Exclusive Relationship - so why is she is still involved with the Ex?

[danm]

I have entered an exclusive relationship with a new partner.

 

I understand people have loose ends and whatnot, and some just cannot erase part of their past partners and life instantly/completely. I get it!

 

The ex boyfriend of my partner was awful to her. Abused her financially, physically and mentally. However, they were close for two years; rented together and got to the cusp of buying a house together before he cheated and it was over.

 

She very much dislikes him in a big, big way now for many reasons, and there is no going back. However, his family seem to still be extremely attached to her, to the point they recently invited her to come and 'stay over' for a weekend (6 months post-separation... um hello!?). She politely declined.

 

On top of that, he bought her a beautiful kitten for her birthday just before they separated, and he pops over to visit sometimes as 'he is the daddy'. She is a very open, fair and honest girl, and says as much as she hates him, she cannot stop him from seeing the cat.

 

Am I crazy to think that is slightly absurd? They haven't been together for over 6 months now. The family is still clearly upset that their son messed up, and I just think this is his way of staying in her life for whatever reason (unfinished business or intentions?). He also still has a lot of her home furnishings from their place that he kept after the separation, which she simply wrote off as they were non-personal and she preferred to just walk away (sofas, tvs, microwaves etc). Not to mention a car, which he couldnt afford, yet he has, and she is still paying finance for as she was the only one who could apply. She also just let him have that.

 

I don't want to become a jealous person, but this is a little irritating to say the least, especially how badly he treated her and is taking advantage.

 

Am I wrong to feel this way?

[goldengirl11]

I have entered an exclusive relationship with a new partner.

 

I understand people have loose ends and whatnot, and some just cannot erase part of their past partners and life instantly/completely. I get it!

 

The ex boyfriend of my partner was awful to her. Abused her financially, physically and mentally. However, they were close for two years; rented together and got to the cusp of buying a house together before he cheated and it was over.

 

She very much dislikes him in a big, big way now for many reasons, and there is no going back. However, his family seem to still be extremely attached to her, to the point they recently invited her to come and 'stay over' for a weekend (6 months post-separation... um hello!?). She politely declined.

 

On top of that, he bought her a beautiful kitten for her birthday just before they separated, and he pops over to visit sometimes as 'he is the daddy'. She is a very open, fair and honest girl, and says as much as she hates him, she cannot stop him from seeing the cat.

 

Am I crazy to think that is slightly absurd? They haven't been together for over 6 months now. The family is still clearly upset that their son messed up, and I just think this is his way of staying in her life for whatever reason (unfinished business or intentions?). He also still has a lot of her home furnishings from their place that he kept after the separation, which she simply wrote off as they were non-personal and she preferred to just walk away (sofas, tvs, microwaves etc). Not to mention a car, which he couldnt afford, yet he has, and she is still paying finance for as she was the only one who could apply. She also just let him have that.

 

I don't want to become a jealous person, but this is a little irritating to say the least, especially how badly he treated her and is taking advantage.

 

Am I wrong to feel this way?

 

I think you seem very reasonable and understanding. It does seem rather odd yes. Perhaps you just need to try and talk to her more? I doubt you have competition though if that's the way he treated her!

[veggirl]

Oh god he is the kittens "dad"? :rolleyes: whatever, that is the stupidest excuse.

 

Look, the fact that this woman was ABUSED by this guy and STILL ALLOWS HIM IN HER LIFE speaks VOLUMES of her self esteem and mental issues. She is NOT over him, and she will probably leave you for him at some point.

 

Honestly, keeping friendly with an ex who ABUSED you???? She is damaged, you will not fix her, you should leave her.

[Quiet Storm]

Look, the fact that this woman was ABUSED by this guy and STILL ALLOWS HIM IN HER LIFE speaks VOLUMES of her self esteem and mental issues. She is NOT over him, and she will probably leave you for him at some point.

 

 

 

 

Yes.

 

Google "trauma bonding" or "the betrayal bond"

[InJest]

You should continue to date her, but tell her that you're not going to be exclusive with her until all ties are severed. Start looking for and dating other women, immediately.

[mtber75]

Oh god he is the kittens "dad"? :rolleyes: whatever, that is the stupidest excuse.

 

Look, the fact that this woman was ABUSED by this guy and STILL ALLOWS HIM IN HER LIFE speaks VOLUMES of her self esteem and mental issues. She is NOT over him, and she will probably leave you for him at some point.

 

Honestly, keeping friendly with an ex who ABUSED you???? She is damaged, you will not fix her, you should leave her.

 

Veggirl has a point...It will take some time for her to get over him. But she probably need someone who's stable in her life right now to comfort her...That could be you!

[Quiet Storm]

But she probably need someone who's stable in her life right now to comfort her...That could be you!

 

She probably does need someone stable to comfort her, but are you sure you want it to be you? Don't let yourself be taken advantage of.

 

Many men want to be the "knight in shining armor" and save a girl from all her problems. They think to themselves "all she needs is a stable guy like me" and expect her to appreciate him and all he does for her. They think because she's had a rough life, she'll be grateful that he treats her well.

 

Unfortunately, these men often overlook the woman's issues and blame them on her childhood or previous relationship. While those may be valid reasons for her issues, they don't magically disappear when she gets into a new environment. Those issues run deep and bleed into many areas of their lives.

 

She should respect your wishes to keep the ex away. If they shared a kid, that would be a valid reason for his presence, but a cat? No.

[RiverRunning]

Oh god he is the kittens "dad"? :rolleyes: whatever, that is the stupidest excuse.

 

Look, the fact that this woman was ABUSED by this guy and STILL ALLOWS HIM IN HER LIFE speaks VOLUMES of her self esteem and mental issues. She is NOT over him, and she will probably leave you for him at some point.

 

Honestly, keeping friendly with an ex who ABUSED you???? She is damaged, you will not fix her, you should leave her.

 

This, OP. A million times over. She's not over him and not over the issues he's caused her. You're going to become an actor in this daytime soap if you stay and watch it. They're both grasping at straws in a bid to still be in contact with one another as the 'parents' of this cat.

 

She may well think that she'll keep him on a distant leash, so they can still see each other. He'll see how she's with you, and that will, maybe in dreamworld, make him jealous and possess him to start treating her more kindly. Then, she dumps you, runs back to him, and he's the same jerk as ever.

 

To already have so much baggage when you just started dating is a horrible sign. I don't see any hope. The only hope you've got is a serious discussion and a door permanently closed on the ex, his family and everyone associated with him. Period. And anything short of that means your relationship is doomed.

[veggirl]

Veggirl has a point...It will take some time for her to get over him. But she probably need someone who's stable in her life right now to comfort her...That could be you!

 

She needs therapy. Not a new boyfriend.

 

I mean what kind of doormat guy comforts a girl about her EX! LOL yeah, come cry on my shoulder about your ex, babe! Pathetic!

[danm]

Thanks for the varied opinions folks! Most appreciated.

 

I've let things progress naturally in the relationship before I replied, to see if anything more developed.

 

The ex-boyfriend in question actually popped over to her house (lives with her Dad) for an arranged visit to 'see the cat' and a general quick chit chat. We're talking 20 mins or so. He also was meant to collect a cheque from her from a past financial purpose that he continually holds off. She's stuck it to the outside of her front door for him to collect so she doesn't have to see him, but he still makes excuses that he can't get it.

 

Anyway, it just so happened that I was also over with the girl, and she'd forgotten the arranged 'cat meeting' with the ex. I had to sit with her dad for 20 minutes having no idea what was going on as she chatted with him in the next room.

 

I felt a bit shat on to be honest, even if she profusely apologised. I can accept people CAN remain on friendly terms, but this smells too much of her being a genuinely nice person, and the ex taking advantage of that still now, post-relationship and knowing he can call demands and she will feel guilty and obliged to meet them. In this case, with the cat. The one thing she cares about in the world - her kittens.

 

She does actually havd very low self esteem and confidence (ie, he constantly told her she was fat, didnt want to sleep with her, a few times forced himself upon her etc). She has told and shown me an entire drawer full of still tagged sexy lingerie that she bought to make her feel better back then, yet he was never interested in her. And this week he has decided to make repetitive nice txt messages to her making small talk - out of the blue from the usual nasty petty messages 6 months post-breakup.

 

I think he has only just this week found out she is with someone else finally, and she has told me she thinks thats why he is being unusually nice. Touch of jealousy perhaps? She's been very open and honest about everything, even showing me what he is sending first hand when it arrives on her phone. Her choice.

 

For example, she may ask if he still had cd's of hers and just wanted them back. His reply never answers her, but counters with 'wheres my spiderman game then'. The guy is 25 years old, what a joke.

 

It feels like he is holding her ransom to the point if she needs/wants anything he still has of hers, he is not letting her just have it, but almost baiting her. Hence she 'wrote off' a lot of her material posessions just to rid him. All except the cat - the only thing they have in common that he 'has' from the relationship that she also has.

 

Cut that tie, and he has no reason to see or contact her. What makes it weirder is he bought the cat for her birthday as a gift last October. They were separated just 2 months later. So it isn't even his. I bought my ex a very expensive piece of jewellery years ago, but do I have a right to see it when I want? I never made it, and ive known of the bracelet for a good 4 years. He never gave birth to the cat and knew of it for 2 months.

 

She's a very naive and genuine girl, and I just see him manipulating the situation more and more.

 

I think outrightly telling her im unhappy might be messy. I have to be careful with my wording, but I cannot let this continue. He is a snake in the grass.

 

The relationship is still very fresh. Perhaps then I should play into this cat family thing by suggesting I actually have been with her and 'the cat' longer than he was with her and 'the cat'. So does that elevate me in this 'family'? Obviously the more I am with her and 'the cat' the more his demands to see it will eventually wear thin and look pathetic.

 

That might make her see how silly and unnecessary his need to see the kitten is in context. The question is: will that really work? And am I a patient enough guy to play mr friendly?

 

Thoughts?

Edited June 26, 2012 by danm

[2sunny]

She may be "used to" the abuse.

 

She doesn't have a HEALTHY boundary!

 

YOU can't make her... She needs help though - counseling could help her. She stays in contact because it's not over yet.

 

You should express your being uncomfortable with the "arrangement". She wouldn't like it if you did these things FOR another gal, yes?

[veggirl]

omg how disrespectful! You are her boyfriend correct?

 

So let me get this straight. Her ex comes over "to see the cat" and you, her boyfriend happen to be there, and instead of introducing you and having you by her side, she sticks you in the other room with her dad while she entertains her ex.

 

Look this girl has boundary issues, self esteem issues, and IS NOT ready for a new relationship.

 

You are behaving like a doormat. It's quite sad to read, and for the record the consensus wasn't all that varied when you originally posted--we mostly agreed to dump this girl. She fked up and is going to string you along for the ride....

 

omg showing your lingerie she bought to impress her ex?! You are insane to stay with her, you are welcoming heartbreak. You will end up hurt in this situation, not her and not her ex.

 

She is NOT over her ex!!!

 

You really can't see that...?

[danm]

Well, I have her coming to stay with me for 4 days, so perhaps just enjoy my time with her and raise my concerns for the situation on the final evening.

 

No doubt he will be sending her the odd message whilst she is here. I'll be curious to know what it is he is asking/sending and what/why she is encouraging the replies to keep happening as opposed to cutting it off.

 

A perfect situation for her to either continue this game of tennis with him; or forget it and enjoy our time together.

 

Regardless, this weekend it is time talk.

 

Speaking of doormats, there is a much richer and sadder depth to her past that explains her reluctance to fight situations and fall out with people. I can understand completely, despite the fact I am very much one that could readily hold and eternal grudge if needed. She is the exact opposite through previous battle scars.

 

Perhaps I end the 4 days by bringing the issue of him up, and suggesting we then have some time apart to consider things, ie relationship priorities and boundaries. Well, for her to consider if she is willing to stop meeting his requests and start fending for herself/fighting my corner.

 

Does that sound bitchy/demanding on my part?

 

I guess the fact her facebook account still has photos of her and another ex boyfriend 3 years prior to this guy just adds to her forgiving and non-fighting spirit. Its not like shes hiding anything; shes just a little too open and unresentful perhaps. I cant tell what is worse - seeing it all and knowing the lot; or not knowing about past history.

 

I can tell you one thing - all exes of mine have photos and comments removed and de-friended to spare future partners seeing and getting jealous/digging around too much into something that is no longer there.

[danm]

Oh, and a little side fact...

 

Speaking of the dreaded facebook, I hate to analyse relationships over it, but this is an entertaining side nugget to this story - yesterday evening someone with a very unusual IP logged/hacked into her account from a mobile device and 'liked' a past photo of the 'cat guy' and her.

 

Just when he has started being nice too. Funny.

 

Very much an amusing coincidence, don't you think? Though innocent until proven guilty, I can only suspect it to be him, of all people, toying with her head.

 

She told me as soon after it happened, when she was bombarded by friends asking why the fubar she liked such a photo. Had she not told me, I'd have been none the wiser to it.

 

Perhaps shes actually seeing my reaction and is expecting/wants me to be jealous and demand she stops seeing him. Girls do work in mysterious ways - and she does business individual psychoanalysis for her job.

 

The plot thickens...

[Eddie Edirol]

Perhaps I end the 4 days by bringing the issue of him up, and suggesting we then have some time apart to consider things, ie relationship priorities and boundaries. Well, for her to consider if she is willing to stop meeting his requests and start fending for herself/fighting my corner.

 

Does that sound bitchy/demanding on my part?

 

I dont think it sounds demanding, but I think she will choose to keep in contact with him. He isnt holding her for ransom, she is. Its only been two months off of a two year relationship, you dont know if she is truly over him yet, regardless what she tells you. You got her at a bad time, she needs at least a year to completely rid herself of him in her mind. She certainly cant do that while you are with her, she never gets to heal, in addition to her other issues.

 

She is deliberately avoiding closing the door on that relationship for some reason, you may never know why. But I think you should let this one go until she can decide to cut him off. But I honestly think she wont be able to do it, so dont count on it.

[2sunny]

She's being a douche... But MORE importantly...

 

YOU are ALLOWING it to happen without saying "stop all of it!"

[yongyong]

I am sure he banged her really good. there is no logical reason for her to see him. but there should be another reason she can't forget about the guy

[veggirl]

Oh my. I'm wondering what kind of advice you are looking for, when you are just planning on letting her do what she wants anyway?

 

Well, I have her coming to stay with me for 4 days, so perhaps just enjoy my time with her and raise my concerns for the situation on the final evening.

 

If it was me, this conversation would be happening before inviting someone to stay with me.

 

No doubt he will be sending her the odd message whilst she is here. I'll be curious to know what it is he is asking/sending and what/why she is encouraging the replies to keep happening as opposed to cutting it off.

 

No doubt? Damn, how often do they talk?!

 

 

Speaking of doormats, there is a much richer and sadder depth to her past that explains her reluctance to fight situations and fall out with people.

 

I'm sure it's nothing many others haven't experienced.

 

Perhaps I end the 4 days by bringing the issue of him up, and suggesting we then have some time apart to consider things, ie relationship priorities and boundaries. Well, for her to consider if she is willing to stop meeting his requests and start fending for herself/fighting my corner.

 

Does that sound bitchy/demanding on my part?

 

No that is not bitchy or demanding. I sure hope you manage to do this.

 

My advice? Decide your boundaries! What are they? What are you okay with? Are you okay with occasional (how often?) communication? Are you okay with things continuing as is?

 

Decide what YOUR boundaries are, express them to her, and STICK TO THEM. Can you do that? If you decide you boundary is No Communication with him (mine would be that), are you prepared to walk if she won't agree to it? Whatever your boundary is, if she doesn't agree, or agrees and then doesn't respect it, are you ready to walk?

 

I guess the fact her facebook account still has photos of her and another ex boyfriend 3 years prior to this guy just adds to her forgiving and non-fighting spirit. Its not like shes hiding anything; shes just a little too open and unresentful perhaps. I cant tell what is worse - seeing it all and knowing the lot; or not knowing about past history.

 

There is forgiving and non-fighting, and then there is not letting the past go.

[phineas]

Oh god he is the kittens "dad"? :rolleyes: whatever, that is the stupidest excuse.

 

Look, the fact that this woman was ABUSED by this guy and STILL ALLOWS HIM IN HER LIFE speaks VOLUMES of her self esteem and mental issues. She is NOT over him, and she will probably leave you for him at some point.

 

Honestly, keeping friendly with an ex who ABUSED you???? She is damaged, you will not fix her, you should leave her.

 

This.

If he even abused her.

I've dated some women who were still "friends" with ex's who they claimed were verbally abusive to them, blah,blah, spawn of satan ect then find out their still sleeping with him while they kept me out of the bedroom for months because they were so traumatized by the last ex who was so horrible to her.

[phineas]

She needs therapy. Not a new boyfriend.

 

I mean what kind of doormat guy comforts a girl about her EX! LOL yeah, come cry on my shoulder about your ex, babe! Pathetic!

 

ouch. [raises hand]

 

Ok I USED to be that guy. But they were the first 3 women I tried to seriously date after my divorce & well 3 times was the charm.

 

I'm no longer that guy.

[danm]

Sorry, just to clarify what Eddie noted...

 

She hasn't been with him for 7 months, not 2 months. 7 months is a reasonable period to forgive and forget someone I think.

 

It was the last 2 months of their almost 2 year relationship that the kitten arrived, and this being the excuse for him to see her/her to let him. Might I add, it is him requesting the meetings, many of which she turns down in frustration.

 

When he continually bombards, she buckles and agrees to get him off her case. Yes, that does make her weak and questionable. However, the meetings always happen at her house; her dad is always in the house/room next door.

 

I've almost been with her firmly for 2 months too - and am probably going to use this figure as an illustrative reference of knowing the kitten as much as him. As ridiculous as it is, it is something I can use in my reasoning and setting out of boundaries as to why I will not continue the way things are.

 

To throw a spanner in the works...hows this for my side of the story: I own a house with my ex-girlfriend still. We do not see each other or talk beyond very rare monotone txts regarding bills/rent. We take alternate weeks of living there on our own whilst we individually decorate and sell in time for Autumn. I live there in the second bedroom; she stays up the road with her parents. The next week, she lives in the house and I depart and stay with my parents.

 

With that in mind, the double standards of my situation is causing me to find it very hard to tell her I am unhappy her seeing her abusive and gutless ex when I (not quite) share a house with mine.

 

She isn't happy with my scenario but understands its the best of a bad thing, for the very short moment, and is very eager to help me decorate and sell asap.

 

So yeah, pot kettle black a little bit. I guess people with either call it double standards; or the opinion will be the same in that I am being mugged a bit here.

 

Lest we forget I am purposely not seeing my ex, but she is agreeing to seeing hers and meet his demands to see her kitten.

[WeAllMightBeNuts]

Would you let one of your guy buddies treat you similarly?

 

No man would.

 

Grow a pair, move on, and treat her like she's dead until she has been alone for at least 3 months.

[Leigh 87]

Oh god he is the kittens "dad"? :rolleyes: whatever, that is the stupidest excuse.

 

Look, the fact that this woman was ABUSED by this guy and STILL ALLOWS HIM IN HER LIFE speaks VOLUMES of her self esteem and mental issues. She is NOT over him, and she will probably leave you for him at some point.

 

Honestly, keeping friendly with an ex who ABUSED you???? She is damaged, you will not fix her, you should leave her.

 

 

 

 

 

Veg girl is saying it all............ Look, it is .... beyond a joke. The way she is acting, however " nice" she is to be around - is NOT normal or healthy.

The behaviour she is demonstrating, shows that SHE IS NOT READY FOR A NEW RELTAIONSHIP

Let my go through some VERY OBVIOUS things, that you probabl know and have heard of yourself:

 

- seeing your ex you were once serious with, when you have a new partner, is NOT OKAY. Saying " happy birthday" on facebook, and once every two or so months, " liking" a link and eve commenting - OK, so long as it is not often.

- He abused her, and yet she still talks to him. She is DAMAGED. VERY damaged!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 She is not in a healthy mental state. She needs to find a professional therapist or even just a councellor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

COME ON - you should KNOW that a girl who is still in contact with a man who abused her, has SERIOUS problems.

People like her absolutely CANNOT get healthier, unless they at least TALK about it and acknowledge that keeping in contact with her abuser is NOT NORMAL OR HEALTHY.

She needs to KNOW it is unhealthy to stay in contact with a guy who abused her!

She needs to know it is doing her great harm, keeping in contact with this abusive ex!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

so...... JUst to spell it out even more clearly

 

- she talks to her ex WAY too often

- she is mentally not all there, the fact she talks to a man who abuses her, and needs HELP.

- there is NO sign that this girl will give you a healthy, happy relationship.

............Why do you want to be with a girl, who needs to talk to her ex all the time, who is not taking steps towards getting help for the abuse she suffered, and who puts her ex before YOU.

 

 

I am actually stunned. That your... with this girl.

I have low self esteem at times, but I know I deserve better than a guy who is constantly talking with his ex, who was abusive towards him... There are plenty of guys out there who would NOT behave wrongly, in this manner, why bother with people who refuse to cease contact with their exes?

Who cares if she is really nice, hot, or BOTH; she is NOT girlfriend material! Even if she really likes you, she has to make HERSELF better, before she can be in a relationship.

Her ex also needs help! He should be in therapy, trying to overcome his abusive behaviour!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not talking with the victim, when she has a new boyfriend!

.. Her ex has no integrity - he knows she has a boyfriend, yet he sticks around.

Any decent guy with half a brain knows NOT to hang out with girls that have boyfriends.

It is wrong - my boyfriend would not do it, with me, even if he was still in love with me and I got a new bf.

Please, PLEASE tell this girl to get help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tell her you cannot be in a relationship with her, until she gets help, and refrais from contacting her EX!

 

I honestly cannot believe these sort of posts! I HOPE you can do the right thing in this situation

[Oncehadluv]

She will always belong to him, if you don't come before a cat in this relationship then she's not into YOU

[Leigh 87]

guys, your missing the point - this girl is just a total idiot and mental case.

 

She gets abused, and keeps on chatting to the guy.

 

she has no self respect or self esteem!

 

She needs helpppppppp!!!!!!!!!!!

 

She might like this guy! She just has NO idea how to go about relationships.

 

In a healthy, loving relationship - you do not talk to your exes often. Once every so often to " like" your facebook status is fine, and to see them in a group of mutual friends by accident, seams innocuous.

 

 

 

The OP needs to learn that he is BETTER than putting up with a girl who is inept at having a relationship, and who does not knwo how to act i a relationship.