Son doesn't want to spend time with dad

[Steen719]

Little background in case you don't remember...brief, I promise. Married 22 years, XH cheated at 8 years; I found out, stayed with him, XH got sick 2009, hospitalized 3 times, stopped working and had a liver transplant. I took care of the ungrateful bast**d. We both have huge debt, home will be foreclosed on, XH cheated again, divorce Oct. 2011, moved into condo end of January 2012. XH moved on (before divorce) with new woman (not AP) and is now mostly living with her 4 hours away. He comes back here every 2 weeks or so to mow lawn, etc. He has been bringing her with him; she stays in my house, parks in my spot, uses my kitchen..etc. This part was very difficult for me, but I have been mostly successful at letting it go. I have virtually no contact with XH other than email very infrequently and only when necessary.

 

My son (21) is home from college for the summer and has started a job waiting tables for the summer. His dad has been asking him to show the house, not me. He is an idiot and just has a sign out front, no realtor and now the banks have turned it over to attorneys and so my understanding is the sale is no longer in our hands anyway, but since he has kept me out of it, I don't say anything to XH.

 

XH texted son yesterday and wanted him to show house today, even though X will be here tomorrow. Son is so angry at his dad and really does not want to see him. He said he would be working and couldn't. To make matters worse, X told him that his "friend" was having surgery next week and so he would not be down for father's day weekend and son should make time for him this weekend.

 

OK...I really was shocked by X's decision not to see his only child next weekend or even just on Sunday. Woman (according to X in one conversation a while back) is jealous of me and I believe she does not want him seeing me at all. Good Lord, I don't want him. Of all of the weeks, why is the surgery planned for then? At any rate, it is X's decision to be with her instead of son.

 

My son has said he doesn't want to spend any time with his dad. Last time X was here, he asked him if he wanted to meet the woman...son did not. I have not really said anything to my son about this. I don't know what to say. I can understand why he is so resentful and he has been angry anyway for what his father's cheating and behavior has done to our family. I am hesitant to say too much because I don't want to push him one way or the other. I think it is best if he makes his mind up about it. I do think he should tell his dad how he feels about all of this, but I don't even know if I should recommend that.

 

Ideas? Thoughts?

 

BTW, one of XH's brothers and one sister have called. Sister said X regrets what he has done...I think she said this in an attempt to make me feel better and brother told me he admired me for being able to make the decision to leave and that I would be happier w/o X. He and his wife tell me they love son and I and want to see us and said some of the family has said (I guess to X) that I was the best thing that had ever happened to him. Nice of them to call and I am hoping they won't forget my son. I have asked them not to. He doesn't see his dad's side very often.

 

Thank you for any thoughts.

[Steen719]

Also, she has adult children and other family in town that could help her for one day.

[96nole]

OK my thoughts:

Your XH is a douche bag. I know, saying that is like saying water is wet.

 

Your son is 21. He should say what he wants. If the ex doesn't like it, oh well. There is a price to be paid for the betrayal.

[tojaz]

Im with 96Nole on this one Steen. Your ex decided the man he wanted to be now, these are the consequences. If he is going to exercise his right to decide when and how he will interact with your son, then your son has the right to do the same... and that is what he is doing.

 

TOJAZ

[Snowflower]

I'm not sure why you're so concerned? Your son is 21 and an adult...these decisions he makes are his own.

 

I agree with the other posters and say "too bad, so sad" for your xH.

 

Besides, the relationship that your son and his father have is just that, theirs...not yours! It would be the same if you and your ex were still married...the relationship your son has with his father is HIS! They are two adult men who can figure this out for themselves.

 

Let it all go...(I say all this kindly, I mean it!)

 

Don't even think about the surgery issue or whatever. It seems that you are too wrapped up in your x-husband's drama.

 

It's nice that your x-inlaws are reaching out to your son/their nephew. If anything, perhaps encourage your son to reach back to them. But again, that is your son's decision to make.

 

I think you are trying to protect your son from further hurt which is what good moms do. However, this is your son's issue to deal with and it sounds like he has made his own (smart) choice.

[Steen719]

OK, I guess I will just continue to not get in it. It hurts to see my son realize his dad is so self involved that he chooses her over him, which is what it seems like.

 

OK my thoughts:

Your XH is a douche bag. I know, saying that is like saying water is wet.

 

Your son is 21. He should say what he wants. If the ex doesn't like it, oh well. There is a price to be paid for the betrayal.

 

96nole...son calls his dad what you did and says the same thing about betrayal.

 

Im with 96Nole on this one Steen. Your ex decided the man he wanted to be now, these are the consequences. If he is going to exercise his right to decide when and how he will interact with your son, then your son has the right to do the same... and that is what he is doing.

 

TOJAZ

 

Yesterday, I spent some time wondering if I really even knew this man. Even though he is not helping with son's needs...college, etc., I did not think he would be this kind of dad. It must take a damn hammer to my head to make me see what is in front of me.

 

I think you are trying to protect your son from further hurt which is what good moms do. However, this is your son's issue to deal with and it sounds like he has made his own (smart) choice.

 

That's it in a nutshell and I guess I need to let it go, as you say. I wouldn't want to be in X's shoes when he figures out what he has lost.

 

I try not to get in XH's drama. I never talk to him, don't really know what is going on with him and would not have even known about this if it weren't for son and father's day. I would be lying if I said I was completely over what happened with us, but I don't want to be married to him or reconcile. Would I like for him to pay for what he did to me...I mean...I am in the worst financial mess of my life, among other crap? Yes, I would, but never at my son's expense. It does bother me that the surgery has to be before father's day, but it is his father's decision not to come to see son, even if she is actually trying to get him to choose.

 

Thanks to you all. I'll continue to just keep out of it.

[KathyM]

I think you should not try to intervene between your ex husband and son. If your son wants to distance himself because he feels betrayed by your ex H, then so be it. Those are the consequences when a spouse destroys a family through infidelity. Allow your ex husband to live with those consequences. When your son feels ready to have a closer relationship with his father, then it will be up to them to work that out. I would suggest you not try to be the intermediary. To many children where this has happened, they feel betrayed right along with the BS, and they resent the WS for destroying the family. They take it as a personal betrayal of them--not just something between the husband and wife. Allow your son to process his feelings without trying to intervene on your ex husband's behalf. It is up to your ex to try to repair the relationship with his son.

[Snowflower]

Just be glad your son is 21 and not say, 9! He is at an age where young adults naturally distance themselves from their parents. He has great things like friends, college and work to focus on instead of the break-up of his family. Of course he is hurt but not like it would have been if he had been a child and was wondering/confused as to why his Dad was suddenly too busy for him.

 

He is old enough to understand so that is a blessing.

 

Hang in there, Steen. It's okay that you aren't over it all yet. And BTW, that was not what I was suggesting in my earlier post! Try to focus on the good stuff and forget your H and his drama. I'm sad that his behavior has also affected you financially. That makes the betrayal even worse.

 

Brighter days are ahead!

[Steen719]

Just be glad your son is 21 and not say, 9! He is at an age where young adults naturally distance themselves from their parents. He has great things like friends, college and work to focus on instead of the break-up of his family. Of course he is hurt but not like it would have been if he had been a child and was wondering/confused as to why his Dad was suddenly too busy for him.

 

He is old enough to understand so that is a blessing.

 

Hang in there, Steen. It's okay that you aren't over it all yet. And BTW, that was not what I was suggesting in my earlier post! Try to focus on the good stuff and forget your H and his drama. I'm sad that his behavior has also affected you financially. That makes the betrayal even worse.

 

Brighter days are ahead!

 

Oh, I didn't think you were...

 

Financial...yes, as a matter of fact, I had talked with a friend about doing contract work for her with the federal gov't and then found out that I probably will not pass their criteria for financial background since my house will be foreclosed on - XH would not help make payments. My classes have slowed down, so I end up teaching only one class at a time sometimes and it is not enough. I do have a line on something else that a friend of mine called me about today with the school system, still allowing me time off, so it might be the best thing for me. It is hard not to harbor resentment, but I try daily to let it go. Yes, brighter days ahead...I know.

 

I think you should not try to intervene between your ex husband and son. If your son wants to distance himself because he feels betrayed by your ex H, then so be it. Those are the consequences when a spouse destroys a family through infidelity. Allow your ex husband to live with those consequences. When your son feels ready to have a closer relationship with his father, then it will be up to them to work that out. I would suggest you not try to be the intermediary. To many children where this has happened, they feel betrayed right along with the BS, and they resent the WS for destroying the family. They take it as a personal betrayal of them--not just something between the husband and wife. Allow your son to process his feelings without trying to intervene on your ex husband's behalf. It is up to your ex to try to repair the relationship with his son.

 

Yes, that is what I need to do. I had thought to benefit my son, not my XH by talking with him about it, but, true, son is an adult and he sees what he sees and he will feel how he feels. I would not talk to XH about it, ever.

[TaraMaiden]

Son doesn't want to spend time with dad

 

good for him.

Sounds as if you've raised a sensible, level-headed young man, who is not a whole lot like his dad.

 

Luckily for you, huh?

Nothing worse than investing time, blood, sweat and tears raising a child, only to have them become "son-of-douchebag" in spite of all your efforts.

[andyg99]

not much more I can add to what has already been said... your son may or may not ever forgive his dad, he may forgive him and still want nothing to do with him... bottom line is that these are his choices now, his dad made his bed and has to sleep in it... just be there to listen when he wants to talk about it...

[Steen719]

TaraMaiden....yes, I am proud of my son and think he is a fine young man with a good head on his shoulders. He told me a while back that he did not want to turn out like his dad; it made me feel bad that he worried about that.

 

Hey Andy....my son doesn't say much about it, but I asked him if he wanted to talk to someone who was not involved and he said no, that he writes music when he is upset and that it is cathartic for him. He knows I'll listen to him, but I am not sure I am the right one to talk to. I have moved from sad to mad and I don't want to make him hear that. I do tell others and I am trying to also get through the anger to somewhere else (?), but every day has been a financial struggle for me and after working all of my life, I resent X.

 

You are right; he has his choices and he will have to do what he feels is right and I will live with whatever it is because I have no other thing to do. Thanks

[Furious]

Hey Steen

 

Reading your post made me just shake my head and want grab that ex of your's and punch him in the face.

 

There's a poster Moonchie who has two threads going that would be exactly what your ex should hear....they are hilarious.

 

check them out. "kiss my zzz" on rants forum

"I'll make him pay". On the coping forum

[Steen719]

Hey Steen

 

Reading your post made me just shake my head and want grab that ex of your's and punch him in the face.

 

There's a poster Moonchie who has two threads going that would be exactly what your ex should hear....they are hilarious.

 

check them out. "kiss my zzz" on rants forum

"I'll make him pay". On the coping forum

 

Funny...lol, but I can't find the "kiss my zzz"

 

I would like to punch him in the face, too. I should not have taken such good care of him....that was not nice of me

[Furious]

Look for it in the personal rants and confession forum.

[Steen719]

LOL LOL LOL

Let's be friends.... OH, yeah!!!!

[96nole]

good for him.

Sounds as if you've raised a sensible, level-headed young man, who is not a whole lot like his dad.

 

 

Yes I agree. Even if he is going to UF :p:laugh::laugh:

[Snowflower]

Oh, I didn't think you were...

 

Financial...yes, as a matter of fact, I had talked with a friend about doing contract work for her with the federal gov't and then found out that I probably will not pass their criteria for financial background since my house will be foreclosed on - XH would not help make payments. My classes have slowed down, so I end up teaching only one class at a time sometimes and it is not enough. I do have a line on something else that a friend of mine called me about today with the school system, still allowing me time off, so it might be the best thing for me. It is hard not to harbor resentment, but I try daily to let it go. Yes, brighter days ahead...I know.

 

 

 

 

I hope this works out for you! It seems like school systems in FL are always looking for good people to hire. Check it out!

[96nole]

Hey Steen

 

 

There's a poster Moonchie who has two threads going that would be exactly what your ex should hear....they are hilarious.

 

check them out. "kiss my zzz" on rants forum

"I'll make him pay". On the coping forum

 

OMG! after reading her first post on "I'll make him pay", I'm wondering if my ex wife is Moonchie.

 

(sorry for getting off topic)

[Steen719]

Yes I agree. Even if he is going to UF :p:laugh::laugh:

 

Well, thank you, gator hater. I actually never liked the Gators until my son went there because their coach whined all of the time and I am an Alabama fan and all...and I liked Bobby Bowden, so it is always a friendly rivalry for me.

[Steen719]

I hope this works out for you! It seems like school systems in FL are always looking for good people to hire. Check it out!

 

I did the application and I am waiting to see if anyone else tries to transfer in. If not, I think I may have a good shot at it. There is always something I could do, but I like the idea of having some freedom around holidays.

 

Update: The ungrateful basta** texted son once on Friday, saying that he wanted son to put aside time for him and son did not text him back. Son never heard another thing after that. I'm not sure if he came down or not; it rained buckets and I think he was coming to mow grass, but who knows? He did not call son and that is just the way it is. I don't know what will happen for father's day, but I am staying out of it.

 

OMG! after reading her first post on "I'll make him pay", I'm wondering if my ex wife is Moonchie.

 

(sorry for getting off topic)

 

Absolutely no problem.

 

Yes, you did come to mind when reading it!!! LOL

[g450]

At least your Son is grown. Mine is too and forget fathers day. He appologized the next day so it's all good.

 

Now look at my Wife's yougest Son. His low life father has not spoken to him in months. And he is almost a year behind on CS payments. He has yet to make a CS payment with the exception of the IRS docking his last refund. What a POS lowlife he is. Cant believe people like this exist.

 

I get along OK with her Son but I get the feeling like he thinks he is in competition with me for her attention. If all else fails he uses the "Im sick Mom" thing and it works every time. She has yet to actually take him to see an MD or dentist though so I think its mostly BS from him.

 

So dont feel too bad, things could be worse. Anyway, sorry for the rant.

[Steen719]

At least your Son is grown. Mine is too and forget fathers day. He appologized the next day so it's all good.

 

Now look at my Wife's yougest Son. His low life father has not spoken to him in months. And he is almost a year behind on CS payments. He has yet to make a CS payment with the exception of the IRS docking his last refund. What a POS lowlife he is. Cant believe people like this exist.

 

I get along OK with her Son but I get the feeling like he thinks he is in competition with me for her attention. If all else fails he uses the "Im sick Mom" thing and it works every time. She has yet to actually take him to see an MD or dentist though so I think its mostly BS from him.

 

So dont feel too bad, things could be worse. Anyway, sorry for the rant.

 

The rant is fine.. no worries. It seems like your step-son, you and your wife need to maybe have a heart to heart and work it out before it gets too bad,

 

My son either called his dad or his dad called him on father's day. I think his father called him and when I asked my son if he had a nice talk, he said "no, we never talk about anything serious and I guess he knows that isn't what I want. I just tell him what I have been doing and try to get off the phone." Sad

 

The crap dad did not come see his only child. He called about some property, blamed me once again for everything and I finally got him off the phone. He did give me a few laughs, though; still insisting it was all my fault because I divorced the cheating, lying sob....ha ha

 

Good news, though. Got the job starting n the fall and I go home (hometown) for a month in 1 and 1/2 weeks.

 

I don't talk to son about dad and I guess I won't unless he brings it up.

[g450]

Steen, that breaks my heart.

 

I can not even imagine a man doing that to his own Son.

 

Since I am now in a new marriage I did some reflection recently about my last marriage and how it ended and a light bulb went off bright as day.

 

I could never understand why my XW just didnt divorce me ten years ago since she claimed to be unhappy way back then. This weighed on my mind that she must have did it out of love for our Son. Well it just dawned on me that the real reason was probably much more sinister. Had she did this while he was still young she knew I would fight to the death for him and she also knew that he would chose me over his mother. With that in mind she would most likely have had to pay me child support rather than the other way around. At the very least it would have been a long drawn out bloody divorce. It may have even escalated beyond the court room.

 

So what I thought of as her making a ten year sacrifice for her Son may verry well have been complete and utter financial selfishness on her part.

 

As it turned out our divorce was uncontested and amicable and was over within two months and she had her walking papers. Looking back though I now see why she waited until he was grown.

 

Anyway, sorry for hijacking your thread. It just brought up a lot if thoughts that I have had burried in me for a while now.

[Steen719]

I don't mind you hijacking the thread at all.

 

Well, the XH has the new girlfriend, so I guess he made his choice on father's day. I wouldn't have thought his dad would have done that, but looking back on the first time he had an affair, he seemed quite willing to leave us behind in this city while he moved back to his hometown to live with his married AP and her three children. He wanted to sell the house and when I asked him where would my son and I live, he said we could buy a cheaper home down the road (spec home in a spec home neighborhood). Nothing wrong with the homes, but he said it pretty carelessly. I eventually found my guts and told him no. Anyway, another story, but my point was that he had it in him to be this way.

 

It breaks my heart for my son, also. There isn't any way to make that feel better, but he does know I love him with all my heart and he has always known that. Still, it must be hard not to take it personally.

 

And, your wife was having an affair, correct? So, she had her cake and was eating it too? Are you close to your son? Does he hold any ill will towards either of you and did he know of the affair?