Fluffsticle Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 (edited) Hi... I was with a guy for 2 months, and in the first 6 weeks I felt things I never felt before. And I have been in a 7 year relationship before. The feelings we felt when we looked at eachother, kissed and the excitement I had about seeing him the next time! After 6 weeks, I noticed that his texts weren't as affectionate as they had been, he me once or twice and didn't have a flower for me, and I took this as a sign that he was losing interest in me. I mentioned to him that I missed all the things that he used to do for me. Not that he stopped completely, but that stuff had really blown me away. He said he was sorry that he hadnt realised and he better pull up his socks. Then he had 2 weeknds away that had been planned since before we got together. We saw eachother one evening a week for those 2 weeks. On the first weekend, he forgot to ring me on the saturday, when I asked him if there was a reason he didn't ring me he said he was really sorry and that he completely forgot as he ended up with a completely different last minute plan for the day, and hadn't a minute to himself. We chatted about that after his weekend and he said he was really sorry that he never intented to make me feel like I was being forgotten about, or like he was losing interest in me. He said he is not losing interest in me. And when he realised he forgot to ring me, he felt sick. The following weekend he was away again, and things were ok but I suppose I didnt feel like I was in his mind very much. We got together to talk the following week. I wanted to tell him that I wasn't getting what I wanted and what i thought I deserved from the relationship. I wasn't feeling like I was top of his world anymore. I felt that I needed to see a bit more of him to get closer to him and get to know him properly. I let him speak first and he said to me "if i liked you as much as I thought I did, I wouldn't have forgot to ring you that saturday, and I wouldn't have only send you a few textx the second weekend away". He said the spark is gone, he doesn't look at me the same way and doesn't feel it when he kisses me. I was shocked, and let down. But I said to him that he had made his decision and I would never go back or try to change his mind after saying that. I agreed that things didn't feel the same but I had thought part of it was that we needed to spend a little more time together, and that I thought maybe I just needed to let him know that I liked the gestures etc. We talked for an hour, I asked him if I had done anything to change his feelings. He said no. He said he still thinks I'm good looking, nice, funny etc, but the spark was gone. I respected his decision. I asked if he thought he might have regrets, he said no. Now I am left working in the same office as this guy. I have a lot of feelings for him. But I am friendly to him, and carry on as friends even though when I sit beside him for lunch I can barely eat and have to force myself to eat. I am left with wonder and my friends telling me that I watched things so closely in the relationship that I put pressure on him and took the fun out of it, expecting a lot too soon. Through my fears and analysing things. Do you think it's possible I planted seeds of doubt in his head about how he felt for me? Did I highlight things and allow him to create a logical reason to why he was acting the way he was? Was he just pulling away as guys do, or was he actually losing interest? What I cant understand is how strong all those feelings were between us in the first 5/6 weeks, and for them just to disappear completely? I don't believe they disappeared... Is it possible all the analysing and me pointing out all the reasons he could be losing interest caused him to lose that excited feeling for me... But maybe that doesn't mean we aren't meant to be? He fancied me for a year before this and we always got on very well, but I never considerd allowing myself to like him in that way until I found out I would be leaving work in a few months. So I liked him for about 2 months before we got together. Any realistic advice? Sorry its so long.. I really like this Guy. I felt like I have never felt before. I'm scared of letting this go when I have wonder like this in my mind. I can get past this like I did my 7 year relationship. But sometimes I think maybe you have to try fight for something you want, instead of what I do, just rise above it and walk away with my pride.... Edited June 7, 2012 by Fluffsticle
geegirl Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 You can only fight for something when two people want to fight for it. You can't fight for something when the other person cannot see its value and worth. He does not see it's value and worth. I've lived with this mantra and many a time, had to walk away. When a man tells you what you do not want to hear, listen. It could just be that in the beginning, he felt a connection but emotions can change and will change. As he went along, he may have been thnking about the potential you two have with each other and realized it wasn't what he was looking for. The value and worth of what you see is not what he sees so you cannot project your views on him but accept and respect his decision. And it could also be a combination of you moving at a pace that was not comfortable with him, along with the expectations that you had. Sometimes it can be a turn off when instead of him being able to enjoy the relationship, he is constantly feeling pressured to behave or act a certain way to appease you. At that point he's just waiting to be "reprimanded" again, with the added stress of not being able to make you happy. You yourself said you weren't happy with the R, because you were not getting what you wanted, and if that is the case, this man is not for you. He will not change and will not be able to give you what you want. You cannot be in a relationship constantly reminding someone of your needs and when you have to do that, it's time to get out and seek someone who can give you what you need and wants to give you what you need. Then again, if a guy has real interest in you, then his actions will be consistent. If he says he is going to call, he will call because he wants to. Seems like he did all the right things in order to snag you and once that was done, he kinda swayed and didn't feel he had to put it in the effort anymore, and in such a short period of time. I know it is hard to stop analyzing his behavior. But you have to work with what you know, rather than what you don't know. He has made a decision and you have to move on. That is what you do know. If at anytime he has a change of heart, you can work your way through that but until then, try to keep as much distance and if it hurts you to have lunch next to him, find another area to have lunch. You at least have to give yourself some space and get some peace. 2
Philosoraptor Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 It sounds like he was doing what many do which is pour it on heavy at the start in order to gain your interest. It's unrealistic to think that kind of behavior would continue on your end. It's stupid of him to go to those lengths on his end. It looks like he was very interested but the expectations, that he himself set through his behavior, just got the better of him. For now just take a step back and let life happen. If it comes back that's great, if not that's great too and with patience you will find a good match. 1
Author Fluffsticle Posted June 8, 2012 Author Posted June 8, 2012 Thanks folks Is it possible though that I turned this relationship into a more serious one too early through my fear of missing signals of someone losing interest again? I watched everything closely and voiced it when I thought he was doing anything differently, thinking this was the best way. Also the fact that I said to him that I would never consider going back once he had said that, would of course put a block up for him to ever bring it up again wouldn't it? The reason I said I would never consider going back is because I said I Would always wait for the day when he would say that to me again. I felt like I'd be living in fear. I'm confused and just feel scared at letting him slip by if the reason the spark went was because of my analysing and watching....!
geegirl Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 (edited) I'm confused and just feel scared at letting him slip by if the reason the spark went was because of my analysing and watching....! It's moot because he is not interested anymore. Whatever caused him to have a change of heart cannot be undone unless he comes to you willingly wanting to revisit. You're trying to force a fit and you can't do that when someone has expressed disinterest. He said the spark is gone, please listen to what he is saying. When someone tells you something you don't want to hear, listen. Don't try to analyse it but accept the words as they are. Edited June 8, 2012 by geegirl
Mr Scorpio Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 Thanks folks Is it possible though that I turned this relationship into a more serious one too early through my fear of missing signals of someone losing interest again? I watched everything closely and voiced it when I thought he was doing anything differently, thinking this was the best way. Is it possible? Sure. But I dont think you did. You let him speak first before you voiced your concerns about not being treated the way you thought you should be. Prior to that, it sounds like all you did was mention that he forgot to call you. His response to that sounds quite honest to me. IMO, people in the "honeymoon" stage of a relationship wouldn't/shouldn't simply "forget" to make contact with the other after such a long gap. Assuming that they actually are in the "honeymoon" phase. Also the fact that I said to him that I would never consider going back once he had said that, would of course put a block up for him to ever bring it up again wouldn't it? Well, unless I'm missing something, you told him you weren't going to fight to get him back if leaving you was his decision -- not that you wouldn't consider taking him back. I'm confused and just feel scared at letting him slip by if the reason the spark went was because of my analysing and watching....! It doesn't sound to me like that was the reason. Some flames burn out quickly, and some people can be fickle. Since time has already passed, and the two of you work together, it doesn't seem as though he is going to make another attempt at the relationship. And, not to kick you when you're down, but this might be a good lesson about not dating people you work with.
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