AdAm101 Posted June 28, 2004 Posted June 28, 2004 [font=arial][/font][color=black][/color] Hey there, My name is adam and i have a girl that i have been with for four years and one month now and all of a sudden out of the blue the guy that took her virginity is back in the picture. He was never there for her and i have been there every time she has needed someone. Recently my brother has went to jail and that is when everything has been going down hill. She just broke up with me last wednesday for this guy, but they are still not going out but she is always over there. She continuously tells me she loves me and cares for me but this is just what she wants to do right now. I have begged and pleaded for her not to do this but she is set on it and now the more i beg and plead the farther i am pushed away. I know that she isn't lying when she tells me these things like i love you and care about you. I have bought her two rings both which were promise rings first one was broken off becasue she was mad at me which is kind of like now. But this new one was given at christmas time and she straight up loved it. Now back to my story that i am getting off my chest she is telling me to that she kissed him and she doesn't know if she plans on being with him but she wants me to leave her alone for now. Also she has told me that she feels about the same in my arms as she does in his arms and i was wondering if this is just like a fling thing for her and if she will come back to me or if she really loves him. She never mentioned anything to anybody about him because he was never there and he went on to other girls and had sexual intercourse with like four or five girls and he might have gotten one of those girls pregnant. I know this sounds like an awful skeem but i set it up for this girl to call him and set up a date with him which worked out as planned and he went and met her but he will not confess to it. That makes me mad because i don't want to see her get hurt. But i am writing to see if I should do the whole NC thing for awhile and to see if you guys think she will come back to me. I love her with all of my heart and she says that to me to but not lately becasue i have been bugging her to not go there and come with me. Also i went to colorado for one week when i came back she was over excited to see me and later that day she let me take her for ice cream. She still wears my rings and tells me this stuff but i don't want to stand by and watch her go to this guy that i know will not be loyal to her. Could I get some advice about this and see if the whole NC thing will work? Please Help today.
uriel Posted June 29, 2004 Posted June 29, 2004 Well, it's a mess. You and this girl were playing some games, sounds like, and it backfired. Now she's exploring whether she has stronger feelings for the first guy, with whom she had left things unresolved. Maybe she'll stay with him (until he walks away again). Maybe she won't. There's nothing you can do to sway her, except, as you say, stay strong. Don't beg. Live your life. And yes, when you're ready, see other girls, too. If she comes back, you deserve some respect -- answers about why she felt she wanted to see this other guy when she already had you. If she doesn't, know that despite the love you feel for her, you'll be better off. You don't want to keep getting your heart kicked around. -- uriel
Author AdAm101 Posted June 29, 2004 Author Posted June 29, 2004 So why would she still wear my rings and why would she still tell me she loves me and cares for me? I have been strong so far on this NC stuff but it is very hard i went out for the first time last night and all i could think about was her. Does she think about me? I hope she does because we have never been a part for four years we seen each other mainly every day. When i don't talk to her for one day she misses me so and i know that because of me leaving to colorado and coming back she was all do the i missed you and the hug and kissing stuff. I just wish i could see into her soul and tell what she really wants. Also her dad just went back to jail do you think that would have any impact on anything? She has always been distant from her dad but always loved him. I just need to find the answers but i don't know if i can. Nobody has ever treated me as well as she has and i liked that and i did like wise to her. Our sex would be great with her telling me she loves me and i really do believe she wants to be with me but just she wants to talk to this guy and see him too. Do you have any ideas of how i could get her to start to talk to me again because i want to have her in my life again because she was my best friend in the whole world. What do you think the odds are that she will come back? She has talked to him before and came back but not like this.
uriel Posted June 29, 2004 Posted June 29, 2004 That info about her dad is very telling. This guy hasn't been such a great father, probably. If that's so, then she's likely attracted at a very basic level to men who don't treat her well / return her affections as they should. This first guy, who left her and went with other women, fits that bill. So, she's got this confused attraction between the bad boy whose love she has to earn (and never quite can because he's a self-centered jerk) like Daddy's, and the good guy who's love she already has, love that makes her feel good and comforted rather than desperate and needy -- and excited. Believe me, this is the case with LOTS of women, even women who consider themselves mature and together. Happened to me. I almost left my incredibly kind husband, who I do love, for an emotionally unavailable man with whom I fell in love (tender, stable, mature love versus mad, teenage-regressive passion). And, all this right at the time my difficult father was withdrawing emotionally from my life. My husband forgave me, and we're still together. I now realize how stupid I was. How did he get me back? Well, the other guy treated me wrong and broke my heart (multiple times). I finally got fed up. My husband was firm with me -- saying I had to give up contact with the other guy and concentrate on us. He didn't let me use and abuse him. I finally saw that he was the one who truly loved me and deserved my respect. Now, I can't believe I even gave that other guy the time of day. This, even though I can still feel the pull of his attraction, years later. That lack-of-daddy's-love wound can go very deep in women. My awareness of that wound and what trying to heal it the wrong way cost me keeps me safe. Maybe your girlfriend needs to work through some of those same issues, too. -- uriel
Author AdAm101 Posted June 29, 2004 Author Posted June 29, 2004 That would be great if that is all the problem is but i don't know. She has never had a dad really her mom had her when she was sixteen and her dad has been locked up her whole life. He made her stuff throughout his time in jail like a jewelry box and stuff like that but after he got out she went and seen him we both did. Me and her dad liked each other frankly i thought he was a pretty nice guy except for how he treats his daughter. She tried everything to get him back in her life and all he did was go back to drugs and be on the run and she was very bothered near fathers day because she was devoted to getting her dad something and she never did. I hope this is just a phase because her going to see this guy like she use to see me isn't helping me at all. It is a pain and i can't stand watching her do this to me anymore i planned on going to do stuff all the time now i had to shut my cell phone off and leave it at home so i don't call her. I know she misses me but could this whole father thing really do this to her? Anyways i hope so and thanks for your response that helps a lot because knowing how she feels and everything is what i am all about. I care about her feelings a lot and that is the whole reason i am trying to find out if i should be available for her return to me. Her mother tells me that she will come back because she is like her mom and they believe they want one thing and the other is what they really want. Also her moms dad went to prison last year and that was in march and she had some troubles in her relationship in about october, now her father is out and she is talking to him again. So maybe this is all the same i don't know her mom even went to another guy and came back. Do you really believe she will come and try to work things out and if she does should i give her another chance. I love her with all my heart and i can't help it. Also it might have some impact on her that the problems my family were having too. Anyways write back you are very helping to me. Thanks...
uriel Posted June 29, 2004 Posted June 29, 2004 Yes, an absent father could really screw her up in just the way I described. Unless she can heal herself -- and sometimes that takes years -- she might not be able to appreciate and stay with a truly loving man. I hope she gets some insight soon into why the earlier guy is attractive to her -- destructively so. You deserve better and so does she. -- uriel
Author AdAm101 Posted June 29, 2004 Author Posted June 29, 2004 I don't see how we each deserve better we have treated each other very well until recently. She has never treated me like this and i don't expect her to treat me like this for long. I have found out more about that plan i had and now that girl is falling for him and he is going to do stuff with her more often and that is not what i meant to happen. Should i wait it out or should i really move on i still have to go to school with her in September through May. Everybody can realize how much we care about each other and that is how it has been for a long time. I mean we have our differences here and there but they are not that big of a deal. They are like if she disrespects me i get mad and do it back or act mad. So that could be the only reason she is doing this and the reason is because he took her virginity and it is proven that you always have a feeling for your taker. Just have to wait it out i guess i want to call her so bad and talk to her but i don't want to till i get back from Missouri this weekend. Since we have been together for so long if i wait and bring her a card or even leave her a note like she said she would like me to(and she said she would respond) that day i get back would things begin to climb that big hill again? I hope so because I want to be her friend there is nothing better than her being there by my side no matter what. But i guess i just don't know. Thanks for your responses.
J_weik Posted June 29, 2004 Posted June 29, 2004 Take it from me first hand, not having a father can and will screw you up. Well, in reality i had a father. But he was always drunk and would beat me, so in a sense, i didnt. This and some other issues made me not respect other people. Made me want to fight anyone, all the time. I also had security issues with myself, i still do but im working on them. I would think that im not good enough for anyone, and that im ugly. This had alot to do with my father, and i hate him for that. I didn't respect my girlfriend, tryed to control her.. Thats where my father comes in, he taught me not to respect others. Although i've never hit her, nor would i ever hit a female, the respect wasnt there.
Author AdAm101 Posted June 29, 2004 Author Posted June 29, 2004 So if this father issue is such a big deal how do i help her through it all she won't let me talk to her about it. I wish i could but she won't frankly she won't let me talk to her much at all right now because of my begging and pleading. If i could find her real spot in life i would be a lot happier knowing that she dumped me for a guy that was never there and just wants a booty call ticks me off just a little bit more each time i think about it i wish there would be some way to get it through to her that he is a player with out hurting anything between us. So if you could respond with some news on how to help her through all this and how to deal with all this hit back otherwise thanks for the post.
J_weik Posted June 30, 2004 Posted June 30, 2004 Only way for her to find that out is whatever way she chooses. You nor anyone else can tell her. I know how you feel, to the tee. And i only found out what my problem was by trial and error. I used to get in alot of trouble, had a daughter when i was 15, jail when i was 16. Sure people could have told me things that they thought would help, but i wasn't hearing it. If i knew what i did now, i wouldn't be sitting here missing my ex:(
Author AdAm101 Posted June 30, 2004 Author Posted June 30, 2004 How should i deal with this then because i don't like how she has been acting to me and this was just out of recent days. She does love me cause she tells me because she is one of those people that will tell you if they don't or not no matter what. Maybe i have just been trying to hard but i have been getting out today and last night so things are beggining to get easier. As of Saturday that was when we last had a civil talk without an arguement but sunday and monday we really didn't argue either i just didn't like where she was and how she was dealing with stuff. Maybe i am just over reacting but i don't believe i am we have countered stuff like this before and i believe if I stick through on this i can begin to talk to her in about a week to get her to start being normal to me again. Nothing really has changed except he is back in the picture and how she has been saying stuff to me(which is probably my fault). Eventually there will be a tie between us again because everyday at school we see each other and we always see each other over summer break. She hopefully will come to her senses and deal with her problems and come back home to me. Also could she be doing this becasue nobody in her family or friends like him? Anyways i have said what i feel i needed to say this time please reply
J_weik Posted June 30, 2004 Posted June 30, 2004 Give her some time. Then a week or so goes by, send her flowers or something to make sure she knows you care.
Author AdAm101 Posted June 30, 2004 Author Posted June 30, 2004 Hey thanks for the careness that really does help me with everything because she is my best friend and the only girl that ever treated me as good as she did. Thanks for listening enough i will probably update again sometime soon just to let everybody know how things are going. Thanks again.
uriel Posted June 30, 2004 Posted June 30, 2004 Unless and until she comes back to you ready to have some serious talks, all you can do is get on with your life. You can't make someone realize, accept, or act on a psychological insight like the wound we were talking about. She has to feel that out first and work up to the insight herself. Even then, as I 've said, healing from such a wound can take time and sometimes help from a therapist. No easy fix. In the meantime, you will just push her away if you keep begging, etc. It also makes you seem desperate and less valuable. The other guy has gotten her, at least for the moment, through his unattainability -- seeming aloof, giving mixed signals, with occasional partial gratification. Stay away from her. Let her contact you. When you talk, keep focused on surface things unless she takes it deeper. Hang up first -- tell her you've got things to do. Don't assume just any contact from her means she's ready to admit she was wrong, beg forgiveness, and ask to get back together. Let her ask for it. She already knows you love and want her. All you're doing by continuing to plead your case and remind her of that is making her think another guy is more desirable. No, it's not fair. But you can't make her be fair -- she thinks she's following her heart and believes she has a right to do that. The fact that she still has some feelings for you (wears your rings, tells you she loves you), hasn't stopped her from seeing someone else. So, the degree of her feelings for you isn't as strong as yours for her. That's a fact. Sorry, but along the way, you too need to accept that. Evaluate people by their actions; talk is cheap. -- uriel
Author AdAm101 Posted June 30, 2004 Author Posted June 30, 2004 i broke the NC this morning but it was a 30 second phone call to just see what was up and see how work was going and she said why are you going into work? Does that mean she cares or she is just wondering. Also her wearing my rings could be just a symbol to him also that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with him but wants to talk and be good friends. I don't know anymore i have known her very well and now she has changed just out of the blue. Also she mentioned once before that she has missed her period since the end of april and now it is june and she says that she had it two weeks ago. Well could she still be pregnant or was she just saying that to keep me around? I don't see why she would say something to me about that unless she really thought she was. I don't know how to deal with it knowing that she is talking to him and her sister calling me and talking to me even makes it worse but she is only 11 and she loves me to death. I am going out of town this weekend would it hurt if i left a rose and a note saying i still care to her before i leave or would that show that i am desperatel. Can you help me with some ideas of how to get her to communicate to me more and to make it so i can see her without it all going up in flames because of my jealousy? I need closure on all of this but i don't because i don't want to move on. She also told me about that pregnancy thing before we broke up and after we broke up she was telling me she had her period at the beginning of june what about may she never said she did in may and the last one she recalled was at the end of april. I don't know HELP if you can thanks.
uriel Posted July 1, 2004 Posted July 1, 2004 There's no help for you man . You're so in love with this girl, you can't stop yourself. I've been there myself, so I know when you're in this stage, there's just no sense in it. You've got to follow your heart. Good luck to you. -- uriel
Author AdAm101 Posted July 1, 2004 Author Posted July 1, 2004 hey don't just say that and go because i know this is what i want in my heart but i feel as if day by day i am moving on. As for today i accidently called her and she CALLED me back. For the phone call it went just like a normal call except i was not as cheery as always and she seemed like she was nervous or sad. When i answered hello it took her 3-4 seconds to respond "did you need something when you called," she never calls me. I was like no i accidently called you i don't have anything really to say to you right now. But she insisted on asking me what i was doing and things like that it didn't seem like she wanted to let me go or anything off the phone but somebody beeped in. We talked about how my date went which i believe she is noticing everything now and we talked about the fourth. Instead of going with him on the fourth she is going with her mom and step dad to a fourth of july thing with their friends. But she seemed as if she wanted to talk and everything i just don't know what to do about all this i am so excited but i know i shouldn't call her so i won't. Please help does this mean she is realizing that i could be the one and she wants to begin something new with me now? I sure hope so please respond you guys are helping me deal with all this very well thank you again.
uriel Posted July 2, 2004 Posted July 2, 2004 Try to keep your mind off her. Keep moving on as best you can. Wait and see. If her mind were made up, she would have already said something. She's been on the fence this whole time -- so I don't take that conversation as telling of any new hope. It does give you no further reason for new disappointment. Only gain hope when and if she says something definite. -- uriel
Author AdAm101 Posted July 2, 2004 Author Posted July 2, 2004 i couldn't help it i had to call her later yesterday but she told me they were hooked up now and all that. But even after telling me that she came closer and looked like she wanted to kiss me so she did. She also hugged me but i called him and told him he better not hurt her other wise it is going to be me and him and he was trying to fight with me the whole convo. Anyways later that night i went up to get my rings and as she handed them to me i said does this not mean anything to you and she said evidently not and then i waited cause i knew she was pissed so i asked her if she wanted them back and she said no because i don't want her to have them even though i bought them for her and she was yelling at me. Does that mean she had feelings in those rings? Also i had her sister hold on to them till she asked for them back and that was as soon as her sister walked in the door. Now she has them back on so i don't know what to do about it all she was showing she cared then i did this. She got really mad and i can't stand seeing her mad so i felt horrible. What does all this mean?
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