Not sure

[Beckr1]

Hi,

This is my first post on a public forum so please go easy I am in need of help please as i just don't know what to do anymore.

 

I have been in an ldr for the past 5 months with my boyfriend. As a short background (i'll try to keep it as short as poss, so as not to bore anyone ), we have known each other since 1999 when we worked at the same company. I then left and moved overseas in 2004, and only returned home in March.

We started growing close again earlier this year when we started chatting online and admitted how we felt for each other. As sods law would have it he accepted a new job in February in another European country, a month before i flew home.

However he came back to see me in the uk in April, and is coming back again next month. Due to circumstances i have been unable to visit him.

 

Now my dilemma is over the past 6 weeks he has become a lot quieter, less attentive and seems to at times forget to tell me things, but then says 'remember when i told you.....'

I realise the honeymoon period is over and we have both become more comfortable. He still tells me he loves me and misses me and other sweet things, although his actions at times appear at odds.

I hate game playing and would rather be honest, so about 5 weeks ago i asked if he was still happy with me, and he said he was.

I know he has been stressed at work, although things should hopefully improve now as he has finished a project he was working on that was causing him grief.

 

Anyhow, he has been going out drinking after work an awful lot. I initially thought it was stress and was glad he was making friends through work. However some things have come to light recently, and i know he has told me a couple of blatant fibs about little things.

 

His brother is currently visiting him for 3 weeks and i asked if he would rather have space while he was there? He said no as he enjoys chatting to me. Although our chats are less chats nowadays and more random messages.

At times i think he is passively aggressively trying to get me to dump him to ease his guilt, although i have given him chances to walk away guilt free and he has said he still loves me.

 

Unfortunately i have good reason to believe he is seeing a girl he works with. He says he is out with a guy and names him, but also says he is from Sweden (where she is from). It's almost as if this guys name is a codename for her.

A few days before my boyfriends brothers visit, i noticed him and her became facebook friends, when i was unaware they had met on his brothers first visit 6 weeks ago. He also posted he was back and i'll see you soon. On the second night of his visit, which i thought a bit strange (unless something is going on between my boyfriend and her), the 3 of them went out for a curry.

This sounds awful, but as my suspicions had been raised by this stage, i only found this out by looking at his brothers public facebook timeline. (oh my boyfriend also forgot to tell me about his brothers visit until a day before he arrived, i put it down to stress, although now i wonder if he is forgetting what information he tells me and what he has told her).

Today my boyfriend said him, his brother and this guy were by the sea. I usually have a great gut instinct/female intuition and i really think this guy is this other female.

If there is nothing going on between them i don't understand why he wouldn't tell me about her, as i know males and females can just be friends and i'm not an overly jealous type.

 

There are just a few weird coincidences that make me feel uneasy. I don't consider myself a paranoid person, but looking back at our skype/whatsapp/facebook messages there does seem to be a slight correlation between his brothers last visit and the cooling off in my boyfriends contact. So i do think that my boyfriend and this girl may have been friends then, but grown closer over the past few weeks, to the point where they are now possibly seeing each other.

 

Arrgggh. Sorry for the waffling and if i don't make much sense. I'm just so confused. My boyfriend has always told me he would never cheat on me as he knows the pain it causes. I know 10 years ago he could be a bit of a player, so maybe that is making me have doubts anout his honesty?

 

I don't want to ask him straight out if he is cheating as i have no concrete evidence, and don't want to appear insecure. Should i just let things play out and see how he acts over the coming weeks until his visit? Or tell him as he's being quiet and his brother is there i won't be initiating contact until he goes as i feel like i'm pestering him?

I'm not sure how to handle this as i'm feeling quite hurt right now and don't want to act too hasty and do something i'll regret.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? If so how did you handle it please? Also if you think i'm being paranoid pls say :-)

Thanks for reading and any replies would be fantastic x

[TMichaels]

Hi,

Has anyone been in a similar situation? If so how did you handle it please? Also if you think i'm being paranoid pls say :-)

 

Yep, been there, done that. Waited too long to give the other person the benefit of the doubt in an effort as you say, not to appear insecure "or needy" only to discover there was lots of duplicity going on while being told the same thing as you, "I love you," "I miss you," "I only want you," and "There's nobody else."

 

So, no... You aren't being paranoid. Something's up. Actions always speak louder than words, and your gut is rarely wrong. I know you dislike playing games, but it appears you and he may not be on the same page when it comes to that.

 

Obviously, his brother is not going to be useful in trying to get the low-down as he seems to be involved in some way.

 

Is there not *any way* you could manage to book yourself a quickie, surprise trip over there and see what's going on with your own eyes?

 

If so, just explain your visit as an impulsive idea because you wanted to surprise him as you were missing him so much.

 

Or, you could "warn" him that's that what you're thinking of doing, and see how he reacts. However, the latter plan will just add to your doubt and worry as I have a feeling he'll have an excuse why you shouldn't visit which won't remedy matters at all.

 

You also just could "withdraw" from the relationship for the time being and give him time and space to do whatever it is he's up to, then wait until the two of you see each other again in another month and address the question head-on.

 

However, from personal experience even when my OH was confronted face-to-face with tangible proof that things weren't as they seemed, it was vehemently denied to throw off suspicion to ensure our relationship would continue as it had.

 

Unfortunately, my OH had no extent of what I knew nor the proof in-hand. Bad move on OH's part, but very common in an LDR when one party figures the other will have no way of knowing, and they either lack the balls to be honest, or are just so self-centered they want to make sure they you'll still be waiting in the wings as their back-up relationship plan.

 

Whatever you do, don't put your life on hold and all your eggs in this guy's basket. If he thinks as much of you as you do him, then he would be putting equal effort in and he's not regardless where he is at the moment.

 

If he wants you in his life, then he needs to start acting like it. Remember, talk is cheap. And when you settle for less than you deserve, you always get less than you bargained for.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[Beckr1]

Thanks you so much for your reply TMichaels It's such a relief to hear from someone who's been in a similar situation and to get an outsiders viewpoint.

I have always gone with my insticnts previously, however this time i wanted myself to be incorrect as i really felt he was my 'soul mate'. However as you say he would also be putting in more effort than he is currently doing if he cared as much as he initially appeared to.

 

Most of the time i have this feeling of being incredibly on edge and anxious, which is rather unsettling and makes concentrating on my work and studies extremely difficult. I know if things were 'right' i would be feeling happy and secure like i used to. However nowadays i find myself feeling more worried than happy, which i guess isn't how a healthy relationship should be like. I fear, as you say, it appears he may enjoy game playing more than myself...

For example, last friday i was out with my brother having a few drinks, and my mobile battery actually died. The following 3 nights he was out, he used the same excuse. He seems to have forgotten that i have seen his little mobile phone charger that he takes out, and i saw he was on skype on his mobile.

 

I wish i could book a trip over, but unfortunately that is an impossibility at the current time. It is my birthday next month, so i could 'suggest' a visit, and see what he says, however i fear you're correct and he will have some excuse. He always used to say come over here and we need to get you moved over asap, but now he has stopped saying that, since funnily enough, his brothers previous visit when i first suspect he may have become closer to this girl.

 

When you suggest 'withdrawing' from the relationship do you mean just replying to his messages and not instigating contact? Or telling him i will be going quiet while his brother is there to give them time together? Or just not speaking to him at all?

I have to be honest and say i will find it extremely difficult, as i love speaking to him, however i am fed up of feeling like i am pestering him when he doesn't reply or takes hours to reply to a simple question. Therefore i realise your idea is best in the long run and for my own sanity

What has really riled me lately is i suggested the day before his brothers arrival i could give him space, as i knew he was stressed at work, and he used that as the reason for going out after work virtually every day last week to celebrate another praise off his boss.

However he claimed he didn't need space as he told his brother to do his own thing and he will do his. Well since his arrival he has again been out every night and suspiciously quiet. On his brothers last visit i would receive messages saying sorry i'm being quiet, this time nothing, apart from short reply's to the 3 messages i have sent today.

 

I do have a sneaky suspicion he is continuing making the bare minimal effort he thinks it takes to keep me happy, to 'keep me waiting in the wings' as you say, incase things don't work out with this girl. Not a nice feeling. However things do appear to be pointing that way, as after asking him 3 times in the last 9 weeks if he wants space, if he is happy, and even to let me know if his feelings have altered as i would prefer to know, i think has given him adequate chances to walk away easily from the relationship if he was so inclined.

 

Like you say actions do speak louder than words, and i do feel i am more of an option right now, and just there when he is bored and has no-body in the physical world so to speak, to keep him entertained.

 

I'm sorry you had to go through a similar horrible sounding situation and hope that you are now in a happier place.

Again thank you for your words as they really do make sense.

 

Many Thanks,

Beckr1

[TMichaels]

I have always gone with my insticnts previously, however this time i wanted myself to be incorrect as i really felt he was my 'soul mate'.

 

Yep, been there and done that, too. I overruled that little voice in my head that said something wasn't quite right, because after all, "we were soul-mates" and therefore, how I felt and what I thought regarding the form and status of our relationship was the same as my OH's.

 

Furthermore, I had convinced myself that it wasn't "my gut" that was telling me something was wrong, it was *my fault* because I was (wrongly) judging and reacting to my OH's actions based "the sins of others" from the past.

 

All I can say is it's amazing the extent of rationalization one will go to when they think they've found their soul-mate and "they're in love" eh? <wink>

 

Most of the time i have this feeling of being incredibly on edge and anxious, which is rather unsettling and makes concentrating on my work and studies extremely difficult. I know if things were 'right' i would be feeling happy and secure like i used to. However nowadays i find myself feeling more worried than happy, which i guess isn't how a healthy relationship should be like.

 

Just remember, a relationship should complement not *complicate* your life.

 

I fear, as you say, it appears he may enjoy game playing more than myself...

 

For example, last friday i was out with my brother having a few drinks, and my mobile battery actually died. The following 3 nights he was out, he used the same excuse. He seems to have forgotten that i have seen his little mobile phone charger that he takes out, and i saw he was on skype on his mobile.

 

Yep, uh huh... Sounds familiar.

 

I've come to conclusion that people like you describe are either a) Incredibly stupid; b) Incredibly arrogant; c) Incredibly lazy; or d) A combination of all three.

 

What amazes me is that so few who play "the lying game" realize the importance of keeping their stories straight. Usually what happens is that eventually they end up being hoist on their own petard as they've lied to so many people so many times they can't remember what they've said to whom.

 

Many people just overlook the inconsistencies because they just aren't that invested, or they're so madly in love with the person they turn a blind eye.

 

To be honest, I think people like your boyfriend *count* on the latter as a sort of "insurance policy." They know as long as the naive party is "in love" with them, chances are the naive one will be gullible and more apt to rationalize or excuse a slip-up here and there.

 

So, if you ascribe to this theory, it's to the liar's advantage to throw a few crumbs and "say the right things" to the naive partner every now and then to a) Keep the "lovee" happy and madly in love ; b) Affirm that the liar can continue with the ruse; so that c) If everything goes south with "the bit/s on the side" no worries -- the "naive one" still has the liar on a pedestal and has been lovingly, patiently standing by and will welcome the liar back into their life with open arms.

 

What's worse in this type of scenario, is that liar has also learned that it's not necessary to do much to keep "the innocent one" happy. And, "the innocent" is even more grateful for the increased attention that often ensues when unbeknownst to them, the liar's relationship with another has run its course, so of course the liar has more time on his/her hands to lavish their attention.

 

It's called being a doormat, Beckr1. I don't think you have had that phrase tattooed on your forehead, have you? If not, and you have no intention to, don't let anyone put it there even figuratively, regardless of how much you think or would like to believe the other person is "your soul-mate."

 

I wish i could book a trip over, but unfortunately that is an impossibility at the current time. It is my birthday next month, so i could 'suggest' a visit, and see what he says, however i fear you're correct and he will have some excuse. He always used to say come over here and we need to get you moved over asap, but now he has stopped saying that, since funnily enough, his brothers previous visit when i first suspect he may have become closer to this girl.

 

I think your instincts are spot on.

 

When you suggest 'withdrawing' from the relationship do you mean just replying to his messages and not instigating contact? Or telling him i will be going quiet while his brother is there to give them time together? Or just not speaking to him at all?

 

Up to you how you play it, but you need to get some "balance" back into the relationship so you can more accurately judge what kind of person he really is and whether he's worth any more of your time.

 

Right now, you're sitting home pining away, worrying your head off about where you stand, and he's out there drinking and partying away without a care in the world.

 

'Bout time *he* had something worrisome to ponder in his spare time.

 

What I'd do is stop being the one to reach out and instigate any contact or communication, then sit back and see what he does about that.

 

If he contacts you and asks what's up, then I'd just say... "With your brother visiting and all, I reckoned you needed the time to enjoy his company. Actually, that was a good thing -- as the past couple of weeks I've been so busy myself that I don't know when I would have time to connect with you anyway."

 

And then I'd continue to be "aloof" -- as in not the instigator of contact, but the responder if/when he contacts you. I also would take my sweet time getting back to him when he does reach out -- let him wonder what it is that's *keeping you* so preoccupied.

 

If you matter to him at all, believe me, he'll be wondering what in the heck is going on and all of a sudden sweating it that maybe you've met someone else and/or besting him at his own game and he'll straighten up his act.

 

If it doesn't seem to faze him at all that you seem to be less "into him" than before, then you have your answer right there, don't you agree?

 

Remember this: "If you want to know who a person really is and where their heart really lies, don't listen to what they say, pay attention to what they do, how they behave, and how they treat you as it's their actions that always speak louder than their words."

 

 

I have to be honest and say i will find it extremely difficult, as i love speaking to him, however i am fed up of feeling like i am pestering him when he doesn't reply or takes hours to reply to a simple question. Therefore i realise your idea is best in the long run and for my own sanity

 

You got it in one. Not only do you need to pull back for your sanity, you need to do so to get a better handle on what kind of a person this guy really is. (See paragraph above.)

 

What has really riled me lately is i suggested the day before his brothers arrival i could give him space, as i knew he was stressed at work, and he used that as the reason for going out after work virtually every day last week to celebrate another praise off his boss.

 

LOL... I swear there must be a "course" or something in which people like he enroll because believe me, he didn't invent that tactic; my OH played the same game.

 

Call it lazy/arrogant/whatever, it's a common ploy in my experience. Wait for the other person to mention/disclose a legitimate reason for being able or unable to do something, and the next time you need "a cover" whip out the same excuse and how can the other person find fault or be suspicious? After all, it's the same reason they used to excuse their own behavior/choices, right?

 

Huh? How dumb do they think other people are? Or better yet, how dumb *are they* to think no one will ever cop on? <shrugging shoulders/shaking head>

 

 

However he claimed he didn't need space as he told his brother to do his own thing and he will do his. Well since his arrival he has again been out every night and suspiciously quiet. On his brothers last visit i would receive messages saying sorry i'm being quiet, this time nothing, apart from short reply's to the 3 messages i have sent today.

 

As I said earlier, it's time for him to step up to the plate, so stop being the (only) one keeping the lines of communication open. Give him a chance to demonstrate he wants you in his life (or not) by getting off of his arse, then plot your own course, accordingly.

 

I do have a sneaky suspicion he is continuing making the bare minimal effort he thinks it takes to keep me happy, to 'keep me waiting in the wings' as you say, incase things don't work out with this girl. Not a nice feeling. However things do appear to be pointing that way, as after asking him 3 times in the last 9 weeks if he wants space, if he is happy, and even to let me know if his feelings have altered as i would prefer to know, i think has given him adequate chances to walk away easily from the relationship if he was so inclined.

 

Yep, I got the same BS every time I asked -- only to learn the hard way that the two of us "were in two different relationships" -- at least in terms of what I thought was going on. I'm willing to bet, it's the same in your case as well.

 

Like you say actions do speak louder than words, and i do feel i am more of an option right now, and just there when he is bored and has no-body in the physical world so to speak, to keep him entertained.

 

My guess is what's happening is a common scenario (unfortunately) when it comes to LDRs. "Absence may make the heart grow fonder, but a bird in the hand (no pun intended) is better than two in the bush."

 

Just keep this in mind: "Don't ever make someone a priority in your life who considers you just an option in theirs."

 

In fact, print the above out, blow it up real big and stick it on the wall of your flat, over the mirror in your loo, or write it on the palm of your hand. Anything that will remind you of that truth, because knowing and understanding that will serve you well.

 

Again thank you for your words as they really do make sense.

 

Many Thanks,

Beckr1

 

You're welcome, Beckr1. Hope the above helps.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[Beckr1]

Wow, you speak so much sense it's scary. Like the part of my brain that was in denial and trying to condone his behaviour by pretending it was all my imagination.

Also the fact he claimed to be cheated on by his ex, and vehmently states that he would never let me endure that pain, helped me believe all was good.

Pretty funny as his ex before her from about 9 years ago, i know he cheated on on several occasions. Although to keep up his nice guy image he would say he was scared of leaving her incase she tried to kill herself.

I have considered asking mutual old friends further about the reasons behing his split from his most recent ex, however i would hate to think word would get back to him. I just feel there is much more to the story about her leaving him for another guy than he is letting on to me about. Although his past has always been in the back of my mind i tried to kid myself a leopard can change his spots. Obviously not. I think it may run in the family too, as his 3 brothers are all on second marriages.

 

Yep i have a damn good feeling you are spot on (sorry i don't know how to do the quote thing), in regards to him counting on me to believe his stories. I am unfortunately pretty gullible as i like to believe the best in people. He knows this, so is likely taking advantage.

 

Hahaha, no no tattoo with "doormat" on my forehaed as yet, although i think one should have been there over the last few months in temporary ink.

He does seem to "disappear" on the weekend during the day with no contact, and at times when he was ususally available. Plus the old one of being tired, going to bed early or falling asleep on the couch without saying night. All warning signs i suppose. He hasn't actually said good night in almost 2 weeks, with one excuse or another. He tends to then "throw a few tid bits" my way, like you say, to keep me sweet and happy.

I do think that's maybe because the other girl has spent the night at his flat, but then he always messages good morning. So either he runs off to the bathroom or is ballsy enough to do that with her beside him. Or i'm looking way too much into this.

 

I have noticed he does pay more attention when he thinks something is wrong. I tended to assume he was so stressed with work that he was oblivious to how distant he had become. Well now i'm guessing that he knew damn well, and was investing as little effort as he could get away with to ensure i remained loved up.

As you say, (embarrassingly) when he does give me more attention, i lap it up like a little puppy.

 

Yep, i am definitely going to stop instigating further contact and see how it plays out.

He'll probably be relieved as he may just be so lacking in balls that he just wants a "fade out", rather than having to actually have an adult discussion and, shock horror, possibly a confrontation. But yes, in that case i wholly agree that if this is the case i have my answer and he can jog on. Although i am still silly enough to hold out some hope that this may not be the case.

 

Yesterday i heard nothing from him after 3pm and prior to that the occasional vague message. I sent a good night msg saying 'whatever you're up to enjoy your night', but received nothing in reply until this morning, when he apologised for being quiet. He failed to say why though or what he was up to. I realise i am not his keeper and i feel nosey at times asking him what he is doing, and concerned about appearing needy. Ironically he used to be the one he would always message me asking where i was, what was i doing and if i didn't reply immediately would ask if i was ok or if i had gone off him.

 

Currently he is messaging me regularly from work with updates on his sunbathing yesterday. Previously i would have been happy for the attention. Now i fear i am as stated excellently by you, "not a priority but simply an option". He is in all probability, simply bored so passing time with me.

I do have to admit he does instigate some communication, as i heard about something called the "rubber band theory" about 3 weeks ago, whereby if you let them go they may ping back. So its not like i am the only instigator in his defence.

It is however his actions i think i need to watch, as his mysterious "disappearances" and hours of silence without any reason, are what really concern me.

 

So i will stop being a doormat as i most certainly don't intend to be his fall back option, let him instigate all communication (if he asks i will do as you suggest and say i was giving him time with his brother), and think about directly asking him questions about what he has been doing, rather than allowing him to dodge questions.

 

This is also ny new mantra thanks to you "Don't ever make someone a priority in your life who considers you just an option in theirs." Although it will be difficult to maintain that thought process and to stop myself contacting him.

 

Today i have an odd feeling of foreboding and anxiety which i only really feel when he is out on a night or just "disappears", so whether he is about to drop a bombshell and man up i guess i will discover soon.

Thank you so very much TMichaels :-) You really have no idea how nice it has been to chat to someone who understands the situation.

 

Many Thanks Beckr1

[TMichaels]

...Also the fact he claimed to be cheated on by his ex, and vehmently states that he would never let me endure that pain, helped me believe all was good.

 

I think this is another "chapter" in the textbook that is used in the "course" I referred to in my earlier post, as my OH doled out the very same story and promise...

 

Pretty funny as his ex before her from about 9 years ago, i know he cheated on on several occasions... I have considered asking mutual old friends further about the reasons behing his split from his most recent ex, however i would hate to think word would get back to him. I just feel there is much more to the story about her leaving him for another guy than he is letting on to me about. Although his past has always been in the back of my mind i tried to kid myself a leopard can change his spots. Obviously not. I think it may run in the family too, as his 3 brothers are all on second marriages.

 

Again, ditto... My OH and all the siblings in OH's family were divorced, save for one, and from what I was told cheating was a significant reason for the splits.

 

I could have pushed the inlaws and mutual friends for details about OH's Ex, but I decided against it for similar reasons. However, if I had taken "the direct route" I would have known much sooner, but like you, I thought we were two, mature adults and there was no reason or room for games so I also chose to give OH benefit of the doubt. Suffice to say, some people not only play games, they "play dirty."

 

Yep i have a damn good feeling you are spot on (sorry i don't know how to do the quote thing),

 

You just hit the quote button at the bottom of the post you want to quote and a notepad field will appear on the screen showing the original post. You can then delete, copy, paste, rearrange, etc whatever passages of the post you like.

 

Just be sure the quoted sections begin with a bracketed "Quote=user name; post number" (you'll see that sequence at the top of the notepad screen and you can just copy and paste it at the beginning of any sections you want to quote separately). Then, at the end of the section you wish to quote, you type or copy/paste left bracket, forward slash, the word "quote" and a right bracket. Sounds complicated; it's not. Just rudimentary html.

 

If you want to make sure you did it all right, hit "Preview" as opposed to "Submit Reply" and you can see what your post looks like before it's published. If there's something that needs revision, just go back and edit it again. You can "Preview" and edit endless times before you actually "Publish," but I digress...

 

Hahaha, no no tattoo with "doormat" on my forehaed as yet, although i think one should have been there over the last few months in temporary ink.

 

As long as you don't have to get it lasered off, no worries, Beckr1.

 

He does seem to "disappear" on the weekend during the day with no contact, and at times when he was ususally available. Plus the old one of being tired, going to bed early or falling asleep on the couch without saying night. All warning signs i suppose. He hasn't actually said good night in almost 2 weeks, with one excuse or another.

 

Yep. OH used the same lame excuses for not showing up as planned/agreed upon: Tired, fell asleep, phone, IM, webcam wasn't working, something came up, forgot, got busy, etc.

 

It got to the point that often it would be days or sometimes a week or more at a time before my OH would finally make an appearance. If I was lucky a "visit" might last 15-20 mins because OH always had "someone to see," "something to do," "somewhere to go."

 

Fair enough, except compare this to "the norm" where we talked/messaged every day, *always* tried to make sure we said 'night, and if either one of our plans changed simply extended the courtesy of sending a quick text, email of IM just to let the other know.

 

My assessment: "Yeah sure, everyone's lives are busy. But, people make time for the things they think are important and want to do, and never have time for the things that aren't or don't."

 

I even made that observation/remark after one of OH's repeated "absences." OH agreed with me, but there was no subsequent change in behavior. Again, arrogance or ignorance? I still don't know, but definitely enlightening in terms of where someone's priorities lie, and where you rank in theirs.

 

He tends to then "throw a few tid bits" my way, like you say, to keep me sweet and happy. I do think that's maybe because the other girl has spent the night at his flat, but then he always messages good morning. So either he runs off to the bathroom or is ballsy enough to do that with her beside him. Or i'm looking way too much into this.

 

You may be reading too much into it, or maybe not. Regardless, it would be better not to let him occupy so much of your "mind space," Beckr1.

 

Look at it this way: Do you really think *he's* spending as much time wondering and worried about where he stands with you? Guarantee you, he's not. So why are you?

 

Yep, i am definitely going to stop instigating further contact and see how it plays out.

 

Good. I think that's wise.

 

 

...Ironically he used to be the one he would always message me asking where i was, what was i doing and if i didn't reply immediately would ask if i was ok or if i had gone off him.

 

Just more evidence that *something* in your relationship has changed. Could be he's one of those that gets his jollies from "the thrill of the chase" and once he knows he's captured your heart, the fun is over for him. Or, he could be seeing someone else.

 

Doesn't matter. Either way, do you see how "the balance" I referred to in my earlier post has shifted? Ticker shouldn't be 100% on either side of the scale -- you both should equally be interested in keeping your relationship alive and growing -- and that's not what's going on at the mo.

 

Currently he is messaging me regularly from work with updates on his sunbathing yesterday. Previously i would have been happy for the attention. Now i fear i am as stated excellently by you, "not a priority but simply an option". He is in all probability, simply bored so passing time with me.

 

Bored, assuaging his ego, and throwing you crumbs is my guess. Time to go on a diet, Beckr1.

 

I do have to admit he does instigate some communication, as i heard about something called the "rubber band theory" about 3 weeks ago, whereby if you let them go they may ping back. So its not like i am the only instigator in his defence.

It is however his actions i think i need to watch, as his mysterious "disappearances" and hours of silence without any reason, are what really concern me.

 

The "rubber band theory" I don't believe is relevant here. If something really heavy was going on in his life, he was head over heels in love with you, or something else that has caused him to feel like he was out of control and needed time and space to be alone so he can reassess and re-group, then that's one thing.

 

But, that's not what's happening. He's out at the pub every night, going to the beach, enjoying "visitors" and leaving you sitting on the front stoop like an abandoned child while he drives by and waves hi every once in a while just to make sure you're still there.

 

Quit making excuses for him, Beckr1@

 

So i will stop being a doormat as i most certainly don't intend to be his fall back option, let him instigate all communication (if he asks i will do as you suggest and say i was giving him time with his brother),

 

Good, but also don't forget to remain a bit distant. Every time he contacts you "he's taking your temperature." He needs to have his world shaken up a bit and realize the pedestal he may think he's on isn't as solid as he'd like to think -- and it won't be, if he doesn't pay you the kind of respect and attention that he should.

 

...and think about directly asking him questions about what he has been doing, rather than allowing him to dodge questions.

 

That's fine, but... a) I don't have much faith you'll get a straight answer; b) At some point, don't be surprised that he turns around and demands to know why "you're checking up on him" (another tactic to dodge having to be truthful; and c) Out of the blue he'll announce he's decided the two of you need to end things because "you don't trust him" and he's devastated by that.

 

(Do you see how if he does this, he'll be sidestepping the need once again to tell the truth, take any responsibility for how he's treated you, PLUS managed to lay all the blame for the demise of your relationship at your feet so he can continue to spin his "nice guy" act? ) <sigh>

 

All of the above is just speculation at this point of course of how things will play out. However, as I said before, if you want to know what's really going on, take the initiative and ask directly, then cover your ears, and pay attention to *what he does.*

 

This is also ny new mantra thanks to you "Don't ever make someone a priority in your life who considers you just an option in theirs." Although it will be difficult to maintain that thought process and to stop myself contacting him.

 

Do you want to be happy Beckr1, or do you want to spend the next few months, years or the rest of your life always looking over your shoulder, scared, uncertain, angry, resentful and hurt -- always yearning for the same sort of love, devotion and respect you freely and lovingly give your OH, but never receive in return?

 

Life's not a dress rehearsal. You get one shot at it, so why waste what you've been given with someone who gives you a fleeting good moment, but doesn't respect and care enough about you to make sure there's no doubt in your mind just how precious and valued you are to them and to their life?

 

Today i have an odd feeling of foreboding and anxiety which i only really feel when he is out on a night or just "disappears", so whether he is about to drop a bombshell and man up i guess i will discover soon.

 

Letting him occupy too much of your "head space" there again, Beckr1... You need to get out of that habit. Get out, be active, plan and do something with your friends and have fun. Don't forget: *He* is.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[Beckr1]

You are so right TMichaels. I have been allowing him to occupy too much of my mindspace for too long. I can't change whatever is happening/happened so i am keeping myself distracted today, and will continue to do so, by getting on with my life. You're right, he won't have been wondering where he stands with me as i have been too soft, which he appears to be taking for granted?

 

I do find it peculiar how the "chapters" in the textbook seem to be almost identical on the "course" these people appeared to have attended and how they chuck the same excuses and lies out. Very bizarre.

 

Luckily over the next few weeks the football is on (Euro 2012) :-) so i will be watching that after work either at the pub or at home, and i also have study to keep me occupied.

 

He sent me a good morning msg today, with a bizarre explanation as to what happened to him on the way home last night. I replied after a time as i thought he was injured and i was naturally worried about him. However he didn't divulge any further details, and his last message stated he was back off to the pub to watch rugby. So his strange story can't have been as bad as he made out. I can only guess he is still drunk.

He'll now probably be wondering why i haven't messaged back like i usually do (or maybe not - haha) as i can see he has been online on whatsapp, which he tends to use to only message me.

I did think up until recently that by ignoring his messages for hours could be misconstrued by him as me being funny, and i was concerned he would think i had "gone off" him. God i do feel a proper mug now. Maybe his pedestal will be shaking a little? But then again it's bound to be with the amount of alcohol he has consumed over the past 2 weeks!

So far it's easier then i imagined in distancing myself a little, although i don't have any doubts that it will continue to be so easy...

 

I feel slightly like i am playing games now as well, which doesn't sit too comfortably with me. Although i realise that i can't contine being a muppet and letting him use me when it suits him and having him "throw crumbs" my way assuming that is sufficient, and he can treat me like a toy he plays with until he gets bored.

So the "diet" starts today, and hopefully my willpower will hold out.

 

Oh, and thank you for the explanation in to how to do the quoting. I need to read that again more thoroughy, but have only briefly come onto here before dashing out.

 

I hope you have an enjoyable and relaxing weekend ahead

 

Many thanks,

Beckr1