friends after a break-up?

[kourix]

i've posted here before and i've been doing fine, and i'd like to think i'm still doing fine, i guess i just want to vent, and if anyone has opinions, i'd appreciate it.

 

i'm sorry i have no idea why my stories are always so long!! i just always try to give a clear picture...

 

so basically, x and i dated a short while in sept last year, it ended because he didn't want a relationship and also because he had no feelings (all his words). so we'll stop contacting each other for awhile, but after one or two months, somehow either one will just start texting and we'll start hanging out again. but after a certain point, things get too complicated, we'll wind up "talking" and deciding it's best to stop contacting each other, more or less.

 

the thing is, after breaking up, as we hung out with each other more, we both realised that we really enjoy each other's company. compared to when we first knew other, i'd say we have become alot more comfortable with each other and if things didn't happen the way they did, he definitely could have been one of my best buddies. i have quite a bit of male platonic friends. i just prefer men, less drama.

 

so the last time, same thing happened, we were getting too close, we were acting couply but not together and not dating. we just hung out and had fun but it was too messy for me so i asked him but it was the same response - no feelings, not looking for a gf. so we stopped talking. then, i went on a holiday and had a holiday romance, and really got over him. i hadn't been talking to him for over a month and i was feeling really good when i came back from my holiday (except that i really missed my fling).

 

well, x saw my pictures on fb and contacted me, so we started talking. i didn't feel anything, so we just talked sporadically and decided to meet up a few weeks later for lunch. at this point i'm thinking, perhaps now we can be friends. when i met him, we had a good time together. he met me for lunch and had a date that night, i wished him well (although he said he didnt like the girl, he was just bored, and in the end she even stood him up and it was funny to me all i could think of was "karma's a bitch" but of course i didn't say that.) anyway, during lunch, we started talking about the possibility of going on a trip together.

 

i had quit my job, and i'd been travelling, and was bitten by the travel bug, so i got really excited. so we finalised our plans (but didnt book tickets), and we still hung out like once in a while, maybe once in 2 weeks or something like that. and he'd tell me about the big things in his life randomly, like, how he had to turn down a job or whatnot, which i found a lil weird because we weren't close friends, but i mean, i was fine with it.

 

as we hung out more, i started feeling a little uneasy - that same old feeling came back again. it felt like we were kinda too close. like, when we went out, he'll mess around with me, he'll pull me or tease me etc. i don't think he touches other girls like he does with me (not in a sleazy way) but he'll swing his arms around my shoulders and stuff like that. i have alot of male friends, but no one does this to me, we're not close like that, even my gay friends aren't so chummy with me. i mean, we have boundaries.

 

x also seems to think highly of me, he'd talk about girls and complain about them, and then i'll be like, "hey, don't generalise, i don't do that!" and he'll be like "yeah, but you're in a different league, you're much better than most girls in general". and when we go out, he looks at me and says "i notice everyone staring at you, guys and girls! and guys look at me like, what the heck am i doing with this girl? so how come can't you find a guy?" and i'd just say "i just haven't met the right one".

 

so we're comfortable around each other, but recently he told me he's been going on lots of dates. he parties every weekend and meets a new girl almost every week. i'm so jealous - not only of the fact that he's dating - but that he is and i'm not! i wish i could meet more guys but my friends just don't party anymore so usually i'm just at a cafe sipping tea with a friend. obviously not gonna be easy meeting anyone new.

i'll admit i got jealous when he told me he's been dating.

i only felt better when he said "but none of these girls make me wanna see them again. they're pretty good looking and they're nice and it's fun, but i just don't want to know them better. it's just boring now". i know this isn't a good sign, it means i still have residual feelings.

 

so i started thinking about the trip - was it really a good idea going on a trip with him? he was sorta an "Ex" afterall, and we are still attracted to each other, at least physically. he tried to reassure me by saying "i made a decision about you, i do not want to play with you again, so i wont try to sleep with you during the trip, unless i'm drunk :P". i told him the truth. that i was afraid that going on this trip would complicate things. what if i fell for him again? aren't we both so tired of repeating this cycle for the FIFTH time? and he said "don't worry, we will go and i will act like the perfect jerk so you will never fall for me ever again" - not reassuring.

 

the last time i met him for dinner, we started talking, and i asked why after everything, he kept coming back to me, something he didn't do with other girls. we only dated briefly, and he dates so many girls, why doesn't he contact them, why only me? and he said "because you're alot more fun and i know you better and i don't want to make new friends". then he tells me he would never fall for me because he believes in "love at first sight" so to speak. not in terms of looks, but he believes that within 10-30 mins of meeting a girl, he knows whether he wants to marry her based on the type of chemistry/conversation they have. he told me this has happened with two girls but they were both attached so he didn't do anything, and he didn't feel it with me when we met so we could never be together because "love is supposed to be instant". he knew he liked me when he met me, but he didn't feel that way with me, even though we did go on multiple dates after. i think after me, he hasn't dated a girl beyond a second/third date.

 

to be honest, i've never felt anything like that for any guy. i definitely didn't fall in love first time i met him. i believe in lust at first sight, but i don't believe it's possible for me to know if i want to marry a guy the first time i see him.

 

i think i know one of the girls he was talking about ("love at first sight") so i asked to see her face, and he refused. now, everytime my friends date someone new, i think it's natural to want to see the person's face. and i was very curious obviously, why fall for her but not me?

but he got really defensive and said "you're not ready for it. you're gonna compare her to you. and i'm going to tell you right now, you're prettier than her, so don't bother. but it's not the looks that matter, you have to talk to her to understand". and i'm like "what do you mean by i'm not ready?" and in all seriousness he looks at me and says "i know you're still in love with me. i can feel it and i can see it in your eyes. you don't have to deny it, even if you do, i won't believe you, because i know it's true."

 

i was shocked. i told him i wasn't but he wouldnt listen. so i asked, if you think i'm in love, isn't it weird to hang out with me since you don't love me too? so why are you here? and he just said he liked hanging out with me and when he first talked to me again he didn't think i was still in love.

 

i got really upset and i just told him i had to think about the trip and he should too since i would think it'd be weird for him. he agreed. he said "yeah i am a little worried about your feelings for me. i know i won't fall for you don't worry" i mean, if i was going on a trip with someone who was interested in me, and i didn't feel the same, i know i would cancel, it'd be too weird. i think it would be just pure torture for me to go on a trip with a guy i know is in love with and i'm not with him. i'd feel so bad and weird. what if he tries to get all couply with me?!

 

so i went home and the next day he texts me "okay i've confirmed my off days" and after thinking about it, i decide i want to go because i know i'm not in love, but i'm still really mad because he has such a huge ego. i just said okay i'm going. and waited for his response. you know, in case he had any doubts etc.

he says awesome, doesn't bring up anything we mention about the previous day and just informs me that "okay great! i've booked our tickets!"

 

i'm still really upset and i don't want to talk to him because i feel so awkward. i mean, here i wanna be friends with him, but i can't. like, with my male friends, we can see each other up to 3x a week and simply text everyday. i can just say "hey wanna go for dinner" etc and vice versa without feeling uncomfortable. but after what x said, i knew i couldn't just treat him like how i treat the rest. if i asked him out for dinner, he was gonna think i did it because i missed him and wanted to see him and have his babies. and i didn't want to deal with that, and i didn't want have to defend myself since he wouldnt believe i wasnt in love anyway.

 

however, we had another trip planned, this time a weekend trip in june, which we confirmed earlier and i was supposed to book it. it was to a beach resort. kinda weird because it's just the two of us and it seemed pretty couply once again. this was supposed to happen in three weeks, and last week he had asked about it and i told him i would get to it. so since he paid for the tickets first for the overseas trip, and it was confirmed, i told him i was going to book this trip now. his response? "nope, i might not be free". i waited for an explanation, because he confirmed the date with me a week ago. no explanation. obviously i get mad and say, what do you mean? and he said "oh i might have to get my boating license that weekend". and i know about boat licenses, and they have it almost every week, and you're allowed to pick dates, so then i got really annoyed, because we've been talking about this for awhile now, so why couldn't he just pick another date? like the week after?

 

so i say to him "you know what, if you're uncomfortable just say it and we can forget about this trip. i don't schedule trips and bail on you just because something "more important" came up. we made this plan weeks ago. that's so not nice to do that" and he replies "no i actually forgot about this. my friend got me the coupon a long time ago and i forgot about it until he mentioned it recently." still no apology.

 

i stop replying because i've had it. then the next day he messages me. "how about going the week after?"

 

i don't know, i'm just very confused about it all. i mean, i get that you know, he could possibly believe that we could just be two platonic friends going on a trip together. that's fine, because that's what i was hoping it would be. for me, i'm trying to remain friends with him because i like spending time with him. (although it's proving a little hard).

 

but what i don't get it... if he "knows" that i'm still in love with him, why would he still want to go on the trips with me? is he really such an a%$hole?

i know for a fact that he has previously stopped talking to girls that he believes are in love with him, because he doesn't want to lead them on and make things awkward. in fact, i think he's turned off by them. but with me, he keeps coming back and insisting that all he wants to do is be friends because we have "so much fun" together and it'll be nice to have a close friend since he knows me so well already.

 

he keeps telling me he hopes i find someone. and he's looking forward to he day when he texts me and i say i'm too busy, because that's the day he'll know and finally believe i'm over him. (again, such an ego right?)

 

why is he treating me differently? i told a couple of friends and what one of them said was "it's because you're too easy for him so he keeps coming back when he feels lonely". is this true? i mean he did mention that "i messaged you again because after going on the 100 000th date and it turning out to be just like all the others, meaningless, i just wanted to talk to you again". so i know it's not because of sex, because he's never tried having sex with me. i dont know if he's lonely if he can be going out with a new girl every week, and if like he said, they're pretty fun, i don't understand why he doesn't just carry on going out with them instead of coming back to me. i mean if i'm tired of us doing the whole tango (hangout-complicated-stop contacting for a month-text-hangout-complicated-stop contacting for a month) etc etc, he must be too. so why can't he just let me live in peace without him? he even admitted that he knew when i found a new bf i prob wouldnt hang out with him and that he's "fine" with that.

 

but one thing i know for sure, he's insistent he's not and will never be, in love with me. so someone help me out here?

i'm not bothering to talk to him anymore. i'll probably just show up at the airport on the scheduled date one and a half months from now.

i just wanna know, what's up with people like that?

 

i wanted to tell him how he made me feel - like how i didn't deserve treatment like that, but now i'm just too lazy. ignoring him feels better.

[babycrapgreen]

If you want better chances in getting advice, I would suggest to summarize this essay.