todreaminblue Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 This is my first post; there seem to be some great people/listeners here with great advice. Background info: I'm 30 years old, my husband and I have been married 6 years (together 8). We have one daughter who is 1.5 years old. We live in Los Angeles, I work 3 days a week, he works full time as a lawyer and is the breadwinner. Reasons I want to leave: 1) Where we live: We live in Los Angeles where we barely afford our mortgage on a house that's falling apart. I want to move somewhere cheaper so that our quality of life will be better (better house, have money for vacations, more comfortable lifestyle on the same salary). He can't stand to live anywhere except Los Angeles or New York (actually London being his first choice, New York his second). My stance is, if we can't afford LA, how can we afford NY? 2) He works like a maniac. He works all the time and our "division of labor" is designed to reflect that. These are his chores: grocery shopping Sunday, cooking dinner Sunday night, mowing the lawn once a week, taking the trash to the street once a week, taking the dog out at night. Other than that, I do all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, childcare, paying bills, shopping for home supplies (toilet paper etc), keeping on top of care for our dog and cat (flea meds etc). Monday to Friday his schedule is no different than if he did not have a baby. Many days Monday to Friday he does not even see her as he comes home after she is in bed. On Saturday and Sunday he is around with us half of the weekend if I am lucky. My problem with this is that I do think it's a bit lopsided as is even if his job is "the most stressful job in the world" as he sees it, but I might be able to deal with it if I didn't feel like he puts most of his work stress on himself. I am fairly certain most other married people with children at his office (public defender) don't work like he does. Also, his pay does not justify how much he works. So, I feel like I am left to do the bulk of home and child care because of how he chooses to work. 3) He is anti my friends and family. He generally doesn't like other people (how he liked me is a miracle because I swear he is so judgmental of others). He has no friends or family of his own, but can't stand to spend time with mine. He will grin it and bear it but that's not exactly fun for me. My parents are such a big help to us, but he feels it's not normal for us (me, him, our daughter - their grand daughter) "so often," which is now one day every other week, sometimes once a week. I feel lucky to have retired parents who are able to help us so much because they love us. He sees it as disturbing and that we should be more independent. When I say help, I mean they help with household things - like my dad fixes things around the house because my husband doesn't do that at all - or babysit our daughter while I do chores. We just have different views on family. Those are the main issues, but there are other ones. I do not feel like he is good at communicating, he often says hurtful things he does not mean (which he takes back later, but the damage is done - not only damage afterwards, but our argument often spirals out of control because of those things he says). I am not one of those people who feels like I am missing out on my soul mate and want to leave to find that person. I am just tired of dealing with my husband and want to be alone to raise my (ok our) child. I don't/can't leave because I am afraid of custody issues, of someone else (his future sig other) having a say in raising my child, financial issues, and fear that he will put his possible future children ahead of our daughter, which would break my heart if he didn't treat her equally (love wise and financially). I feel that I have to just stay with him. I'm not sure what I'm looking for, I guess other perspectives on this? Thanks for reading and thanks in advance for constructive criticism or advice. I tried for years to keep a relationship together afraid to leave afraid to go and fall in love again I did myself no favors by staying in a relationship where i wasn't happy and i did no favours to the other half for forgiving inexcusable behaviour.When situations arose that were horrible or hard communication completely broke down because i no longer trusted him to open up and therefore was unable to do so myself.....once trust is gone in someone serious counselling marriage wise is needed my ex wasn't into that.....Try the counselling route if you cant come to compromise if th ebarriers are up you need to lower them to work this out.Do all that you can adn then you can do no more.I was afraid as far as custody goes. My ex once tried to take my oldest daughter away from me.......i was holding her comforting myself and her ,when he told me he never wanted to see me again....he reefed her out of my arms......i froze and held on......he kept pulling....i let her go( i couldnt rip her apart) she was scared.....he walked out the front door with her.....i lost my legs(they just gave way in grief)I fell to my knees he then walked back in and said she wants you and walked back out again , she wanted to go back to me and she was crying she was four or five.......she has not forgotten that she is 18 now.....the fact is i let her go....there is no use fighting over children they should be allowed to stay where they feel safest.....my children choose me....which surprises me because i am seriously bent......your daughter is young she needs to be nurtured with her mother he works he is not going to fight you for custody you have stated how important his work is if he ends up with someone else you are the mother and no one can take that from you and vice versa if he wants to be in your childs life he should respect you and your child....its hard being a single mum adn i believe that families should stick together through thick and thin better o rworse richer or poorer(traditionalist me).....that takes two people to make it work not one and not half assed from either all effort full sails and help if needed by deck hands........i wish you luck in life and love..you married him is he not your soul mate? he was.....find that place and person again with his co-operation...and if you cant then move forward and dont go back.......deb
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