New Situation for Me

[1CrazyBadYear]

Hi All!

 

I'm new to this forum, and this situation and am looking for a little advice and perspective.

 

For background, I broke up with my ex-boyfriend of 3.5 years 7 months ago. He had cheated on me several times in the course of our time together and at the end we really had no trust left. Despite that, it was incredibly hard for me to let go and admit that it was finally over. Over the past months I finally got my life back in order and started to move on. Then back in March I met someone that I connected with and everything felt fun and new and exciting again. Except for the part where, wait for it, HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND! Somehow I ended up on the exact opposite side of the situation I had just been in. They are not married, engaged, or live together, and have been a couple for about a year.

 

Our story is that we first met through work last fall. I was instantly attracted to him, but in a relationship so I thought nothing of it, and even tried to avoid him so as not to be tempted. I didn't see him again for several months during which time my relationship ended. We crossed paths at work again in April and started talking as friends. I was just comming out of being sad and was trying to branch out and make new friends. The thing was, the more we talked the more compatible I started to realize we are. We make each other laugh, share goals and views on issues, and just connect. One evening we went out for a happy hour after work and stayed out talking untill 1AM. We just connect and it's SO easy. After that we traded numbers and started texting. It was like once we started getting to know each other we couldn't get enough.

 

Shortly after this he had to go out of town for a 2 week work trip. I thought it would be telling if I heard from him while he was gone, and I did, we talked every night for hours and yes, at points it crossed the line. The first time it started to I called him out on having a girlfriend and stopped it. He appologized and said he didn't want to put me in a bad position. However several nights later conversation went there again and this time I didn't stop it.

 

The week he came back from his trip he offered me a ride home from work. He was definitely givng the signals that he wanted to be invited up and so for better or worse that's what I did. We chit chatted and spent some time in my apartment but then he turned on a dime and said he had to go. He texted me awhile later to appologize for being awkward and to say that he was very tempted and it was hard for him to leave, but he wanted to be on his best behavior. We have still talked every day since that point, but he has been more distant and much less flirty.

 

On one hand, I like that he didn't take the oportunity to physically cheat when he so clearly could have. It still leaves the door open for him break up with her and start things with me the (almost) right way. However, on the other hand I don't know what's going on and am concerned that he is ending things with me and just doesn't feel the need to say anything because things between us never got "real". I want to ask him where he's at and what these past few weeks have meant to him, but I'm not sure how. Any advice? Do you think he's phasing me out to stay with her or just backing off to think things over and potentially leave her?

 

I've been through a lot this year and just don't know that that I can process this all on my own anymore.

[Got it]

Hi All!

 

I'm new to this forum, and this situation and am looking for a little advice and perspective.

 

For background, I broke up with my ex-boyfriend of 3.5 years 7 months ago. He had cheated on me several times in the course of our time together and at the end we really had no trust left. Despite that, it was incredibly hard for me to let go and admit that it was finally over. Over the past months I finally got my life back in order and started to move on. Then back in March I met someone that I connected with and everything felt fun and new and exciting again. Except for the part where, wait for it, HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND! Somehow I ended up on the exact opposite side of the situation I had just been in. They are not married, engaged, or live together, and have been a couple for about a year.

 

Our story is that we first met through work last fall. I was instantly attracted to him, but in a relationship so I thought nothing of it, and even tried to avoid him so as not to be tempted. I didn't see him again for several months during which time my relationship ended. We crossed paths at work again in April and started talking as friends. I was just comming out of being sad and was trying to branch out and make new friends. The thing was, the more we talked the more compatible I started to realize we are. We make each other laugh, share goals and views on issues, and just connect. One evening we went out for a happy hour after work and stayed out talking untill 1AM. We just connect and it's SO easy. After that we traded numbers and started texting. It was like once we started getting to know each other we couldn't get enough.

 

Shortly after this he had to go out of town for a 2 week work trip. I thought it would be telling if I heard from him while he was gone, and I did, we talked every night for hours and yes, at points it crossed the line. The first time it started to I called him out on having a girlfriend and stopped it. He appologized and said he didn't want to put me in a bad position. However several nights later conversation went there again and this time I didn't stop it.

 

The week he came back from his trip he offered me a ride home from work. He was definitely givng the signals that he wanted to be invited up and so for better or worse that's what I did. We chit chatted and spent some time in my apartment but then he turned on a dime and said he had to go. He texted me awhile later to appologize for being awkward and to say that he was very tempted and it was hard for him to leave, but he wanted to be on his best behavior. We have still talked every day since that point, but he has been more distant and much less flirty.

 

On one hand, I like that he didn't take the oportunity to physically cheat when he so clearly could have. It still leaves the door open for him break up with her and start things with me the (almost) right way. However, on the other hand I don't know what's going on and am concerned that he is ending things with me and just doesn't feel the need to say anything because things between us never got "real". I want to ask him where he's at and what these past few weeks have meant to him, but I'm not sure how. Any advice? Do you think he's phasing me out to stay with her or just backing off to think things over and potentially leave her?

 

I've been through a lot this year and just don't know that that I can process this all on my own anymore.

 

1, I am sorry for the pain you have been feeling (((((1))))). What a rough time!

 

In regards to the new man, it could be any way around but do you think that emotionally you are in a place to handle another relationship that will have extra challenges.

 

I understand the attraction and I understand the struggles but it may be best to take a step back. You can tell him you are interested in him, you would like to get to know him more but he needs to figure out his situation first with his girlfriend.

 

It's your call but assess your physical, emotional, and mental state and figure out what you feel is best for you. What do you want? Potentially just dating others, in general, may help you with how you feel in a relationship and what you want out of one.

 

Good luck!

[Trimmer]

On one hand, I like that he didn't take the oportunity to physically cheat when he so clearly could have. It still leaves the door open for him break up with her and start things with me the (almost) right way. However, on the other hand I don't know what's going on and am concerned that he is ending things with me and just doesn't feel the need to say anything because things between us never got "real". I want to ask him where he's at and what these past few weeks have meant to him, but I'm not sure how. Any advice? Do you think he's phasing me out to stay with her or just backing off to think things over and potentially leave her?

I am going to gently suggest that you really know, in your heart, that whether you manage to avoid calling it "cheating" or "physical cheating", you know that he has betrayed his girlfriend's trust.

 

And you find yourself in a bind. You very much want to think that he has persued you in "the (almost) right way", but it's a paradox, isn't it? You want to be able to respect him and think he's trustworthy and has been an upstanding guy, but in order to maintain that impression, you can't actually have the conversation with him about what you mean to each other.

 

I am generally a believer in the idea that the most healthy way for you to process your relationship issues is first and foremost, to be honest with yourself. Unfortunately for you, in this case, in order to keep a rosy, "clean" view of this potential relationship, you have to continue to fool yourself - it hasn't really gone that far, we haven't really done anything, he hasn't physically cheated... If you really take ownership of your role in it (the 'other side of the fence' from the boyfriend who hurt and betrayed you), and really hold this new guy to account for his behavior (which wasn't really so much "the right way", was it? - do you suppose his committed girlfriend would think so?), then it's a much messier scenario. You can't really get around that.

 

We distort things and deceive ourselves as a defense mechanism, when situations are more difficult than we want to face. But we don't really move on and grow until we break through those defenses and see things for what they are.

 

Which are you more afraid of: that you will see this guy as being just like the boyfriend who hurt you? Or that if you end up being with this guy, you will have to somewhat forgive the boyfriend who cheated on you, since you are essentially normalizing the behavior?

 

It's a real bind...

Edited June 8, 2012 by Trimmer

[nofool4u]

You broke up with your bf because there is no trust because he is a cheater.

 

You are now involved with a cheater, therefore he can't be trusted.

If they cheat with you, they'll cheat on you.

 

Just hope that if you do end up with this guy, he doesn't have the opportunity to go out of town without you.

[1CrazyBadYear]

Which are you more afraid of: that you will see this guy as being just like the boyfriend who hurt you? Or that if you end up being with this guy, you will have to somewhat forgive the boyfriend who cheated on you, since you are essentially normalizing the behavior?

 

It's a real bind...

 

First...thank you all for your kind replies. I has been making me feel just horrible lately and it's nice to have someone understand.

 

Trimmer- an interesting question there. I am definitely afraid of seeing this guy as being on the same level as the man I was hurt by. I want him to be better than that so badly as I have thought nothing but highly of him in the past and it would be very hard and sad to see him take that fall. I don't think that I am afriad to forgive the ex...this situation that I am currently in has impacted how I think of my past relationship. More so than forgiving the ex though, it has helped me to forgive the OW. I hated her SO much for SO long, and now I have finally let that go. The two of them didn't even end up together when we split and I am sure that she got hurt too. I was just so angry before that I never even thought about her pain.

 

As for my current situation, I don't think that I am fooling myself about things being right or ok, I know exactaly how his girlfriend would feel if she found out what has been going on. However, it's been so nice to feel desired again, and by someone who I seem so compatible with, that somehow my feeling guilty hasn't been enough to make me walk away yet. Maybe it is all just a fantasy, but my goal is that he will leave her, we'll be togehter, and see if we can make it work once we're there. I think that I have an easier time convincing myself that this is OK because he's not married to her, and perhaps it's possible for him to cheat on this woman but wouldn't cheat on "the one"? After reading this forum it seems unlikely as plenty of MM cheat on their wives. But I guess I'm still holidng out some hope. Also, I think it is probably a lie that all OW tell themselves, but it just feels like he can't be that happy with her if he is this interested in me. Hard as it is to admit, that statement was true about me and my ex at the end. We weren't happy. I loved him and I pretended that we were happy, but in truth we fought all the time and the relationship caused me immense amounts of stress. I couldn't see it untill it was over, but we really weren't right for each other on several levels. I guess it's that feeling that keeps me hoping and believing that the same is true here and that I might be more right for this guy that his current girlfriend.

 

Got It- you mentioned telling him how I feel and saying that this can't continue while he has a girlfriend. I agree that this is where things are heading for me. I just don't think that I can cut ties and walk away without taking a chance and telling him how I feel. And if he does have feelings for me too...and my gut feeling is that he does to some degree...I will need to ask if he intends to leave her. I can't imagine a more terrifying conversation. But I also don't want to spend life wondering what could have been as i just don't connect with guys on this level everyday.

 

What I want more than anything is for him to end things with her on his own without me asking him too. If he does it now, I feel like the few weeks we overlapped could be written off as bad timing. But every day this goes on without him doing so I get more concerned.

[RickFox]

Which are you more afraid of: that you will see this guy as being just like the boyfriend who hurt you? Or that if you end up being with this guy, you will have to somewhat forgive the boyfriend who cheated on you, since you are essentially normalizing the behavior?

 

It's a real bind...

 

First...thank you all for your kind replies. I has been making me feel just horrible lately and it's nice to have someone understand.

 

Trimmer- an interesting question there. I am definitely afraid of seeing this guy as being on the same level as the man I was hurt by. I want him to be better than that so badly as I have thought nothing but highly of him in the past and it would be very hard and sad to see him take that fall. I don't think that I am afriad to forgive the ex...this situation that I am currently in has impacted how I think of my past relationship. More so than forgiving the ex though, it has helped me to forgive the OW. I hated her SO much for SO long, and now I have finally let that go. The two of them didn't even end up together when we split and I am sure that she got hurt too. I was just so angry before that I never even thought about her pain.

 

As for my current situation, I don't think that I am fooling myself about things being right or ok, I know exactaly how his girlfriend would feel if she found out what has been going on. However, it's been so nice to feel desired again, and by someone who I seem so compatible with, that somehow my feeling guilty hasn't been enough to make me walk away yet. Justifying your feelings of being wanted to excuse his behavior and make it okay. Maybe it is all just a fantasy, but my goal is that he will leave her, we'll be togehter, and see if we can make it work once we're there. I think that I have an easier time convincing myself that this is OK because he's not married to her, and perhaps it's possible for him to cheat on this woman but wouldn't cheat on "the one"?

Why is it okay for him to cheat on her because he's not married to her. You weren't married to your ex were you? Did it make it easier on you when you found out? What makes you think you are 'the one.' So you were hurt and now you're willing to hurt someone else?

After reading this forum it seems unlikely as plenty of MM cheat on their wives. But I guess I'm still holidng out some hope. Also, I think it is probably a lie that all OW tell themselves, but it just feels like he can't be that happy with her if he is this interested in me. He may very well not be happy with her at this time, question is, how long will he be happy with you before he finds a new piece of A** and decides you aren't 'the one.' Hard as it is to admit, that statement was true about me and my ex at the end. We weren't happy. I loved him and I pretended that we were happy, but in truth we fought all the time and the relationship caused me immense amounts of stress. I couldn't see it untill it was over, but we really weren't right for each other on several levels. I guess it's that feeling that keeps me hoping and believing that the same is true here and that I might be more right for this guy that his current girlfriend. Seriously, how long have you known this guy? Not that long, why are you so attached to him so quickly, knowing he has a gf, you should be turning your back on him and walking away.

 

Got It- you mentioned telling him how I feel and saying that this can't continue while he has a girlfriend. I agree that this is where things are heading for me. I just don't think that I can cut ties and walk away without taking a chance and telling him how I feel. And if he does have feelings for me too...and my gut feeling is that he does to some degree...I will need to ask if he intends to leave her. I can't imagine a more terrifying conversation. But I also don't want to spend life wondering what could have been as i just don't connect with guys on this level everyday. Then don't. You won't spend life wondering about him since you really don't know the guy. If you give yourself a shot with a single guy, you might found you actually do connect but nobody connects with someone "everday".

 

What I want more than anything is for him to end things with her on his own without me asking him too. If he does it now, I feel like the few weeks we overlapped could be written off as bad timing. But every day this goes on without him doing so I get more concerned.

 

By the way, I think he's phasing you out because you didn't jump at his sexual advances. You didn't sleep with him or offer to hook up with him so now he's done with you. Time to move on to the next victim.