Ready to Leave but Feel I can't

[stephy567]

This is my first post; there seem to be some great people/listeners here with great advice.

Background info:

I'm 30 years old, my husband and I have been married 6 years (together 8). We have one daughter who is 1.5 years old. We live in Los Angeles, I work 3 days a week, he works full time as a lawyer and is the breadwinner.

Reasons I want to leave:

1) Where we live: We live in Los Angeles where we barely afford our mortgage on a house that's falling apart. I want to move somewhere cheaper so that our quality of life will be better (better house, have money for vacations, more comfortable lifestyle on the same salary). He can't stand to live anywhere except Los Angeles or New York (actually London being his first choice, New York his second). My stance is, if we can't afford LA, how can we afford NY?

2) He works like a maniac. He works all the time and our "division of labor" is designed to reflect that. These are his chores: grocery shopping Sunday, cooking dinner Sunday night, mowing the lawn once a week, taking the trash to the street once a week, taking the dog out at night. Other than that, I do all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, childcare, paying bills, shopping for home supplies (toilet paper etc), keeping on top of care for our dog and cat (flea meds etc). Monday to Friday his schedule is no different than if he did not have a baby. Many days Monday to Friday he does not even see her as he comes home after she is in bed. On Saturday and Sunday he is around with us half of the weekend if I am lucky. My problem with this is that I do think it's a bit lopsided as is even if his job is "the most stressful job in the world" as he sees it, but I might be able to deal with it if I didn't feel like he puts most of his work stress on himself. I am fairly certain most other married people with children at his office (public defender) don't work like he does. Also, his pay does not justify how much he works. So, I feel like I am left to do the bulk of home and child care because of how he chooses to work.

3) He is anti my friends and family. He generally doesn't like other people (how he liked me is a miracle because I swear he is so judgmental of others). He has no friends or family of his own, but can't stand to spend time with mine. He will grin it and bear it but that's not exactly fun for me. My parents are such a big help to us, but he feels it's not normal for us (me, him, our daughter - their grand daughter) "so often," which is now one day every other week, sometimes once a week. I feel lucky to have retired parents who are able to help us so much because they love us. He sees it as disturbing and that we should be more independent. When I say help, I mean they help with household things - like my dad fixes things around the house because my husband doesn't do that at all - or babysit our daughter while I do chores. We just have different views on family.

 

Those are the main issues, but there are other ones. I do not feel like he is good at communicating, he often says hurtful things he does not mean (which he takes back later, but the damage is done - not only damage afterwards, but our argument often spirals out of control because of those things he says). I am not one of those people who feels like I am missing out on my soul mate and want to leave to find that person. I am just tired of dealing with my husband and want to be alone to raise my (ok our) child. I don't/can't leave because I am afraid of custody issues, of someone else (his future sig other) having a say in raising my child, financial issues, and fear that he will put his possible future children ahead of our daughter, which would break my heart if he didn't treat her equally (love wise and financially). I feel that I have to just stay with him. I'm not sure what I'm looking for, I guess other perspectives on this? Thanks for reading and thanks in advance for constructive criticism or advice.

[stephy567]

I'd like to add that I've requested we try counseling, which he has denied (I suggested this one time we were arguing about where to live) saying that he thinks counseling only helps if we are not communicating, which he feels like we are. He says we both have expressed where we want to live, a counselor would just tell us to compromise and LA is the compromise to him (when to me it isn't becase we can't comfortably afford it). Additionally, we don't really have the time or money for counseling. We would need funds for a babysitter and funds for counseling.

[jwi71]

I'd like to add that I've requested we try counseling, which he has denied (I suggested this one time we were arguing about where to live) saying that he thinks counseling only helps if we are not communicating, which he feels like we are. He says we both have expressed where we want to live, a counselor would just tell us to compromise and LA is the compromise to him (when to me it isn't becase we can't comfortably afford it). Additionally, we don't really have the time or money for counseling. We would need funds for a babysitter and funds for counseling.

 

Honestly, a lot of that sounds like whining to me. I mean, your H, a poorly paid public defender, is guilty of working hard to provide for his family. Sorry, you just sound very spoiled and entitled based on that.

 

What did your H say when you confronted him about this?

 

Public defenders are public employees and as such their pay is public domain. Google and locate his and everyone else's salary and see if he is "on par" with his peers.

 

You ASSUME his peers are not in the same boat as yours. Simply ask them "how they do it".

 

Instead of putting this all on him (for working long hard hours), what ACTIONS can YOU take to improve things?

 

Sorry, but what I see is a young hard working lawyer working his tail off to support his family and further his career (to better support his family). Them I see a housewife who is NOT happy about "her" place and blames it on him.

 

Why can't YOU get a full time job and help out more on the financial side?

[wow04]

I stayed in my marriage way too long, due to thinking I couldn't make it on my own. What a mistake that was.

 

You might need to ask yourself a few questions:

1.) Do you love him? (if so, you owe it to you, your daughter, and your H to do everything to make this work)

2.) How would you feel if you seen him with another woman? (if jealous then there are still feelings for him.

 

 

When I asked myself those questions and I answered No and I don't care if he is with another woman, I knew it was time to leave. I packed up my 4 kids and left.

 

Only you can make this decision, but don't drag it out too long.

[2sure]

Sounds like a Litigation attorney, the kind that has a big ego whether he is sucessful or not. And they need it - its the nature of some professions.

 

LA/NYC are the kind of towns where you are either all in or all out.

Is this location something you changed your mind about after having a baby?

 

He cannot keep you locked up & out of the daylight / expect you to work & take care of everything at home pretty much unassisted & without social breaks.

 

It can be done though. Its single parenting. You're doing it. If you divorce him, you will get every other weekend off.

 

Tell him you want to move , so that you can more easily afford the pursuit of life.

 

If he feels he cannot compromise at all....tell him where he will be sending checks to.

 

He is an attorney, not a dictator - he knows how to negotiate. Put it on the table.

[stephy567]

jwi71, I appreciate your viewpoint. My problem is not with his salary. My problem is that he works harder than necessary and wants to live in a place that is beyond our means. What I am going on is the numerous times I have been told by his coworkers that he is the hardest working person in the office and that they tell him multiple times to go home to his family. The people he points out in our discussions as working as much as he does do not have families.

Regarding my job, when we married we agreed that I would be a teacher so that I would be able to be there for the kids more. So, in that sense it is something I agreed to. I am not a teacher now because that job is actually very demanding. So, from the get go we knew my end of the money making would not be very significant. As it is, we have done the math and if I were to work full time, once you take away full time child care costs, I would be adding about $20k to our annual income. I guess this is another place he and I would differ. Perhaps he would say that the $20k would be worth it. But to me, it is more important that our daughter has a parent who spends time with her and $20k is nothing when you think about housing. If we moved to a less expensive area, our house would be around $400k instead of the $650k now.

 

Instead of putting this all on him (for working long hard hours), what ACTIONS can YOU take to improve things?" - Well, I'm not really sure what I can do other than just accept things the way they are.

Edited June 7, 2012 by stephy567

[stephy567]

wow04,

1) I don't think I love him. I don't think he's a bad person, he has good qualities, but seems to me he is choosing his work over his family (like I said, he and I see it differently, he sees his work as for the family and I see it as taking him away from the family - like he needs to balance it more) and I don't feel like he's the love of my life and at this point I am totally ok with being alone. Every day I wish that I was alone instead of in his company in the evening.

2) I wouldn't care if he was with another woman, except that I would be upset that our daughter would have another "mom."

[stephy567]

Not sure if I made it clear that I have talked to him about these things. To answer the following questions: 1) What did your H say when you confronted him about this? - jwi71 2) LA/NYC are the kind of towns where you are either all in or all out. Is this location something you changed your mind about after having a baby? - 2sure

H's reply when discussing these things are:

1) He is not moving. End of story. Unless we are moving to NYC (he means Manhattan) or London. Los Angeles is his compromise. I have suggested downsizing to a condo in Los Angeles to reduce costs. He says no. We met in Los Angeles; when we met we didn't discuss where we would live. I have always known he prefers a big city, which was fine with me until reality of high city costs sunk in.

2) Re work: He feels all the work he does is necessary (although he openly admits to being a workaholic by nature). I don't agree with jwi71 in the sense that a person can just work however much he or she wants to and say it's ok because it's supporting the family. There is such a thing as too much and everyone needs balance.

3) He says he's ok with my friends and family, but there is no mistaking the look on his face whenever I suggest we might be seeing either my friends or family.

[jayinblue]

Hi Stephy,

 

Its a hard road you're following. I think the best thing you can do is get really clear on what you need and also really clear on what he needs. You sound like you're tired of all of the chores and stuff you do around the house and would like him home to help out more.

 

Although you don't say it, my guess is your husband works like a madman at work, and when he gets home, wants to do nothing other than chill out at home and recharge.

 

Of course, this poses a problem for you because by the time he gets home, you're exhausted from chores and from caring for your little daughter. My guess is you've probably had quite a few arguments about chores and stuff, and he's probably now avoiding coming home early because he doesn't want to deal with the extra housework and stuff, and having someone get on his case about it.

 

Have you tried getting an extra pair of hands around the house? Maybe a housekeeper / gardener or something to lighten up the load? I think its a great idea for your parents to take over your daughter for a period, but maybe instead of doing more crap around the house you could instead use that time to recharge your batteries a bit?

 

This might help your relationship alot, because if your "chores" are lightened up, you'll be happier and more agreeable when he gets home, which means the home will be happier and lower stress, which means he'll want to come home more, etc. etc...

Edited June 7, 2012 by jayinblue

[standtall]

2) He works like a maniac. He works all the time and our "division of labor" is designed to reflect that. T

 

Stephy..this is IMHO, 95% of your problems. Being married to one's job and not spending quality time with a spouse and family is a form of abandonment of the marriage. Tell him this plainly and if he does not make the right choice, tell him you will leave, and mean it. I would suggest ignoring the other stuff for now as it either related to this (your location) or just static(he married you, not your friends or family, so he doesn't have to like them). As far as communicating, I find it hard to believe that an attorney cannot communicate effectively as it is a core skill for their job. Perhaps he doesn't communicate well with you because he doesn't like/agree with you view. It sounds like you need to iron this out now, or you will be getting divorced after 10 more years of marriage and a couple more kids, while wasting the prime years of your life on him.

[2.50 a gallon]

You mention your fear of divorce and possibly losing custody as the reason that you are staying.

 

My first suggestion is that you Google California Divorce Laws to get and overview, then see an attorney or two for their opinon

[2.50 a gallon]

stephy

 

Somehow my last message posted before I was finished. I also wanted to say that seeing you taking a stand on wanting a divorce, just might wake him up.

 

I suspect with his work hours, etc, the courts will see you as the parent the kids should stay with. And as such, he would probably be required to pay child support. And this will lessen his ability to stay in the place that you are now living in, and maybe wake him up to the fact that he needs to make some changes.

 

As for yourself, you only live once and please find a way to take a chance and find a better life for yourself.

 

As one who for a short time slipped over to the dark side, and pursued married woman, I can see how vulnerable you are to also slip into having an affair with another man.

 

If I can seen it, the predators can see it.

 

Be careful, as you don't realize how easy you too can be seduced into the dark side, by someone who pays attention to you and your life and pretends to care for you

[YellowShark]

Let's see.

 

1) wants to live where you don't.

2) says nasty things to you often.

3) doesn't like your friends and family.

4) is a workaholic and not a family man.

5) you are very unhappy.

6) he refuses to see a therapist to try to fix things between you two.

7) doesnt do squat around the house.

8) resents your father for doing chores around the house that he should be doing.

 

Sounds like a creep to me. Sorry to say that but he sounds resentful, close-minded, narcissistic, socially stunted, verbally abusive, materialistic, and unapologetic. Nor does he try to compromise, or even want to seek help to make your marriage stronger and happier.

 

Not gonna tell ya what to do but the writing is on the wall if he doesn't have an epiphany about how you are feeling soon.

[stephy567]

I really appreciate everyone's posts, thank you!

 

jayinblue, the funny thing is I don't ask him to do anything when he gets home or get on his case. He comes home at any time of his choosing, makes his lunch for the next day (because he has to have it a certain way and only he can get it right), works out, eats the dinner I make, then goes to bed. During the times I try to discuss him helping out more (not a daily getting on his case about it), it leads to a fight about how stressed he is and how he can't do a single thing more than he's doing. I might actually be ok with doing all the stuff I do if he acknowledged it more by saying that he knows I do more than my fair share (because I really do think it's more than my fair share....given our situation I think I should do 70% and him 30% but it's more like 90% and 10% right now), and that he really appreciates it instead of his current viewpoint which is, it's fair that I do what I do and that's the way it should be. Lastly, money is very tight (becuase of our damn mortgage!!), we both drive cars that are on the verge of breaking down, we can't afford any kind of regular help

[stephy567]

standtall, I think you are right. The work is the biggest problem. He would say that I knew that when I married him (that he would be working a lot). I don't really know what to say to that. My frustration is that I feel he doesn't need to be working the way he does at his current job. He's not compensated for that amount of work, nor do most people in his office work like he does. If he were paid double what he is paid and he wanted to work the way he does, then we might be able to function since we could hire a landscaper and/or cleaners to help. He agrees that he's not paid high enough to warrant the amount he works, so to me it is his choice. He's choosing to work more than needed over putting his family first (he says he does it to "further his experience" to get a better job). I honestly don't know what I prefer, him to stay at his current job but cut down the work or get another job (he's been looking for 1.5 years...applying for 2-3 jobs a month though) that pays more and keep the same workload. All I know is that the current situation isn't working for me.

[stephy567]

2.50 a gallon and YellowShark, thanks for your input. Unfortunately, I do think my situation is one where I will be pushed to leave. I just feel so scared to do it. I know that us divorcing would be better when our daughter is younger rather than older. But, I feel that I will continue to be scared until I just snap one day and then she will be 6 years old. Again, thank you everyone for your support. Thankfully at least neither my husband (as far as I know) or I have even come close to having and affair.

[Crazy4what]

I completely i agree, your H should find a cheaper place for you guys to live. So that with the same salary atleast you still have aomethig for vacations.

 

Yea you work hard for a nice house expensive neighborhood and you are tued up livig paycheck to paycheck.

 

I rather live in a cheap house or apartment, still have money to do things i want and have money for vacations, specially international vacations.

 

Maybe you should talked to him about that seriously, lay in your numbers infrit of him. Pros/cons. If he is open to an idea then its a good chance.

 

Also the fact that is like a hermit and preventing you not to have social life is selfish. Your not a sheltered wife. You seemed to have an open mind about this.

 

Either way, it takes courage to make things change.

 

 

 

Goodluck

[stephy567]

Update: Since he has refused to do marriage counseling in the past, I told him I wanted to see an individual therapist. My thinking was maybe a therapist/counselor could help me find a way to be happy in my current marriage just working on things from my end. When I told him that I wanted to see a therapist, he flipped out because I guess he took me seriously that I am unhappy. He then agreed to got to marriage counseling. Soon after we started, he started looking into the finances (he has not lifted a finger re any finances for the past 7 years), and started questioning things.

 

He saw that in the past year, because of my unhappiness with our budget, I have been racking up credit card debt. I have no excuse for this and realize I am in the wrong. I think I reached a point where I felt that we were so house poor (to the point of me starting to put car repairs and property tax on cards - that's how the cards started), that it didn't matter anymore what I spent or didn't spend. Prior to a year ago, we didn't have credit card debt. There is currently about $4000 in credit card debt. I've been making monthly payments of about $100 - $200 on two cards, but the total outstanding debt right now is about $4000. I take responsibility for this and I'm fully willing to take this debt on as my own after we split. Re: the $100 - $200 that's been paid out each month for the past year, I can show that all of it went towards paying for things that would have been paid out of our bank account anyway. So, it's not as if that money should still be in the bank.

 

Anyway, since he found out about that, he's been treating me like a dog. I accept that I've done wrong, but I also can't live like this everyday. He's told me the house is going to go into foreclosure, that I am endangering our daughter, that I'm going to cause his credit to be ruined. Since he's said that, he'd admitted that the house is not going to go into foreclosure, because he's realized that the balances on the cards are currently at 0% for the next year and it's not like all that money is due now. He constantly berates me.

 

Keep in mind that two years ago, we agreed that we needed more income to be able to keep the house and that I could work full time, but that after taxes and child care costs, I would be earning about net $17k a year. It would make more sense for him to switch jobs (go into the private sector) than for us to put our daughter in childcare 40+ hours a week so I could earn $17k. So, he's been looking unsucessfully for a job for two years. So, for two years, we've been living in a house that we know we can't afford. I'm saying this because he's mad about the credit cards and that we don't have more money in the bank. If he had not pushed all of the burden of doing the finances on me, he would know that this was coming (not having enough in the bank account). After two years, of course something is going to have to happen, either he gets that new job, I go back to working full time, or we have our parents help us.

 

Anyway, I've most certainly made mistakes by charging things and not telling him. Even before this all happened, I wasn't happy in the marriage and wanted out. Yesterday, I told him I want a seperation (as a prelude to divorce, although all I said was separation) and that I don't want to live with him anymore and that the only place I have to go that won't cost us any extra money is my parents' house. Unfortunately, my parents are 1.5 hours away.

 

Today we meet with the marriage counselor. I have no idea what to expect. Two weeks ago I asked to spend Monday-Friday at my parents' and that I would bring our daughter back on the weekends for him to see her (because that's the only time he sees her currently anyway), he said no to that. Today, I'm planning on saying I want a separation. I'm not asking for one, it's happening.

[stephy567]

The last straw for me was one night (after we had started the marriage counseling already), our daughter (who is now 22 months old), could not sleep between 9:30 and 12:30, so I was dealing with that. Trying to soothe her, trying to let her cry it out a bit, trying whatever I could. At 12:30 he comes in and yells at me "What are you doing? I can't do this. I can't go to work on 4 hours of sleep!" (because his job always comes first...heaven forbid he take half a day off to catch up on sleep. He's never taken any time off during the almost 2 years our daughter has been here.) As if I wanted to be up at 12:30 with a crying toddler. He also claims he didn't yell. This is another big problem. He thinks he's just talking to me when in fact he's angry and yelling. Last Friday night, he was rude to a neighbor which resulted in the neighbor leaving a note on our door the next morning that said "Do not embarass me in front of my guests again please. If you want to talk about this here's my number." My point is he (even still now) claims he was talking to her normally when obviously she felt it was rude and disrespectful.

[GuyInLimbo]

Let's see.

 

1) wants to live where you don't.

2) says nasty things to you often.

3) doesn't like your friends and family.

4) is a workaholic and not a family man.

5) you are very unhappy.

6) he refuses to see a therapist to try to fix things between you two.

7) doesnt do squat around the house.

8) resents your father for doing chores around the house that he should be doing.

 

Sounds like a creep to me. Sorry to say that but he sounds resentful, close-minded, narcissistic, socially stunted, verbally abusive, materialistic, and unapologetic. Nor does he try to compromise, or even want to seek help to make your marriage stronger and happier.

 

Not gonna tell ya what to do but the writing is on the wall if he doesn't have an epiphany about how you are feeling soon.

 

I'm gonna go with this, pretty much.

 

Also, and people may disagree with me on this, but when people are having a tough time making ends meet, having dogs and cats seem to be frivolous. They are not a necessity for anyone (hey, I LOVE dogs, but don't have one right now), and when you are seemingly living paycheck-to-paycheck, how do you justify having them?

[riverratt]

well I am a guy. When you posted an update I was curious. I thought it could have been the stress of trying to provide for you and your child. Thought he may have come around and realized some things.. Sounds like he didn't...To be perfectly honest he sounds like an ass.

[2sure]

Get a part time job. At 2, you're daughter can go to daycare a few days a week. She will enjoy it, and you will like the break to work and be someone other than mommy. Pay off the freaking 4 grand.

You have to go to work whether your marriage makes it or doesn't. Plus you just need to for your head.

[standtall]

Stephy..I know that we are only getting your side of the story here, but I am getting the gist that he is a verbally abusive person..by the standard in your relationship. This part

 

Last Friday night, he was rude to a neighbor which resulted in the neighbor leaving a note on our door the next morning that said "Do not embarass me in front of my guests again please. If you want to talk about this here's my number." My point is he (even still now) claims he was talking to her normally when obviously she felt it was rude and disrespectful.

 

says alot.

 

You do not have to take this. IMHO, you start making some exit plans and take the advice of the OP's here and get part time job and start working on a post divorce skill set. Next, lay down the law for him. Tell him that if he continues to treat you this way,..as a "dog", then you are gone...and mean it. You are an equal partner in the marriage and not his servant, you made a mistake, but so has he...quid pro quo. If you do not put your foot down now, then he will continue to treat you this was for the rest of your marriage...I know, I used to be verbally abusive to my wife in the early years of our marriage, and I have since cleaned up my act for many years now. I stopped it because she put here foot down. Bullies always move on to easier targets.

[stephy567]

Yes, I've accepted I will be a single mom working full time. Or, well if I can live close to my parents I can work part time and because of the child care cost savings (my parents could take care of our daughter), it would come out to be the same as working full time minus tax and child care costs. I've made the next step in the sense that I've told him I want a divorce (I asked for separation, but he said we might as well divorce) and that I think we're both going to get attorneys now. Obviously he is because he is an attorney and so he is all about knowing his rights and the law. I'm just very scared of what will happen now because I don't know what he's going to demand or expect and what he will fight me on. I do feel that I've been oppressed in a verbally abusive relationship for 7 years. I'm feeling what a lot of people must feel during this process, which is relief, sadness, guilt, etc.

[Gaprofitt]

This is my first post; there seem to be some great people/listeners here with great advice.

Background info:

I'm 30 years old, my husband and I have been married 6 years (together 8). We have one daughter who is 1.5 years old. We live in Los Angeles, I work 3 days a week, he works full time as a lawyer and is the breadwinner.

Reasons I want to leave:

1) Where we live: We live in Los Angeles where we barely afford our mortgage on a house that's falling apart. I want to move somewhere cheaper so that our quality of life will be better (better house, have money for vacations, more comfortable lifestyle on the same salary). He can't stand to live anywhere except Los Angeles or New York (actually London being his first choice, New York his second). My stance is, if we can't afford LA, how can we afford NY?

2) He works like a maniac. He works all the time and our "division of labor" is designed to reflect that. These are his chores: grocery shopping Sunday, cooking dinner Sunday night, mowing the lawn once a week, taking the trash to the street once a week, taking the dog out at night. Other than that, I do all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, childcare, paying bills, shopping for home supplies (toilet paper etc), keeping on top of care for our dog and cat (flea meds etc). Monday to Friday his schedule is no different than if he did not have a baby. Many days Monday to Friday he does not even see her as he comes home after she is in bed. On Saturday and Sunday he is around with us half of the weekend if I am lucky. My problem with this is that I do think it's a bit lopsided as is even if his job is "the most stressful job in the world" as he sees it, but I might be able to deal with it if I didn't feel like he puts most of his work stress on himself. I am fairly certain most other married people with children at his office (public defender) don't work like he does. Also, his pay does not justify how much he works. So, I feel like I am left to do the bulk of home and child care because of how he chooses to work.

3) He is anti my friends and family. He generally doesn't like other people (how he liked me is a miracle because I swear he is so judgmental of others). He has no friends or family of his own, but can't stand to spend time with mine. He will grin it and bear it but that's not exactly fun for me. My parents are such a big help to us, but he feels it's not normal for us (me, him, our daughter - their grand daughter) "so often," which is now one day every other week, sometimes once a week. I feel lucky to have retired parents who are able to help us so much because they love us. He sees it as disturbing and that we should be more independent. When I say help, I mean they help with household things - like my dad fixes things around the house because my husband doesn't do that at all - or babysit our daughter while I do chores. We just have different views on family.

 

Those are the main issues, but there are other ones. I do not feel like he is good at communicating, he often says hurtful things he does not mean (which he takes back later, but the damage is done - not only damage afterwards, but our argument often spirals out of control because of those things he says). I am not one of those people who feels like I am missing out on my soul mate and want to leave to find that person. I am just tired of dealing with my husband and want to be alone to raise my (ok our) child. I don't/can't leave because I am afraid of custody issues, of someone else (his future sig other) having a say in raising my child, financial issues, and fear that he will put his possible future children ahead of our daughter, which would break my heart if he didn't treat her equally (love wise and financially). I feel that I have to just stay with him. I'm not sure what I'm looking for, I guess other perspectives on this? Thanks for reading and thanks in advance for constructive criticism or advice.

 

In all honesty he sounds a lot like me, I started a 2nd business while my wife was pregnant and after our child was born I felt this huge need to work harder for my family. I didn't realize it at the time but this was killing my wife but she didn't communicate very well. I also said hurtful things I didn't mean and was somewhat controlling. I got a huge wakeup call when she left but she's still gone with our child. I've been in counseling since early July but she's still proceeeding with divorce. It's very sad because I am doing all kinds of things now to improve myself and will never make the same mistakes I did. It's weird it's like I would have never changed unless she left, that's what makes it sad. I would say tell him you are thinking about divorce before doing it, my wife never did this..

 

Greg