2sunny Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 Have you informed your W what a sham her marriage is to you?
Owl Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 If the marriage or the EMR is ended prematurely, all you are going to see is a flip-flopping between them. It's because the dynamics behind many EMRs is much more complicated than just choosing which woman to be with. Knowledgeable therapists know this and thus don't recommended ending either relationship prematurely. Really? Name the therapist who recommends that the affair relationship and the marriage relationship both continue. What book/document is this from? Or was this a therapist you knew/had sessions with personally? I'd suspect that there are indeed therapists that could say this...if you go out and look hard enough, you'll find SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE to support any viewpoint. The knowledgable part remains in question, however. I'd suspect that this methodology has a very small minority of therapists that would recommend this technique, compared to others who would recommend ending one relationship or the other. 1
Owl Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 OP...what's YOUR plan on dealing with this WHOLE situation? Not just the end of your relationship with OW...but with your own personal situation, and your marriage as well? Glancing through the thread...I don't see a plan in here. What's your goal...and what's your plan?
Author PuntserVA Posted June 11, 2012 Author Posted June 11, 2012 OP...what's YOUR plan on dealing with this WHOLE situation? Not just the end of your relationship with OW...but with your own personal situation, and your marriage as well? Glancing through the thread...I don't see a plan in here. What's your goal...and what's your plan? My goal is to be able to sleep. And get through another day. I don't even have a plan to make a plan at this point.
Author PuntserVA Posted June 11, 2012 Author Posted June 11, 2012 Have you informed your W what a sham her marriage is to you? I probably deserve this. I can't imagine ever saying this in this way to anyone, however. I guess it's good that I'm a vessel for other people's anger.
Owl Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 My goal is to be able to sleep. And get through another day. I don't even have a plan to make a plan at this point. To quote Yoda..."And this is why you fail...". Get a plan. Get a goal, figure out what obstacles are between you and your goal, and develop a plan to reach your goal. Do you want to have a happy, successful marriage? Do you want to end your marriage?
2sunny Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 I probably deserve this. I can't imagine ever saying this in this way to anyone, however. I guess it's good that I'm a vessel for other people's anger. Who's anger? Are you referring to yourself? Or your OW? You certainly aren't referring to me - you are a vessel for YOUR OWN feelings - but you seem to be uncertain about how you feel... You have a right to YOUR OWN feelings. But your CHOICES determine what happens to YOU - so CHOOSE WISELY! Never settle! Honor yourself. Let her do what she will do - you DO what is BEST for YOU!!! It's always right to be honest with the person you took marital vows with- consider honoring your WIFE as well - she deserves your truth.
Author PuntserVA Posted June 11, 2012 Author Posted June 11, 2012 To quote Yoda..."And this is why you fail...". Get a plan. Get a goal, figure out what obstacles are between you and your goal, and develop a plan to reach your goal. Do you want to have a happy, successful marriage? Do you want to end your marriage? Hells if I know.
Owl Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 Well...you're here for advice. We can't give you advice for jack unless you've done your part and picked a goal. You need to take the time to sort out what you want to do from here...within the realms of possibility of course. Figure that out first...then let us know and we can help you figure out how to get there from here. MY other thought is this...your heart is clearly not in your marriage...your wife should know this. She deserves the chance to decide whether or not she wants to try to work it out with you or not, given your affair. She deserves the truth...whether or not you decide to work on the marriage or not. So...while you're trying to sort out where you want to go...why not take the time to tell her what's gone on and how you feel...tell the whole truth...and free her to make the same choice you're making right now too?
Snowflower Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 Well...you're here for advice. We can't give you advice for jack unless you've done your part and picked a goal. You need to take the time to sort out what you want to do from here...within the realms of possibility of course. Figure that out first...then let us know and we can help you figure out how to get there from here. MY other thought is this...your heart is clearly not in your marriage...your wife should know this. She deserves the chance to decide whether or not she wants to try to work it out with you or not, given your affair. She deserves the truth...whether or not you decide to work on the marriage or not. So...while you're trying to sort out where you want to go...why not take the time to tell her what's gone on and how you feel...tell the whole truth...and free her to make the same choice you're making right now too? Great advice^^^^ To add to this, there is a saying that goes something like "choosing to do nothing is still making a choice." Is that what you are doing? Do you want one of the women in your life (your wife OR your OW) to make this decision/plan for you? Please know that I'm not bashing you, making light of your situation or anything like that...but do you really want to live your life not making any plans/decisions? Because that is what your thread here reads like...pages of you not knowing what you want. To me, that is a terrible way to live one's life. (again, not bashing...just observing) 2
Emme Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 I guess being at a keyboard gives people the freedom to be harsh and cruel. Oh hun that's not me being harsh and cruel. Oh goodness no. That's me being honest with you. Giving you viewpoints you might possibly not want to face why you feel the way you do. You can pick and choose which ones apply. 1
2sunny Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 You did this to you. It affects others too. There are consequences for the choices we make. Even the choices we DONT make- just by our actions - there are consequences for those too. You are here - so totally focused on your OW - how is that remotely fair to you wife? She must know/ feel "something is off" since you are consumed with thoughts of your OW. How is that fair to your li partner? She gets short changed because of even YOUR THOUGHTS! She deserves your truth. Without your truth - your M isn't really a M based on anything real - its ALL just a lie. Tell her so she knows what is REAL. Then she will have choices too - just like you have choices.
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