trent27 Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 Long time reader - first time poster. Ill try to keep the details brief. My bf and I have been going out for about 9 years now, since my highschool days and his first year of university. He has had other relationships in the past, but he's been my one and only. Four years in he broke up with me for 6 months to pursue someone else. The other guy apparently broke up with his boyfriend and my bf apparently 'had to jump on the chance' to be with that guy because he had had a crush on him for 'year's. I wasn't impressed - but he was rejected and then came back to me. During that time I was devastated and wanted nothing in the world more than to be back as boyfriends. We did get back together and have been together since. Because we got back together, my parents kicked me out and I lived on my own and had to deal with living on my own. My bf and I still live apart (he at home) but earlier this year he asked about moving in together (something I wanted years ago). All of a sudden though, I'm frozen and questioning whether I want that anymore. All the things I've put up with I'm just now coming to realize. I guess the problem is that I've never shaken off that break up completely - I still think about it. Now because we're both gay and we were young when we got together, we've shared alot of life experiences. We've been together while coming out to our parents and have worked together on many big projects that has advanced both of our careers. Last year, we actually started working for the same company, but kept our relationship separate from work. He is truly my best friend and very talented in the line of work we both pursue. This past January, though, I was convinced in my head that I should end it because I've been having nagging doubts that if he left me once does he truly love me. I thought to look for a new job to make sure we have some separation between us before I go through with it. I was really convinced in January, because sometimes it feels like I am more there for him than him for me. Two years ago he started doing marijuana and I wasn't impressed - and he was hiding the fact from me. Luck has it, he's found a new job and all of a sudden things seem to be going great, he stopped smoking pot 6 months ago, he's seemed alot more caring towards me and is generally more confident (and as I said earlier, he finally wants to move in together). He now mentioned getting married(legal in Canada) and moving in together. I should be elated, but I'm still thinking about breaking up, because for a while I felt pretty alone and isolated without any real support from him. I can't imagine my life without him in it but at the same time I feel like I'm losing a part of myself by comitting to him and things seem to be on the upswing. I'm so on the fence - and would appreciate any advice. Thanks in advance!
Author trent27 Posted June 15, 2012 Author Posted June 15, 2012 I'm going to bump this - but guess from the lack of replies that I'm coming off as a jerk.
Philosoraptor Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 Well it's normal to be upset with what happened in the past, you were treated like a second option. Now you have a big life decision to make and you're unsure which path to take. I think you need to lay out to him that what happened in the past is still hurting you and see if you can talk it through. If you still care about him and can be sure he won't take a similar step in the future... you might have a happy future with him.
Author trent27 Posted June 15, 2012 Author Posted June 15, 2012 Thanks Philosoraptor - a talk does seem needed. I doubt there is ever a right time - but I know I'll want to lay everything on the table and hope he feels able to as well.
Almond_Joy Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 (edited) It sounds like you were both young when the break happened and he pursued other options (early 20's?). Many have an urge at that age to try their options....I wouldn't hold that against him. I understand it hurt for him to break up with you....but he came back didn't he? and of his own accord no less. If you let the fear of him falling for someone else keep you from advancing the relationship when it's good....I don't really see how it can survive. IMO, there will always be "better-looking" options in life, no matter who you're with. I think your boyfriend realized that after he tried a relationship with someone else. I don't think you're a jerk, I think this worry of your loved one finding someone else is common and, in this case, not entirely unjustified. I'm just saying that it's a possibility in any relationship. I think the fact that he left and came back to you and has been with you and only you for the 4 years after he left is a strong testament to his choice. He's choosing to stay with you....trust that he's happy with his choice until he tells you otherwise. If he wanted to be with someone else he'd have left again by now. I also agree with Philosoraptor that you should talk to him about this fear. Edited June 15, 2012 by Almond_Joy
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