gbadboy Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 Hi folks, L*O*N*G - POST....but... Would appreciate any insight you all have. I'm a gay man but I don't think that changes anything in terms of our wants and needs - love is love, relationships are relationships. That being said...some background first..... I came out of a horrible horrible break up last year - the break up took about a "few months" to fully happen due to a lot of typical "back & forth". Ultimately, in the end, a horrible truth unfolded - my bf at the time was seeing my best friend over the summer and they were carrying on behind my back. ..I had suspicions and asked my friend several times, but he denied it.... We use to hang out - all 3 of us, not knowing that they had something secret going on. When I found out and they came clean in December 2011, I was devestated and I wish that feeling upon nobody. I obviously severed my relationship and any contact with my now xbf and severed all contact with my now x-best friend (we were best friends for 14 years). ...not only did I cut the 2 of them off, but I cut mutual friends who were close to both of them. Why? I wouldn't be able to attend the same gatherings knowing the 2 of them were there. It was too heart breaking... Anyway, I cut them off and all contact and went into hibernation pretty much for the winter - focusing on rebuilding myself. In March 2012, I met a guy. He is 21 and Im 33 and I understand there is a huge age gap there. I figured though it was time for me to start moving on and meeting other people. Things between me and this guy were good.......he did help me take my mind off my past.... And no he was definately not a re-bound b/c I was looking to get to know this person and not rush anything. The problem though was that this person was CONNECTED to my ex. The g** community where I live is relatively small and the problem is - everyone practically know's everyone. This makes moving on very tough b/c you always encounter someone who knows your "ex". Anyway, I told this new guy - not to tell me ANYTHING about my ex. Id rather not know. I keep to myself these days. This new guy whoever would slipp and tell me things - annoying I know but eventually stopped. So here's my problem. It's now June 2011 and we've been "seeing" each other and going slow.....but I want to take this to the next level and ask for a commitment. He on the other hand is still on dating web sites and giving out his number to people he meets at parties. He tells me he is on these sites looking for "friends" only and asks me to trust him. I dont see him as the cheating type...I know he is new to the "scene" and is looking to make friends..... which I'm ok with but I've offered to keep us as friends so he can go "explore". He doesn't want friendship with me - he wants more BUT at the same time, he doesn't want to fully commit. I'm at a stage where I want to commit. Dont get me wrong, Im not rushing anything - I want to go slow but all I want is for him to come off these sites and stop giving his number out IF he is going to continue to be intimate with me. I think that is fair. I mean, if you are going to be intimate with me, fine - but you shouldn't be out giving your number out to other people the next weekend at a party - even if it is for friends. "Friends" is a first step towards other potential things.....something I learned the tough way last year. At this point in time , me and the new guy are not talking. We had an argument. Basically he came over last Saturday and I haven't seen him in a while b/c of a broken ankle I had ( was in a cast for weeks so I couldnt do much) - im now out of the cast and mobile..... so he came over. ...I didnt want to get intimate with him b/c I wanted to know what our "status" was. As soon as he came, we eventually became intimate - (not sexual) but intimate......we drank, watched movies in bed , went out to eat etc. etc. He said he would come over the next day and try to sleep over Monday... It was a great Saturday night. The next day we texted each other and then by mid-afternoon the texts all of a sudden stopped. He stopped replying. I thought nothing of it, but as the night progressed, I continued to text with no reply. Night went on and still no reply - so now I was starting to get upset. Was this childish of me? Anyway, I had a tough time sleeping and the next morning I began phoning him - no answer. I kept phoning , texting and emailing and no answer. At this point I was really upset. He then texted out of the blue saying he left his phone in his cousins car Sunday and finally got it back. He was at work and couldnt talk much. I made a joke and pretty much said ok and that I'll text you later. ...around noon - I texted to ask him he if was stilll coming over tonight (monday night) as he had mentioned he would. ...again - no reply. I thought nothing of it. I figured he was busy at work - so I let it be. Hours past, 5pm past , 6pm past, 7pm pasts and still no reply to my text. I wanted to know if he was still coming over or not... I didnt text him back or call b/c I didnt want him to think I was chasing him. I just waited to see if he would have the courtesy to reply. ...at this point, I know he's not coming, but he could at least reply to my text and say he cant make it. ...but no reply.....The night went on and did not hear from him at all. I thought that was pretty rude (am i being chilish?). Im not upset you cant make it. Thats fine. But at least reply back to me and tell me you cant make it - instead of ignoring me. After all, we've been "seeing" each other for a time now and you are intimate with me and tell me you like me etc etc....I think that gives me some right to text you often... I made sure not to bother him anyway and let the entire night past .....the next morning I texted him at work - a LOT...and told him how upset I was. My texts were long in nature because I wasn't able to phone him as he was at work - and I needed to express myself. He finally texted me back saying : "You are an Idiot. I came home from work and fell asleep. I have more things to worry about than solving your problems. Im at work TTYL" I was totally annoyed that he could say that. If he came home from work, could you not at least send me a 2 second text saying you can't make it? thats all i asked for. But no - instead he ignored me. So I replied with a few texts saying its not cool to be intimate with me and then ignore me days after. Its not like your phone was lost this time...you had your phone this time. He eventually replied "Look, I'm not avoiding you. Im swamped at work and texting you was the last thing on my mind" What he fails to realize is that I didnt know he was swamped at work. Had he told me this, I would have not texted as much. I would have backed off. ..had he communicated with me and told me he's busy I would have backed off. All I wanted to know was what was going on b/c he wasn't replying to any of my texts so I was left in the dark.... especially since he said he might be coming over - I wanted to confirm that with him. Im not upset that he is busy or maybe doesnt want to come over b/c he's upset. I'm upset because he choose not to tell me any of this and just IGNORE me and have me sit and wait until I eventually tore it out of him. We haven't texted since tuesday. I told him now that I know you are busy at work I will let you be....but that you said some hurtful things to me and while I understand now that were you busy or swamped - all you had to do was reply to my text saying you can't make it - rather than ignore me. Its like he vanished now and im sitting here waiting. its not fair to me because he is leaving me in the dark and not communicating with me. If you want to be intimate with me, then that comes with certain obligations - such as keeping in touch with that person constantly. Am I wrong? Sorry for the long post - appreciate any input.
Philosoraptor Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 It sounds like you want more out of this than he does right now. I'd also gamble that your relationship values differ a good deal and that communication is much more important to you than it is to him. None of this really reads as someone who is ready for something serious. Sounds like he is more interested in getting his rocks off than committing to you. Personally I would walk away from this and find someone more mature who actually shows a bit of respect.
Author gbadboy Posted June 7, 2012 Author Posted June 7, 2012 (edited) Thank you so much for the reply. You hit 2 big words there "communication" & "respect" and yes - that is exactly what it boils down to. I would rather you reply to my text and tell me off instead of NOT replying. B/c when you ignore someone its disrespectful and you leave the other person wondering and in the dark and not know how to re-act. We haven't spent a whole ton of time together but at the same time, since March we have gotten close and he has expressed how much he liked me and we have been intimate. He wanted to go "further" in terms of sex but I wont go that route until Im committed. He's met my family my friends and been to my place a few times.... We've been out several times - so yes, I think I deserve a bit of "respect". I remember when I began my new job, I was so busy and he got upset when I didnt reply back to him. I aplogized b/c I knew that as busy as I was, this was someone I like - so I should make time. Communication is also key. Had he communicated with me , then id be cool. Its been 2 days and not a text or a call to see how im doing...or to say lets talk. He knows stuff is bothering me but rather than show some kind of compassion, he just shuts himself out. Im not asking him to call me and agree with me, or text me and apologize....but make some sort of contact with me! - that way we can work it out. I'm the type that when you have a problem with your partner or someone you care about, communication is key . You dont have to agree with them, but at least have dialog. Once you have dialog you can let things go. But instead he just vanishes and doesn't follow up. I cant text or call back b/c the last things he said to me were he's busy and im the last thing on his mind. I'm reaching a point where yes - I feel like walking away. Everyone has a right to be upset - even he does..... He doesnt have to apologize to me, if he feels he is right - fine. But at least show some compassion that you remember me. Dont just drop off the face of the earth and expect me to sit and wait until you are ready. Again- if we were "friends" I wouldn't be upset. But when you are intimate with someone - then certain obligations are created (such as - checking up on the person if they are upset) If the tables were turned, Id still text him a day or 2 later or phone him to talk about the situation. That doesn't mean id apologize to him or agree with him, but id at least COMMUNICATE with him and create a dialog. At least when I do that it shows im willing to work something out.... Shutting yourself away from me and not helping fix problem, or not facing the problem, or not simply touching base with me and instead vanishing from me - shows you simply dont care. I suppose this all comes with maturity. Thank you for the advice...its the direction I am heading towards.. Edited June 7, 2012 by gbadboy
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