turn away for the right reasons, because there are other stronger right reasons to stick and make something of it. That's what has happened here.

 

Talk about a double edged sword oxymoron.

 

I know pretty much all opinions here say this scenario is beyond dangerous. It is dangerous. But like every risk, I genuinely see far beyond this little problem. Even with that niggle, this girl is fantastic. With that out the way, it will only be more fulfilling and enjoyable.

 

I scraped the surface last night and sniffed about before I start laying out my boundaries at some point over the next day or two. There were no messages from the ex. Nothing.

 

I picked her up from her parents house on my way home from work where she had made us both dinner, before heading to mine for the next 4 days.

 

We spent the entire evening until late night painting the bedroom floor to ceiling to help me redecorate and sell up. To remind you, a house I still own with my ex, who we share alternate week living arrangements (week on/week off so we dont have to see eachother). How many girls would already run a mile just being TOLD that? This girl is supporting me in helping me to move on. I think that is very strong of her and only proves her mature approach and ability to look beyond the obvious.

 

As much of a messed up person you all seem to feel she is, she is extremely encouraging, positive and very understanding of my own situation. Whilst the whole boundary issue of her ex is still looming over us, I managed to get a few more bits from her as to why she stays neutrally pleasant to the ex. And to me, it makes more sense than ever.

 

He lives close. He knows where she lives with her dad. Their town is small. They have a few mixed circles of friends still, and most think the guy is 100% genuine and nice. To fall out massively with him in public would cause rifts in such small friendship circles; people bump into eachother in the evenings; their local hangouts are the same.

 

She doesn't want to live a life worrying everytime she goes out she will get into awkward situations. It's depressing to be that way, which it was months after they separated, and she said for the sake of moving on with herself, she just wants to prevent awkwardness whilst she is stuck living in the same place at home. If that means letting him see a cat infrequently, so be it. She says its annoying to her, she dislikes it, but knows his temperament isn't worth the hassle. She said at the end of the day it is just a cat. He stays for 10-15 mins and thats it. Done. Literally there for the cat and goes.

 

She wants to move away from the area entirely. Away from the ex, specifically. At present, her savings do not allow her to move out. But by next spring she knows she can. Her attitude is to persevere so her life isn't made hell. Once she can escape, she has full intentions to do so.

 

That probably changes nothing on most views here, but some people do play ball 'for a quiet life'. Take one for the team, so to speak, then the world is her oyster.

 

Whilst is does bug me of his presence, I do understand why she'd do that. I am still relatively annoyed he is able to get involved like this, but I think I have to play my hand carefully. If I express how I totally disapprove his presence and need to see a cat, she might relate my suggestive controlling of what she can and cant do as being like him. I don't want that.

 

I am thinking longer term here too. She has no long term intentions of him being involved like this, but is biding her time carefully. Perhaps I can just bite my tongue and do the same? She hates this, I hate it to. But holding anger and hate is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. She isn't a hateful person in the slightest, and isn't stupid either.

 

I am working on it slowly. As soon as he decides to send another message/asks to visit the cat, I'll raise the issue there and then about boundaries and go from there. I have doubts in that he will give her **** if she cuts him out completely. Whilst it would be better for all that way, she is still stuck in a town and house he can get to her. Whereas we could bo

 

At least now I am closer to understanding why she is grinning and bearing being nice.

 

Progress is progress.

 

EDIT: how amusing. just as I complain about her ex messaging her, mine decides to send me one, ironically, asking how our cats are (shes away on holiday at present).

Edited June 28, 2012 by danm

[Emilia]

He lives close. He knows where she lives with her dad. Their town is small. They have a few mixed circles of friends still, and most think the guy is 100% genuine and nice. To fall out massively with him in public would cause rifts in such small friendship circles; people bump into eachother in the evenings; their local hangouts are the same.

 

Excuses

 

She doesn't want to live a life worrying everytime she goes out she will get into awkward situations. It's depressing to be that way, which it was months after they separated, and she said for the sake of moving on with herself, she just wants to prevent awkwardness whilst she is stuck living in the same place at home. If that means letting him see a cat infrequently, so be it. She says its annoying to her, she dislikes it, but knows his temperament isn't worth the hassle. She said at the end of the day it is just a cat. He stays for 10-15 mins and thats it. Done. Literally there for the cat and goes.

 

Excuses

 

She wants to move away from the area entirely. Away from the ex, specifically. At present, her savings do not allow her to move out. But by next spring she knows she can. Her attitude is to persevere so her life isn't made hell. Once she can escape, she has full intentions to do so.

 

Leaving you behind?

 

If I express how I totally disapprove his presence and need to see a cat, she might relate my suggestive controlling of what she can and cant do as being like him. I don't want that.

 

I am thinking longer term here too. She has no long term intentions of him being involved like this, but is biding her time carefully. Perhaps I can just bite my tongue and do the same? She hates this, I hate it to. But holding anger and hate is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. She isn't a hateful person in the slightest, and isn't stupid either.

 

I am working on it slowly. As soon as he decides to send another message/asks to visit the cat, I'll raise the issue there and then about boundaries and go from there. I have doubts in that he will give her **** if she cuts him out completely. Whilst it would be better for all that way, she is still stuck in a town and house he can get to her. Whereas we could bo

 

.

 

Why bother posting if you don't listen anything being said to you? You are being played for a fool

[danm]

I am listening to advice and opinions here. In addition to what my own head and mind is doing. I tend to think and analyse rather than act instantly - which is often my downfall. I have a moment to possibly react sooner than I usually would here, and was seeking varied advice as behaving this way is out of the norm to me.

 

I agree, it could seem as though I am being played for a fool.

 

But the girl is VERY upfront and honest about everything that has happened in her past, present, and what she wants out of the future.

 

I too was open and honest in that I was still directly involved with my ex via the house. She really appreciated my honesty and what I wanted, and our relationship grew from there.

 

I have seen, spoke and spent a great deal of time with her in a relatively short space of time. She has had just three relationships, two relatively long term (2 years, 4 years) and one short one at uni (6 months). The darker side I mentioned earlier involved the university guy committing suicide with personal demons, nothing related to her. To say that messed her up for years is an understatement.

 

Neither of us sought to do things so quickly, but it has been very natural and easy to get on with eachother more than anyone I have known or spent time with. The cliche of it being effortless is all true, bar this one thorn with the ever present ex.

 

To suggest I am being played for a fool doesn't totally add up.

 

I mean, shes been brutally honest about ALL dodgy aspects currently conflicting her life that come between us. It was for my taking to tell her I wasn't happy with them and to walk away. I haven't, and in doing so, am partially liable to accept her and this part of her situation. She could argue why I didn't raise the issue at the start?

 

On top of that and supposedly being taken for a fool - Why would I be introduced to her family already? Both (separated parents) I have spent afternoons with, seen and eaten dinner together. I was invited as her plus one to her company summer dinner with all her bosses and work colleagues. I've met many of her closest friends already. We talk about the end of summer and taking a holiday together - she's cancelled all previous holiday dates booked with work so that she can take a holiday with me at the end of summer instead. Shes talked hypothetically about when I sell the house. What my plans are. Where I will live. How much I need to save to get somewhere on my own. Shes on the same page as I am. It isn't bunny boiler material, it is the real world. She wants to know where she stands in my future plans and if this is worth pursuing.

 

She came with my mum to the airport when I went away for a short holiday (arranged before I met her) short break with my best friend. She then spent the entire afternoon chatting with my mum back home after I'd gone.

 

Why would someone go through all of these things, only to take them for a ride and intend to ditch them? It would take a lot of courage to save her face of embarassment to all the people around her.

 

I really don't think she is taking me for a ride. She's just genuinely open, and I think for the moment, if I want her long term, I have to accept this situation and help her to phase him out by bending a little to eachothers needs.

 

She can't erase him totally right now (for said reasons).

I can't get him to vanish instantly either.

 

So we find that grey area.

 

Back to the boundaries thing. What is acceptable boundaries for you lot? Would you totally not accept the cat contact as a reason, regardless?

I think I could accept it, but slow the intensity until its rarely to the point it stops. I think outrightly stopping will make him more persistant and more of an inconvenience to us.

 

I think she fears him too.

[2sunny]

She is a product of HER choices!

 

Since she's with you - and chooses to keep in contact with him - that tells YOU something about HER choices!

 

She's not ready to have a healthy boundary. She's not WILLING to let him go completely. She's willing to HURT YOUR feelings by keeping him sniffing around. She likes "options" and "other attention"!

 

She kept YOU a SECRET from HIM for a reason! THAT tells EVERYTHING she's not gonna tell YOU!

 

There's no denying her ACTIONS - she can say she only has eyes for you all she wants - but the contradiction is in her actions of keeping this other guy in her life and not eliminating him completely.

 

With abuse in her history - IF you AREN'T abusive - that may not match up with HER SENSE OF WHAT'S NORMAL FOR HER! She may not be capable of accepting a manic he's not abusive to HER- because that's what she has been used to.

 

You can't change THAT part FOR HER!

[veggirl]

Oh this is futile.

 

Sometimes people turn up in our lives when we are least expectant or prepared for. Sometimes we just find ourselves unable to turn away for the right reasons, because there are other stronger right reasons to stick and make something of it. That's what has happened here.

 

Romantic rhetoric.

 

I know pretty much all opinions here say this scenario is beyond dangerous. It is dangerous. But like every risk, I genuinely see far beyond this little problem. Even with that niggle, this girl is fantastic. With that out the way, it will only be more fulfilling and enjoyable.

 

If it is a little problem, why even post about it?

Do you think this "little niggle" will be out of the way anytime soon? You are too scared to even bring it up to her.

 

I scraped the surface last night and sniffed about before I start laying out my boundaries at some point over the next day or two. There were no messages from the ex. Nothing.

 

OMG why are you so scared of bringing it up to her? Sniffed around, scraped the surface?! Are you 5 yrs old? You can't freaking just ASK the girl you are sooo crazy about, have suuuuch a fabulous relationship with wtf is going on and express YOUR CONCERNS to her?

 

Why can't you openly express your concerns to this girl?

 

That speaks volumes of your relationship.

 

To remind you, a house I still own with my ex, who we share alternate week living arrangements (week on/week off so we dont have to see eachother). How many girls would already run a mile just being TOLD that? This girl is supporting me in helping me to move on. I think that is very strong of her and only proves her mature approach and ability to look beyond the obvious.

 

LOL are you missing the obvious difference here on purpose? You don't see your ex. She maintains an active relationship with hers. You are getting out of your situation, she is choosing to stay in hers.

 

He lives close. He knows where she lives with her dad. Their town is small. They have a few mixed circles of friends still, and most think the guy is 100% genuine and nice. To fall out massively with him in public would cause rifts in such small friendship circles; people bump into eachother in the evenings; their local hangouts are the same.

She doesn't want to live a life worrying everytime she goes out she will get into awkward situations. It's depressing to be that way, which it was months after they separated, and she said for the sake of moving on with herself, she just wants to prevent awkwardness whilst she is stuck living in the same place at home.

 

Your girl and her friends are really immature if not being friends with an EX would create drama.

 

She said at the end of the day it is just a cat. He stays for 10-15 mins and thats it. Done. Literally there for the cat and goes.

 

If it's "just a cat" maybe she should give ex the cat. And whats the point of him visiting the cat for 10 minutes? That serves NO purpose. He could get the same experience by looking at a picture of the cat.

 

Its really weird you are so scared to be honest about your concerns with your girlfriend.

[Joaquin]

She is a product of HER choices!

 

Since she's with you - and chooses to keep in contact with him - that tells YOU something about HER choices!

 

She's not ready to have a healthy boundary. She's not WILLING to let him go completely. She's willing to HURT YOUR feelings by keeping him sniffing around. She likes "options" and "other attention"!

 

She kept YOU a SECRET from HIM for a reason! THAT tells EVERYTHING she's not gonna tell YOU!

 

There's no denying her ACTIONS - she can say she only has eyes for you all she wants - but the contradiction is in her actions of keeping this other guy in her life and not eliminating him completely.

 

With abuse in her history - IF you AREN'T abusive - that may not match up with HER SENSE OF WHAT'S NORMAL FOR HER! She may not be capable of accepting a manic he's not abusive to HER- because that's what she has been used to.

 

You can't change THAT part FOR HER!

 

Sunny, I gave you one like but I'd give you 100 for your comment if I could.

 

Op, meeting family and going through the motions of a (cough cough) relationship doesn't mean jack. It's all show.

 

She chooses him despite your feelings = your not making a heart connection with the girl. A girl that is committed to a man doesn't bat an eyelid in telling other men to f### off.

[g450]

Wow,

 

This is a classic example of somebody coming here for advice and then ignoring 90% of the good advice given because they only want to hear that their own screwed up decisions somehow make sense. See it all the time here.

 

It's very simple. You are not her BF, you are her doormat and emotional tampon while she plays games with what she really wants, her abuser. And you are enabling this by being her doormat.

 

This is going to end badly and to be honest, you only have yourself to blame.

 

I sense that you are either codependant, enjoy abuse yourself or you are one of those people who crave drama in their life. Maybe all three.

 

Im no shrink but I would ask you two very simple questions. What do you want, and what are you going to do to get it?

[2sunny]

Did she break it off with him or did he break it off wih her?

 

Either way - she is still connected to HIM way more than she is to you.

 

She may not want to be alone - that's a terrible reason to date anyone.

 

I certainly hope you don't have sex with her... But I'm sure that's YOUR agenda for having her come for the next few days.

 

 

IF she can't completely cut it off with him in EVERY way - she's really not making YOU her priority.

[Thieves]

There's nothing "mysterious" about this girl, or this situation. It is clear to most of the posters here and to myself that this girl is not ready for a new relationship so soon after leaving her abusive ex, as she is still allowing him to hang around when it is clearly causing discomfort to the both of you. All of those plans about losing the ex for good and truly being on her own? That should've been done before you two got together.

 

It doesn't matter how many positives there are to the relationship. There is still this looming cloud of an ex-boyfriend hanging above your heads, and that is no way to start a healthy relationship.

 

The facts are that you said yourself that she is naive, and it is 99% likely that this ex of hers is just putting on a nice face and taking advantage of that.

 

The plot is only 'thickening' because you're allowing it to by not talking to her ASAP about this. No day is going to be the 'right day' to do this. I understand you care for this girl, but you have also got to care for yourself. You just have to have enough courage to put your foot down about boundaries and what is okay with you, or else you will end up being chewed up and spit out in the dating world.

 

I am all for helping someone else I care about too, but that is only if they desire to help themselves, commit themselves, and are putting in the effort to improve.

 

Joaquin was right that just because she appears to be close and included with your family life and with your friends doesn't necessarily mean that everything she is doing, or the way she is acting, is okay. It's not exactly hard work. And who would deny the chance to spend time with their significant other's family and friends if they got along with them? Humans are social creatures, and spending this time in your personal life is probably an added bonus to the whole situation. Not saying she isn't being a genuine person and that it's just a show, but that it doesn't necessarily mean that it's for real yet. It's only "for real" when the ex is out of her life. Completely.

 

I commend you for not attacking her right away with an interrogation and taking some time to get know her side of things, but that's only to an extent. For all your talk about being open and honest with each other, why is it that the single biggest problem in this relationship is still being brushed under the carpet/hidden? You cannot have a healthy relationship if major things are being kept inside and if you can't talk openly about your concerns.

[danm]

Little update on this.

 

Things were going pretty well.

 

I'd plucked the balls to tell her I wasn't particularly thrilled that her and her ex are on visiting terms, but she snapped and said that really, it wasn't any of my business.

 

Well, you guys are right, it actually is.

 

I let that die down though, she clearly wasn't good for talking about it, so figured let him visit her at her dads place, see what comes of it. Well, he visited just that once, that I am aware of.

 

Until this weekend when she told me shes busy Thursday. I get a text later from her apologizing that she should have been more straight and that shes seeing HIM Thursday. The second visit that I am aware of.

 

I've been distant and so has she since the weekend. Until earlier this morning when I again plucked the courage to raise the issue, but (stupidly) wrote her a text message. I told her i was miffed at what felt like being lied to, and then telling me it felt like a confession. id never stop her doing what she wants, and that i respect her honesty in telling me etc, and im fine with it'

 

In hindsight, it was stupid. Within seconds I got a reply saying 'coming from you - you're a joke'. After that? The token 12 yr old hidden facebook relationship status and a status saying 'pots, black kettles and high horses'.

 

She is one unhappy bunny, and I think it is safe to say that I won't be digging my way out of this one, I think it has died there and then.

 

I think that is deeper than a shotgun reaction.

 

Reason why it is pot kettle black? I am still selling a house I own with my ex girlfriend; and I do still have to spend time with her decorating and getting it done for the sale.

 

I am such an idiot, and feel a bit mortified to say the least.